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What is stopping me?

Old 08-24-2010, 04:06 PM
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What is stopping me?

Why can't I put my son out of my home? I mean to ask, when he is standing in front of me, with hatred in his eyes (benadryl) andgy cause I found a rolled up paper where he had obviously snorted his vicodin, maybe, after his surgery on his sinus -how stupid can you be?
When he has thrown a glass and shattered it on my back porch. When he pulls back the broom like he wants to brain me with it? When he calls me names I have never heard used (and I can cuss like a sailor, if provoked)?
When he says i have disrespected him for the last time, for snooping in his room?
I woke at 4am, to find him not here. he took his bicycle. figured it was to look for smokes, since I wont buy them anymore. I looked in his room to see if he had his cell phone, cause I was almost going to call him, then thought No, let him search for used smokes with dignity
On the table, i saw a rolled up paper, which i figured must not be a good thing to find. He had his surgery, on sinus , two weeks ago. also found a pack of my benadryl. one missing.
when he came in , i asked him about the paper, and he denied anything. I told him I was going to ask son in law (with DEA) what was on the paper. he laughed, but got mad later, and I knew.
at work , i tasted the tip of it (yeah, he got his brains from me) and tasted probbly the vicodin. or something.
he has no money or job, no beer, no smokes, so i figure it is the vicodin, about 10 that he used in about three days. for party purpose.

why i cant bring myself to call the cops is beyond me. I cant bear to see him arrested, when he is so desperate in his life. he has no friends. they hate his couch hopping, i guess,and dont callhim. he is so negative, says there is nothing he can do about his situation.

my head tells me that he is getting lost here, but my heart says that it is the wrong thing to turn him out. he has the survival skills of a two year old. my fault too, i am sure.

my heart is breaking tonight. he has calmed down, i asked him if he needs to go to the hospital. he said, "on two benadryl?".

I am feeling like he is losing his mind, and I dont know what would be worse on him- to have a place to sleep, with food, or to be walking the streets, with no money, no job , no hope?

What is wrong with me? Why can't i do what everyone says is right for my son? i feel like there is no hope for him. he is a hopeless person, and so negative about anything that anyone suggests. he has a reason that it will not work. says it is a waste of time to try, when he keeps getting "we are not hiring".
sorry that this is so emotional. I wanted so badly to have him gone, but feel pity for a man so pathetic and depressed. I am probably making it all worse.

God help me, please.

Thank you for your support here. It is the only reason that I am not crying myself sick right now. At least, I am functioning, while i am crying myself sick
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Old 08-24-2010, 04:25 PM
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Oh hun, (((Chicory)))

I don't know what is stopping you. I wish I did. I would offer you the answers straight away.

I hope you find the strength to do this.

It was heartbreaking to read about the tension and sneaking and anger that fills your home.

I wish for you a home that is a sanctuary of love for yourself. A love that you can share with others that appreciate your good qualities.

Prayers for your peace.
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Old 08-24-2010, 04:34 PM
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Chicory, if I were local to where you live, I'd be giving you a hug right about now.

As the saying goes, "Let go or be dragged", and it hurts my heart that you are being dragged.

I often refer to the following poem when I prolong the pain by not doing what I need to do:

Broken Toys

As children bring their broken toys,
With tears for us to mend;
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because he was my friend.
But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help, with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go..."
author unknown
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Old 08-24-2010, 04:35 PM
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(((((chicory)))))

You are having trouble throwing him out because you are a mother, he is your son and you love him.

That being said, here goes:

he has the survival skills of a two year old.
BULL. He has great surviving skills, he's still 'manipulating' you to let him live there. He knows how to get his 'drugs' one way or another.

Now, only you will know when you have reached the point my folks did, but let me post for you a 'brief' part of 'my story':

Send a message via ***** to laurie6781

Laurie 6781's Journey-My Story
Several months ago Carol D asked me to post “My Story.” Carol and I have known each other for several years now. We met on a different recovery site (now defunct) and have been ‘on line friends’ for almost 10 years. So here goes:

I was raised in the Midwest in an upper middle class family (that many years later I was to realize was extremely dysfunctional). Had what I thought was an average childhood (more was revealed the further I got into recovery.)

In 1957 when I was 12 I was physically maturing rather quickly. My mother in her infinite wisdom didn’t want some fellow to be able to take me out and get me drunk and do what he wanted, so she decided that I could learn how to “control and enjoy” my drinking at home. Now I have to tell you that I did learn how to control OR enjoy but NEVER at the same time.

I know today that by the time I was 16 I was already an alcoholic, but was a functioning one back then. I kept alcohol in my car, in my locker at school, in my locker at work, and in my bedroom. Finally realized in recovery that the only one I was hiding it from was myself.

In 1966 I gave up a little bab y girl for adoption, yes I did drink through most of the pregnancy, but did ‘control’ to a certain extent. 34 years later when I found her, it was with great relief to find out that she did not have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and in fact was a healthy, successful, adult woman.

In ’67 I married a fellow who was career Air Force and who had been married before (an alcoholic by the way.) He was 10 years older than me and had 4 children from his first marriage. His first wife was in the last stages of Alcoholism. We went to court and I adopted his 4 children, ranging in age from 6 to 13. The fun was just beginning.

When he would be home on leave we had the usual alcoholic fights and they slowly got worse. Ironically, after we divorced, we became friends. My alcoholism progressed.

For many years I remained a ‘functioning alcoholic’ holding down a high paying job with lots of responsibility. Looking back now, I can see that the company I worked for had MORE than it’s fair share of alcoholics right up to the President and owner of the company.

When I finally lost that job, it became harder to get and hold a job. I used up my severance pay and then all of my unemployment benefits and still was only working ‘temporary assignments’ when I could get my act together.

In January of ’79 (when I was 33 years old) my family told me NO MORE. They would no longer help me in any way. If I called they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be closed in my face and if I tried to steal from them they would call the police. It was MY PROBLEM and I had to deal with it, they could not.

Later after being in recovery for several years, my mother finally shared with me that had they not shut the door on me, they felt they were all going to end up, locked up in a padded cell in an institution.

Well with that pronouncement, my attitude was F you. I did a geographic and moved back to California. It took me another 2 and years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird.

I can tell you today that the BEST THING MY FAMILY ever did for me was to SHUT THE DOOR ON ME as they did.
I repeat ............... IT WAS THE THING MY FAMILY EVER DID FOR ME. They stopped 'enabling' me. They stopped paying for doctors, lawyers, bailing me out of jail, etc

Mom said later many times, that yes it hurt, but it hurt less than watching me slowly die in front of them.

I have been sober and clean over 29+ years now and in Alanon, practicing that program also for over 26 years.

Sweetie, I do understand from both sides of the coin.

Keep posting, read the 'stickys', other moms will be along to post, read some of Ann's posts current and past, there are many on here who have gotten through exactly what you are going through now.

We do care so very much, and even though we cannot be there to walk through this physically with you, we are there in spirit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-24-2010, 04:47 PM
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Why you cannot let him fall to his knees and perhaps get clean and embrace recovery.. I have no clue.

I offer no advice, all I can say is that your enabling is not helping him, it is hindering his chances of recovery.

Sometimes a mothers love can be crippling, he is an adult, wouldn't you like to give him a chance to become one?

Keep reading others posts, keep posting, it will help.
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Old 08-24-2010, 04:48 PM
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SORRY you are going through this....
BUT you know what to do.....

THE three C's(its always a good reminder at times)
1. YOU did not cause this
2. YOU can not control this
3. YOU can not cure this...
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Old 08-24-2010, 05:05 PM
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:ghug3 CHICORY!

Oh boy chicory, these are my memories too! I get where you are coming from and love for our children is so blind sometimes. I remember my son looking at me whilst on drugs like he wanted to kill me. Such a horrible experience when you cant get through to them.
I thought a bit about what I could say without having a long post for you. I got to the point (I put up with so much and let him do it) that I actually began to dislike him as a person. Saying that, I had to ask myself this -
Would I put up with this from anyone else and of course the answer was no, so I had to distance myself from that person.
I dealt with it like that - I decided that this person wasnt my son (full of drugs). I knew the other person, the son I took to swimming lessons and school, made birthday cakes for and I told him that when he decided he was going to be the son I know, I would be there for him as mum! So I kicked him out of our home. It was my worst nightmare, not knowing if he was safe, warm and fed but honestly, when I look back now, it was the best thing I actually did for him and me. Sure I got phone calls begging me to let him come home but I knew that I couldnt go back to furniture being smashed and abuse, so there were many no's. It did take some years, but these days he has turned out to be that son I know.
Know that we are with you in this, its heart wrenching, but we understand.
JJ
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Old 08-24-2010, 05:11 PM
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Sometimes we have to put ourselves first, determine what we need in
our life and home and then make it happen. Having a serene home is paramount.

Offering the door or treatment and having a treatment place lined up is an option.

I know it is sad and disturbing to witness you son addicted.
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Old 08-24-2010, 05:28 PM
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Thank you , for responding. I do feel the caring from you guys. I feel really badly for posting something that is all about "what not to do" as a parent of an adult child who would use and drink , as it becomes possible.

He has a warrant out for his arrest, due to unpaid fines. someone gave him a pipe of pot for his birthday, when he was living in his car , in a college town. they fine you 500$ for even having one cig of pot. in that town. He had no money, did not buy pot or sell it. heck, he could not even buy anything. I tried not to help him, as I had put him out of my home, due to his being an out of control drunk. punching walls, and screaming, etc. he had no money for the fines, and he would go to jail if they came to take him out of my house. I dont think that is where he belongs, or I'd call them . He is disturbed and troubled, and i feel he is on an edge.

maybe that is where he needs to be, to want to live differently. He has always been an isolated person, staying in his room on the computer, no matter what else was going on. I wish i had not let him, but he has always been the kind of kid who argues with you, and as a single mom, he out-argued me. I gave up, to keep my sanity. he has had friends, but he would live on /with them, until they moved away. they never could reach him either. he always feels that they should treat him as he would do them.

I want more than anything for him to be a man, and do for his self. believe me, i want his happiness more than my own life. i'd trade it for his happiness. i have lived a long time, and messed up most of my life. he has not had any of the good things in life. it makes me sad. i dont think he is capable, really. he cannot seem to function, in a daily job, where he has to think about his job. he is so distracted by his computer -life.

I feel he has a mental issue, i have said before. but how can you make someone who refuses to even consider that, get any help? how will he ever want to? I dont think he will. would he not have shown some sort of normalcy in his life, at some point? he always loved dungeons and dragons, computer games, and pot and beer.
anything to escape from this world.

yes, he is a manipulator, to the max. he lies, and i feel he will steal next. if he goes bonkers , i will have no choice but to put him out. it is a rental that i live in, and will not let him destroy anything here.

I am sorry , for this stupid sounding , complaint filled post. I really do want things to be better. I just am feeling so stuck.
I will read the posts you suggested, thank you so much.
hugs,
chicory
p.s. i knew this was coming. that is why i am here.
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Old 08-24-2010, 05:33 PM
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I have to agree with Laurie,,he does not have the survival skills of a 2 year old. You haave offered him help..won't take it. Is he getting better under your care? No, becuase you are not a treatment center. I never wanted to kick my kid out, but i did for a couple of reasons..one..so she could feel what a life of addiction really is like. You will be hungry, dirty, lose your friends, your job, waste all your money, catch diseases, etc. Two, I didn't need to have a front row seat to the destruction and deserved some peace. I can say that as of right now, she is saying she's sick of it and is in rehab. She was homeless for 8 months and progresed to shooting heroin. VERY hard to have lived with. But, you have no control over him now and he's not getting better, maybe the kindest thing you could ever do is let him fully be a MAN instead of a child. Maybe you are getting there. Be gentle with yourself.
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Old 08-24-2010, 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
i dont think he is capable, really. he cannot seem to function, in a daily job, where he has to think about his job.
And that, my dear, is exactly what he wants you to continue believing because it serves him well. You are there to provide for him.

I completely understand being a single parent, and having kids that plum wear you down, and you give in because you just don't have the energy to do otherwise.

However, continuing to make decisions based on guilt of the past, and fear of the future will never serve either of you in a healthy manner.

We do the best that we can at the time while raising our kids.

God's forgiven me for the mistakes I've made in the past in parenting, so I'm sure not going to keep beating on myself years later.

He's forgiven you too, Chicory. Put down the big stick and toss the guilt in the garbage.
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Old 08-24-2010, 06:06 PM
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Chickory, you are dealing with an addict (drugs, alcohol) Im not sure. You cant control his behaviour and he will keep on with this whilst you let him in your home. I thought my son had mental issues too, wow, did I. The drugs and alcohol create this behaviour, along with a whole lot of other issues aswell like depression, anxiety etc etc. Impossible to live with, for me anyways.
You say, he cant do this on his own, not capable (thats what I thought because my son was such a mess). AT least give him the chance to prove it and want it, that may be your gift to him. It could take along time for him to want it that bad, it may take him a short time but you will never know as long as he had that warm bed and mum to take care of him. I thought I was just being a caring mother, making sure my son was safe but to be honest, I hate to think what he was doing when he wasnt home. I couldnt protect him 24hrs of the day.... See, we only know what we see and dont know the other half of it. Thank god.
JJ
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Old 08-24-2010, 06:09 PM
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Thanks hon,

I am brought to fresh tears, with each post from all of you. thank you for being her for me. I am trying to imagine, a time down the road,when we might celebrate together, me doing the things that work.
I thiink I am going to go get codependent no more- do you think that is good reading for my case? i read it years ago,being an ACOA.
i know i have had my own issues- i'd like to share sometime. i have been trudging through life, when i'd like to be gliding sometimes.
hugs
chicory
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Old 08-24-2010, 06:12 PM
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Hang in there chicory. Big hugs.
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Old 08-24-2010, 06:16 PM
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yes, codie no more is great in this case! do u have alanon meetings where u r? that has been the most helpful thing for me..in any case, working on yourself is the best thing you can do..being a healthy person with boundaries can only be a good example for your son.
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Old 08-24-2010, 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted by justjo View Post
). AT least give him the chance to prove it and want it, that may be your gift to him.
JJ
I pray and pray, and wonder why my prayers go unanswered. I pray for strenght, and wisdom , but dont get any smarter.

perhaps God sent me here. The words of experience have a lot of weight. And the compassion is sorely needed. I appreciate the help from every one, for this load is getting so heavy, and I feel like i am walking blind in a fog.

I will be doing my best. and i know that is not good enough, so i will be calling on you for help, if that is ok. i need it. i am truly very much alone in dealing with this. cant blame his sisters, his friends, or even his dad-
thanks justjo-
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Old 08-24-2010, 06:27 PM
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(((((((((((((aw, sweetie!)))))))))))))))))))))

To, answer your question...yes to Codie no More

I have to agree that being down on yourself only brings you more pain.
You are a loving mother, if you weren't you wouldn't be here
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Old 08-24-2010, 06:38 PM
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Why one becomes an addict and another doesn't still is the 64,000 question. My mother is an alcoholic has been for 65 years, my childhood was pure hell, however, I am not an addict or alcoholic, why? I have no clue, all I can say is that I made the choice to not follow in her footsteps. I had to forge my own way, with no help, no enabling, no nothing. I did it, and, it wasn't easy.

My point is that I did not expect anyone to save me, to make me right, I knew from early on that it was totally up to me.

Maybe its time for him to stand up and be counted, to finally be given the chance to find his own way. You are cheating him of his divine right, to be a responsible adult. He can take care of himself, if that is what he wants to do, however, if you keep changing his diapers it will never happen.

I know you love him, sit back and think this through, what has gotten better with all your enabling, my guess would be...nothing....and,as nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or it gets worse.

All said with caring concern.
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Old 08-24-2010, 06:50 PM
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I hope this is okay. I am going to post another members words. This post resonated with me. It is still rolling around in my head. I keep asking myself this question. (I have not read the book mentioned, yet)

This was posted on 8-19-10 by FormerDoormat on another thread:
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Fear was a great immobilizer for me. A book that helped me overcome many of the fears that held me hostage was "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker.
I have been asking myself, what would I do if I wasn't afraid.
I don't want to make anymore decisions based on fear.
Progress, not perfection.
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Old 08-24-2010, 07:11 PM
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Chickory, you dont have to get any smarter and you are doing your best, today, right now. I really, know how you are feeling right now, it is horrible.
When I realized that my feelings were hurt because my son wasnt living the life I expected and he wasnt treating me the way that I expected - this is when I knew it was out of my control.
I could only put up with so much from a person I didnt even know. It was the only way I could detach (from my son and the monster). Maybe try thinking visualizing your son as a person you dont even know, it will be easier to say NO thanks, I wont except this anymore. I had to separate my emotions and the fact I had given birth to this monster. I had to be patient and have the 'faith' to hope that my son would come back some day. Very painful, very frightening but I had to believe that the son I knew, had the strength to pull himself up without my hands. Your son can do it, if he really wants it. He will respect you for giving him that strength as he becomes the man who builds his own future.
JJ
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