Too Tired for King Baby
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Too Tired for King Baby
My relationship with Abf has ended as of last week. He was angry and full of righteouos ultimatims about getting my attention. Since mom was diagnosed with cancer things just were not the same anymore ... I did not care about his problems as much he says - I did not love him as much. Yes, I suppose that is true. Drunk drama has taken a back seat to other more pressing issues. Nothing to do with love or lack there in but just my unwillingness to listen to and put up with negativity right now.
Time for the bloodsucking energy drain of alcoholism to exit stage left. I am just burned out and darn near indifferent about it all. Just TIRED. We did not live together or share money - any easy end compared to others. I tossed his crap out of the fridge yesterday. That is about the extent of the clean up after a 5 year relationship. I always kept the distance - at least I did that part right this time around.
I need to focus on my selfcare right now - and the care of mom and my family. I need to grow the hell up and realize continue to dabble around in this relationship is toxic to me and a huge waste of time and energy. Even from the distance I have - not living with it or in it that is still is too darn much. My moms cancer will take her life - this we know. My abf has a choice if alcoholism will take his. My personal support system these past years has been mom and abf. Honestly I feel like I am losing them both now.
I feel some sadness about abf but no desire for contact. I may later but not now. I know it would solve nothing. I feel mostly RELIEF. The times I have cried over him are too numerous to count. I may have used up all my tears. I may indeed just be overall depressed these days. I will wait and see if I feel better later if not perhaps meds are in order for me.
Thanks for reading my ramble and thanks again for all of the support SR brings to my life.
Time for the bloodsucking energy drain of alcoholism to exit stage left. I am just burned out and darn near indifferent about it all. Just TIRED. We did not live together or share money - any easy end compared to others. I tossed his crap out of the fridge yesterday. That is about the extent of the clean up after a 5 year relationship. I always kept the distance - at least I did that part right this time around.
I need to focus on my selfcare right now - and the care of mom and my family. I need to grow the hell up and realize continue to dabble around in this relationship is toxic to me and a huge waste of time and energy. Even from the distance I have - not living with it or in it that is still is too darn much. My moms cancer will take her life - this we know. My abf has a choice if alcoholism will take his. My personal support system these past years has been mom and abf. Honestly I feel like I am losing them both now.
I feel some sadness about abf but no desire for contact. I may later but not now. I know it would solve nothing. I feel mostly RELIEF. The times I have cried over him are too numerous to count. I may have used up all my tears. I may indeed just be overall depressed these days. I will wait and see if I feel better later if not perhaps meds are in order for me.
Thanks for reading my ramble and thanks again for all of the support SR brings to my life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
My prayers go out to you and your family
Lola,
I am so saddened to hear about your mother, it is so heartbreaking.
I work with cancer patients and I highly encourage you to find support in your community: hospital social workers, local cancer society in your area, etc.
You don't have to do this alone.. your mother may qualify for palliative care benefits through medicare or her private health insurance and they would be able to help you tremendously.
You have taken a strong, but necessary stand with your ABF. Crisis situations dictate that you focus on what truly is important for you.
Please feel free to contact me personally via private message if you need further assistance.
I am so saddened to hear about your mother, it is so heartbreaking.
I work with cancer patients and I highly encourage you to find support in your community: hospital social workers, local cancer society in your area, etc.
You don't have to do this alone.. your mother may qualify for palliative care benefits through medicare or her private health insurance and they would be able to help you tremendously.
You have taken a strong, but necessary stand with your ABF. Crisis situations dictate that you focus on what truly is important for you.
Please feel free to contact me personally via private message if you need further assistance.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
So sorry to hear about your mother.
I can so relate to this one. By the time I left AH last September I was elated, but I didn't have to deal with an ill parent.
Good for you. Way to walk right into owning your own life. We're the only ones that can keep us safe, make ourselves happy so we better do it.
I feel mostly RELIEF. The times I have cried over him are too numerous to count. I may have used up all my tears.
Good for you. Way to walk right into owning your own life. We're the only ones that can keep us safe, make ourselves happy so we better do it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((Lola)))
I'm sorry. I want you to know that we are still here for you. We will listen when you are sad, when you want to ramble and if you are angry.
You are making healthy choices for yourself. You are removing energy stealers from your life. You are showing inner strength to take care of Self. Good on you!
I also think you are wise to get help when needed.
There may be some counseling resources available to you. Hospice was available to me during and after my mother's death with cancer.
Keep taking care of YOU. You are worth the effort.
I'm sorry. I want you to know that we are still here for you. We will listen when you are sad, when you want to ramble and if you are angry.
You are making healthy choices for yourself. You are removing energy stealers from your life. You are showing inner strength to take care of Self. Good on you!
I also think you are wise to get help when needed.
There may be some counseling resources available to you. Hospice was available to me during and after my mother's death with cancer.
Keep taking care of YOU. You are worth the effort.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Lola-Like the others, I am sorry to hear about your mom-sending prayers and hugs your way.
"King Baby" sums it up perfectly. I have ended my relationship with ABF after over 2 years and like you, suffered the slings and arrows of ultimatums, shouldered my share of blame and been his personal punching bag for his anger. I have gone complete and total non contact as I got tired of the constant refrain of "what did I do to you?" and "Can we talk about this?"
You have enough on your plate to deal with and you are so right-drunk drama has to take a back seat to what is important - your well being and your mom's. You have to look after yourself to stay strong for your mother and you.
Like you, I didn't live with my ex-we did live together until this time last year when, in a drunken state, he threatened me and my dog after I told him that I would not put up with his drinking and subsequent behaviour anymore. The police were involved and I thought that being homeless with no one to turn to would turn a corner for him, for us. It didn't and we each got our own places and I am so grateful for that.
Things were fine for a while and there were relapses, always promises to do better, but they never lasted.
Yes, I am tired of all of the drama, the emotional rollercoaster, the blame, the anger. As much as I accept that alcoholism is a disease, that people do recover and get their lives back, mine wouldn't and won't and I just don't want that drama in my life.
Does not change the fact that this break hurt me, that I love him, but those aren't valid reasons for me to continue on with the way things were. My sanity and wellbeing are what's important and that's what I am focusing on. I have wonderful friends here at SR, in and out of Al-Anon people who love and accept me, warts and all. I start school in 2 weeks (I'm over 50) for an accounting program and that will open up a whole new world for me. That rocked his world as I would be around other people, in particular, the opposite sex. Jealousy was always an issue with him and in spite of his protestations to the contrary, explains that the closer I got to school, the more drama that was happening.
When I packed up his stuff this time last year, it all fit into a few shopping bags. Between those and his computer, it took one trip to get his stuff to his new place. Here at my place, I took down all of our pictures and the few shaving things he kept here. That was the extent of my cleanup.......
Originally Posted by Lola1024 
My relationship with Abf has ended as of last week. He was angry and full of righteouos ultimatims about getting my attention.
Since mom was diagnosed with cancer things just were not the same anymore ... I did not care about his problems as much he says - I did not love him as much. Yes, I suppose that is true. Drunk drama has taken a back seat to other more pressing issues. Nothing to do with love or lack there in but just my unwillingness to listen to and put up with negativity right now.
Time for the bloodsucking energy drain of alcoholism to exit stage left. I am just burned out and darn near indifferent about it all. Just TIRED. We did not live together or share money - any easy end compared to others.
Things were fine for a while and there were relapses, always promises to do better, but they never lasted.
Yes, I am tired of all of the drama, the emotional rollercoaster, the blame, the anger. As much as I accept that alcoholism is a disease, that people do recover and get their lives back, mine wouldn't and won't and I just don't want that drama in my life.
Does not change the fact that this break hurt me, that I love him, but those aren't valid reasons for me to continue on with the way things were. My sanity and wellbeing are what's important and that's what I am focusing on. I have wonderful friends here at SR, in and out of Al-Anon people who love and accept me, warts and all. I start school in 2 weeks (I'm over 50) for an accounting program and that will open up a whole new world for me. That rocked his world as I would be around other people, in particular, the opposite sex. Jealousy was always an issue with him and in spite of his protestations to the contrary, explains that the closer I got to school, the more drama that was happening.
I tossed his crap out of the fridge yesterday. That is about the extent of the clean up after a 5 year relationship. I always kept the distance - at least I did that part right this time around.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
My prayers are with your mom.
I'm so very proud of you for closing the door on him. You are right that his toxicity and the dysfunction between you is not worth your time and your time right now would be better spent being a positive source of support for your mom.
While you are grieving the loss of your relationship, and even a distant one will bring some grief, you are also now contemplating his choices over your mother's lack thereof when it comes to their illnesses. There will surely be some resentment of him with that in the future.
I agree to the idea of considering meds, and I gently suggest counseling/therapy for you as well. Some professional assistance, if you're not already receiving it, will help you in your support of your mom and your care of yourself in this time.
With many well wishes and prayers,
Alice
I'm so very proud of you for closing the door on him. You are right that his toxicity and the dysfunction between you is not worth your time and your time right now would be better spent being a positive source of support for your mom.
While you are grieving the loss of your relationship, and even a distant one will bring some grief, you are also now contemplating his choices over your mother's lack thereof when it comes to their illnesses. There will surely be some resentment of him with that in the future.
I agree to the idea of considering meds, and I gently suggest counseling/therapy for you as well. Some professional assistance, if you're not already receiving it, will help you in your support of your mom and your care of yourself in this time.
With many well wishes and prayers,
Alice
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
That is when we really know people, when we are fragile and need support. I also have a partner that says "you don't care about me" whenever something is not about him.
I too am trying to regain myself. You are going through a lot. This guy is not even acting as a friend, let alone a boyfriend, who should be better than a friend.
I too cried too much for an XABF. I hope you use your support around you -or look for it if you hadn't already- because many things are too tough for one to do it alone.
All the best for you and your mom.
I too am trying to regain myself. You are going through a lot. This guy is not even acting as a friend, let alone a boyfriend, who should be better than a friend.
I too cried too much for an XABF. I hope you use your support around you -or look for it if you hadn't already- because many things are too tough for one to do it alone.
All the best for you and your mom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Thank you all for your kind words and messages of strength. They mean so much to me ! I am reaching out to all sorts of support resources for cancer patients and thier families. Have found some good stuff in spite of the geographic challenges my family has. I wish more than anything I could move my mom out here with me but that is not what she wants right now. I understand how she feels and respect that. Hopefully soon I can go back home again to be with her everyday instead of the phone calls morning and night. I also will seek out some form of counseling for myself. I feel that I need it - just need to reach out to my doctor and see what my insurance will do. Not sure about meds yet - I feel sad and depressed some of the time but that is only natural I think - I do see where it could get out of control. I have been treated for depression before so I have no issue with that.
This may sound strange but I really want to do what is right in my life during this time. I want to have as much honor and integrity as possible through this process with my mom and family. I know in my heart of hearts I should have ended the relationship with abf quite some time ago. I want to have the courage to follow through with that now because I know it is the "right" thing. I deserve much better in my life than than having a relationship with an actively drinking A. There just is not enough good that comes from it. Mostly chaos, stress and pain anymore. There is the occasional gem that comes from it but you gotta do WAY to much digging to find it. The pain does not out weigh the gain.
I don't want my mom to pass away knowing I am still on that hamster wheel - spinning around and around in a fruitless relationship with an A. Mom is an alanon old timer so she would never tell me what to do but I know she does not want me to continue on this path. She wants her children happy and peaceful -alcoholism does not bring that in any way. I would not end the relationship for her but it does feel kinda good knowing that she knows that I at least am giving it a darn good try. The last thing I want right now is for her to waste even one second worrying about abf messing up my life.
Onward and upward as they say. I felt a little whisper of wishing to contact abf today - logged on to SR and you guys stompted it right out ! Thanks for that !
This may sound strange but I really want to do what is right in my life during this time. I want to have as much honor and integrity as possible through this process with my mom and family. I know in my heart of hearts I should have ended the relationship with abf quite some time ago. I want to have the courage to follow through with that now because I know it is the "right" thing. I deserve much better in my life than than having a relationship with an actively drinking A. There just is not enough good that comes from it. Mostly chaos, stress and pain anymore. There is the occasional gem that comes from it but you gotta do WAY to much digging to find it. The pain does not out weigh the gain.
I don't want my mom to pass away knowing I am still on that hamster wheel - spinning around and around in a fruitless relationship with an A. Mom is an alanon old timer so she would never tell me what to do but I know she does not want me to continue on this path. She wants her children happy and peaceful -alcoholism does not bring that in any way. I would not end the relationship for her but it does feel kinda good knowing that she knows that I at least am giving it a darn good try. The last thing I want right now is for her to waste even one second worrying about abf messing up my life.
Onward and upward as they say. I felt a little whisper of wishing to contact abf today - logged on to SR and you guys stompted it right out ! Thanks for that !
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Hugs coming to you and your mom, Lola-you are doing the right thing for you and your mom.
I felt those whispers of wanting to take the bait from EXABF today and before the whispers turned into screams, like you, I came here to SR, talked to a couple of friends, hugged my dog and soon, the whispers stopped.
That's the wonderful thing about SR-no matter what time of the day or night, their doors are always open for all of us who need encouragement, hugs and a shoulder to lean on.
I felt those whispers of wanting to take the bait from EXABF today and before the whispers turned into screams, like you, I came here to SR, talked to a couple of friends, hugged my dog and soon, the whispers stopped.
That's the wonderful thing about SR-no matter what time of the day or night, their doors are always open for all of us who need encouragement, hugs and a shoulder to lean on.
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