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Is it wrong to make an addict choose?

Old 08-22-2010, 12:43 AM
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Is it wrong to make an addict choose?

My exab were together for 4 years and just broke up a month ago. During that time we were mutual friends with a girl. We both knew her for a long long time. She was my childhood best friends and he was friends with her for the last 10 years.

During our relationship she would enable him to get drugs. Offering to drive him to get them when he was already too wasted and bringing them to the house. I felt that she was disrespecting me as she knew I did not support him doing drugs and also felt that she was hurting our relationship by enabling him as I would have to pick up the pieces after wards. I cut her out of my life 2 years ago but he continued to see her. He always punished me for cutting her out and always made me feel that I could not give him what he needed. He would say, 'well if you wont drive me to get more booze then she will'. She had her own issues in that she couldn't say no to him, but I always had the feeling that if I can say no why can't she?

It hurt our relationship as he would go over to her house at night and I would always get upset as I never knew how he would come back. Most of the time he would come back very drunk. It did get to the point where I was so fed up that I asked him to choose. He never did and I never followed through with my threat to leave.

So he is now in recovery and has been sober for almost 2 months. I still speak to him once a week or so as he has to get all his things out of my house and he has started saying that me cutting this girl out of her life caused him to drink and that i was such a B**ch for doing that.

I feel that I made the right choice in ending my friendship with her as she disrespected me and would say one thing to my face and then did the opposite behind my back and supported the person I love in hurting himself. This was not an easy thing for me either as I have known her 20 years and we were best friends all the way through school.

I'm thinking about the 'lessons learned' from our relationship now that it is over. Was I right to cut this girl out? Was I over reacting and being a b***ch? I realise now that his addiction was manipulating the situation to get what he wanted.... but of course I didn't know that at the time.
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Old 08-22-2010, 01:08 AM
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Erm he says that you cutting this girl from your lives caused him to drink, has he had a memory lapse? He was drinking way before the cut, and that was the reason you cut her out of your life as she was supplying him with drink and drugs.

I think you have been more than tolerant, him going to her place and staying all hours there.

No! I dont think you are a bitch, she is, she should have known better than to butt into your relationship like that.

Your BF is typical of an addict, blaming all his problems, and pushing the blame on the reason for his bad behaviour onto anyone else but himself.

I cant really advise on this but I can only tell you that I would have reacted with much less restraint than you did and threw him out when he kept having lengthy visits at this girls place and rocking back to you drunk.

As for your friend, well friend she is not, she should have respected your wishes and tried to help you through your problems instead of enouraging him like that.

I can understand how you feel let down by two important people in your life and now all of a sudden you are being made out to be the baddy.

I hope your bf continues with his rehab and stays sober, but I am afraid if it was me and I decided to let him come home again, that girl would never get over my doorstep again, and a condition of him coming back would be he never sees her again either.

Thats just my opinion hun,

*hugs

Suzie
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Old 08-22-2010, 01:17 AM
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Thank your support Suzie.

Yes he was drinking and taking drugs before I cut her out of my life, but according to him he only got worse because of the tense situation and he had to 'numb' himself.
Also at his mothers funeral 4 months ago he said that I made it harder as this girl came to the funeral and wake and it made it harder for him as we would be on opposite sides of the room.

'I can understand how you feel let down by two important people in your life and now all of a sudden you are being made out to be the baddy'

That is exactly how I felt and especially when he came out of rehab he ran to her and cut me out of his life.
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Old 08-22-2010, 01:56 AM
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Katie I cant help thinking that with you out of the picture she will no longer have the pleasure of scoring points and will probably lose interest in him rather quickly once your problems become hers, if you know what I mean.

Nothing I can say will make you feel better, but here at SR you will find real friends and sometimes it helps just to rant or put things down on paper.

I feel happier being able to discuss problems here when you know, no one will repeat/judge and everyone understands as we are all in the same boat.

I really hope you can get over him, you deserve a problem free life, with someone who puts you first.

He is not saying anything to indicate you are more important to him than this "friend". That is often the case as addicts sometimes resent the people who are trying to help them, as they just want to carry on drinking. Maybe when he has stayed clean for a while he will realise just how much you did for him.

Suzie x
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Old 08-22-2010, 02:44 AM
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hi katie-

just some feedback. i feel your behaviorwas totally merited and appropriate. it is not appropriate to get loaded with your friend's boyfriend. that is not how friends behave.

the issue here is not what he or she do, it is what you are willing to live with...your boundaries. there is no right or wrong really, it's 100% what you want and need in your significant relationship.

your xABF blaming you for his continued drinking is nonsense. all of us have uncomfortable situtations in life, we don't all run and get drunk in order to deal with them. an emotionally mature person would address the issue sober, and hopefully, a compromise could be met.

obviously, this did not happen (except perhaps on your end) and you took steps to sever a toxic relationship with your girlfriend.

reading between the lines, there is the subtle threat that in their drunken, stoned session that they might get together.

i feel you took the right steps to remove yourself from an unacceptable situation, in order to protect your boundaries.

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Old 08-22-2010, 03:10 AM
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Thankyou naive. My therapist recognized that I did set this boundary however his values were different to mine therefore he didn't support what I was doing.
It was a very difficult situation but I feel after all the help and support I gave him for 4 years he doesn't see what I did for him to keep him alive and our relationship alive.
He said that he has forgiven this girl for getting him drugs. He said that she knows she did the wrong thing and is sorry but my mother says that he won't be through his recovery until he gets angry at her for enabling him... Something I can't see happening anytime soon.
The other thing that hurts is that he said that he wasn't in love with me he thinks he was under the influence of the drugs and that was another reason why he drank as he wanted to end the relationship as I was too 'straight' for him and he drank to avoid breaking up with me.
I feel like I have invested so much and lost everything
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Old 08-22-2010, 03:50 AM
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hi katie-

alcoholics will use any and all excuses for their drinking. this is normal part of their denial.

the reality is that when we blow the cover on their alcohol abuse, we then get in the way of their first love...the drink!

i hope you aren't taking any of his gibberish personally. you got in the way of his partying. this has no reflection on you as a person.

i doesn't sound to me that he is truly in recovery if he is still blaming you. people in true recovery take ownership and responsibility for the damage done and take steps to make amends.

just keep working your own recovery, katie. keep the focus on you and what it is that you want in your life and in your relationships. it might be helpful to step all the way back from him and see what a bit of distance reveals to you.

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Old 08-22-2010, 04:26 AM
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Originally Posted by katie28 View Post
he has started saying that me cutting this girl out of her life caused him to drink and that i was such a B**ch for doing that.


way to take responsibility for your own actions!!

you had a problem with a friends behaviour and decided to distance yourself from her, which is entirely "healthy" behaviour, the whys and wherefores are not important (although FWIW, I would seriously reconsider calling someone a close friend, who behaved as she did, once knowing my pain over the situation, as well).

The reason that he drank and did drugs was that he wanted to. She was/is a convenient mule to facilitate that, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. and FWIW, my perspective is that her actions harmed your friendship with her, but not your relationship with your ex, that's on him. You didn't make him drink, she didn't make him drink, he made the decision and then found a way to get the job done. She may have saved him the odd drunken taxi ride, or having to call-around aquaintences, or paying for delivery or stockpiling and hiding, but nothing more.

I echo what naive has said, PLEASE don't take his words to heart, they have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with what he has to tell himself to absolve himself of responsibility.
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Old 08-22-2010, 05:00 AM
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Hon, I agree with all the above posts, and far from you being so hard on her and thus called a B**ch, I consider you extremely restrained and polite to them both. If that is a friend....Lord protect me from enemies.

Frankly, I would have nailed her hide to the chook house wall, and then started in on him, for being a disloyal and offensive jerk only interested in staying "wasted", and making my life unhappy.

He may be registered and attending a program, but his words do not sound like coming from recovery, in fact it all sounds like stinking thinking to me. Recovering folk accept responsibility, they don't dump all the blame on their SO's or others.
He may be clean and sober, but his behavior and words are all addiction motivated and the same garbage expected of the active A.

For your sake I hope he gets his gear and takes his blame game elsewhere, as all he will do for you is cause more upset.

Have you considered getting his gear together, and having it delivered to him, and then going NC?

Ignore his words, but look at why you need to hear this rubbish from him at all.

God bless
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Old 08-22-2010, 08:06 AM
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With an alcoholic/addict it is ALL about self-justifying their own behavior. He's only two months sober, so maybe he hasn't gotten to the part in the steps where you take responsibility for your own actions. If he doesn't, he won't be sober for long.

You did absolutely the healthiest thing you could in you situation. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Try to tune out the BS. Try not to argue with him about it. YOU know the truth, but it's a waste of time for you to try to convince him. In these situations, my standard response is, "Sorry you feel that way." And then changing the subject.
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Old 08-22-2010, 09:16 AM
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Naive said, "the issue here is not what he or she do, it is what you are willing to live with...your boundaries. there is no right or wrong really, it's 100% what you want and need in your significant relationship."

AMEN to that!

Katie, I've been there. There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. Say that out loud: "There is nothing wrong with me wanting what I want."

No matter what excuses he has for saying you "should" do one thing or another, you have to live with you EVERY DAY, and he is optional. Ditto for that "friend".

I used to have "friends" like that. No more. Some I still see at the store, etc., and I pleasantly smile as I'm walking on by--no stopping to chat at all...no need...another empty well that I don't need to revisit, or wait to see if it ever gets water in it. I found all kinds of abundance in other friendships (including the connections here!), no need for those other "friends" anymore. I wish them the best, and move on.

Sending you hugs,
posie
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Old 08-22-2010, 01:46 PM
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Hi everyone. Thank you for your support.

I think he has stopped working the steps and is now just seeing a psychologist. He definitely has not taken responsibility for his actions. Taking responsibility was never one of his strengths.

When I speak with him he doesn't ever ask anything about me. He is still very focused on himself. I think NC is going to be the best thing as I continue to give and he continues to take.

I don't have time for this girl anymore. 6 weeks ago when the xABF and I were still together she spoke to me about getting our friendship back on track, but as soon as we broke up, I never heard from her again. Then the xABF has the nerve to call me a psycho because I wont let this girl come to my house and help him pack! I stood my ground. She eventually did contact me about catching up but I didn't respond.

He has taken most of the things out of my house and given me my keys back so I don't think there is any need for my to contact him. Of course I still love him but from what I have seen recently I do not want to be in a relationship with him. I will also only be friends with him if he can start to contribute. I am tired of all the giving I did getting nothing in return. If he wants to be my friend he has to start showing that I am important to him...... I'm not holding my breath!
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Old 08-22-2010, 02:17 PM
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yay for you

as the lady sings "Respect yourself"

you can have the life you want and leave their muddled mess to them.
neither sound like they are your friends
you can find new ones
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Old 08-22-2010, 02:31 PM
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IMHO, you are better off without either of them in your life. Who needs all that drama?
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