What’s the next step?
 

I decided to start a new post because it came up in my other one and it’s been on my mind a lot. To put it bluntly what’s next?

I left my AH because he didn't think he had a problem and I couldn't sit around and watch anymore, it hurt me too much. I told him I was staying with my dad until he decided what he wanted Alcohol or me. It's been two weeks and it seems like he's working toward recovery, went on a leave of absence from his job, then to detox and started an outpatient program. But I know this isn’t going to be over quickly.

Communication is shaky between us and I certainly don’t have any trust in what he says. The problem is I can only stay at my dad’s house for so long. I’m paying all the bills at our apartment right now and that’s certainly not going to fly for much longer. At some point I’m either going to have to move back in with him, kick him out or we are going to have to permanently separate and both find new places to live.

I just can’t figure out how and when to move to that next step. Originally I was thinking grounds for me going back need to be that he was sober, in treatment daily (either outpatient or AA) and us in couple’s therapy. But I can’t stop second guessing if this is just me continuing to try to control his behavior. And if that’s the case than what is the next step?? So confused

If you want to make the stipulation that he must be sober and attending daily therapy/AA, then what will your recovery look like?

You recognized that your setting boundaries on his recovery may be codependent behavior, therefore, what steps should you be required to take before committing to the relationship?

I have learned that boundaries are limits on what I will accept.
I do not want to be around someone that drinks everyday. They can still drink everyday - but I choose to not be around them.
I will not accept a ride with anyone that has been drinking. They can still drink and drive their own car (I might be the one to call the cops) but I will not put my life at risk by getting in the car with them.
I want to spend my spare time with people that treat me with respect. Others can be disrespectful, deceitful, manipulative, etc.; but I choose not to be around that behavior.
I don't mind being around sober alcoholics.
I prefer to be around recovering alcoholics.
I am not going to decide how an alcohoic's recovery should look.

We each must choose our path.

About the above,
One of my Alanon peeps had to slow my brain down when I was overwhelmed with options. I was trying to decide my career, marriage and living arrangements all at once.
My peep asked me this:
"Do you need to have all the answers by 3 p.m. today?"
I had to reply: "No"
The lesson is: give yourself the time you need to make these important decisions.

And this Alanon jewel:
Be patient, more will be revealed.

Pelican....such wise words of wisdom! As I struggled with ending my relationship with my ABF, I mulled over with whether to leave him or not, where to live if I did leave, and how my career would be impacted. Too many choices to make, too many options to consider.

I felt overwhelmed and was on the verge of DOING NOTHING out of anxiety and fear!

Instead, I made small goals for every week, while making time for rest, exercise and good nutrition. Since then, I feel more in control of my life.

This is a major decision, take your time, keep posting!

Thanks everyone I know for sure that I cannot and will not live with an alcoholic. Recovering yes but not one that's drinking. I'm young and want kids and a family and I won't let that happen as long as my AH is drinking.

It's funny I left work yesterday after posting this got on the train and started reading the Codependency chapter on detachment. It talks a lot about obsessing over a person, which I've done. But in addition it looks at it from the view point of obsessing over a problem, which is exactly what I was doing.

It also reminded me of another wonderful book I read once called The Wisdom of Yoga. I won't do it justice but part of the book talks about the inner workings of the mind. There's the monkey mind that runs around from tree to tree, topic to topic and can't stop the constant mental chatter that goes on inside. Then there's the habitual patterning that's created by our human tendencies. For example if we tell ourselves we hate beets than that thread of thinking becomes like a groove in our brain and every time our hatred for beets comes up that groove gets deeper and deeper. Making it really hard for us to "jump" out of the moat and start a new way of thinking about things.

That's just a simple example but clearly there's a lot of ways it can be correlated to life with our A's. Think I need to make a conscious effort to get back to my meditation practice and quiet down that monkey of mine so I can start jumping out of moats.

:c011: