Lost in my life
 

My H and I have been married for just under 2 years. He has always been a drinker but I thought that would end when he graduated college and moved out of the "boys" house. It hasn't it has just changed. As his buddies have "grown up" and had kids they have stopped drinking as a rule. When we get together they have a few drinks but H doesn't know when to quite. Its like to is missing that switch in his head that says I have had way to much to drink I should stop now. He is even drinking on weeknights by himself, and not just one or two drinks but getting hammered. On weekends if we don't have plans, he "tele-drinks" According to him if he is talking to one of his friends on the phone, its not drinking alone. When we fight he makes me feel as if I am in the wrong. I am no fun, I am over reacting, I need to loosen up. I used to enjoy going out with our friends but it has become me always having to drag him home, so I cant even have fun anymore. What if I walk and it sets him deeper. i have threatened it and things change for a little bit but we are always back to square one. The amount of stupid things he has done while drunk is unbelievable. Now he keeps telling me he will quit when we have kids but I cannot risk bringing a kid into this. So round and round we go.

I read somewhere that I shouldn't leave, shouldn't fight, shouldn't help him. I should let him make a fool of himself, and me and let him figure it out for himself. I don't know if I can take that back seat. I don't know if its the right thing to do. And if I walk, do I have to wait for the next stupid thing he does or do I just leave? Just looking for a little advice from some people that have been through this. i don't have any family or friends that can relate and its always so easy for them to look inside and come up with the "right" answer which according to my sister is always divorce.

Thanks

Hi Megs,

Welcome

This is a good place to be. There is a ton of good information here and there will be great people along shortly to help you find your answers.

You are not alone. Keep reading and posting.

:grouphug:

AL ANON? do you go? dont get lost in his diease...FIND A AL ANON meeting and start going...its up to you what you want to do...but AL ANON will help you with tools, slogans...and the how too's and not too's....its a good program....

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I also recommend reading in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. Some of our stories are there, and lots of wisdom.

I am also sending you a link with steps that have helped us:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

You guys are us, a few short years ago. EXACTLY. Weekend warrior with the guys, just couldn't quit until he was well hammered and I'd drag his butt home. And sometimes that's not easy considering he's bigger than I am. I'd feel embarrassed a lot when our friends would comment about how drunk he'd get, and soon lost my enjoyment to go out and feel anxiety starting mid-week if we were invited to a party or something. Weekends he started to drink alone when there wasn't anything to do, and we did get pregnant so he stayed home more and squirrelled off to the basement. Sometimes when we were out at something boring like a terrific dinner with close friends, or when he got bored enough at home, he'd start making his 'party' calls, looking for something more exciting like an after hours where he could dance and basically get obliterated.

Slowly these things really started to bother me and I started to talk about it. Yup, I'm overreacting, I've changed, I'm not fun anymore, what happened to you you used to be so spontaneous. HELLO, I grew up! Once you learn about alcoholism, you will find this a very typical attitude from them. If they blame you, then they can avoid blaming themselves.

We had the same conversations about kids, and all other sorts of nagging, begging, reasoning etc. Finally he tried an outpatient program for controlled drinking, didn't do much except slow things down a bit. And in the meantime I did get pregnant. Please don't think for a second that having a child will change things. It's not like I thought it would turn all roses; on some level I knew that people only change when they're ready, but I thought it would nudge him in the right direction. Although he stayed home more, he drank at home, so that didn't really solve anything. And then I think a newborn created even more issues - difficult to cope with parenthood and it propelled him to keep drinking and going out and then I was left to care for our daughter myself many nights when he was out or otherwise incapable. One night both me and the baby got a gastro and I was up all night trying to care for a vomiting, screaming baby, while I was hugging the toilet myself and could barely get off the ground. He was passed out cold and only woke at 5am to chaos; me screaming hoarse at him to wake up to help.

In those early days I thought our dynamic was only ours, part of our relationship. I was on the merry go round for years while the issues insidiously infiltrated our relationship. Someone mentioned Al Anon and it was another year before I walked through the doors. I thought he's not really an alcoholic, his is problem drinking and we could figure it out. And then one day I was with friends, and when I came home with the baby at 7:30 on a Tuesday night and he was wasted (he was usually only a weekend warrior) and my friend was with me, I'd had enough. I found Al Anon and it changed everything.

Please try it. I wish I had realized how Al anon could have helped me back then; may have saved me additional years of grief of our horrible cycle. It is better to let them fall than to save them as you ask - if he doesn't feel his own consequences of his drinking, then he'll never have reason to change his behaviour. In the end, I was no longer going out with him and if whatever happened would happen. In the end he'd have to be the one to face up to his stupid behaviour and make apologies. And you have to get better, so that leaving him to his devices doesn't feel wrong, but right.

Thank you so much for your response. I have found an Al Anon group that meets tomorrow night. I don't know why but I am nervous to go but small steps I guess. I think that's all I can handle for now.

great. let's us know how it goes.

naive

Yes, let us know. Although scary, I found immediate kinship with people at Al Anon because I heard things that mirrored my relationship and it broke my whole concept that it was just me and him and our relationship. It was a thing called alcoholism, and it follows such a similar path for both the alcoholic and those who love them. It was like stepping out of a cave and into the light, a huge realization. With that came a bit of a panic (we're not unique, we're like everyone else struggling with addiction and I've lived so many years in the dark) but also relief for the exact same reasons.

borrowed this quote from Bernadette (thanks)

:welcome

Welcome, you have come to a wonderful place. And you are smart to go to Al-Anon right away. Not a moment of precious life to lose. Best to you.

:c011: