Summerpeach

Interesting thread and I can relate.
Thank you Firestorm for your input, I think it's important that alcohlics also contribute here.

HEALING: It was 2 weeks ago today I caught my ex cheating on me and I left.
We were together 5 yrs and like you, I know he loves me, and he screwed up.
My ex has been in AA and sober for 2 yrs (one 1 month relapse 19 months ago) and goes to AA all the time and said because of his cheating, he's going to be working his steps (his words to me, not sure he's doing it)

When we would fight or break up, he often would seek out female attention. Like Firestorm said, my ex would seek out anyone who would just listen. He did this mostly when active in his drinking.
Addiciton is a disease of the ego and spirit. Ego is a powerful source. But NOT more powerful than the spirit. Female attention equates to a drink for an addict.
If they truly heal their spirits, they won't ever go back to this behavior.

I'm not sure if my ex ever cheated on me throughout the 5 yrs, and not sure if I'll ever know the real/whole truth, but all I needed to know was this time he cheated was enough.
My mind races to who he's with now since I left, even though he told me once I left he would not be with anyone, but only focus on healing and steps groups, but I'm not sure I believe him.

Like you, I prayed, and some moments still pray, for a miracle that he becomes untwisted and focuses on his steps and becomes the man I know he can be and the man I wanted him to be. For me, being only 2 weeks out, I think my emotions and feelings are par for the course of mourning though.

With my ex before this ex, well he cheated, and I went NC the second I left. I was healed and over him in 3 months. NC is the key to healing. But that ex (who was also an active addict) was not this ex. There wasn't the same love, same emotion etc.
This last ex I loved a lot and cared for so it's much harder to let go.
So I understand how you feel about letting go.

I don't think he even grasps the reality of what happened. Maybe losing me wasn't his bottom. Maybe he needs another failed long term relationship to hit bottom.
This is also my 3rd failed long term and I can tell you, this was my bottom.

I've made an inventory list of my shortcomings, I mean I really looked at where I made huge mistakes with him and with the relationship. I never cheated or even came CLOSE, but I caused a lot of havoc as well and need to see why I did this.
I got a sponsor and will start my step work (al anon) next week.
I know I'm going to heal this time, with our without him.

It's not about you, it's about him. Your ex probably does love you, but his ego needs to stay in this drama.
Maybe if you back away and let him have his crazy life, maybe he will find his bottom, Maybe knowing he still "has you" doesn't give him any reason to try to get well.
This girl he's with is just another "drink" another ego stroke.
Maybe you can go no contact with him for let's say 1 week periods at a time and use your energy to focus on how you can make your life happier?!

I know this is REALLY hard...........hugs!

fourmaggie

Of all of this writing...this is what I got.....

1. you are right...and YOU keep your end up by going to AL ANON...there is no harm in doing this for YOU and your recovery.

2. Nothing else matters...but you....so...do this...KEEP THE FATIH

LET IS GO AND LET GOD......plain it simple.....THIS TOO SHALL PASS......

summer09

Hi Healing will come, in al anon I am trying to detach with love, both physically and mentally. I cannot let go either, the thought of my bf not being in my life is horrible. so i am starting to learn what i can and cannot put up with - know my own limits! You are where you are and that is ok. going out now so take care of yourself and be kind to yourself x

HealingWillCome

Firestorm, you're not out of line at all, and I appreciate your input more than you know. What you described going through after your breakup is what I believe my X is going through. It helps me very, very much to hear it from an alcoholic's perspective. I have always known that for him, being alone is enormously difficult, if not verging on impossible in his mind. He never liked that his counselor suggested he not have a relationship while attempting recovery. Your story tells me that my gut is probably right about where he is at right now. I don't feel like I'm going crazy or trying to make things up in my mind to make myself feel better. He does love me, but we cannot be together this way, and we both know that. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Thank you for your words of encouragement and kindness. The pain of your past has helped me find some serenity today. I am sorry you suffered like you did, but I hope it helps to know that you have helped me.

Live

I would suggest you not be her confidant. ick

don't think I haven't been in these very messy situations.
that exabf had more than one on the side.
I think every time he went to the bars, he went fishing for another one to keep on a string "just in case"
and I was being told (by many) that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
I liked that.

He sure as he!! wasn't the best thing that ever happened to me.

The more distance I got the more clear my head and then heart became.

I didn't want to not know what was going on with him....I really wanted to know and I was still trying to figure out the whole thing
and what happened to me....I had never put up with crap before him.

time and distance. stubbornly is what it took.

I hung out here ALOT

Babyblue

I really feel for your sadness and sense of loss. And I have all the more respect for you to know your limits and what you will and won't tolerate from him. You broke up with him for a reason though. If it helps to think that their relationship is somehow less valid than yours then ok. Or if she is somehow just a drug then ok too. I'm saying all this because as hard as the choice was that you made, you can't undo it.

I have lots of empathy for my guy's ex. I know how he sort of pulls her heartstrings still but he does so out of guilt and his inability to handle situations. He feels badly for what he put her through but was really just waiting for her to end things because he didn't know how. He may very well love her still. Maybe a lot more than I'd like to know but she and I are nothing alike and we handle things so differently.

And from the other side, I can tell you flat out that I also have issues with my guys ex still trying to stay in the picture. It really ticks me off but I can't control her. (not saying that is you but that is how I see her involvement) I know she feels a sense of loss at having broken up with him and is trying to keep him in her life in the hopes that he will 'realize what he had with her' but I see that as her not really respecting his choices and feelings. I see it as a form of control she is trying to exert over him just to assuage her feelings of loss and regret. I see her as being hugely manipulative in doing so. As time goes by and she is still holding on, I know he is also losing a level or respect he had for her. Just food for thought... again, I respect your strength and hurting is part of healing.

Im so sorry you are in pain. And there is no doubt you do love him so much still. But you did what you had to do for YOU and don't forget that. It has NOTHING to with the other gal or their relationship. It is about you knowing your limits and you should be proud of your strength in doing so.

I hope you heal

HealingWillCome

Thanks Summerpeach. Yes, it is really, really hard. Thanks for your understanding and insight. Today I am having a better day. Like you, I know that this is my rock bottom. When we first broke up, I went NC for 6 weeks and was doing SO WELL. Then I heard from him. He was asking me back, and I lovingly and confidently told him I had l let him go. And then I started to let him have more contact, and I started to fall apart (he doesn't know this). I lovingly held my ground with him, but internally I was losing it. NC is really, really the only way to go. I believe that for the sake of keeping serenity!

I was married 11 years ago and the pain of my divorce was NOTHING like this. But I am ready and willing to continue working on myself. Abandonment wounds, codependency, ACOA...all things that I am ready to continue dealing with. The past few days/weeks were an ugly setback, but I am feeling stronger and feeling more resolve about needing to let go, no matter how badly I want to hang on. Everyone here has reminded me that grief takes its own path, and that has been soothing.

Thanks for your comments about addiction and the ego and spirit. You and Firestorm helped me a lot today to feel like I'm not crazy, that addiction is the demon that causes humans to do things they would not normally do to the ones they love. I needed that.

You are going through a lot right now, but you have great stength and wisdom shining through. Sorry for your loss, your grief, your pain. Hugs to you!

HealingWillCome

I think you must be talking to BuffaloGal here? I don't have any kind of relationship with my X's GF. In fact, I don't like/want to know anything about her. I don't know a single thing except her first name... My X has talked about their unstable relationship but not her specifically, and his son has told my neighbor the same stories about their relationship, but that is all I know.

Live

ooooooooooooo....sorry!
I am sure I got posts mixed up.

You ARE going to get over this and be okay!
You are a smart lady.

isurvived

this quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer may help you.

If a friendship or partnership requires the submission of your higher original nature and dignity, it’s simply wrong. When you truly know what it is to love, as you’re loved by your Source, you won’t experience the kind of pain you did in the past when your love was unnoticed or rejected. It will, instead, be similar to how a friend described her experience of choosing to leave a relationship: “My heart was broken, but it felt like it was stuck in the open position. I felt love flowing toward this person who couldn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved, even as I left that relationship to seek the love I felt inside of me. It was strange to feel the pain of my broken heart. And at the same time feel its openness. I kept thinking, My heart’s broken, but it’s broken open. I shifted to an entirely new level of loving and being loved. The relationship I’d dreamed of having manifested 18 months later!”

You are love. You emanated from pure love. You’re connected to this Source of love at all times. Think this way, feel this way, and you’ll soon act this way. And all that you think, feel, and do will be reciprocated in exactly the same fashion. Believe it or not, this principle of the right person showing up has been in place forever. It’s only your ego that’s kept you from seeing it clearly.

Summerpeach

sounds like your BF still has feeling for his ex or he would not speak to her.
Does she hold a gun to his head when he talks to her? IF not, then she is not being manipulative.
Maybe your BF should cut her off and let her be free instead of being a child and continuing to let her fawn over him.

Summerpeach

I'm glad I was able to help,
Did you not take him back because he was still active? I'm sorry, I don't know your entire situation.

HealingWillCome

Babyblue, I think you're misunderstanding my position with my X and his GF. I don't contact him, and when I do, I continue to tell him that we cannot be together. I do it with love, because I think that's the right way to do it, but he has no illusions or misconceived notions that I want him back or am trying to get him back.

My struggle is INTERNAL. He has no idea how I am feeling. I have never told him or anyone else I want him back. My not wanting to let go is within me, period. You're right, the choice to let him go was mine and I have accepted the CHOICE, just not quite the FEELINGS that have come with it. They hurt like hell, but I own them, and will continue to work through them.

I don't need to think that my X and his GF's relationship is "less valid" than ours. I know that ours was very, very real. My struggle/pain come from trying to understand what he is seeking from someone he continually kicks out of his life. It is deeply painful to know that my X, no matter how much he still loves me, can still jump into another relationship. It just flat hurts. People here have given me some insight about this, and I am thankful for that.

I think you are hurting, too. It's clear that your guy's X is causing you turmoil, and I am sorry for that. It may be that he needs to take some responsibility for allowing her to manipulate him. What are his boundaries with her? Is his guilt a good enough reason to let her control his emotions or affect your relationship with him?

I will heal, I have no doubt. I am as determined as I was 5 months ago. My grief is what it is and will progress at whatever pace it needs to. The past few days and weeks have been hard, but I have needed to go through this for whatever reason.

HealingWillCome

Umm, I'm kind of confused here. No, I didn't take him back because he was still active. That was someone else, maybe?

We were together for two years. After the first year, we broke up due to his drinking and his realization/admission that he needed help for it. Six weeks later, he came to me and was in counseling and working on recovery. Not in a 12-step program, but working on recovery, trying to do it with the counselor. After it looked like he was doing well, I naively took him back. Not much later, he was smoking pot and drinking again, and I realized I was always going to be 2nd place to the addictions. That was when I ended it, 5 months ago.

ChrrisT

Hi HWC

Your name "Healing Will Come" pretty much says it all. You need time. Getting over someone can literally take years in some cases.

(I'm sorry if I'm repeating, but there is ALOT to read in this thread)

But the thing that struck was

[QUOTE]
What is really bothering me is that I don't ever want him to love anyone else. Have you ever felt that way about someone? I don't ever want him to love anyone but me. I don't think he loves this girl, but I'm terrified that he will let himself love someone besides me again.[QUOTE]

They learn about the EGO in AA as well. EGO controls these feelings and needs.

You don't want him back because logically you know that should never happen again.

But your ego is screaming, jumping up and down - that he has moved on and he's with this other (poor) woman instead of choosing you.

And it is way bigger than just saying "oh my ego is a little bruised" It is in total control of all your thinking.

Being honest and asking yourself the important questions about why you really feel this way - will help it stop.

HealingWillCome

So, Maggie, let me tell you about my morning. I love that you brought out these two points.

After mass this morning, I visited with the priest (a visiting priest who I have always really liked, but rarely get to see) for nearly 30 minutes, seeking counsel and prayer for healing. It was awesome. He listened to me spill my story and was patient with my tears. We talked about Al-Anon and he asked if I was going and confirmed that I need to go. And of course, he confirmed that I need to let go of my X. He prayed over me. My faith in God has always been strong, and this morning I drew on that, for my own spiritual and emotional healing. As the priest pointed out, my healing won't come immediately...which I knew, but needed to be reminded of. There is growth to be gained from whatever pace our healing happens.

Thanks, Maggie. Yes, this too shall pass... God grant me the serenity...

HealingWillCome

Christie, thanks for making me look at that. My own ego, yes, is definitely hurt...and not liking it. And my abandonment wounds make it hard to face the reality of X with someone else. In the end, I want him to be happy.

HealingWillCome

Thanks, Isurvived. Those are some peaceful, promising, comforting words.

HealingWillCome

Summerpeach, maybe I'm causing the confusion. This should say, "when we broke up this last time" I went NC for 6 weeks and was doing so well.

We also broke up for 6 weeks the first time but then got back together after he was working on recovery. I didn't ever go back to him because he was active, though.

ChrrisT

There are books about how our ego can rule our entire lives. It causes the jealously we feel. It's very powerful. It makes us do and think crazy things.

You are a sweet, caring kind person, I don't know you, but I know you are because 99.9% of the people on SR are here because they are. ya know what I mean?

and yes

that is because you are that caring and kind person.

But I think - when that when it is the "end" you will care only about your own happiness. And that is how you will know you are over him.

It's hard to image now but someday he will just be "that" bad relationship.

Hugs