how much or how little to say?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: atlanta
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how much or how little to say?
Looking for some advice. My husband (of 25 years) has started going to AA. Not everyday but several times a week. Anyway sometimes he wants to yack and yack to me about the meetings and sometimes he is completely quiet. I am wondering how I should respond to either of these behaviors. Should a casually inquire about the meetings or say nothing. After all they are HIS meetings.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
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Hi Prich
Firstly, are you going to Al-anon? It would be good for you if you are not.
My AH only went to a handful of AA meetings before he relapsed and although he didnt go into too much detail about the meetings, he mentioned about not fitting in and everyone being so much worse than him which was part of his denial and a sign that he wasnt really ready to quit drinking.
I can only comment from a Al-anon perspective - I attend these meetings and vary rarely talk to my husband about them, only that I am going, or how many was there, thats about it. In Al-anon we hear each week about anonimity and the importance of keeping our meetings and what other people say private to make going, safe for everyone. Perhaps your husband hasnt heard this yet. Also the days he says nothing, may be because he has heard something that hit home and has got him thinking rather than wanting to discuss.
Personally, I think his AA meetings are his business and if he discusses them with you, then just nod, agree etc but dont get involved and if he doesnt discuss them with you, then let it be. Its his recovery, he chooses to share it with you sometimes and sometimes not, but personally I would try not to get involved other than listening if required.
Firstly, are you going to Al-anon? It would be good for you if you are not.
My AH only went to a handful of AA meetings before he relapsed and although he didnt go into too much detail about the meetings, he mentioned about not fitting in and everyone being so much worse than him which was part of his denial and a sign that he wasnt really ready to quit drinking.
I can only comment from a Al-anon perspective - I attend these meetings and vary rarely talk to my husband about them, only that I am going, or how many was there, thats about it. In Al-anon we hear each week about anonimity and the importance of keeping our meetings and what other people say private to make going, safe for everyone. Perhaps your husband hasnt heard this yet. Also the days he says nothing, may be because he has heard something that hit home and has got him thinking rather than wanting to discuss.
Personally, I think his AA meetings are his business and if he discusses them with you, then just nod, agree etc but dont get involved and if he doesnt discuss them with you, then let it be. Its his recovery, he chooses to share it with you sometimes and sometimes not, but personally I would try not to get involved other than listening if required.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 64
yes i do
Attend al anon. I totally agree with you about my AH reaction to meetings. I think he thinks I want to know all about them. He has not violated by using names just talk in general like how many people were there and he likes to tell about how long so and so has been sober etc. Just chat. I acknowledge that this is HIS recovery. I know that I have my own work to do with the wonderful people at my meetings
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
My husband used to want to tell me everything about the meetings and his sponsor when he was attending. I mostly listened and affirmed what he was learning about himself and let other stuff alone. When he stopped meetings he stopped talking about it.
As for me, I went to alanon while he was at AA meetings. I rarely wanted to share when I came home - and often it put me in a bad mood as I got in touch with reality. He noticed and often suggested I stop them so I let him know that no one was telling me anything bad it was just my stuff.
There is a lot to process on the recovery side of things - some get deeper into than others. I know mine could get overwhelmed with shame and guilt at times and I would just hold him. Mostly though he began to laugh and enjoy life for the most part so it was good while it lasted.
As for me, I went to alanon while he was at AA meetings. I rarely wanted to share when I came home - and often it put me in a bad mood as I got in touch with reality. He noticed and often suggested I stop them so I let him know that no one was telling me anything bad it was just my stuff.
There is a lot to process on the recovery side of things - some get deeper into than others. I know mine could get overwhelmed with shame and guilt at times and I would just hold him. Mostly though he began to laugh and enjoy life for the most part so it was good while it lasted.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 438
I'd say you should do whatever feels most comfortable for you. There are no rules (that I know of) that govern how to deal w/spouses talking about their AA meetings, so trust your own guidance and ask, comment, or respond in a way that suits you.
I do think it's great that he feels comfortable enough with you to share anything about his recovery at all...I've known people who were very, very private about their AA involvement and never shared anything with spouses or non-AA friends. But again, there's no right or wrong here...if he shares sometimes and not others, there's no need for you to worry. Take care of yourself, give Alanon a shot, and tell me how you like it because I probably need to go myself. ;-)
I do think it's great that he feels comfortable enough with you to share anything about his recovery at all...I've known people who were very, very private about their AA involvement and never shared anything with spouses or non-AA friends. But again, there's no right or wrong here...if he shares sometimes and not others, there's no need for you to worry. Take care of yourself, give Alanon a shot, and tell me how you like it because I probably need to go myself. ;-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 64
love my meetings
I love my meeting both Fto F and here on Saturday. Actually will miss tonights meetings as we have a function to go to. First friends and family that I have missed since February. I will miss you all this evening.
hugs
hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by yesbutnobut 
My AH only went to a handful of AA meetings before he relapsed and although he didnt go into too much detail about the meetings, he mentioned about not fitting in and everyone being so much worse than him which was part of his denial and a sign that he wasnt really ready to quit drinking.
He's back in AA now of his own choice, got himself a sponsor and goes frequently to meetings. But the one significant thing that changed is me - this time around I have lost the urge to be so involved in his recovery. Since the relapse and going back to AA, he has tried to talk to me about his recovery - making comments like wow the speaker tonight was incredible, or how he talks to his sponsor everyday. My choice is not to talk to him about it, just to say that's nice, great to hear it's going well and that's it. He used to talk to me when he was trying to offload guilt and shame, and I don't think that this is totally gone for him even now that he's sober again and attending AA. And I'm done taking his guilt and shame like I used to. I kind of feel now that it's too early in his recovery for him to have had any epiphanies or experience with a new type of conversation, so I feel any opportunities he takes to talk are still not authentic attempts at communication but more like "ok, see, I'm going to AA and really it's different this time because I've learned all these great things (just like a child at show and tell). Please don't leave me."
I see that my previous attempts to become engaged in any recovery talk was me still trying to keep a pulse on him, so my motives to listen were not pure. I guess you can try to assess that of yourself - if it comes from an honest place to listen to him and not interfere then there isn't an issue. My experience right now is that if I engage with him on the topic then I could be providing a potential 'out' for him again; he figures that I so badly want him sober and he's throwing me crumbs and want me to dance with him again in our dysfunctional dance. Thing is, his recovery is not and should not be about me, so he can keep his crumbs to himself and finally dance completely alone. And only time will tell how that will work out for him, if he can maintain sobriety for HIS OWN reasons.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
The Al-Anon Traditions helped me tremendously with this situation in my own life - when I was married to a recovering A, and then it helps me today in dealing with my daughter in recovery.
"Tradition 5 - says . . . We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics."
for me - to understand and encourage my family members in recovery - I had to learn to LISTEN to what they were saying in a healthy recovery way - sometimes they just needed to talk, to voice their thoughts, questions and ideas ~ not for me to comment, answer or resolve their issues - they just needed a "friend" to listen.
So I had to learn "listening" skills and say
sometimes - nothing,
sometimes - thanks for sharing that with me
sometimes - what an interesting view on that subject
sometimes - I'm so glad we are able to share our recovery
and sometimes - I just gave them a hug
I use many other principles of the Traditions to help me direct my path in dealing with my family members - it helps me to know the "Greater" good is sometimes better served when placing principles above personalities.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
"Tradition 5 - says . . . We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics."
for me - to understand and encourage my family members in recovery - I had to learn to LISTEN to what they were saying in a healthy recovery way - sometimes they just needed to talk, to voice their thoughts, questions and ideas ~ not for me to comment, answer or resolve their issues - they just needed a "friend" to listen.
So I had to learn "listening" skills and say
sometimes - nothing,
sometimes - thanks for sharing that with me
sometimes - what an interesting view on that subject
sometimes - I'm so glad we are able to share our recovery
and sometimes - I just gave them a hug
I use many other principles of the Traditions to help me direct my path in dealing with my family members - it helps me to know the "Greater" good is sometimes better served when placing principles above personalities.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I am feeling so crappy today,Silkspin,
and you just made me laugh! Thank you. Word for word from my ex ABF too. Same script.
Keeping his crumbs and dancing his own dance...I love that. I began to see my ex again because he got serious, and had 90 days, and talked me into it. But I felt like I was being "sold" on how great he was doing, and how different he was, but it was all talk. His actions were exactly the same. Resentment, manipulation, making me his program instead of AA. Talk talk talk. So I ended it, and 2 weeks later all I can remember is the good stuff. So thank god I am here at SR because reading and posting is helping me to remember why I ended it.
Thank you.
and you just made me laugh! Thank you. Word for word from my ex ABF too. Same script.Keeping his crumbs and dancing his own dance...I love that. I began to see my ex again because he got serious, and had 90 days, and talked me into it. But I felt like I was being "sold" on how great he was doing, and how different he was, but it was all talk. His actions were exactly the same. Resentment, manipulation, making me his program instead of AA. Talk talk talk. So I ended it, and 2 weeks later all I can remember is the good stuff. So thank god I am here at SR because reading and posting is helping me to remember why I ended it.
Thank you.
Originally Posted by silkspin
Wow, do they all take the same course or something? I used to think that what was developing in my home was unique to my dynamic and relationship, and since finding Al Anon it's like we all got the same memo. Word for word - AH talked about not fitting in and how everyone else was worse. It just dumbfounds me! After 1.5 yrs of sobriety but with this attitude, he relapsed recently.
He's back in AA now of his own choice, got himself a sponsor and goes frequently to meetings. But the one significant thing that changed is me - this time around I have lost the urge to be so involved in his recovery. Since the relapse and going back to AA, he has tried to talk to me about his recovery - making comments like wow the speaker tonight was incredible, or how he talks to his sponsor everyday. My choice is not to talk to him about it, just to say that's nice, great to hear it's going well and that's it. He used to talk to me when he was trying to offload guilt and shame, and I don't think that this is totally gone for him even now that he's sober again and attending AA. And I'm done taking his guilt and shame like I used to. I kind of feel now that it's too early in his recovery for him to have had any epiphanies or experience with a new type of conversation, so I feel any opportunities he takes to talk are still not authentic attempts at communication but more like "ok, see, I'm going to AA and really it's different this time because I've learned all these great things (just like a child at show and tell). Please don't leave me."
I see that my previous attempts to become engaged in any recovery talk was me still trying to keep a pulse on him, so my motives to listen were not pure. I guess you can try to assess that of yourself - if it comes from an honest place to listen to him and not interfere then there isn't an issue. My experience right now is that if I engage with him on the topic then I could be providing a potential 'out' for him again; he figures that I so badly want him sober and he's throwing me crumbs and want me to dance with him again in our dysfunctional dance. Thing is, his recovery is not and should not be about me, so he can keep his crumbs to himself and finally dance completely alone. And only time will tell how that will work out for him, if he can maintain sobriety for HIS OWN reasons.
He's back in AA now of his own choice, got himself a sponsor and goes frequently to meetings. But the one significant thing that changed is me - this time around I have lost the urge to be so involved in his recovery. Since the relapse and going back to AA, he has tried to talk to me about his recovery - making comments like wow the speaker tonight was incredible, or how he talks to his sponsor everyday. My choice is not to talk to him about it, just to say that's nice, great to hear it's going well and that's it. He used to talk to me when he was trying to offload guilt and shame, and I don't think that this is totally gone for him even now that he's sober again and attending AA. And I'm done taking his guilt and shame like I used to. I kind of feel now that it's too early in his recovery for him to have had any epiphanies or experience with a new type of conversation, so I feel any opportunities he takes to talk are still not authentic attempts at communication but more like "ok, see, I'm going to AA and really it's different this time because I've learned all these great things (just like a child at show and tell). Please don't leave me."
I see that my previous attempts to become engaged in any recovery talk was me still trying to keep a pulse on him, so my motives to listen were not pure. I guess you can try to assess that of yourself - if it comes from an honest place to listen to him and not interfere then there isn't an issue. My experience right now is that if I engage with him on the topic then I could be providing a potential 'out' for him again; he figures that I so badly want him sober and he's throwing me crumbs and want me to dance with him again in our dysfunctional dance. Thing is, his recovery is not and should not be about me, so he can keep his crumbs to himself and finally dance completely alone. And only time will tell how that will work out for him, if he can maintain sobriety for HIS OWN reasons.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
seeking, you sum it up beautifully - he was trying to 'sell' you on it. Morning after his supposed 'rock bottom' he called me at my sisters where I'd stayed that night, telling me that someone from AA was picking him up to talk. I waited until he was surely gone then came home. When he returned he was sheepish and pathetic (same as always next day), saying the guy agreed to be his sponsor and that he was sorry and knew I was hurting. As if these 'revelations' could just cure it all - he could have easily done these things when I asked him to leave and he started AA 1.5 years ago - but I started 'dancing' again and he ended up slacking. So now the little tidbits he's getting from AA, may be earth-moving for him, are mostly irrelevant and unimportant to me and especially now since I've removed myself from being his mother figure. Recovery is not a kid suddenly being able to catch that elusive butterfly and running inside to show mommy - this is kind of what I feel he's doing by initiating conversation. It's a show right now, not true and true, transformational recovery. Then the kid gives the butterfly to mommy and his hands are free to go roaming for his next catch.
I attribute my new attitude to my own recovery. I also credit his relapse to some great strides in growth that I've taken, as I could see that I still engaged in unhealthiness through his sobriety (NOT recovery) over the past year. I feel so much better in not wanting to be involved and I think it will lead me to the right place - although I don't know where that is now.
I attribute my new attitude to my own recovery. I also credit his relapse to some great strides in growth that I've taken, as I could see that I still engaged in unhealthiness through his sobriety (NOT recovery) over the past year. I feel so much better in not wanting to be involved and I think it will lead me to the right place - although I don't know where that is now.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
It's so true, what you say. Catching that elusive butterfly and running in to show mommy. It just cannot be that easy. What was easy was having me around to blame when it wasn't so easy. I was the savior, and then I was the enemy. I have grown, and I believe I have truly let go of trying to change a thing. But the funny thing is, he seems to still believe I have that power.
Thank you Silkspin. I feel so much better.
Thank you Silkspin. I feel so much better.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by seekingcalm
But the funny thing is, he seems to still believe I have that power.
Same with our marriage. I was ready, he wasn't. But he wanted to make me happy so went through with it, and became resentful. After a few too many (at that point I didn't see the drinking issue) at our wedding, that night we argued about seemingly nothing. In retrospect that was his anger that he was 'forced' into marriage, and yet he'd never said a thing. I think this is when the drinking started to really get worse.
This just goes to show how unhealthy stuff gets snowballed when people lack the vocabulary and resources to communicate their hearts. For him it stems right back to his family of origin. And my fault in all this was that I didn't allow him any room to express either. I wanted my way, so when he didn't offer, I didn't press, and things went my way. And that backfired on me big time!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
For us now after 15-`16 months sober - we don't talk as much about his meeting and what he's learning. If it's something new or has made a big impression and wants to share his excitement then I'll listen and I'm happy for him.
I feel it's just sharing what we are doing during the day like he just built a beautiful patio or I had 30 people in my class.
Just sharing our lives, I don't over think it anymore.
That's feels good
I feel it's just sharing what we are doing during the day like he just built a beautiful patio or I had 30 people in my class.
Just sharing our lives, I don't over think it anymore.
That's feels good
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