tjp613

My sister and I are 7 years apart (we are now 52 and 59). We are nothing alike and have never really been what you'd call "close". I think she's always kind of had hurt feelings because of that, but I've just never trusted her enough to get close to her. She's a huge gossip and I just don't like that in people. I also think she was very jealous of my close relationship with my mother, and was always doing, doing, doing for her in order to get her approval (which she always had!).

Long story short, I've been slowly detaching over the last 3-4 years, most especially so after my mother died and the estate settled. After all these years of mistrusting her, I really just wanted to move on and severely limit contact.

She is obviously sensing this.

I received an email from her 30 year old daughter just BLASTING me for every perceived misdeed and fault, as well as the whole "how could you treat my mother this way all these years when all she has done is try to be NICE to you?" It was by far the most hurtful letter I have ever read. I have NO idea what triggered it but I can only imagine. This, for me, simply nailed my decision to detach once and for all, but the pain is hard to shake. (It's been a week.) I forwarded the email to my sister and simply said, "Do not ever contact me again."

It's like i'm questioning everything I thought I was/am. Is my niece right that I am the bitch from hell and I just don't see it? Just because I wanted distance between my sister and I? I've never trusted her! I think she is fake and gossipy! I have a right to maintain my distance if I choose to, don't i?

I'm so hurt and confused.

Live

hmmmmmmmmmmm

I HATE those kinds of letters! I have several times gone no contact with family members, but for a limited time.

Have you ever told her directly and honestly why you don't feel comfortable with her?

Y'know,,,,that say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it meanly?

I LIKE you!

tjp613

No, I haven't...this is not a person who handles confrontation well...and apparently neither am I! I am sorry, but I just don't care enough to try to settle things with her so it never occurred to me to just 'be honest'. I'd rather have my hair set on fire.

Live

LOL....guess you have taken care of it then.

have an appmt ....so in a rush

please don't internalize others hatefulness...it is only a poor reflection on them!

FarawayFromCars

You are not the b*tch from hell...your niece is using manipulation and guilt to try to get you to do things in ways that are comfortable for them. I completely understand how you feel; I am currently going through the same thing with my family--I am detaching from my alcoholic sister and enabling parents--and my parents (particularly my mother) are not okay with that. They are trying everything to get me to dive back into the chaos. I'm saying "no" by not taking calls, emails, or letters, and not contacting them. It is difficult, I know....my therapist explained it to me this way--detaching from an unhealthy situation is good for you, but for the other person, it can send them into a rage, panic, etc. because that means they will have to start looking at themselves. Sending you hugs!

coyote21

Sounds like your sister taught her daughter well. Dysfunction is passed down through generations.

In my axw's family, the dysfunction is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I believe there is some of it in most families, including mine, but I believe it is a matter of degree. They stick together and circle the wagons when ever one of their clan screws up.

IMO, honesty is wasted on them. This I know from experience. Oh, I'm still honest with them, but I am honest for ME. It never made any difference in dealing with them.

I come from a very small family, my 80yo dad is my only living blood relative and I will never speak to him again. All he ever did wrong was to haul ass when I was 2 and only see me a hand full of times my whole growing up years. But he is an alcoholic, and sick and toxic, and eff him.

Luckily, I don't share most of societies belief that "some how family is special", and we should put up with crap from them just because "they're family".

Now you gotta ask your self, "Who you gonna believe, them or us"?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Pelican

I also don't subscribe to the belief that: "I am obligated to maintain contact with blood relatives".

I have two siblings, one aunt and one uncle still living.

I speak to my brother once a year, maybe 20 minutes and we're both cool with that. There are no expectations, resentments, guilt. Just respect.

My sister is opposite. Must stay in contact and loves to tell me how my brother never returns her calls. She throws around guilt and manipulation and instigation with every call. I just let those toxic words fall where the may and change the subject.

The aunt and uncle, I don't have contact with anymore. The uncle whines and complains like an alcoholic (does not drink) about how unfair life has been. He suffers from terminal uniqueness.
From the other side of the family is an aunt.
The aunt rides any radical train that pulls through her station. She will flood my e-mail with every radical cause and all sorts of extreme political heresay, yuck.

Life is too precious to fill it with toxic people.
We may have been born of the same ancestors, but our choices as adults have lead us down different paths. I am happy with letting them travel their own journeys.

fourmaggie

Dysfunction: Is it not grand??...It drives everyone in the family crazy....all I know is I am me...and god willing...trying to be healthy and the best person I can be for ME!! no one else....CHANGE is so hard for people...so hard...that they do not know how to handle it...

tjp613

Thank you all SOOOOOOOO much for the kind support.

I remember a LONG time ago hearing (probably on Oprah...or Dear Abby..LOL) that we should extract those people from our lives that, after having a visit with them, dont make our day brighter, only darker. We should keep those close who make our hearts light and happy for having spent time with them. And that's how I choose my friends. It has served me very well. I have one sister (both parents dead) and I don't happen to like her very much. You can choose your friends, but not your neighbors or family. Just 'cause she's my family doens't mean I have to put up with her BS.

This really hit home, Farawayfromcars:
Yeah!! Exactly!! My sister has always had a low opinion of me because I didn't live my life the way she did. She is a compulsive gift-and-card giver....for every little occasion and then resents me because I don't do the same (as an example). Uh, where is it written that I'm a bad person because I don't send her kids a St. Patrick's Day card?? Just because she's been with the same guy since she was 16, does that mean I should not divorce my abusive husband who screams obscenities at me in front of my 4 year old kid? For that I have been accused of "abandoning my children" and now my "son is a wreck" because of it. (We had 50/50 custody in the early years.)

God help me through this!!! I know I'm not crazy!!! I know I'm not!! So why do I feel like I am?! Well, I know it's just raw nerves right now. In another month I'll be over it.

Thanks for all the help. You peeps are my kind of folk.

Live

SCREAM!!!!!
LOL

ah, my mom sent cards and expected them.
I don't do cards.
really young I did but I just quit.
So what?
I knew I wasn't going to comply so why listen to the absurdity over such a very small thing.
I am sure it isn't morally corrupt to eschew the hallmark industry!
and, oh yeah...if I had just baked bread at home my marriage would have thrived.
LMAO
that wasn't the oven he was messing with!!!
I just say to myself regarding them "you're not living in the real world"

on a more serious note...they probably want your compliance in ordedr to validate their own lifestyles...and that is just insecure and screwed up
I think you are far more authentic.

I read somewhere this "give them a clue by four"
that has been cracking me up ever since!

tjp613

Thank you for using that particular word, "authentic," because that's exactly what I'm working toward in my life. I appreciate your input today, Live. (((Hugs)))

Live

well my favorite remark was clue X 4
ROFLMAO
and hey I just decided a couple of weeks ago to have nothing to do with my sis.'
She is a power and control junkie and went too, too far.
The straw that broke the camel's back..

decent people do not foam at others in cowardly letters.

TakingCharge999

I have noticed when I start looking after myself MANY PEOPLE not only some family members, don't like it, and show it to you. Lately I've been called selfish more often and I like that word because applied to me it is HUGE CHANGE. Keep moving forward!

kudzujean

Yes, you do have the right to limit contact, or to have no contact at all.

I too have a niece who used to send me ugly emails. We didn't have any contact at all for years. We are now having some contact but not much.

I suspect your sister was behind the niece sending that ugly email. If so, that was a very passive-aggressive thing to do.

These days, the minute an email turns ugly, I stop reading it.

We don't HAVE to be close and maintain contact with any of our relatives. We don't have to love somebody just because we share some of the same DNA.

tjp613

Kudzu - "passive-aggressive" is her middle name!!

fourmaggie

I agree with you on this one...for me, its my dad....I was talking to my mom about treating myself to get my nails&feet done...My dad says" you always treat yourself, dont you think its enough?" I looked at my mom and said "hell no!! I am soooo worth it in every single WAY" and then giggled....here! here! my mom says....I dunno...he treats himself to bigger items..snowmobile, ATV....so whats the big deal....I dont have a debt is all....LOL! HE DOES!! FAMILY.....

tjp613

I may have been "selfish" in my life, but that is not the same thing as "unkind". I have to keep this in mind.

Live

I have noticed that usually the person who accuses me of being selfish...has selfish motives for doing so! LOL!!!!

keepinon

family!

Callie

TJP - move on. You're better than that. I KNOW you are. Let your sis and her dd fend for themselves. Do the best and most honorable thing that you can do right now. Let them fester in their own misery. They can accompany eachother. My mom's sis is like that. She's got her kids trained well too. They are like coon dogs. They can sniff out the $$ wherever they go. Don't confuse $$ with real human feelings/obligations like they do.