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I did something bad :X

Old 08-27-2010, 09:42 PM
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I did something bad :X

Well,okay so I know it's been a day since we broke up,but TODAY is OFFICIALLY,done,I AM THROUGH WITH HIM! And here's exactly why:

So today,I was online playing a game and he came online as well and said,"hello". I didn't really reply,but then he said,"I'm sorry for the way I acted the other day,I know I was wrong".I said,"It's okay,but well,no its not".

Then we got into how he wanted our relationship to be better,and that we should push each other more into doing things,how we never really pushed one another to do something (i disagree,I pushed him to do lots of good things).He was saying that we were both followers and that he was going to take the lead into the relationship so I was like..'okay...'

He then mentioned that we should do something today,because we never really get to do anything (mainly because of him).He randomly responded as to going kayaking.I had to work today,so I called out,because I wanted to see where this was going to head....boy I should've went to work.

When I got to his house I waited for him outside in my car.When he opened it he was already talking A LOT,and I could tell something was different about him,he must have been drinking.Then he called the kayak guy and just the way he was talking to him was so idiotic and retarded,I knew he was on something.

On our way there,he asked to stop at a gas station...so I stopped,and of course he comes out with a large can of beer,and a bag of chips and a yoo-hoo for me.I saw him come out with a black plastic bag,and when he came to the car he automatically opened my back door and placed it there.I asked what he had bought and he didnt answer,he only told me to open my gas door to fill up my gas. I looked in the bag,and just told him to stop putting in gas,because i was angry (however i am thankful he filled up my tank,the only good thing he has done)

We started our way to the kayak,but then I began to cry because I knew how this was going to turn out,and I didn't want to go anymore,yet i kept driving there.He asked why,and i said because you're drinking,and it's only been a day since you last drank and sobered up!

Least to say,we didn't make it to the kayak because we couldn't find it and I pretty much said I was going home.On the drive back he just kept talking and talking about his deployment in january and how he can't wait to leave. He even called his aunt to see if he could move in with her but she rejected,I laughed to myself,because I know she doesn't like him. Then he tried to smoke in my car,I locked the windows,and pleaded for me to put them down.I said NO,and he lit a few,and I threw all of his cigarrettes out the window.

So,basically,we got home,his mom told me to just leave him.I said GLADLY,but first I must do one more thing.I went to his room,ripped up every picture of us and left it on his bed.He said he didn't care about that,and neither did I. Also on the way home,he was pretty much saying how bad of a gf I was,and how he cant wait to meet all these hot chicks.

So,after tearing the pics I left.I went to my car then saw that he had left his cell phone in my car.He called my phone and asked me to get it back,but I hung up on him through mid-sentence.He even got his parents to call me to give it back,but I didn't answer...why should I?i mean,he was gonna call other people to get even more drunk...but that didn't stop him anyways because after I left he bought more beer,and eventually went out from what his mom told me.

After that,I went to my best friend's house just to cry,and I went through his phone to see a 'Mary'.I texted her pretending to be him to ask who she was.She said she met him at a restaurant and he knew her brother because he owed him money but recently paid him back.Also she worked with his mom a while back. I asked if 'we' did anything and she said 'yes,a few weeks ago and a few weeks before that' and by anything I meant sexual.

So I called his mom to ask if she knew her and I gave her,her phone number.She said she did,and I asked if she was pretty and she said she had pretty long hair and was kinda chunky,but she said she recently lost 40 pounds.

After that I just felt extremely angry and not sad.I wanted to beat the **** out of him because our whole relationship was a lie...I'm mad at myself for going back,because the way he talked well it sounded diff,not like I was planning on doing anything anyways...

But yes..that was my day..the cherry on top for my week,and it's not even over yet.I am having a 'burning' party tomorrow where I am burning all his stuff,I even invited a few friends.

I still have his cell phone as well and don't plan on giving it back anytime soon.
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Old 08-27-2010, 09:50 PM
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Just reading all that makes my brain hurt. What a convoluted mess! In my opinion, you both acted like spoiled little kids. Give him back his phone and just be done with him. Block him from your phone and your email. If you are done, then BE done. No need for a "burning party" or any other of those juvenile rituals. It just sounds like a bunch of high school drama crap to me.
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Old 08-27-2010, 10:02 PM
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This isnt so much about his drinking as much as it is about the dysfunction you both seem to enjoy. No need for the drama. It won't make a bit of difference in him or change him. In fact he will feel like he was 'wronged' by some 'crazy chick'.

Be coooool always. No games, no drama when it comes to relationships or you will find someone else just like him. I guarantee that.
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Old 08-28-2010, 03:59 AM
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You're right,I was just angry when I wrote that,so I will give back the phone. Just for now I am going the live life the way I want to and enjoy every bit of it.
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Old 08-28-2010, 04:03 AM
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My God, When I think back to some of crazy and yes immature stuff I did even AFTER I had kids, It makes me shutter.

Going was a bad disicion, you learned that. Everything after that doesn't matter.

Except NOW - it's time to be the bigger person and move forward.

Mail him (drop of his phone and stuff) That is it.

Keep your diginity, don't get wrapped up in having to get revenge (the burning thing).

You will only feel bad if you stoop to his level.

Keep you head up high and keep learning and growing.

BE THE BIGGER PERSON SWEETIE!
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Old 08-28-2010, 04:15 AM
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Thanks,I honestly feel stupid for writing that but I was just really angry when I found out that he had cheated on me for the second also(Even when I asked if he had,he replied,'No
.). I wasn't going to burn his cell phone,just all the stuff he had given me. I will return his phone this following monday,since this whole weekend I will be busy with work and friends who want to make me feel better
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Old 08-28-2010, 04:16 AM
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Thanks,I honestly feel stupid for writing that but I was just really angry when I found out that he had cheated on me for the second also(Even when I asked if he had,he replied,'No
.). I wasn't going to burn his cell phone,just all the stuff he had given me. I will return his phone this following monday,since this whole weekend I will be busy with work and friends who want to make me feel better
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Old 08-28-2010, 04:24 AM
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Don't feel stupid

Even though sometimes people sound a little harsh, it's just tough love. We can't be coddle all the time, sometime things just have to said the way they are seen.

Everyone in the world has done things like this and a million times worse.

Your feelings are safe here.

Did I ever tell you about the time I dragged the KIDS to bar to embarrass him...

See what I mean - horrifing!!!

(mail the phone :ghug3
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Old 08-28-2010, 04:28 AM
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Actually,when I think about it,maybe going was good because it pretty much woke me up again,gave me that invisible slap,like what the heck are you doing again.I knew I was going to get hurt,but I felt that I needed that final conclusion that this is it,no more. The phone thing also helped,because I had found out what happened and even though it was wrong to go through his phone,it definitely made me realize that I NEED to move on.It just made it easier,so I don't know,but that was my way of dealing with things.

I did delete everything,phone number/facebook/etc. I just have to remember,that life moves on,it's going to be hard the first couple of days,but I will survive.And I would like to thank ALL OF YOU who read that post and got your brain hurt from reading it,haha I apologize. I will keep coming back and try to respond to everyone's post as well,because you guys sure did help me.
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Old 08-28-2010, 04:31 AM
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Actually,when I think about it,maybe going was good because it pretty much woke me up again,gave me that invisible slap,like what the heck are you doing again.I knew I was going to get hurt,but I felt that I needed that final conclusion that this is it,no more. The phone thing also helped,because I had found out what happened and even though it was wrong to go through his phone,it definitely made me realize that I NEED to move on.It just made it easier,so I don't know,but that was my way of dealing with things.

I did delete everything,phone number/facebook/etc. I just have to remember,that life moves on,it's going to be hard the first couple of days,but I will survive.And I would like to thank ALL OF YOU who read that post and got your brain hurt from reading it,haha I apologize. I will keep coming back and try to respond to everyone's post as well,because you guys sure did help me.
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Old 08-28-2010, 06:05 AM
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When I was in the thick of my worst codependent behavior, I was truly addicted to the drama and I enjoyed it. Of course if you had asked me then if I enjoyed the drama, I would have been indignant! But in retrospect, I looked for the fights and blowups and craved them: they fulfilled my need to be a victim and my need to feel abused. Yeah, you heard it right: I wanted to be abused and neglected. I'm so glad I am aware of that now....and how I can avoid slipping into that behavior.

Good work on deciding to move on Excordis! Maybe this will be the last drama?
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Old 08-28-2010, 06:19 AM
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Yes,I hope so,at least well drama like this will be the last. I too believe I craved it,I mean I'm one of those people that like to do my work late because of the stress that I thrive on.It's that adrenaline feeling,and pushing myself to finish the work.However I'm not sure how that relates to my relationship,I think I liked to be the victim too,but I'm starting to realize that this was too much.

I just wanted a lot out of him because I believed he could do it,just that he didn't want to.Somewhere inside him,the person I first met,that was the person I fell in love with.I lost him somewhere in between that time,and now I only remember him as an alcoholic,how I left him,and how he will always be until he gets help.
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Old 08-28-2010, 08:05 AM
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you can always take your number out othe phone
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Old 08-28-2010, 08:47 AM
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A couple hints about going no contact cold turkey.

Blocking him from FB, email, phone numbers, IM, etc... is wonderful. But you might also want to consider blocking his IP address. That way he can't just send emails from new accts. You can also block all IP's from his area. For example, I will not receive emails from any server in Ohio. That means he can't even go to the public library and open an email account and email me.

You can do the same for phones and area codes. This only works if your problem person lives out of your area. But not only can you block a specific number, you can block all numbers from a specific area code. I've blocked all numbers from Ohio area codes. That means he can't use someone else's phone to try to call me. (this also works on bill collectors, you can block all 800 numbers, for example or all CA numbers, or all 'private' numbers).

The only way my ex can contact me is to show up at the door, and I can have him removed for trespassing, or through US or commercial mail. And if he wants a response he better have a prepaid fedex or whatever envelope, and I will not respond to anything with even a HINT of threat or abuse or blaming in it (not that he's tried contacting me thru the mail). I paid off by divorce atty and told him not to represent me any further if my ex tries to contact me--he said if ex wants to use him to contact me, he's going to have to retain him as his own atty, which is great with me. It'll cost my ex $5000 retainer to use my ex divorce atty to so much as email me. The people at my work were aware of his problems, so if he tries to contact them there he will not be able to cause trouble (they were the ones who told me you could block entire IP servers and area codes). At one point he used my work email to try to contact me, and they blocked him.

The only way he really can make his presence known in my life is cyber stalking me (which he does, actually he cyberstalks me here), and then only if he posts in response. Some of his responses are so vitriolic that they are excellent for printing off and using in court, should we ever have to go back, but usually the other posters jump all over him and he ends up banned. Also my life has changed so much I seldom go to the websites I used to. So if he bashes me, I don't know.

It's absolutely wonderful to be free and protected from the poison dysfunctional people spew and to have good strong defenses. Do you know what the biggest problems in my life have been since the divorce? Wasps in the mailbox. A can of Raid took care of that. Oh the pool pump broke and the pool turned green, but my son fixed it. And I suppose the mortgage modification process is a pain, but it's going to happen or not and I've done what I was supposed to and have documented everything, so the rest is just amusing (they once called to say they had all the documents from me they needed, except one--but they didn't know which one, LOL).

That's it. I've had close to a year of no aggravation, no abuse, no weird scheming manipulatons, no crises, no gnawing anxiety about what's going to happen now, what's going to go wrong now. No hypervigilance waiting for attack. And in the absence of all that poison, very good things have grown.

When you go no contact, one thing you might do is ruminate on what's he doing now, that sort of thing. That can impede your recovery. So you have to put a strong block against it. My therapist had me design an all's well ending for all the people who used to be in life: ex, the kids, his mother, etc... And whenever I might drift to thinking about them, I replaced it with the all's well ending: the divorce woke up ex, he stopped drinking, he stood up to his mother, his mother saw the errors of her ways, the mentally disturbed kid stopped acting out, my stepdau thrives, etc.... all's love and prosperity and kindness. Now, I KNOW that's not true, but without evidence to the contrary (such as driving past my ex's favorite bars and seeing his dau sitting on the steps with her head in her hands alone at 9:30 at night--my stomache just dropped), without evidence to the contrary, it sticks and emotionally it works. As far as I know, she's happily sitting at her aunt's kitchen island chattering while her aunt cooks a fragrant supper.

Complete no contact is absolutely the best thing. It's liberating, constructive, healing. Make it as watertight as possible, and see what wondeful things happen in YOUR life, when you aren't constantly being dragged down by someone else's negative energy.

Look luck to you.
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Old 08-28-2010, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Bucyn View Post
Do you know what the biggest problems in my life have been since the divorce? Wasps in the mailbox. A can of Raid took care of that. Oh the pool pump broke and the pool turned green, but my son fixed it. And I suppose the mortgage modification process is a pain, but it's going to happen or not and I've done what I was supposed to and have documented everything, so the rest is just amusing (they once called to say they had all the documents from me they needed, except one--but they didn't know which one, LOL).

That's it. I've had close to a year of no aggravation, no abuse, no weird scheming manipulatons, no crises, no gnawing anxiety about what's going to happen now, what's going to go wrong now. No hypervigilance waiting for attack. And in the absence of all that poison, very good things have grown.
What a great post, Bucyn. All great advice and sound words of wisdom.

The above, in itself, is PRICELESS. To have peace in the absence of the turmoil of addiction (both the addict's and the codie's) is a gift. Letting the A live his or her own life, and taking responsibility for your own happiness...I'll take wasps in the mailbox any day.
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Old 08-28-2010, 11:15 AM
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I drug my feet about making the decision to leave my XABF and be truly done with him. I had a lot of fear about making it on my own, being able to get through life's trials without someone to hang on to.
Sometimes you need a good swift kick in the backside to make the tough decisions.
I got mine in many ways.
It looks like you've received yours. Sorry if it hurt, but clearly the point needed to be made.
You needed to see that he will say what he needs to say to get you back. He'll put all the work in the relationship on himself if that's what's needed, but in the end all you really are is a ride to get beer and another hot chick on his celphone.

He wasn't faithful before and he has no reason to be faithful in the future. He was sober a day and that was the best he could give.

He can bring you to a pretty low and petty place and when you read back on what you wrote, you feel stupid and ashamed.

You've learned alot in a short time. Take that kick in the backside with a smile and use it to get further down your path in your own life with your own job, your own friends, your own wants and needs being met. Leave his pitiful self back at his mom's with his booze and his easily forgettable women and no ambition to do anything.

Good for you for getting on with things!

Alice
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Old 08-28-2010, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by ExCordis View Post
I just wanted a lot out of him
aaaah, so you had expections for him to change....NO NO NO, that not good...YOU never change a person...THEY HAVE TO CHANGE THEMSELVES
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Old 08-28-2010, 01:07 PM
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Delete your name and all your details.....puttext note for him saying NO CONTACT and send his phone back.

God bless
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Old 08-28-2010, 01:10 PM
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Complete no contact is absolutely the best thing. It's liberating, constructive, healing. Make it as watertight as possible, and see what wondeful things happen in YOUR life, when you aren't constantly being dragged down by someone else's negative energy.



"These are the stories that never, never die, that are carried like seed into a new country, are told to you and me and make in us new and lasting strengths."
~ Meridel Le Sueur
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Old 08-29-2010, 06:12 AM
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my head was spinning while reading the original post. i too thought "ah! childish! bratty stuff!" but i know that when you're out of control, well, you're out of control.

this is what i do want to say:

1. read bucyn's post three times. it's good, solid advice
2. yes, you did need that last slap.
3. always try and choose integrity. it's one of the things no one can take away from us. you called out sick for work - a job that you are responsible for doing, and then not only shirked that responsibility, but lied in order to do it. and for a innoble cause at that.
just something to consider.

you probably feel bad in about five different ways, and it is not my intention to make you feel worse, but to perhaps give you something to chew on.

please stick around SR. there is much to be gained by doing so.

peace....
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