Knowing what you know now...
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker 
Looking at the big picture of my life, my marriage that lasted 5 yrs, with my A
(the A stands for ***hole) was meant to happen to have my only child.
My son was the love of my life and the perfect child for me.
Therefore, the past could not be other than it was meant to be.
Luckily, I learned my lessons.
I have never associated with anyone like my ex since.
I stayed single for 7 yrs. before I remarried, making sure I was the right person before finding the right guy.
(the A stands for ***hole) was meant to happen to have my only child.
My son was the love of my life and the perfect child for me.
Therefore, the past could not be other than it was meant to be.
Luckily, I learned my lessons.
I have never associated with anyone like my ex since.
I stayed single for 7 yrs. before I remarried, making sure I was the right person before finding the right guy.
I was married 11 years, lived together almost 13.
I was never going to have children, we agreed on no kids in the beginning. Her "clock" kicked in around 30, I actually thought she'd "have" to sober up, so I agreed. I know, I know.
I was 49 when LMC was born, I loved her long before she arrived. I was wrong about her sobering up her mom, the alcoholism got worse. Throw in anti-depressants for PPD w/beer, and stand back.
I, on the other hand, a drunk for 41 years, a serial picker of bad relationships, a heathen and a turd.......
Sober 4+ years, single for 3+ years, got me a HP, no longer hang out with turds, and have been blessed with joy beyond my wildest dreams. Courtesy of LMC.
Not to mention this journey of self-discovery. I was quite oblivious to just HOW broken I was before.
Sometimes it's pretty obvious to me, LMC was sent to save ME, not the other way around.
So, I'd have to say yes, I'd sign up again. Wouldn't even have to think about it.
BTW, being married to an alcoholic was the WORST ride I've ever been on, and I've been on lots.
I hope Abigale is able to find us, some where down the line, when the time is right. I'm working on being the RIGHT guy.
Abigale, we call her "Abby" is LMC's pretend mom.....she'll be the right mom for LMC and the right wife for me. LMC's been talking about her for a couple of years now, I figure she's waiting for the bio-mom to check on out before she shows up. I have this feeling about her. Weird, huh?
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,231
It was I who was the alcoholic
in my 1st marriage.
7 yrs into the marriage then
got sober. So the remaining
years till 25 yrs. I was sober.
However at the 25 yr marriage
mark, I decided to leave on
a job offer back here in Baton
Rouge.
My little family moved to Houston
and for 10 yrs I was miserable.
Sober but miserable.
Im not sure, but if my spouse
at the time worked some sort
of program then who knows,
our marriage would have been
salvageable.
However...that wasnt the case
and therefore I moved out and
moved on with my life.
20 yrs sober, remarried and
living life with a remarkable
program in tact.
Would I return to my other
life? No. However if my HP
saw it fit for me to, then He
would let me know.
This is where Im suppose
to be in my life and I have
no regrets.
in my 1st marriage.
7 yrs into the marriage then
got sober. So the remaining
years till 25 yrs. I was sober.
However at the 25 yr marriage
mark, I decided to leave on
a job offer back here in Baton
Rouge.
My little family moved to Houston
and for 10 yrs I was miserable.
Sober but miserable.
Im not sure, but if my spouse
at the time worked some sort
of program then who knows,
our marriage would have been
salvageable.
However...that wasnt the case
and therefore I moved out and
moved on with my life.
20 yrs sober, remarried and
living life with a remarkable
program in tact.
Would I return to my other
life? No. However if my HP
saw it fit for me to, then He
would let me know.
This is where Im suppose
to be in my life and I have
no regrets.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I read a scientific report that covered this.
Most divorced women wish they would have left the marriage sooner.
That would be 100% me. I stayed waaay too long. As far as if I would M him again? Not sure. I have two very awesome kids from this. I never, ever thought this would be my life though. I'm out now and looking forward to a new life @ age 40. It's been a helluva ride. I'll say that. Won't do it again though. Ever. My next husband will have every possible psych evaluation done, every background check done, will have to pass a drug test. LOL ~ J/K, but Never again, Ever will I allow drugs into my life in any way shape or form.
Most divorced women wish they would have left the marriage sooner.
That would be 100% me. I stayed waaay too long. As far as if I would M him again? Not sure. I have two very awesome kids from this. I never, ever thought this would be my life though. I'm out now and looking forward to a new life @ age 40. It's been a helluva ride. I'll say that. Won't do it again though. Ever. My next husband will have every possible psych evaluation done, every background check done, will have to pass a drug test. LOL ~ J/K, but Never again, Ever will I allow drugs into my life in any way shape or form.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
I'm still married and it's a no for me too.
I keep hoping that someday I will be grateful for the experiences that I have had, but today is not that day...
I'm grateful for my children and I do love my husband, but I would not and will not ever do this again!!
I keep hoping that someday I will be grateful for the experiences that I have had, but today is not that day...
I'm grateful for my children and I do love my husband, but I would not and will not ever do this again!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
No...but I thank God for the gift of my three beautiful daughters.
And because of that marriage, I learned what I do want and deserve in a spouse. It has helped me to stay strong in my decision to leave XABF. I don't want to live that life of heartache and taking 2nd place to the addictions ever again.
That marriage ended 11 years ago...feels like an eternity ago.
Coyote, I understand your feeling...your waiting for Abigale. I even teared up a little reading your post. Your Abigale is out there, and God's timing will bring her to you. I have always felt the same about my future. There are good things ahead!
And because of that marriage, I learned what I do want and deserve in a spouse. It has helped me to stay strong in my decision to leave XABF. I don't want to live that life of heartache and taking 2nd place to the addictions ever again.
That marriage ended 11 years ago...feels like an eternity ago.
Coyote, I understand your feeling...your waiting for Abigale. I even teared up a little reading your post. Your Abigale is out there, and God's timing will bring her to you. I have always felt the same about my future. There are good things ahead!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
No. I left.
It is maybe something different I should have known. I really did not see the scope of the problem - didn't have the background to see how big the flags were. But - I believed it would be easy to leave if things became unmanagable. I believed that I could do everything on my own, despite any difficulties our relationship had. I knew something was not right, i just chose to believe it did not matter.
Then I had a child. And I realized it all mattered very much and I tried for many years to 'manage' and spent many years regretting the selfishness of thinking it didn't matter. I realized that it is not easy to leave. I also regert not leaving sooner. I do not regret my children - wanted them more then imaginable - but I regret the legacy they have due to the choices I made.
It is maybe something different I should have known. I really did not see the scope of the problem - didn't have the background to see how big the flags were. But - I believed it would be easy to leave if things became unmanagable. I believed that I could do everything on my own, despite any difficulties our relationship had. I knew something was not right, i just chose to believe it did not matter.
Then I had a child. And I realized it all mattered very much and I tried for many years to 'manage' and spent many years regretting the selfishness of thinking it didn't matter. I realized that it is not easy to leave. I also regert not leaving sooner. I do not regret my children - wanted them more then imaginable - but I regret the legacy they have due to the choices I made.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: virginia
Posts: 13
with my first AH I would definately say no. Stayed in that relationship for 15 years for the sake of our kids. Finally got out of it and thought that part of my life was over. Now my ABF is wanting us to get married. We do not live together and I am having serious second thoughts. Not gonna do anything until 1. he gets sober and 2. I feel it right in my heart to get married.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Not No but Hell No.. I should have left at Hello..
I'm in the process of divorce right now and my stomach turns at the thought of dating anyone at the moment..
However, even though my three year marriage has been nothing but a rollar coaster ride, without it I would have never realized my character defects and the things that I need to heal and resolve from the past in order to have a healthy relationship in the future..
I'm in the process of divorce right now and my stomach turns at the thought of dating anyone at the moment..
However, even though my three year marriage has been nothing but a rollar coaster ride, without it I would have never realized my character defects and the things that I need to heal and resolve from the past in order to have a healthy relationship in the future..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Yes. Why? Because where I am today is the result of the total sum of my life experiences.
The violent, brutal, rage-filled 5 years I was with my EXAH was the catalyst that finally brought me to my knees in my own addictions.
Without recovery from my addictions, I never would have found recovery from codependency too.
I am proud of where I am, and who I am today.
My past is my greatest asset because that is what I share with the newcomer (whether it be addictions or codependency), and with which hopefully they can identify, and see that there is hope.
The violent, brutal, rage-filled 5 years I was with my EXAH was the catalyst that finally brought me to my knees in my own addictions.
Without recovery from my addictions, I never would have found recovery from codependency too.
I am proud of where I am, and who I am today.
My past is my greatest asset because that is what I share with the newcomer (whether it be addictions or codependency), and with which hopefully they can identify, and see that there is hope.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
Absolutely, unequivocably NOT. I am going through an absolutely ugly divorce...he has his attorney played already (victimhood)...and we had no children together.
Here is my caveat. Had I known he was an alcoholic and if he was working a program and was able to communicate this to me-then at least I would have had the choice. But-no...no way...never again...I am not the right person to be married to someone with addictions.
Here is my caveat. Had I known he was an alcoholic and if he was working a program and was able to communicate this to me-then at least I would have had the choice. But-no...no way...never again...I am not the right person to be married to someone with addictions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Absolutely not. I have not left...yet. If I had made the connection between how he treats me and alcohol much sooner, I would not have married him. The more his alcohol problem does not exist (according to him), the bigger my problem gets.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
(BTW, Coyote, I love your post.)
I left my STBXAH over 2 years ago; filed for divorce this year. Nearly 10 years married, nearly 16 years together. I look back now and bleaaaaah. I have recurring day dreams about going back in time and turning him away from my door the day he showed up to move in to my one bedroom apartment with nothing more than a duffle bag, 2 antique milk crates, a lamp and a director's chair - or a dream that I realized why the stress was so horrid in trying to plan the wedding and called it off and kicked him out.
The main drawback is to these daydreams is without having dated and married STBXAH, I wouldn't have met the singular most amazing person in my life - our son. As awful, hurtful and painful as life with STBXAH was, I think that I would go through that all again and more - as long as there is hope to getting out of it - in order to have the chance to know, love, nurture, and raise this beautiful, kind, strong and empathethic soul.
I left my STBXAH over 2 years ago; filed for divorce this year. Nearly 10 years married, nearly 16 years together. I look back now and bleaaaaah. I have recurring day dreams about going back in time and turning him away from my door the day he showed up to move in to my one bedroom apartment with nothing more than a duffle bag, 2 antique milk crates, a lamp and a director's chair - or a dream that I realized why the stress was so horrid in trying to plan the wedding and called it off and kicked him out.
The main drawback is to these daydreams is without having dated and married STBXAH, I wouldn't have met the singular most amazing person in my life - our son. As awful, hurtful and painful as life with STBXAH was, I think that I would go through that all again and more - as long as there is hope to getting out of it - in order to have the chance to know, love, nurture, and raise this beautiful, kind, strong and empathethic soul.
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
psych evaluation done, every background check done, will have to pass a drug test
funny, now a days...I wonder...are we allowed to do that now? cause I would in a heart beat!!
(been gone for 2 days...thanks for the replies...I am shocked...glad I asked!)
funny, now a days...I wonder...are we allowed to do that now? cause I would in a heart beat!!
(been gone for 2 days...thanks for the replies...I am shocked...glad I asked!)
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by aasharon90
THIS Is where Im suppose
to be in my life and I have
no regrets.
to be in my life and I have
no regrets.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Yes
Even if he relapses. Living with him and then separating (then reconciling, sober now 15 months). Has made me stronger than I ever was. I was always taken care of, my whole life.
Living with him gave me the desperation I needed to learn to live on my own and support my kids. It forced me to find myself, find my strength and ability to live on my own.
And I was only able to reconcile with him because I knew I am still that person today. No matter what happens with him - I will always be OK.
If I hadn't been throught that hell, I would have never learned what I am really made of.
I know now I am truly awesome
Even if he relapses. Living with him and then separating (then reconciling, sober now 15 months). Has made me stronger than I ever was. I was always taken care of, my whole life.
Living with him gave me the desperation I needed to learn to live on my own and support my kids. It forced me to find myself, find my strength and ability to live on my own.
And I was only able to reconcile with him because I knew I am still that person today. No matter what happens with him - I will always be OK.
If I hadn't been throught that hell, I would have never learned what I am really made of.
I know now I am truly awesome
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