Today is her birthday and I'm confused
 

Today is AS' birthday. It is a sad milestone in the sense that it marks one year to the day that she started actively drinking again (she had 6 months sobriety under her belt previously). I sent her a card and wished her well; I'm feeling stuck when thinking about whether or not I should call her, too. I don't feel comfortable calling because of AS' current lack of sobriety and the probability that my mom will use me calling the house as an opportunity to continue her hysterical rants and raves about what a "bad daughter" I am (my sister lives with my parents). Feeling confused. Maybe just feeling "obligated" because it's family. Thoughts, stories, advice appreciated.

My mother and I did not speak for 10 years. She is an alcoholic, I just had to part ways for a period of time. We did not communicate at all. When it was her birthday I wished her one in my heart. That was the best I could do.

We are back together again, yes, she still drinks however she does understand my bounderies, and, she does know I will enforce them.

You should do whats best for you.

I think it was very nice of you to send a card. That by itself is special recognition.

I have been trying to avoid "advice" but since you asked...since you just set up boundaries and it is still fresh and your family hasn't gotten it through their head yet
AND you anticipate uncomfortable consequences
I would advise you not to phone.
Your mom would probably wonder why the you didn't go to the museum trip.
If you didn't want to be around her drinking...what is the difference between talking to her on the phone when drinking is likely?
Why make yourself uncomfortable? And possibly disturb your peace?

those are just my thoughts...of course, do whatever you want to do.

If a call would just open the gates to abuse and stress, then don't call.

If you feel like her Bday must be observed, then how about this....

A local pantry I go to offers the children of clients birthday boxes when their birthdays come around. In it is a cake mix, a can of frosting, some balloons and candles. That way, people who already have it pretty rough don't also have to kick themselves just because maybe they can't afford that stuff.

Maybe you could donate some stuff like that? Just a thought....sometimes doing something in honor of someone, but not necessarily FOR someone, is a good choice too.

I like that, DM, thanks....and thanks everyone. I think I instinctively know that I would be calling out of obligation more so than for any other reason. Sending a card was enough, I think.

On another note, I just found out (like, a minute ago) that my mom dropped me as a "friend" on Facebook because of the museum incident. How extremely childish can you get? Some people, I swear....I am biting my lip to not write a nasty email to her. But that would be walking in her shoes and stooping to her level. And I am stronger than that. There's no point at all trying to reason with UNREASONABLE PEOPLE! It is just so hurtful to be treated like sh*t by your own mother.

you can write the email and not send it...just to get it out.

I am thinking this was done precisely to cause a reaction in you.

When someone does that to me I get stubborn!
I identify it as a power and control move and that always gets me to that urge that living well is the best revenge.
How about taking yourself out for something nice to you.
When I am mad that often works as a gotcha in my mind...i.e. "You are trying to hurt me, I deserve to be treated well and I am doing it"
so there...sticks tongue out and thumbs nose
;)

You are under no obligation to do anything just because they are ur family of origin. And for gosh sake your sister is not four years old. Why do you feel obligated to call an ADULT for her bday?

I too, think the card is plenty and I too, think your mother de-friended you on FB for a reaction.

Live...get outta my head!! :lmao

:)
well, you know...I used to think that I should be "above all that"
phoooey. I am a human being and all my feelings are okay, not just the pretty ones and the high minded ones!
My inner child lives! watch out!
giggle

omg..dropped from FB by ur mom..hope she doesn't tell everyone u have cooties!:rotfxko

Lolling, Keep.... :)

She is narcissistic, if that explains anything (umm...a TON, actually)...

cooties! too funny....in that email: I hope I don't have a virus, facebook isn't acting right. Is that a mirror in your new photo?

I am so sorry that your mother is not healthy enough to enjoy , and appreciate having a daughter like you. Life is too short......

I would figure out what I would like to buy, my AS AND my DM (dysfunctional mom) for BOTH their birthdays.

Then I would figure out how much those two gifts would cost.

Then I would total those numbers.

Then I would take THAT money and go buy MYSELF something nice. :day6

Oh, and since you asked, I would NOT call.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Yeah, wonderful suggestions Coyote. Go pamper yourself and let those who prefer miserable keep it, while you do uplifting.

God bless

Thank you everyone...I feel a ton better since posting yesterday; this forum is so helpful. Last night my husband and I had a nice "date night" out--and it lifted my spirits and made me realize that I am above all her childish game-playing and I have choices as to whether to engage in that drama or leave it alone and live my own life. I'm working on choosing the latter. :)

You are fortunate to have a hubby that is in your corner! I am glad that you are at peace with your decision.