Does this make me a terrible person?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 144
Does this make me a terrible person?
I may have explained before that my stepfather- who left the family sex or so years ago (since then my mom has re-married)- was an alcoholic. He was abusive and did a lot of things I had a hard time forgiving.
However, as a recovering drug user, I have a truly sincere hope that he has (or will) find/found the help he needs. I saw a very honorable and caring man become a dark individual who relied on liquor to relieve the stress and pain he must have felt. I feel like I know exactly how me must have felt, and I believe that he might have not done the things he did if he had a more supportive environment. He had a terrible childhood, and people kept putting him down about everything.
I'm not defending or dismissing him. I just feel like he got into a bad habit while trying to make it in a tough world.
I am afraid to talk this way to my family, since a lot of them take it the wrong way and feel I am becoming blind to what me, my mom, and my sister went through living with him. However, I just don't see the point in holding a seven-year grudge when I could understand both sides of the story.
Yeah, I hurt a ton after he left, and I needed years of counseling to get over it. I got angry a lot and got into some bad things. But, at this point, I feel like if I could go back in time, I would have taken the chance (after he left) to contact and tell him about how he could have gotten help for himself.
I feel so strange to have this outlook. Is there anything wrong with it?
However, as a recovering drug user, I have a truly sincere hope that he has (or will) find/found the help he needs. I saw a very honorable and caring man become a dark individual who relied on liquor to relieve the stress and pain he must have felt. I feel like I know exactly how me must have felt, and I believe that he might have not done the things he did if he had a more supportive environment. He had a terrible childhood, and people kept putting him down about everything.
I'm not defending or dismissing him. I just feel like he got into a bad habit while trying to make it in a tough world.
I am afraid to talk this way to my family, since a lot of them take it the wrong way and feel I am becoming blind to what me, my mom, and my sister went through living with him. However, I just don't see the point in holding a seven-year grudge when I could understand both sides of the story.
Yeah, I hurt a ton after he left, and I needed years of counseling to get over it. I got angry a lot and got into some bad things. But, at this point, I feel like if I could go back in time, I would have taken the chance (after he left) to contact and tell him about how he could have gotten help for himself.
I feel so strange to have this outlook. Is there anything wrong with it?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I don't think anything is wrong with it. I think you're ready to forgive and move on. You're finding peace and that can only work for your benefit.
IMO anger only hurts us, not the person we are angry with.
Also I do belive forgiving is one of the most important steps of one's recovery.
IMO anger only hurts us, not the person we are angry with.
Also I do belive forgiving is one of the most important steps of one's recovery.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
1) I beleive that nothing you could think or feel would make you a terrible person. there are terrible acts with terrible consequences, but not terrible people.
2) you feel and think the way you feel and think. This has developed over time. If feeling this way (compassion for your step-father) is helpful to you then welcome this feeling.
3) Anger is a useful emotion, but if you have been able to process that and let go of it because of your own journey, that is to be welcomed too. Remember though that anger can be protective, and if your other family members need to hold onto it for now, or never reach a place of compassion for him, they are not "wrong" or "immature" or lacking; they may need that to protect themselve from further hurt. Cultivating some acceptance and compassion for their thoughts and feelings might be helpful for you too. Others do not have to feel or think the same way as us for our thoughts and feelings to be valid or for their thoughts and feelings to be valid. It may be best to limit discussing this with your family if it leads to conflict that gets in the way of otherwise positive relationships or their view point distresses you.
2) you feel and think the way you feel and think. This has developed over time. If feeling this way (compassion for your step-father) is helpful to you then welcome this feeling.
3) Anger is a useful emotion, but if you have been able to process that and let go of it because of your own journey, that is to be welcomed too. Remember though that anger can be protective, and if your other family members need to hold onto it for now, or never reach a place of compassion for him, they are not "wrong" or "immature" or lacking; they may need that to protect themselve from further hurt. Cultivating some acceptance and compassion for their thoughts and feelings might be helpful for you too. Others do not have to feel or think the same way as us for our thoughts and feelings to be valid or for their thoughts and feelings to be valid. It may be best to limit discussing this with your family if it leads to conflict that gets in the way of otherwise positive relationships or their view point distresses you.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Tealvertigo 
I am afraid to talk this way to my family, since a lot of them take it the wrong way and feel I am becoming blind to what me, my mom, and my sister went through living with him. However, I just don't see the point in holding a seven-year grudge when I could understand both sides of the story.
You have given yourself an incredible gift!
There are certain things I am just not able to discuss with family members because they don't have a program of recovery like I do, and don't understand.
It's those things that I share within my recovery circle of friends.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I think it shows that you've spent a good deal of time trying to understand
not only WHAT happened ... and why...
but where it came from.
I suspect that your family gets defensive
because they're (consciously/UNconsciously)
concerned that this new, larger more understanding place
...might tempt you to try and start up some kind of relationship with him
and bring the abuse back into THEIR lives.
Just a thought.
Frankly - just because we FORGIVE doesn't mean we have to FORGET.
Forgetting ... is what makes us repeat the dang thing again.
many people think they have to come to some kind of 'peace' with a situation
or a memory
in order to move on.
Kind of like 'closure'
(yet another trite, overused psycliche' that's getting beat to death these days)
or the ending of one movie
in order to begin another.
Your post reads to me as if you' ve reached that place.
How can that be bad?
I say, GOOD for you!
not only WHAT happened ... and why...
but where it came from.
I suspect that your family gets defensive
because they're (consciously/UNconsciously)
concerned that this new, larger more understanding place
...might tempt you to try and start up some kind of relationship with him
and bring the abuse back into THEIR lives.
Just a thought.
Frankly - just because we FORGIVE doesn't mean we have to FORGET.
Forgetting ... is what makes us repeat the dang thing again.
many people think they have to come to some kind of 'peace' with a situation
or a memory
in order to move on.
Kind of like 'closure'
(yet another trite, overused psycliche' that's getting beat to death these days)
or the ending of one movie
in order to begin another.
Your post reads to me as if you' ve reached that place.
How can that be bad?
I say, GOOD for you!
Last edited by barb dwyer; 08-30-2010 at 06:32 PM. Reason: spelling- I wrote 'mamary' instead of 'memory" LMAO
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