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Do you parent differently now?

Old 08-24-2010, 10:50 AM
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Do you parent differently now?

I'm finding that not only was I exacerbating my codependent ways upon my AH, but also my teenage daughter. She just started junior year and the last two years have been horrible. I would check her grades daily (well she was failing!), I would be HOSTILE toward her because I knew she had it in her to do better in her classes, summer school was the same, trying to get it into her thick head if she just did the daily homework the scores on test wouldn't crater her whole grade. Then I started reading Codependent No More, and I have found I have really done a number on my daughter. I would check if she was awake multiple times, drive her to the bus (becuase she wouldn't get there on time if she walked), checked her grades, worked with her teachers, "rescued" her a few times when she didn't meet deadlines. This year? I LET GO....I know it's only Day 2 of her school, but she has gotten up on her own both days and walked to the school bus, all the while I was still in bed because I don't have to help my 10 year old until later. I am in HEAVEN! I hope I have the strength to not overly interfere and just let it ride. I will support her, ask her if there's anything that she needs for school, etc. but I have to let it go. It's hard because it's a private college prep high school, and I need to come to terms with what I EXPECT her to do with her life, and the actual decisions she makes. I have let go of the fact that she will likely not attend a big university upon graduation and it's OK if she goes to community college the first two years and gets great grades (as she matures) and then goes on IF that is what SHE wants to do. So I'm doing my best to parent positively and not get sucked into the whole I need to run her life otherwise she will fail mode. Wish me luck! I will need it!
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Old 08-24-2010, 11:47 AM
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Yes. Lessons I have learned like detaching and allowing others the dignity of making their own choices translates very well to teenagers. I have also learned the value of letting go. I'm much less stressed out than I would have been otherwise. I've said this many times, I'll offer a hand up but not a hand out. My kids have also learned first hand that people who treat me poorly will be removed from my life.
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Old 08-24-2010, 11:50 AM
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Ya' know I'm not sure if you are aware Joslyn-

But your first post was on the 13th of this month. And I know because it's title This Is My First Post and it dated August 13 2010. No secret there.

But literally a week and half later you have learned more than I did in about 5 YEARS!

Unbelievable!

Wish me luck! I will need it!
I don't think you need luck at all. You've got your sh*t together.

Keep posting
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Old 08-24-2010, 03:28 PM
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I have an ADD daughter going into 5th grade tomorrow and this is something I struggle with. She is very defiant and strong willed so I don't always know when she forgets her homework, doesn't write something in her assignment book, etc. whether or not it is ADD or just her personality. I think I have decided that I will no longer run her back to school if she forgets her homework this year. She will just have to miss recess even though that is hard on an ADD kid and may be more punishment for her teacher than for her. I am still struggling in my mind on how I want to address issues like this for the upcoming school year. Ideas?
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Old 08-24-2010, 05:27 PM
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Purplesquirrel: YES, I have ADD, and I was that scatterbrained kid who couldn't remember everything or complete anything. I had a wise teacher in 7th grade who arranged with my dad that if I did not finish my homework, I had to stay after school or miss free period and do it in her classroom. My grade went from a 60something to a90something in a matter of weeks. At first I resented it, but I felt much better when I looked at my report card.

As far as remembering to bring things, though, at age 41 I still struggle with that. In grammar school I was simply incapable of doing it, and needed help and a break. I don't think you using a checklist in the morning to remind her of things she needs to have with her is enabling.

My daughter has many of the same problems. She told me today that her new teacher checks everyone's planner before they leave, and I silently looked up to the sky and said, "THANKS!"

When I didn't tell my dad about my assignments or what I forgot, it was mostly out of shame, not stubbornness. But I had to be an adult to be able to have that level of understanding about myself. Good luck to you and your daughter both.
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