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Old 08-30-2010, 05:08 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Welcome to our world, one of heartbreak and disappointment...until....we take control of our life.

You are going to be just fine, left, right, left, right, one day at a time. You are driving your car, and, that is exactly where you need to be, behind the wheel.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 08-30-2010, 05:27 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Welcome to our world, one of heartbreak and disappointment...until....we take control of our life.

You are going to be just fine, left, right, left, right, one day at a time. You are driving your car, and, that is exactly where you need to be, behind the wheel.

Keep posting, it will help.
driving is the easy part keeping it between the ditches at high speed on this rough road is a bugger!

i've done my own pennance for my own poor behavior......it just galls me that i was stupid enough to get so involved with someone who hasn't learned their own lessons yet..

when i ran wild i was childless and single.....i'm no longer childless and i "will" keep my car between the ditches.....
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Old 09-07-2010, 05:17 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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been 8 days since i posted in this thread......
no contact between she and i.
i'm still doing the geeze i miss her..........but then gawd it was an awful mess.
wondering how 6y/o step daughter is doing.
wondering if her mother has sought treatment.
been working on "me" stuff and work, procrastinating packing her things.
thank god for the dog!
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Old 09-07-2010, 05:45 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hurtandangry View Post
hi!

new guy here......just gave wife her walking papers.

after reading some yesterday it seems as though i'm not alone as far as not being able to cope with a spouse who chooses alcohol over family.

i've done the searching for hidden bottle routine,withheld the vehicle and cash, begged and pleaded.

last week i hired an attorney and had her evicted.......now i'm doing the typical "she's a good person when she's sober" mental gymnastics.

guess i'm just looking for some cyber comroderary.



Hi Mate,

i can totally understand what you are going through. My ex (as of 4 months ago) was a heavy drinker, it actually hospitalised her for 6/8 weeks over the past xmas and New Year, she was told to stop the drinking but within 3 weeks of her release from hospital, i knew she was back on the drink, made me feel worse than I had before. I am feeling very low, even though I knew that I couldnt help her, I tried and tried over 12 years, but was always facing a constant battle. I even now still think to myself that I was to blame for her abuse, even when she told me that It was my fault it dug a knife into me just that little bit further.
i found bottles of Oasis fruit juice that were full of vodka, hidden around the house, cartons of cranberry juice (which i detest) at the back of the fridge, which were laced with Vodka, even empty bottles of Water which stunk of Vodka. I did everything wrong by confronting her and without losing my rag, tried to shame her into giving up, but to no avail. The most hurtful part is that I asked her parents to help me, they chose not to believe me that her addiction was that bad, it was almost like I was on my own, trying to convince myself that things were not that bad. Its the worst feeling in the world when you actually start to feel totally responsible for another persons actions, then feel the guilt that maybe it was in some small way, your fault. I would have given my own life just to see her stop the drinking, even now I would walk over mountains to help her, even though she does not want contact with me. Its more grinding when I remember the beautiful and kind person she was without the devil inside her, even now, I will not let anyone put her down in her abscence, as I said, she still means the world to me, although I have to accept that it is over........I am now slowly realising that it wasnt me that made her drink, it was her choice, however, i still have the grief and the feelings of mass guilt inside me that I just didnt do something properly, or didnt give her enough help to beat the demon.......


Mate, you are not alone, sometimes i will sit here and cry my eyes out knowing that someone so beautiful on the inside, someone so kind when sober and someone so loving is no longer in my life.......as I say, the guilt is the worst thing to suffer from, but equally so the resentment that i seem to have against her for no reason whatsoever is the what grinds me. I know that deep down, she will beat this, but I just wish that I was able to be part of her beating it...
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Old 09-07-2010, 06:05 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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thanks sm!
it is somewhat easier doing our own rollercoaster than letting somebody else drive........but the loneliness and worry is a real bugger.
best to you and yours.
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Old 09-07-2010, 06:07 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hurtandangry View Post
thanks sm!
it is somewhat easier doing our own rollercoaster than letting somebody else drive........but the loneliness and worry is a real bugger.
best to you and yours.


And likewise to you mate
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Old 09-07-2010, 07:17 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I know just how you feel hurt and angry, I'm going through similar feelings myself at the moment, trying to be detached and laid back.
My AGF has done rehab and now in recovery and doesn't seem to want me involved. That hurts when I did no much for her.
Good on you for making some hard decisions I'm no where near that stage, she keeps dragging me back with phone calls asking me to wait for her. Part of me wants too as she appears to be in recovery part of me doesn't.
I wish I had your strength and I already attend Alon on.
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Old 10-10-2010, 07:11 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Okay folks I need to pick the collective brainpower here…

I’ve been no contact for six weeks; things are pretty stable in my life right now other than the typical loneliness and concern.

I had my attorney let my wife’s attorney know that if she sought treatment for alcoholism I would attend marriage counseling to see if we can move forward as husband and wife.
A week ago my attorney’s paralegal phoned and said the attorneys had spoken and that “wife was agreeable to counseling” but that I should wait for her to contact me…

Last night I got an e-mail from the wife explaining that her attorney had written the wrong e-mail in her correspondence?
No mention was made of a letter by my attorney’s paralegal nor have I received any such letter…
I did write back one sentence stating that I received no letter.

Moving forward into the realm of “what-if”..
If I agree to move forward toward trying to heal our marriage how can one tell if their spouse is sober?
I believed that the railing and mood swings were menopause last time around...until she passed out in a mud puddle in the back yard...I trusted her to control herself without antabuse….until I tasted vodka mouth at 6:00am.

There are severe trust issues that I need to deal with before I can even attempt counseling as a couple. The counselor I have been talking to for a couple of years is of the opinion that rehab and AA are the best course? It may very well be for her, but after being duped once to often I believe at this point that I need proof of sobriety whether it’s a breathalyzer or antabuse.
Have any of you who have stood by a spouse while they dealt with their addiction found a method of assuring yourself that your spouse was sober?
Many moons ago when I was in the service I worked in the military hospital and folks who couldn’t behave when drinking were ordered to take antabuse so I have firsthand knowledge of it’s effectiveness…if I insist on medication as a predecessor to marriage counseling would I somehow be in the wrong?

I realize I can’t control her behavior only mine but I also don’t want to waste my time or energy fruitlessly nor do I want my son exposed to the poor behavior or the healing process if I can help it … so my logic is that in order for me to invest my time I would need assurance of her credibility.
I’ve read and read here and have found precious few couples who have survived the broken trust associated with alcoholism…I don’t want to not try because I still love her as does my son but I would rather let the love go than have either of us subjected to poor behavior…

Thanks in advance!
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:19 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hurtandangry View Post
I realize I can’t control her behavior only mine but I also don’t want to waste my time or energy fruitlessly nor do I want my son exposed to the poor behavior or the healing process if I can help it … so my logic is that in order for me to invest my time I would need assurance of her credibility.
I’ve read and read here and have found precious few couples who have survived the broken trust associated with alcoholism…I don’t want to not try because I still love her as does my son but I would rather let the love go than have either of us subjected to poor behavior…

Thanks in advance!
First of all, you're much wiser than I was in the same situation. It took me several years of nonsense to finally get out, even then, a judge finally put my axw out of the house because I was still unable to make that decision. So I applaud your logic and clarity so far. Good job.

I think what you're asking for here is a guarantee of someones credibility, an active alcoholic with NO credibility. There are simply no guarantees in life, under the best of circumstances. I think you already know the answer to your question.

My axw sounds perfectly fine on the phone. We had a nice chat just yesterday, she's returning some watch of mine she just found in a box she took 4+ years ago. I thought, well that's nice, she's finally trying to be civil.

Then I remembered she was hospitalized last month for 10 or so days and had 6 liters of fluid removed from her stomach and almost died from her alcoholism, despite claiming sobriety for the last 3 years. Then I remembered she is rarely nice without a price tag, usually in the form of some unreasonable request.

Recovery from alcoholism is obvious from great distances, our gut tells us the truth that our minds sometime would rather not see. It's the same with an alcoholic trying to feign recovery, it is obvious to our gut. Listen to your gut, it will never lie to you.

BTW, I was told by 2 different marriage counselors that counseling would be a waste of time without treating the alcoholism first.

You can always revisit the marriage down the road if your wife chooses recovery. Lots of people get remarried. But I must say, of all the relationship mistakes I've made though out the years, I've yet to make THAT one! A man has to take pride in himself where he can. Ha!

I think you are doing great, good luck, and keep posting.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:25 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I'm in a similar situation. I've been separated for one month from AH, and still desparately love and miss the man he used to be before the disease stole him away. Though I know that things couldn't have continued the way they were and that I'm better off without him in my life right now, I still can't help but mourn deeply for the person he is without the alcohol. Everywhere I go, there are memories of him, and my heart is breaking thinking of a life without him.

Like you, I would be willing to take him back if I knew for a fact that he was actively working on recovery. I would wait for him indefinitely if I knew at the end of it all that he would be "healed" and I could have him back healthy and whole. But sadly, there are no guarantees, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to allow the doubt and uncertainty back in my life. I wish I had a crystal ball to see 5 years into the future. I'm afraid to take him back and wish that I had left when I had the chance, and I'm afraid to let him go and spend the rest of my life missing him. It's a dark place to be, and there are no easy answers.

I hope it helps to know you're not alone. I've found a lot of support here, and am so grateful to have found this place to help with my grieving.
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:32 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Thanks coyote!
Trust my gut?..........right now I’m having trouble differentiating between heart/gut and common sense.
I know that if I insist on antabuse at least I’ll know if she's drinkin'...
But both my heart and gut frown on the lack of trust insisting on antabuse implies.......and.........common sense says it's the only way to be sure.

All this anguish over attempting counseling..........sometimes I feel like a girl
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:41 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by HurtingAgain View Post
I'm afraid to let him go and spend the rest of my life missing him.
Luckily, or not, I was able to morn/grieve the loss of my marriage while my axw was still here. By the time she was gone, there was nothing but relief.

As bad as it feels right now, the reality is, you WILL NOT miss him the REST of your life. Time will pass and you will heal and survive, and hopefully not marry any more alcoholics.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 10-10-2010, 08:48 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Thanks HurtingAgain,
I’m doing all this waffling over “talking” about her sobriety before even attempting counseling as a couple.
Like you, I still love her; unlike you I don’t view alcoholism as a disease. I view addiction (except for opiates) as a psychological issue, not a physical one.
Some folks can and do quit poor behavior of their own free will, others respond better to group or individual counseling.
How she choose to correct her poor behavior is up to her, how or if I verify to myself that she’s exhibiting good behavior going into counseling is a choice I need to make.
I need to determine if I believe there can be trust and respect in our relationship moving forward………if not then I need to let it go.
Antabuse screams of lack of trust but I can justify it to myself as a prerequisite to any form of marriage counseling.
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Old 10-10-2010, 09:13 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hurtandangry View Post
Thanks coyote!
Trust my gut?..........right now I’m having trouble differentiating between heart/gut and common sense.
I know that if I insist on antabuse at least I’ll know if she's drinkin'...
But both my heart and gut frown on the lack of trust insisting on antabuse implies.......and.........common sense says it's the only way to be sure.

All this anguish over attempting counseling..........sometimes I feel like a girl;)
Nothing against all the fine, strong women here at SR, but I know what you mean, I've had to sit down to pee for several years now.

With regard to the antabuse, you'd still be trying to control HER behavior. Until SHE decides to stop, she will figure out some way to keep drinking, antabuse or not.

Our recovery is about giving up our ILLUSION of control of another person, in favor of spending that energy on taking care of ourselves and our minor children.

BTW, one single Dad to another, you rock.

If your counselor tells you ANYTHING besides what my two told me, find a new counselor. On the other hand, your counselor's kid deserves a college education as much as the next, but do you want to pay for it?

You did great, taking the bull(sh!t) by the horns in getting you wife out of the house, why all the second guessing now?

Try to find an alanon meeting, I bring my 9yo and have for 4 years. She packs a "meeting" bag of stuff to keep her occupied. SR is great, but F2F is 100 times more powerful.

We have a slogan, the three A's, Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. You are aware, now. Next you have to really Accept the reality of your situation with you wifes drinking problem and all that entails.

When you have FULLY accepted the reality of your situation, your course of action will become clear.

When ever I have skipped the sitting still with something (most of my life before recovery), I have been REACTING, and ALWAYS, without fail, made the wrong decision and made things MORE difficult for all involved.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 10-10-2010, 09:24 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Hi Hurt&Angry,
It is a pity that the children had to be separated. I was hoping you had them all.
What combination did you have together? What ages? what are they saying?
I think it is a shame that courts spring into action to protect property but are slow to intervene in "domestic" problems.
If you think about it, the only reason you were able to get this done (only first step but big one) was because of your living arrangements. The sad thing is, the children get separated and hurt because of an addiction of an adult in their lives.
I am sure you realise, this is no picnic for her either, but the family cannot be subjected to this crap while the addict recovers.
Enjoy the peace, and do work with her family to find a solution, where her child can come over for sleepovers/playdates with granny or something.
Hugs
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:02 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Hi Hollyanne,

Kids are 6&6......
Right now there's 110 miles between households and there has been no communication until last night and then only e-mail.
I gotta response earlier to where I stated I had not received any letter.
Pretty much just saying since I got a restraining order the ball is in my court if I choose to work on the marriage.
No mention of sobriety (although that is pretty much assured at her folks house)
I’m doing as coyote suggests and sitting still.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:22 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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hurtandangry,
You mentioned a breathalyzer earlier. I've been down that road. I was often sure my XAH was drunk and he would swear he wasn't so I bought a cheap one on eBay. It showed that he was drinking and he still swore that he wasn't. So then psycho me paid several hundred dollars to buy one like state troopers use. And guess what? It confirmed the same thing that the cheap one did and that my instincts had told me all along. I finally realized the extent of how much I had been lied to. But I held on for even longer thinking that surely he would realize how much I loved him and that bad things were going to happen if he kept on drinking. For me it ended when I ended it. Love had nothing to do with it. For a long time I didn't buy into the disease theory but I do now.

Good luck to you.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:48 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
Love had nothing to do with it.
Yep, if WE could love THEM sober, SR wouldn't exist.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 10-10-2010, 03:22 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
We have a slogan, the three A's, Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. You are aware, now. Next you have to really Accept the reality of your situation with you wifes drinking problem and all that entails.

When you have FULLY accepted the reality of your situation, your course of action will become clear.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Coyote,
I’ve been trying to get my head around the acceptance phase you speak of…….
I accept that she has issues with booze and is an alcoholic.
I accept that I can do nothing to make her seek sobriety or stay sober.

Maybe what I need to accept is that me throwing more money at lawyers and counselors isn’t going to “fix” the problems in our marriage…in fact me doing anything right now isn’t going to “fix” our marriage…..
Contrary to her belief that the “ball’s in my court” I have stepped away from the whole court when I had her evicted. I clearly cited drunken irrational behavior as the reason for the divorce proceedings as well as cause for a restraining order.
I suppose I am being pulled back into the drama if I even respond because in reality the “ball” of her alcoholism is hers alone to deal with, and it must be dealt with prior to me undertaking anything else.
I suppose as usual I’ve put the “action” cart ahead of the “acceptance” horse.
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Old 10-10-2010, 03:32 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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For me it was a very short period of time between awareness and acceptance. The action was the hard one. It meant walking away from my marriage and I guess at times I could have said I was vacillating between acceptance and action, but I knew deep down inside the reality of the situation, or acceptance. I was SO not looking forward to pulling the trigger on divorce proceedings.

When she says the ball is in your court it really means she's not changing and you need to adjust to this.
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