ellima01

Tuesday he plad guilty to 4th degree Domestic assualt and evading (misdemeanor) and got 4 weekends in jail- which he was very accepting of.
The next day I smelled alcohol. He was not drunk- but I knew he had been drinking. He admitte it- and spoke rationally to me. He told me he had no idea why it happened- he was just overwhelmed by an instant compulsion to drink. He called his sponsor- but drank anyway He says he is going to mtgs (daily) and trying to wrk on the steps- but it is still not "working fr him". I kinda feel sorry for him ( a little) but mostly Im just wondering- what now???

suki44883

Unfortunately, from the history you've posted over these last almost six years, more of the same. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

LaTeeDa

I have to agree with suki. Four weekends in jail and a few AA meetings is unlikely to change anything. If you want something different, you must DO something different.

My wish and hope for you is that you get away from him before something tragic happens...

L

Freedom1990

That is my wish and hope for you too, Ellima.

I will never ever place myself in a position to be abused in any manner.

I know God doesn't want me to live that way, and he doesn't want it for you either.

fourmaggie

do you know what to do now? are you hiding what you NEED to do..??

ItsmeAlice

He certainly has every idea why this happened but does not want to face it.
He is an alcoholic with rage issues and cannot control his impulses. He would rather be in denial. The process of recovery will never work for him because he is not working the process of recovery. He wants to go through the motions and have his problems magically repaired.

What has been written here is true. Nothing will change for him if he doesn't change what he's been doing up this point.

You are in the same position as he. You know why this has all occurred but you still want to scratch your head and think of some other reason for the violence, addiction, and dsyfunction in your relationship. What could I possible do now? There must be another way to fix the problem, right? wrong. The answers are the same.

He is unhealthy. You are unhealthy. He is resisting the recovery that is right in front of him. Why should he, you'll still be there taking the beatings and he gets to keep on drinking, right? You can't change his path, but you can certainly change yours. You can get healthy but it won't occur until you are away from him. In the future, shoule he become healthy, too, then you can consider reuniting. Until then, you can only save yourself. I sure hope you decide now to do that.

Time to stop asking the questions and hoping for new answers. Do what you have resisted doing all along. Drop your addiction and get healthy. We are here to support you!!

Alice

Pelican

Ellima, I kinda feel sorry for you (a little) but mostly I am wondering - what now???

I think Alice said it best.

There isn't any recovery happening in this relationship.

The only recovery you have control over is yours. Your life matters.

TakingCharge999

Kentucky domestic violence association

[email protected]
502.209.KDVA (5382)
Kentucky Domestic Violence Association

Member Programs

There are fifteen domestic violence programs in Kentucky. The programs began as safe shelters for victims of domestic violence, but as understanding of the complex issues facing victims of domestic violence continues to grow, domestic violence programs are increasingly committed to providing strong client support services.

In addition to providing a safe, secure environment for victims/survivors and their children, programs now also offer a variety of support services to residents and non-residents including: Legal/Court advocacy, Case management, Safety planning, Support groups, Individual counseling, Housing assistance, Job search and Children's groups.

Programs are also working with clients on resume writing, improving basic job skills, parenting, budgeting, and drug and alcohol issues.

The programs are also committed to preventing future domestic violence through public awareness and community education efforts. Domestic violence programs are working with schools, local professionals, and community groups to increase understanding of domestic violence issues.

A. Ashland Area - Safe Harbor, Inc.
B. Bowling Green Area - Barren River Area Safe Space, Inc.
C. Elizabethtown Area - SpringHaven, inc.
D. Hazard Area - LKLP Safe House
E. Hopkinsville Area - Sanctuary, Inc.
F. Lexington Area - Bluegrass Domestic Violence Program
G. Louisville Area - The Center for Women and Families
H. Maysville Area - Women's Crisis Center
I. Morehead Area - D.O.V.E.S.
J. Mount Vernon Area - Family Life Abuse Center
K. Northern Kentucky Area - Women's Crisis Center
L. Owensboro Area - OASIS
M. Paducah Area - Merryman House
N. Prestonsburg Area - Sandy Valley Abuse Center
O. Somerset Area - Bethany House Abuse Shelter, Inc.

Live

thank you TC! Way to go! That's a helping hand!

TakingCharge999

Please contact the association above. Try to think of all the women that don't have anyone to resort to. You are lucky to be in US where you can get help, tips.

I was drugged and raped 6 years ago in a rave party. I was too ashamed and had issues -still have issues- thinking about myself as a "rape victim". It seems as someone else, surely not ME. At the time I was really sad and told no one. I should have reported the guy to the police, but I was too afraid and ashamed. Moreover, in my country women are abused,killed on a daily basis and when the family or friend report that, police -if they can even be called police- laugh, hint the woman was probably a wh***, politicians say it happens because the woman was not at home or because she was wearing short skirt. It's a shame. I didn't have to go through that on top of how I already felt.

I did not report him and who knows how many others he has taken advantage of. I would have done anything to have a center near me where people understood and had means to help me then. Please use your resources. Listen to them. Your life is at stake. YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE WHAT HAPPENED. You are a child of God.

dollydo

To be honest, I really do not know why you continue to put yourself in harms way, over and over again...it just does not compute.

I think Alice is right on the mark, you both are very unhealthy people, and, neither of you want to embrace recovery.

There is no fixing the problem, until you get away from him and get yourself into a program.

I hope that someday you finally see the light and move forward with your life. You deserve better.

Jadmack25

I can think of a way you can stay with him and eventually get him sober, and that is by you continuing to be beaten and bashed until he finally kills you. Spending the rest of his life, either in a cell for 40 years or so, or being executed for your death, is a sure way of keeping him away from bars and bottleshops.

Drastic method I admit, but this relationship is heading nowhere good, as he won't give up his addiction, and you won't consider giving up yours.

Til one of you makes a change, it will stay the same old mess.

God bless

Pelican

Ellima,

How are you today?

I want to apologize to you for my rude, sarcastic response yesterday. I was reacting to your post about your AH's drinking again, instead of responding to your feelings about his drinking again. I am sorry.

Let us know how you are doing and how we can help you.

LexieCat

I feel sorry for ANYONE caught in the web of addiction.

HOWEVER, addiction is not an acceptable excuse for abuse. It doesn't seem that even knowing he abused you and going to jail for it is enough to push him out of the addict orbit and into the recovery orbit.

The only way to stay safe is to stay away. I hope you contact some of the DV resources listed. Sometimes we need extra reinforcement to know we are worth saving--before we feel it in our guts. You are worth it.

Freedom1990

Ellima, I understand what it's like to be exposed to the abuse for so long that you are desensitized to it.

I clearly remember one night my EXAH went off in one of his drug-induced rages. He was smashing the kitchen cupboards with the iron bar off of a small dumbbell set.

I was standing in the middle of the living room thinking I should be scared to death because I might be next, but I wasn't. I felt nothing.

Please please use the resources TC999 posted for you, and get some help with a domestic violence counselor. Please. I care whether you live or die.

silkspin

Ellima, you are strong and you can get through this.

I can only ask if, knowing what you know now (that he will be doing jail time for assaulting you), can you go back. Could things ever be the same. The proverbial bell has been rung and can't be unrung. Will you ever feel safe?

It may be almost impossible to imagine a different reality - one without him, but sometimes our option of dragging ourselves towards the light is the only one considering our circumstances. To stay is to be at risk, to leave is a risk worth taking.

theuncertainty

Ellima, how are you doing? While I do not know how you're feeling, I can commiserate. I stayed too long with my STBXAH who was emotionally abusive; he never hit me, but he didn't have to: his physical intimidation, veiled threats, emotional abuse and gaslighting were enough to keep me hiding in the back room. I do not know why I allowed myself to be treated that way, or why I stayed for so long - Love ? Fear does not equal love. Love is not supposed to hurt or cause fear... - I am trying to work through all of that. Please do not internalize any messages that you are bad, stupid, weak, or (whatever) for remaining. I believe all women who have suffered with abuse have to figure out for themselves why they stay(ed) and when it may be time to leave.

I'm learning that:

• I did not and do not ever deserve to be treated that way
• Alcohol did not / does not "make" my STBX abusive
• Abuse is not about 'losing control,' it's about the abuser trying to keep his partner under his control on some level
• On some level, the abuser is distinctly aware of what he is doing and made a decision to behave that way
• Like an alcoholic, an abuser generally cannot "just stop" abusing - significant insight into himself (herself) and a genuine insight into and empathy about how he's hurt his partner and that she not to blame for his behaviour and a genuine desire to change and seek out help is needed

I've found Lundy Bancroft's books to be very helpful in my journey to recover from abuse - he goes through the myths related to abuse and provides accurate information about the misconceptions and abusive behavior.

Silkspin makes a really strong point to keep in mind. You (I) deserve to FEEL safe. You (I) deserve to BE safe.

Please reach out to the DV resources. Start gathering information, start making a safety plan. If you do not feel safe when he's not in jail, the DV resources can help explain how to get a protective order and what it means. Gathering the information does not mean you have to take the steps right now, it's just getting information you need.

Be safe. Wishing you strength and peace.

JenT1968

one book that I read that helped me enormously, in practical ways about the whole "what now" thing, and helped me sort out my own thinking, was one recommended on here: Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men, it is wriiten by a man who is involved in treating violent and abusive men. It contains very practical advice, and dispels some of the myths surrounding violence and abusive behaviour, and goes into the effects on those who are within their influence. It also has a chapter on abusive people with addictions.

I didn't recognise my situation on every page, but I did on many pages. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has been through any episodes of abuse with an intimate partner. I think amazon may have some pages that you can read through without buying it first/getting it from a library, if not the author has a website with some videos and things although I have not looked at this so I can't personally recommend it. The weekend jail-time may give you some space to look into this? keep safe ((ellimae))

JenT1968

D'oh, that'll teach me to put the kettle on in the middle of a reply LOL

JenT1968

sorry, I meant to ask how you felt about the court outcome? obviously it's none of my business, but I wonder if you are ok talking about how you feel.