The Damn Book - Chapter 2: Shattering
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB 
I just spent the last two months in the shattering phase and am now trying to put myself back together...
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I just started the book this afternoon, I got through the first chapter. It is amazing, I can see my AW in it and my self. I have felt the feeling of abandonment for as long as I can remember.
When I first started reading this post I noticed it was stated in August, and I wondered how I missed it before. Then I realized it was august 2010....haha
I just wanted to add thanks to owathu for suggesting the book to me. It is helping me a lot.
When I first started reading this post I noticed it was stated in August, and I wondered how I missed it before. Then I realized it was august 2010....haha
I just wanted to add thanks to owathu for suggesting the book to me. It is helping me a lot.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
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This loooks like something I need too--Abandonment issues, yep that's me!!
Is this a book I can get on Amazon, or what? I've never heard of it before seeing this thread.
8 haven't posted much lately....just reading and getting the reinforcement that it really was that bad is what I've needed lately. But so frustrated with myself for still clinging to him, in my heart, even though there's only been email for over a year.... and his replies have really dwindled. Yet STILL I have crying attacks, can't imagine loving someone else, can't keep the misery of the r-ship in the front of my mind, and basically, cling to the memory of him like a security blanket.
And this isn't new behavior for me either.
Abandonment issues. again. Arrrg!
Is this a book I can get on Amazon, or what? I've never heard of it before seeing this thread.
8 haven't posted much lately....just reading and getting the reinforcement that it really was that bad is what I've needed lately. But so frustrated with myself for still clinging to him, in my heart, even though there's only been email for over a year.... and his replies have really dwindled. Yet STILL I have crying attacks, can't imagine loving someone else, can't keep the misery of the r-ship in the front of my mind, and basically, cling to the memory of him like a security blanket.
And this isn't new behavior for me either.
Abandonment issues. again. Arrrg!
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain
... Is this a book I can get on Amazon, or what?
by Susan Anderson.
ISBN-10: 0425172287
ISBN-13: 978-0425172285
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life: Susan Anderson: 9780425172285: Amazon.com: Books.
Mike
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Originally Posted by owathu
I think there is something wrong with me, because my shattering lasted maybe 3 weeks? I am kind of over it and over him. I think I am repressing something.
Do you feel numb?
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Originally Posted by owathu
I think there is something wrong with me, because my shattering lasted maybe 3 weeks? I am kind of over it and over him. I think I am repressing something.
I feel like in my own relationship with my soon to be XAW, that I went through the Shattering and some of the next chapter Withdrawals, before we even separated.
She had already abandoned me for the alcohol before I left her. I think the two weeks after I moved out I was going through more of the withdrawals. But still a little shattering. It lasted about 2 weeks for me. I chain smoked the whole time, my lungs are just now healing up...haha better than drinking through it!!!
Like she says in the book all of the stages can swirl around, going from one to the next in a matter of minutes. I still feel that.
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Maybe, maybe not... people take different amounts of time for different things.
Do you feel numb?
Do you feel numb?
So, I cried, let it out, and re-wrote all the crappy things he did towards me in the last 30 days.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
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...The infant in you cries out to be held and loved. Paradoxically, by the very same person who keeps betraying, deserting and abandoning you...p 30.
This is probably one of the most poignant statements and one that I said to the xabf a few weeks back when he'd hurt me, yet it was only him that could make me feel better.
I thought it didn't seem right that I should be comforted by the person who hurt me; he seemed to think it should be that way.
This has been some real eye opening reading so far and one of the best books I have read that has truly explained the feelings I have.
And, every time she writes about pain hitting you to the core because you feel that sense of loss, I go through it again. I feel it. As much as I believe I have moved on quite a bit from my mom dying in 2005 - I obviously have not gotten past the loss of attachment from her completely.
Helps me to see why the attachment to xabf is so strong whenever we are broken up.
This is probably one of the most poignant statements and one that I said to the xabf a few weeks back when he'd hurt me, yet it was only him that could make me feel better.
I thought it didn't seem right that I should be comforted by the person who hurt me; he seemed to think it should be that way.
This has been some real eye opening reading so far and one of the best books I have read that has truly explained the feelings I have.
And, every time she writes about pain hitting you to the core because you feel that sense of loss, I go through it again. I feel it. As much as I believe I have moved on quite a bit from my mom dying in 2005 - I obviously have not gotten past the loss of attachment from her completely.
Helps me to see why the attachment to xabf is so strong whenever we are broken up.
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Originally Posted by owathu
No I don't feel numb. I still have my moments where I am sad, crying, what not, but, that overwhelming yearning and pain is gone. Now, he did stop by yesterday to pick some things up from my condo, and I did cry afterwards. But, I think only because he was being the guy that I married initially, and not the cold monster he was a month ago.
So, I cried, let it out, and re-wrote all the crappy things he did towards me in the last 30 days.
So, I cried, let it out, and re-wrote all the crappy things he did towards me in the last 30 days.
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
I have to say that looking back on my own past history, it normally takes me a while to get over this part of a breakup. I was kind of angry and disgusted as well for the way things ended with my A. He was very verbally abusive to me so getting over the shock and the hurt associated with that has been the biggest hurdle, I think. I can't remember anyone being so cruel to me in my life.
It's the little glimpse of who he could be or used to be that makes it the cruelest thing of all. It's easier to think of him as a monster, and not someone that can be kind. Ugh. I thought I was healing just a little bit too quickly...
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
I have to say that looking back on my own past history, it normally takes me a while to get over this part of a breakup. I was kind of angry and disgusted as well for the way things ended with my A. He was very verbally abusive to me so getting over the shock and the hurt associated with that has been the biggest hurdle, I think. I can't remember anyone being so cruel to me in my life.
for me, it was like being with my mother, when he would have his foaming-at-the-mouth rage attacks.
Yet, he tried hard for the first couple years, in spite of his negativity....he was very loving, and that is UNlike my mother.
I crave affection, because I was so deprived of it right from the start-----this quote about wanting comforting from the same person who was cruel is about the first time I've seen it spelled out. Hmmmm....it does drive me nuts that I can't keep the miserable memories in mind. Instead, I just keep craving and craving the *delusion* I had that he was the answer to my dreams.
when signs began to show up that he was NOT what I thought, I just shoved them aside and kept on loving.
yep, gotta get this book.
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
...The infant in you cries out to be held and loved. Paradoxically, by the very same person who keeps betraying, deserting and abandoning you...p 30.
This is probably one of the most poignant statements and one that I said to the xabf a few weeks back when he'd hurt me, yet it was only him that could make me feel better.
I thought it didn't seem right that I should be comforted by the person who hurt me; he seemed to think it should be that way.
This is probably one of the most poignant statements and one that I said to the xabf a few weeks back when he'd hurt me, yet it was only him that could make me feel better.
I thought it didn't seem right that I should be comforted by the person who hurt me; he seemed to think it should be that way.
we're all mad dam backwards = mad
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Originally Posted by Kassie2
Chap three on Internalizing: not finished but figured out something strange - I am usually the one who says - stop - I don't want to go this way - and when the guy chooses to leave I tell myself that I shouldn't have done that. I end up feeling like the one left behind when in reality maybe they felt I left them? So why am I assigning those words to my situation? In the book, she talks about death as an abandonment that we understand and accept because there is no control over it and the person can't come back. Well, my father died forty years ago - and until five years ago I believed that he left on purpose! I remember having a sudden shift in my beliefs and realized that I thought he had a choice when he didn't. Today I am realizing that when I am giving people a choice to stay or go - there is a choice involved but I get angry that they don't want to work on it. That somehow it is a reflection on me that they have made that choice instead of seeing it as a reflection of who they are.
I usually end up being the one who wants to break up with them and when they go I feel abandoned anyway.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
At some point I had to learn how to comfort myself. Because you're right, seeking comfort from the person who has hurt us is just a sick cycle. And they use it against you. The sicker they get, they begin to hurt you on purpose, so that you go running into their arms no matter how horrible what they have done is. THAT, I've learned, is taking advantage of our emotional dependence. THAT is what Dr. Simon says is DEpendence on our part, not COdependence.
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain
L2L, I would love to hear more about Self-Comforting. Or, is there some thread about that subject? Orrrr, maybe I should start a thread asking about it!
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