Kassie2

This may seem like a dumb question but how are those of you who have moved forward onto a new relationship do it?

It finally sunk in this a.m. that in all the reading here, many of you have been able to move forward from your situation and date, get involved and re-experience interest in another person.

I have a resilient person most of life until being married to an A. I am not a relationship jumper but I have usually found my desire and interest regroup and move on at some point. But this time I feel done with relationships in general. I have no desire to be around or tolerate another man (and they were usually my best friends). I used to believe in love and find myself thinking that I am full of c**p. I have the worst view of relationships ever and can't support anyone else having one though I hear that there are good ones out there somewhere.

So for those of you have been able to do this, to regroup and have positive feelings again - how did you get there?

summer017

oh man, i am with you on this one. i'm facing a recent break up with my addict and the thought of someone new? ehh, not really interesting me! maybe we just have to believe that when it is the right time and the right person, we will know it. least, that's what i'm hoping for


time will tell.. keep movin
xoxo

fourmaggie

well, I posted this question (sort of ) in my blog....it is about the same...but yet its not....

still learning in this department...all i know is....I AM ME...and I am in recovery...and I have faith (now) that what ever my higher power has for me...he will send THEM to me...Dating or Mr.RIGHT(<that is right for ME!)

Summerpeach

I've only recently thought about this.
When my relationship ended with my other ex close to 6 yrs ago, I never thought I would date again.
I had been cheated on 2 x before and thought I would never trust again.
Then I met this recent ex and didn't want a relationship (I was scared) so him and I were only friends for months. Then I trusted him. thought he was a good person and I slowly gave into my feelings. Though the entire time I stayed emotionally far away
It was tough and too soon I think. And he cheated.....
And I could have sworn on MY LIFE he was not going to be a guy that cheated!

I think as you get older and the more you've been burnt, the harder it is to trust.
Not sure if I'll ever trust anyone ever again, but I know once I recover and realize not everyone is bad, I will love again. I have a lot of love to give and still have dreams I want to see happen.

I may start dating men over 80 only :-)

posiesperson

LOL, Summerpeach--over 80 year olds, huh?

I don't know how to answer this either. I feel like I'll have a companion by my side again, but I'm not ready. I don't think I would know how to do it w/o losing myself again...yet. I hope that someday I will be able to do that, but I want taking care of myself to be more of a reflex first, not something I have to work so hard on keeping in the forefront. I'm better, but I think I'd still feel vulnerable to someone else's strong focus on themselves.

And then again, if I don't get involved again I guess it's for the best. I'm great company for myself!

posie

isurvived

Two years past my divorce and I still haven't formed any new romantic relationship. I'm not looking, but if someone comes along WOW, he'd have to pass the long list of tests I've conjured up in my heart. NEVER again will I put myself through a relationship with anyone who has or HAS HAD an addiction with alcohol or drugs. Life is too short.

DesertEyes

Slowly

That's the way I reacted too. The first thing I learned in alanon is that _I_ had a part in the reason why my marriage fell apart. So I jumped into recovery full time. Lots of meetings. Went thru the steps with a good sponsor. Sponsored a couple guys. Read _every_ book alanon puts out.

I thought that I could never trust a woman again, but after a deep "inventory" I realized that the truth is that I didn't trust _me_ to protect myself from harmful situations. I was much too willing to give up my boundaries in exchange for a little soothing of my low self-esteem. Once I became aware of that "character defect" I was able to find healthier actions and be compassionate and understanding towards _me_.

Before I was too far into that process I tried dating a charming young alanoid. I wasn't quite done fixing my own issues, so that relationship was a bit erratic. Much better than with my ex, but still not solid. Today we are very good friends, and keep in touch a couple times a year.

A little after that I started dating another alanoid, and did even better. She had her "feces amalgamated" way better than me, so that relationship didn't last either. However, the deep friendship between us remains and I see her and her new hubby whenever they swing thru town.

Now I am dating an addict that's been solid into recovery for 23 years. Unlike the previous two ladies who were further ahead than me, my current g/f and I are both at much the same "level" in our relationship skills. We have a few issues we're working on, and we're both growing and learning how to be better partners to each other and better caretakers of ourselves.

I used to think people would find a soul-mate and live happily ever after. My ex was definitely my soul mate in every sense of the word. We did have a fairy tale marriage, it just didn't last ever after. Only until she got addicted to pills and I enabled her in that.

My current g/f is also a soul mate to me, but in different ways than my ex. I have discovered that I am not so unique as to only have one perfect match in a world with 3 billion women I have also learned that I don't need a fairy tale relationship that will last for ever. I can be wonderfully happy with a normal relationship that lasts one day at a time.

Today I believe that love, relationships, fairy tales and soul-mate are all real and do happen. But only if I am willing to do the hard work of growing as a person and maintaining my recovery.

All of which is the long-winded way of saying my head was full of c**p and alanon helped clear it out

Mike

Summerpeach

The bolded just hit me like a 2 x 4 !
Yes, when I trust me, I can trust again. I never took the time to trust my own self.

JenT1968

absolutely, SP: hit me between the eyes too!

I don't trust me to be discerning and protective of myself and to make wise choices. Given my past - I think that right now that is an honest and accurate appraisal of my current abilities. Until I feel I have done enough personal work to change that, I have no desire to get back in that saddle (so to speak ;-)).

I know that if I date right now, I could very quickly become enmeshed in something I don't have the skills to deal with and be right back where I was.

I am not planning a life devoid of human relationships, but I am enjoying life as it is right now and trying to concentrate on spreading my wings by establishing and nuturing good friendships of varying levels (which I have neglected in the last decade), this is pushing me out of my comfort zone as much as I feel happy with, and is bringing great rewards in terms of my self-esteem.

I am coming round to the idea that one day, I will probably want to explore possibilities for an intimate relationship (whereas a year ago the very idea that I might want to sometime in the future had me researching closed religious orders!).

we all progress at our own pace, and there is no "right" speed or time.

Live

take time to heal
when you meet people...ask yourself if you like them not according to whether they are all about you or need you etc
don't think of the date as a beginning of a relationship...just a chance to be friendly and lighthearted and sharing some fun
if they don't call back, fine...that has just helpedefine who you want to spend time with
feel free to say no
feel free to say yes

it comes around in time

cagefree

How did I do it?

Courage, courage and more courage. Opening up to someone was terrifying in ways I have to stop and think of words to describe.

In the beginning, I was having nightmares about my new guy morphing into an axe murderer and strange dreams about my ex - my fears were screaming at me. Boundaries and communication worked great on my fears and being able to trust someone again.

It was great testing my new-found skills and I quickly came to love the new me-in-a-relationship side of myself.

When I wanted something, I opened my mouth and communicated it. If something felt uncomfortable, I spoke up. I gave myself permission to take what was going on in my head, and communicating that out loud. He loved that he never had to guess what I wanted and was pleasantly surprised to find himself dating someone who he knew meant what she said.

I took time for myself, time for chilling with my friends and time with him.

Being in recovery of my codie-ness I've found that my warped perception that I was screwed up and everyone else was fine was inaccurate. I believe most people are codependents and have their own personal addictions, be it to work, control, drugs, alcohol, food - you name it. I also believe that very few people take the uncomfortable journey of self discovery and change, instead choosing to live in the chaos they allow in their life.

I found out things about myself - like, I know I want someone with the balls to take that journey.

I found out what MY TYPE is I never knew myself well enough to know - I thought I knew, but it was essentially anyone that told me they loved me. My type is a mixture of rugged outdoorsy guy with corporate clean cut - like someone who works 9-5 for a living, but rides a Harley on the weekend.

My HP has a wicked sense of humor. After dating him for 6 months, his codie behaviors started to make themselves known. It was like my HP was saying - hey, this is what XABF got from you. I also think my HP also gave me this perspective to let me know that I could forgive myself for being a codependent and love ALL of me - even the parts that have codie tendencies, that I am whole and lovable. Without that, I would not be able to keep my codie parts in check.

While the new guy is no longer my boyfriend, I feel that while it lasted, it was healthy. I still run into him from time to time and it's not uncomfortable at all. I look forward to the next relationship as the last one helped me to believe in myself and have more confidence in that I can handle whatever my HP throws my way.

After all, my HP will give me what I need - even if (roll my eyes) it's not necessarily what I want at the time

FormerDoormat

Approximately a year after my boyfriend died, I joined an online dating service. I thought I was ready to date again, but I wasn't. I poo-pooed almost any man who showed an interest in me, but finally found one man who was interesting enough to meet for coffee. That led to dinner at his house (he was a terrific cook), followed by dinner at my house and a movie. But try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to kiss him. He tried to kiss me several times, but I turned my head and would only let him kiss me on the cheek.

After the third date, he gave up and I never heard from him again. And that was just fine with me. Since then, I've been asked out by several men, but I still have absolutely no interest in dating. At this point, I don't know if I ever will. I'm enjoying getting to know myself again and living a quiet, peaceful, predictable life. After the roller coaster ride of a lifetime, I cherish my serenity and time alone.

When it comes to relationships, I no longer believe in soul mates, love at first sight, fairy tales, prince charming, or happily ever afters. But I do believe in love, even though I don't choose to be in a relationship now.

When it comes to beginning a new relationship, I don't believe there is a timeline. Each person moves on at their own pace. And some of us happily choose to go it alone.

BuffaloGal

I wasn't trying, when it happened. Right now I'm happily on hiatus from romance, but I have had one post divorce (from aexh) relationship, and it was very healthy, for what it was. This man and I were never going to get married, but he poured love and acceptance on me at a time when I really needed it, for which I will always be grateful to him. We're still friends, and working out some post-breakup tension, but I continue to value his presence in my life very highly.

I got to the point of having positive feelings about relationships again by being absolutely, totally ready to do anything to not feel so bad anymore. I had hit my bottom. If what it took to stop the pain was to dance the Watusi up and down my street in the buff, I would have done it without a second thought. In practice, I realized that to heal myself I needed to make friends and interact with people. I threw myself into that goal with a singleminded zeal I had never experienced before or since. I wasn't thinking of dating in particular, but during that super social time, I met this man who was totally unlike my aexh.... the opposite of an alcoholic in general and my aexh specifically. He got drunk once, at age 15, it was traumatic, and he never did it again-- he's now 51. I never saw him consume more than 2 drinks in an evening in our 2 years together.

He does not lie, directly or by omission. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I think he has Asperger's; he seems not to understand presenting himself to be anything other than the person he truly is. He's terrifyingly intelligent and cheerfully eccentric, but what you see is what you get. His honesty helped me find my center again; I was astounded at how easily issues were addressed when nobody's main goal was to hide anything.

I wasn't done regrouping when I was dating this man; I was still grieving for my marriage during this relationship, and that caused some problems, but it was also okay, because we didn't hide from each other. Our issues were right out there in the open.

Funny, I'd never thought before about what I did to be ready to enter the dating world again. I guess, I just let myself be open to it and didn't carry any expectations about what it should and shouldn't be. It wasn't like a better version of my marriage and he wasn't an improved/nonalcoholic version of my husband. Our relationship was its own good thing.

URMYEVERYTHING

By looking at myself deeply and figuring out how I contributed to the toxic relationships. It was a process but eventually there is something that clicks and you get it. I can say, I love being in love with myself. Sounds kind of narcissistic but I like it.

nowinsituation

thought that I could never trust a woman again, but after a deep "inventory" I realized that the truth is that I didn't trust _me_ to protect myself from harmful situations. I was much too willing to give up my boundaries in exchange for a little soothing of my low self-esteem. Once I became aware of that "character defect" I was able to find healthier actions and be compassionate and understanding towards _me_.

Thank you Mike for this!!! And thank you Kassie for this thread...

I am in a serious "post-A" relationship. We have been together for over a year.... It is going well, but to say that is is A LOT of work is an understatement. There are several things, though, that are different from this relationship and my previous relationships:

• I tell him when I am scared, and when I am hurting,
  • He acknowledges my fear and pain (rather than telling me I shouldn't feel that way)
  • He doesn't deny or minimize any of his behaviours that hurt me
  • He makes amends and follows through
  • And he communicates with openly, honestly and directly
  • And I am not afraid to communicate with him openly, honestly, and directly

We have both made mistakes, we both have some deeply ingrained compulsive behaviours (character defects?) that have hurt the other. But for now we have been willing and able to work through things and the relationship has grown much stronger.

In all my prior relationships, I would be afraid to speak up when I was hurt.... and if I ever did my feelings were dismissed as "over-reactions" and I was told I shouldn't feel that way. I learned to pretend like everything was OK, so my partner would stay (or so that I would not have to face the fact that I was unhappy--and leave).

It's hard.... but it's so much better!

nodaybut2day

With a lot of honesty, transparency and courage.

I'm not dating an addict (unless you count his "addiction" to playing jazz music). He's got no experience with addiction or codependence. When it became clear that we were both interested in one another beyond the bounds of friendship, I laid it all out for him...recently separated, crazy alkie ex, toddler, living with parents, etc etc. Take it or leave it, I said. I promise nothing. And get educated about codependence if you want to know my struggles. And he did.

It was hard not to try to control the outcome or to hope for anything. But knowing my issues, I made myself hold steady and put myself plainly out there.

So far, it has yielded the most lovely, healthy and fulfilling relationship I have ever had since I started dating at 16.

I find it ironic that once I admitted to myself that I didn't want a relationship ever again, that I would be totally ok by myself, and once I started to rebuild my personal life and fill it with interesting activities and people, THAT's when my boyfriend "appeared".

Live

Nodaybuttoday!

Yes, I think you nailed it: honesty, courage and transparency.

Explaining the past addiction thing and my crazy codependency in it wasn't an important thing for me to go into much.

but, yeah..I wasn't trying to please or impress.
Being pleased within myself is enough...it is also attractive to others.

fourmaggie

And that is soooo true with it all, even what desert eyes said...but really this is what its all about...HEALING oneself...TALK ABOUT GETTING THAT!!