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Message for future TC999 When you are mourning S, remember this feeling: working 24 hours non stop, waking up and going to 2-hour therapy, leave hopeful, having flautas for dinner, going to the supermarket and getting healthy stuff for next week, talking with the neighbor who is really happy and raised 4 kids alone, cleaning the apartment preparing a tea enjoying the rain playing with cats setting up the painting canvas in the living room watching E! news reading through your favorite magazine now remember how S never called, how you callled him at 1030 pm how he said "I am in a party, do you mind?" how he said he would come back at 1 how it was 2 am and not a peep how you were up at the time.. working. how he was drunk how he was horney how you felt anxious because you were invited out to a bar with girlfriends, which you haven't done for 2 years, and for some reason you care about his feelings. how he didn't seem to care about yours. how he said "his friends drink a lot" and he can't NOT keep up with them. remember your anger and frustration. remember he never said the place, or the "friends" he was with. remember how he turned it on you when you were angry about things anyone would be angry about. remember how he found some defect you had to make HIS ACTS appear to be YOUR FAULTS. your life is rich and full and you got everything you need. you are capable. you are loved by many - truly loved. you don't need the anxiety. you don't need the stress. you have the chance to enjoy your day and your nights. no more people around undermining your potential. remember how your day and night was perfectly fine and enjoyable and remember how someone's senseless acts made you cry in despair. remember the actions. no, you were not a "team", you did everything and he went along for the ride. no, you are not his mom. you have sold yourself so short. it is enough. you deserve the best gift: you. PS the teddy bear and flowers didn't mean anything. just things to double guess yourself and make you shut up. when it counts - when you were ill, when you were super tired, when you were worried, when you weren't up to it -was he there for you? were things really equal? was he even a friend? or a good roomie? be honest. |
Oh oh - and remember how he said he would leave and he didn't. Remember how he said he was too broke to move. Remember how he said he didn't have enough time to look for a place... but for drinking he has time and he has money.... |
You ARE loved by many! |
Aww how sweet of you Live. Thanks ((Live)) He arrived and he was not drunk. He said he had to drive someone somewhere yadda yadda. I just asked how would he feel if I did what he did tonight? and honestly if he was not leaving the apartment, then to tell me, because I can start looking or spend my nights with a girlfriend, but most certainly I won't spend my nights this way. He asked forgiveness and said he gets it - and that yes, he will make his best to leave ASAP. He held my hand and cried a little and he said he doesn't want to fight with me and had called me but my mobile was busy- that's true I was in therapy- oh well. I also said I care about him and like him but that does not mean we have to live together any longer. Or be a romantic couple for that matter. I think he got me and we ended up talking more calmly and actually hugging. He said if we broke up, he wishes we could be friends and that he would still care and would try his best to help me (e.g. killing spiders... he knows I hate them!) I do believe that when he says it. Its funny after breaking up with an alkie in denial, breaking up with a non alkie seems like a walk in the park. Not that it doesn't hurt. I just want to have me time and think things over and keep on with therapy, have a clearer vision. I am slowly learning that boundaries are not equal to anger and that boundaries are not equal to life becoming horrible. It really, really helped to write this here before talking to him... thanks for letting me write my feelings here. |
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
(Post 2686515)
I am slowly learning that boundaries are not equal to anger and that boundaries are not equal to life becoming horrible. CLMI |
Great post. Thanks !!!! Ok now I am thanking myself for my own threads...... I almost can't recognize myself and that voice, it sounds strong and determined. I hope with time I feel again that peace. |
I am exhausted from everything and I know i have to let go this one, other ex's and EVERYONE else. Perhaps its easier to do it in one great package?? |
It sounds like you gave yourself a great gift today! I appreciated the read, it reminded me of the daily struggle I had before my AH moved out. And yet I pinned, cried and withdrew from everyone and everything at the time thinking that I had lost something valuable - well I did - the promise or hope of a happy life with this person - we need to hold onto to the hope and let go of those who try to take it away. |
That is what my therapist said - what are the payoffs? -company -sex -his looks ... That was all. And she said -company-you can have many other friends -sex-you can have that as well, without attachment -looks- i already have good looks. then she compared me with all the old folks that go out with young models and carry them like trophies, and I felt disgusted with myself. |
I feel very guilty because I know he is very sad :( ok i think I need to cry again. Good thing I got dark glasses, need to get to work in 3 hours and got puffy eyes- I am an incredible mess, my apartment is a mess, too. |
Ok TC, wear those dark glasses and imagine you are a sultry, sexy and mysterious woman, that should not be hard for you to do. He may be sad, hmmm, then again you have imagined him feeling unhappy before and found out, he was out having fun......while you stayed in alone and sad for him. Read over the opening post, my lovely, and put these thoughts of how he MIGHT feel, out of your mind.....even if it is for only 5 minutes at a time. Don't let him set up house in your head, now that he has actually left the apartment. I posted on your other thread, so continue reading from there. Concentrate on you now, and believe there are handsome, intelligent, educated and genuine men out there, who are looking for partners, not a nurse and purse. |
im sorry that all this happens to nice ppl like us i now allow myself time to cry at night and aim not to during the day as ive cried enough tears to fill an ocean and i think im all cried out now im hoping it gets easier for us cos way i see it cant poss get any worse and your so right on all the points u raised thank u for these posts xxx |
kia, I think it was "Day one" the same day for us... I hope this pain helps us stop running from ourselves. |
proving really hard this no contact thing the tempation is so strong now but am gonna go watch something on the puter take me mind off it xx |
I am trying not to feel guilty for hoping for something better for myself. Soon to be ex keeps saying if I am going to go out with someone else. It seems in his mind it is extraordinary for a woman to just want to be herself, without anyone. Can't blame him, that is how my society sees women who are not married. Sad. |
yep isnt it in my case my ex is with the tart he cheated on me with but for now he prob thinks im just offline so am not talking to him its prob not clicked yet that ive done what i said i would "say what u mean and mean what u say" it will prob sink in by weekend so im expecting a phone call sometime then but hes down in my phone as "cheating P**s head " so if it rings at odd time ill know its him so i dont answer it in nice way or even answer it at all. I wouldnt let him keep on controlling u cos sounds like he is doing telling u not to see anyone else it gets me how self absorbed they can be at times well all the time really does he imagine u got over him that quick like u said just been on your own is fine and least its peaceful eh and best bit no dramas xxx |
He may be sad, hmmm, then again you have imagined him feeling unhappy before and found out, he was out having fun......while you stayed in alone and sad for him. Put on the dark glasses (big ones) and a big hat. Then, a sundress. Take a walk with a girlfriend. And think of the beach. Beth |
Soon to be ex keeps saying if I am going to go out with someone else. It seems in his mind it is extraordinary for a woman to just want to be herself, without anyone. When I moved into this house eight years ago, for my telephone service I signed up for a $50 per month package, sold to me as an all-inclusive plan. For this $50 rate I was supposed to get unlimited phone calls across the country, including long distance, voice mail, caller ID, call-waiting, three-way calling and speed dialing. But after I activated the phone service and got my first bill, it was over $80!!! I thought, this is a fluke, this is just because it was the first month's service. So, I did nothing. Next month, same thing, over $80!!! I was too lazy and confused by this to do anything about it so I kept paying the $80 a month (which I really could not afford), thinking I was doing something to cause the bill to be so high. Sooner or later though, probably after a year, I finally decided to do something about it. I called the phone company and asked, "What is the cheapest plan you have? THAT is the one I want." As soon as I said this, the customer service representative went into a panic. "But if you go with THAT plan, then you won't have free caller ID! You wont have call waiting! You won't have unlimited calling!" And I calmly replied, "That's OK, I don't need those things." I realized at that moment that they are TRAINED to overreact to make you panic, and make you think you are MISSING OUT on something. Marketing uses psychological tactics like this to get you to give up your money. Alcoholics and addicts (and other sick people) use these same tactics. If HE acts all panicky about the downfall of the relationship, then the idea is that you will too. Not only that, I realize that it has also been ingrained in me to panic in reaction to problems in relationships, which causes me to cling even more. Looking back on all my relationships over all these years I realize I was this way for a long time. Living alone has helped me to see that I never NEEDED to be in a relationship in the first place. All I needed was to believe in myself, have the courage to step out of my comfort zone, and take a risk to better myself and my life. I no longer panic. |
wicked: thanks! I am thinking of the beach. I was going to stay in this expensive overrated hotel, but now found a smaller cheaper one, so I am happy I get to stay more nights ! AND they have yoga classes. They got me right there, lol. As painful as this is, it is NOTHING compared to mourning an alcoholic. Here at least we talk and at least we listen and at least it doesn't feel like the other is out to get you and doing EVERY single thing to hurt you and badmouth you with all the common "friends" and get someone else the next SECOND, and throw it in your face, etc etc all the things they do.... So , kia, be gentle with yourself, and go No contact. I went back again and again and it was all gaslighting and I only found more pain.... |
L2L thanks a lot. Its true. I was thinking about my life today. I got a place to go to work thank God. I am good at what I do. People are making me laugh over here. Later I got Pilates, kick boxing. I am making some friends there. At 10 I got to see a neighbor for mesotherapy, she has also been nice, and left an abusive husband while she had 4 kids. My story is a child's story compared to so many others. Its nothing really. My family is well and alive and inviting me here and there to meet the next year. I got other stuff going on for myself and some small plans. Also I notice I turn heads. Funny. I am 1 kg away from my goal! I have never been this thin. I have never bought a Size 7 dress before. I was thinking, when I am alone and there is no noise, I tend to do yoga. I was thinking - perhaps I could study to become a yoga trainer, and give personal yoga classes? I could do yoga and talk about yoga for hours. And it would do me good to train. I do have a life besides my relationship.... thanks L2L, its true, just like the other ex, flaunting stuff but in reality there is nothing much in there. I see my relationships have been full of suffering and have been demeaning to me... supposedly they are there to make you happier and grow (in a way that does not leave you crying for hours and days and weeks and months??) I really really hope I can avoid more hurting and close this circle in as much peace as possible.. |
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