Need some words of encouragement

Old 08-27-2010, 07:53 AM
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Need some words of encouragement

I am having feelings of guilt again. I have read a few postings about guilt and they have helped, but what I really need is some real time encouragement.

After a year in AA my ABF still feels the need to "check out" (as I call it) whenever he receives bad news. In my opinion he is just "white knuckling" it in between drinking episodes (which he denies every time). By "check out" i mean that he will isolate himself in his apartment, call out at work and not answer calls.

I have come to the slow but firm decision that I want to end this long term relationship and did alot of reading about it. As it turns out though, the bad news is that his mom has just been diagnosed with cancer. Having received this news all of my guilty thoughts are flooding back. I can't fathom giving him my news right after he has received such bad news about his mother.

I keep trying to remind myself that when he "checks out" for whatever reason he is being irresponsible and puting his job (has had it for two weeks by the way) life and relationship in jeopardy. It's not fair for me to have to deal with this.

I have asked him to give me some time to myself right now. I want to think logically right now and not spend all of my time worrying. I just know that given my marshmellow type of personality...if I go back into this stuff it will all just happen again. It has been a year since we moved into separate apartments, but I just don't think that is really what I want.

Any words of advice or encouragement would be so helpful.

Thanks
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Old 08-27-2010, 08:04 AM
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Well, it really doesn't matter whether he is "white knuckling" or not.....if it isn't working for you it isn't.

Do you know what?!? We don't even have to have a reason to say: it is time for me to attend to my own life and my own happiness and "this" is what I have decided to do.

relationships for me....I want them to be a warm, snuggly place for me.

remember....the right to pursue happiness is a constitutional right! LOL

hugs!
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Old 08-27-2010, 08:06 AM
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Hi, I'm sorry about his mom, but you have to take care of yourself too. He is being irresponsible when he checks out, like you said. I could see how you feel guilty, I'm a softee too but your not responsible for keeping him happy and sober. You're not doing anything to feel guilty about by ending a relationship that you do not want to be in.
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Old 08-27-2010, 08:19 AM
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Hi HopeNYC - NJ here

It sounds like he is struggling, but if you have been reading you already there is nothing you can do for him. Even with sad news of his mom. He may use this as an excuse to relapse. But we know it's just that - an excuse.

We all have to learn how deal with life, the good and the terrible stuff that comes with it.

If he wants to talk about his mom and his feelings of grief and he is sober, you can be his friend if you want. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. But if the drinking and pity party starts - you should back away.

When ending relationships like this, I don't think there always has to be "the big ending relationship discussion" or the need to have closure.

When he checks out - just leave it. Don't call, don't call back, just end it. There doesn't always have to be all kinds hoopla. Just say "I'm done" end of story.

You don't have to feel guilty for wanting a quiet life without an alcoholic. It's actually a good, stable decision.

Stay strong and keep posting
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Old 08-27-2010, 08:28 AM
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Thank you so much! Your words on my screen make me feel better.
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Old 08-27-2010, 09:06 AM
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His mom and your breakup are not mutually exclusive. It is a fact that sometimes things happen to us in multiples and that's they way of life sometimes. That event is separate from you and your desire to end the relationship, and by unfortunate circumstance for him they may happen at the same time and that's his issue to cope with (or not cope as he seems to be doing). Are you willing to put your life on hold to wait for a different time? What if his dog dies, or he loses his job etc etc it could be you're waiting forever. If you are clear on your decision then the most honest and forthright thing to do is follow through - otherwise you run the risk of hurting yourself by continuing in a situation that you have already decided to discontinue, and the effect of that will pass on to him anyway.
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Old 08-27-2010, 09:30 AM
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The end of my marriage coincided with the death of my father from cancer.
That was a REALLY sucky year.

I could have used those very heavy events as excuses to flame-out, but I chose to reach out for help, I chose to get into therapy, and I chose to make some changes in my life.

It was a natural time for some very deep self-examination.

Your BF has the freedom to choose how he wants to handle adversity and you feeling guilty over his choices is actually creating a lot of dangerous misplaced energy/anger that you end up directing into your own body.

Do what's right for you and let go of the outcome.

Peace-
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Old 08-27-2010, 10:52 AM
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You are responsible for YOU and he is responsible for HIM. If you do not make yourself Number One, NO ONE will. You know what you want and this is not it, but you sacrifice you for him. Why? Do you feel sorry for him? Responsible for him? How do you know what the outcome will be of u leaving? How do u know it would not be what makes him finally reach out for the help he may need?
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Old 08-27-2010, 02:24 PM
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all of the above...

...plus, I believe that if a relationship isn't working for one person, then the relationship isn't working for both, even if one half isn't up to speed with that yet. I would not want to be with someone who was with me out of pity or because they decided that the other things that were going on in my life were too much for me to handle, and however painful catching up with them on their feelings about the relationship was, I'd far rather they were up front and ended it than drew it out.

I have stayed with someone out of guilt about how my leaving them would affect them. Or at least that is what I told myself, actually when I delved, my reasons were more selfish and this was my excuse (I couldn't do this delving at the time, I didn't have the emotional distance to explore it in that way). I am not saying this is the same for you, just my experience.
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Old 08-27-2010, 09:51 PM
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What he isnt realizing is that checking out changes the focus to it being about him and not his poor mom who is the one with the illness who probably needing support. I understand triggers and if he is scared but that is what AA is for, to help cope through lifes ups and downs. Do NOT feel guilty.

Recovery is about not checking out when stress or tragedy strikes. I've knew parents who've dealt with cancer in their small child -- so if anyone deserves to check it it is them but they never did. They bore the pain. And they got through it.
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Old 08-28-2010, 06:00 AM
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I spoke with him this morning and I really don't think it took. I think he thinks I'm just mad and trying to make him feel bad. I still feel like I'm being cruel, but I know it's just my unreasonable guilt. I don't know what else to say except that I feel cruddy right now and I have a feeling he will be trying to convince me that my feelings about leaving are wrong. After 15 years this is just plain hard.
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Old 08-28-2010, 06:05 AM
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How about not talking to him for a few days at least,

It's the weekend!

How about planning some fun and pampering just for you?
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Old 08-29-2010, 02:36 PM
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15 years is a long time . . . Now I don't want to presume about how close you were, and how long this hell has gone on in your life, but for myself I try to think about where I want to be 5 years down the line - it works for me. STICK IT OUT!!!

xxx P
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Old 08-29-2010, 04:49 PM
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I have been dating someone who is 2 years sober. He had a really sucky phase last winter, and as bad as things got, he did not drink. He is proud of himself for that.

It is, as they say, where the rubber meets the road.

If recovery never got tested, if one stayed sober only when things were relatively easy, then that's not recovery is it?

This is what I read in your concern: "I have a lot to do with his sobriety. If I act a certain (perhaps) or if I cushion the blows of life, he will do better." It is classic, we've all felt this way. But it is an illusion.

I know, since the original post, you have had a "talk" with him. But still you're having those guilt pangs. I just want to try and help you to let go of them. Life happens. To every one of us, sober or not. It's how we respond to Life that matters.

Maybe take a breather -- go no contact for one week. Evaluate how you feel at the end of that time. Then give us a report!

I wish you the best with this - it's tough
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Old 08-29-2010, 05:13 PM
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Hi Hopenyc,

I went through a lot of similiar guilt feelngs when my abf's stepfather was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. I was ready to bail out of the relationship then the cancer happened. I tried to do all the right things for him and his family. I really went in to a bit of a codie binge over it all. In the end I probably should not have bothered. He hardly even speaks to his stepdad now because the cancer has made him "grumpy and selfish". Yes, abf has labeled the cancer patient selfish. My relationship with abf has ended anyway regardless of my efforts to the the "right thing" by him and his family during those early days.

If it is time for you to end it you will know I think. His life will continue to "happen" with or without you. His sobriety is his responsibility regardless of circumstances. You can't change that - just like the cancer can't change it either.

Sending you big HUGS - I know that guilt feeling all too well. :ghug3
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Old 08-30-2010, 03:19 AM
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He wanted to talk yesterday so we did...for a full hour. It was a good talk. He didn't once try to make me feel like I have made the wrong decision. I think he ultimately knows why I need to do this. He's not a bad person. He's someone with a disease and he will never really try to recover if I enable and act as a safety net. I'm scared as heck though. I'm the classic alanonic who has isolated myself during these last 5 years and now I feel alone. It's a long road ahead and I'm glad for alanon and these forums! Thanks all for your support and encouraging words!
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Old 08-30-2010, 03:38 AM
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Good morning!

Awesome that you were honest with him!
There must have been plenty of things that you have set aside while in this relationship.
I hope you will grant yourself the time and gift of looking into those curiosities, dreams, and flights of fancy.
Get your toes wet, try some out, visit some places that have only appealed to you.
It's a big wide world out there!
hugs!
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Old 08-30-2010, 04:47 AM
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Hope, I understand how you feel. My husband has been sober a year, and things are still not good. I am questioning whether I want to stay or not. We do not live together, as I didn't want him coming home after rehab. So many times when I'm around him, I just don't feel good. It is as if he is pulling the life out of me. I realize I am responsible for my own happiness, and I have to draw my own boundaries when I feel like that.

Yesterday he came over, and was in a funk. After a brief chat, I asked him to leave. I told him that I could not feel good and be around him when he was in that negative place, and if he couldn't pull out of it, I didn't want to be around him. I had a good day after he left.

As for leaving for good, I believe that I will know when it is time to get a divorce, if that is the course I will take. If you haven't read it, or read it lately, I recommend Melody Beattie's The New Codependency (or something like that). I read it when my husband first entered rehab, but it had a different impact on me when I read it again months later.

Good luck.
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Old 08-30-2010, 11:01 AM
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I was just talking today with my sis-in-law about guilt, as it related to her mother who tries to give her an extra helping of it every time they talk. She does things more for herself now (including limited contact with her mother for her health and sanity) but allows herself to still take on the guilt.

I told her what I've learned about guilt thus far in my Al Anon journey - it's a hook. I suggested that the next time her mother makes a comment like 'you never spend time with the family' she can simply say 'I'm sorry you feel that way'. She doesn't have to explain herself or her decisions regarding her family participation.

He may try to make you feel guilty, but you don't have to take it from him. You can let him keep it. You've made your choice, you know it deep down, don't let someone else take that away because it's not theirs to take. If they don't like what it means to them they will try hard as heck to bring things back to THEIR normal, so that means they have an ulterior motive (consciously or subconsciously). Keep strong in your conviction - YOU are the best gauge of what you have to do.
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Old 08-30-2010, 11:42 AM
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Sounds to me like you've already decided.

I loved this from ChrrisT:

You don't have to feel guilty for wanting a quiet life without an alcoholic. It's actually a good, stable decision.
The guilt isn't a 'natural' guilt.
'Natural guilt' is ...

like when you were a kid and ate an entire package of cinnamon rolls
after swimming and got sick.
Now, to this day you (er..*I*) can't even SMELL a cinnamon roll.

That's "Natural guilt' ...
the body ... warning against repeating something
that brought it harm.

The kind of guilt
that comes from an illogical notion
that we can control
or even be responsible for
the choices and actions of someone else ...

that's an aquired feelng.

I personally think you sound pretty dang rational and logical.

you finally get to this :

come here and get this :

then you can wind up like .. :day6
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