Been Hanging Out with Bad Boys All My Life
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Been Hanging Out with Bad Boys All My Life
I think I hung out with bad boys for as long as I did (and still do) so that I could continue my own bad behavior and always have someone around to point my finger at, and someone worse than me to make me feel self-righteous.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
I think I hung out with bad boys for as long as I did (and still do) so that I could continue my own bad behavior and always have someone around to point my finger at, and someone worse than me to make me feel self-righteous.
I know my axw ran with some real "turds", I couldn't believe the people she'd associate with, and believe me when I say I'm not exactly a snob.
Back in my "hardest" drinking daze, I found anyone drunker than me, difficult to tolerate.
I also must admit that on some level I had the self-righteous thing going on with axw.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I wonder, Coyote, (if we are the same in this respect) if we are STILL just doing what we did when we were drinking? Remember how you were saying in the other thread how you lose yourself in a relationship? I wonder if we are still losing ourselves as before, just in a different context. Not sure I even know what I'm saying right now. Just thinking out loud.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Bad boy magnet over here! I am the non-drinking, non-aspirin popping, "good girl."
It's still the same. . .it reinforces what a "nice" girl I am! I am so sweet and kind. . .and pretty powerful to help and rescue all of these bad boys from themselves!
It says so much more about me than it does about the "bad boys."
Now that I am a mother, my whole perspective has changed. I learned/absorbed this attraction I am sure from growing up in an alcoholic family. I have choices now!
It's still the same. . .it reinforces what a "nice" girl I am! I am so sweet and kind. . .and pretty powerful to help and rescue all of these bad boys from themselves!
It says so much more about me than it does about the "bad boys."
Now that I am a mother, my whole perspective has changed. I learned/absorbed this attraction I am sure from growing up in an alcoholic family. I have choices now!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Wow L2L, shedding some light over here!
I've always held the mentality of, "I'm not that bad" when it comes to drinking, etc. Like Yorkie said.. it also helps to convince myself I'm a sweet, innocent, loving girl when dating horribly abusive men..
Hmm... thanks for sharing! It's so hard to look at yourself, and realize the truths you don't want to admit.
I've always held the mentality of, "I'm not that bad" when it comes to drinking, etc. Like Yorkie said.. it also helps to convince myself I'm a sweet, innocent, loving girl when dating horribly abusive men..
Hmm... thanks for sharing! It's so hard to look at yourself, and realize the truths you don't want to admit.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Yes, I used my image as a good girl, who was smarter than the average bear.
(this is from testing only, and i have been truly humbled by my depressive disorder and alcoholism)
Now, I see how I used these things to keep my "self" separate from "them". Meaning not only husbands or boyfriends, but everybody. I am an observer who only makes the safest move.
Then, the husbands started to lose interest because I held myself apart and separate from them, and then I get desperate and start to act like I think they want me to.
I was driven by fear and ate up with anxiety, but god almighty I was smart.
Geez.
(this is from testing only, and i have been truly humbled by my depressive disorder and alcoholism)
Now, I see how I used these things to keep my "self" separate from "them". Meaning not only husbands or boyfriends, but everybody. I am an observer who only makes the safest move.
Then, the husbands started to lose interest because I held myself apart and separate from them, and then I get desperate and start to act like I think they want me to.
I was driven by fear and ate up with anxiety, but god almighty I was smart.
Geez.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I was driven by fear and ate up with anxiety, but god almighty I was smart
But wicked your post makes me realize I still THINK that way sometimes, even though I've stopped thinking that particular word about others. Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
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I have often wondered what my middle-class cheerleader daughter wanted with boys who were robbing places, beating her, and introduced her to heavy drugs. When she went to rehab I tlked to her tharapist. I truly believe she does feel inherently superior to them, and therefore her sh**TY behavior never looks as bad and the guys get to feel like they have some kind of "good girl" (although that has to be rapidly going down the tubes). I also think she feels special that she has "tamed" this bad boy.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
This is good food for thought.
I've always been attracted to the bad boy, but I always thought it was because of the FUN I have with them. Hmmm...now I need to think about this other perspective. I'm definitely the good girl type, but I have that other personality that likes to come out now and then.
My 17 yo DD wanted to go out with a bad boy last year and I wouldn't let her date him. She was MAAAAAD at me, for about 30 minutes, and got over it. But I knew the kid very well (I was his teacher at the time) and he is one of the most disrespectful students I have ever had.
I've always been attracted to the bad boy, but I always thought it was because of the FUN I have with them. Hmmm...now I need to think about this other perspective. I'm definitely the good girl type, but I have that other personality that likes to come out now and then.
My 17 yo DD wanted to go out with a bad boy last year and I wouldn't let her date him. She was MAAAAAD at me, for about 30 minutes, and got over it. But I knew the kid very well (I was his teacher at the time) and he is one of the most disrespectful students I have ever had.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Ahh - the "bad boy" syndrome -
as I like to call it the "Lady and the Tramp" scenario -
good dog meets bad dog - stays out all nite
good dog suffers consequences
finds out bad dog is really a BAD dog
bad dog sees the error of his ways
true love affects everyone
comes back to save Good Dog
changes into Reformed dog
and they all lived Happily Ever After
Disney needs a 12 step program!!! (oops would that be me taking their inventory)
anyway - did I intentionally seek out the bad guys - I didn't think I did - after all my ex ah wasn't actively drinking or using when we met - but there were other RED FLAGS I just wasnt' healthy enough to see.
Today I pray that God continues to lead me on what is healthy, recovery oriented and HIS plan for my relationships in my life ~ I think I am more aware of what is healthy and unhealthy - thanks to recovery.
I'm working on being more secure with ME so that other person doesn't have to be everything to me ~ they can be as they are meant to be ~ a partner.
HUGS,
Rita
as I like to call it the "Lady and the Tramp" scenario -
good dog meets bad dog - stays out all nite
good dog suffers consequences
finds out bad dog is really a BAD dog
bad dog sees the error of his ways
true love affects everyone
comes back to save Good Dog
changes into Reformed dog
and they all lived Happily Ever After
Disney needs a 12 step program!!! (oops would that be me taking their inventory)
anyway - did I intentionally seek out the bad guys - I didn't think I did - after all my ex ah wasn't actively drinking or using when we met - but there were other RED FLAGS I just wasnt' healthy enough to see.
Today I pray that God continues to lead me on what is healthy, recovery oriented and HIS plan for my relationships in my life ~ I think I am more aware of what is healthy and unhealthy - thanks to recovery.
I'm working on being more secure with ME so that other person doesn't have to be everything to me ~ they can be as they are meant to be ~ a partner.
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
I think I hung out with bad boys for as long as I did (and still do) so that I could continue my own bad behavior and always have someone around to point my finger at, and someone worse than me to make me feel self-righteous.
Many women I have met would not be bothered with me, even though I am decent looking, have a great career, and geniunely care about people. I think it has to do with low self-esteem women or something. They say they want a nice guy, but in reality, always go for the stiffs.
I've been spurned by many a woman due to this, and I've even had a few admit that they regret it once they learned their lesson.
I remember being smitten with a French girl, only to be spurned by her for a cocaine dealer......oh well, not my problem. He eventually kicked her to the curb, and she came sniffing around me again afterwards.....sorry honey, my ship has sailed.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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I just wanted to add that I've always been attracted to the bad by types too. I always thought it was because I was creative or "different" that I had no problem being friends with the troublemakers. I consider myself an overly empathetic person, so I could level with just about anyone.
People who are deviant in every sense of the word intrigue me. What became a problem is when I started to fall in love with those types and continuously put up with it. Sometimes I wonder if I would have laughed and said to AXBF from the very first encounter "pfft. yeah you think you have a chance with me? Clean up your act and then we can talk"
If I had established my boundaries from the get go maybe he would have felt motivated to get his life together and I wasn't invested, so if he didn't then it wouldn't have been so heartbreaking. Because I apparently struggled with assertiveness...slowly any sense of sticking up for what I truly deserve was constantly being chipped away...
I'll be the first to admit since I am into "different" people as well, I am terrified I will always be with someone who is troubled in some shape or form. I am learning to just say no to baggage though. Seems like if you're not a player, or just plain boring...then u have baggage. Yeah, I'm jaded. I hate relationships now. LOL. Who needs therapy?
People who are deviant in every sense of the word intrigue me. What became a problem is when I started to fall in love with those types and continuously put up with it. Sometimes I wonder if I would have laughed and said to AXBF from the very first encounter "pfft. yeah you think you have a chance with me? Clean up your act and then we can talk"
If I had established my boundaries from the get go maybe he would have felt motivated to get his life together and I wasn't invested, so if he didn't then it wouldn't have been so heartbreaking. Because I apparently struggled with assertiveness...slowly any sense of sticking up for what I truly deserve was constantly being chipped away...
I'll be the first to admit since I am into "different" people as well, I am terrified I will always be with someone who is troubled in some shape or form. I am learning to just say no to baggage though. Seems like if you're not a player, or just plain boring...then u have baggage. Yeah, I'm jaded. I hate relationships now. LOL. Who needs therapy?
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
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Someone once made a joke we wouldn't ever be able to take a flight together, because we couldn't afford all the baggage I've got!
Baggage is okay - just depends what you do with it, I guess. EVERYONE has baggage. I wouldn't use it as a determining tool for who's worthy or not.
Baggage is okay - just depends what you do with it, I guess. EVERYONE has baggage. I wouldn't use it as a determining tool for who's worthy or not.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I googled Step Four and got this in the search results. I thought it was interesting. I am working this step again. At least this time I have a Higher Power :O)
...Step 4 where one has to look at changing thoughts and actions from improper actions to proper actions.
Taking a Moral Inventory: A Transformative Experience
Most people are frightened to take a look at themselves or to put it differently at who they have allowed themselves to become. A person projects themselves onto the world using three in built tools: thought, speech, and action. These are essentially neutral tools that can be misused by a person's ego leading to "moral blemishes"or used correctly to not only attain congruency with the infinite, but also to spread the intrinsic quality of loving kindness that flows from the infinite source to help others lead a more fulfilled and "moral" life.
Taking a moral inventory gives the individual a chance to switch his three essential tools of thought, speech, and action from an improper usage to a proper one. This is why most people are scared away from undergoing this process. People are habitual and nothing is more habit forming than the way people live their lives. Most people are used to the way they think, speak, and act and this is precisely why it is so hard to realize that a moral inventory needs to be taken, let alone the actual undertaking of such a process.
If one thinks of the most intense physical workout, the body feels greatly dissatisfied with itself during the workout, but as time goes on the body's ability to function correctly in the world is greatly enhanced by the painful workout. The same can be said for changing one's self morally and spiritually, yet the key to success is the ability and desire to take a moral inventory of one's thoughts, speech, and actions in order to be ready to make amends and transform them into "well oiled"tools for self discovery and development. This is why Bill Wilson focused many of the 12 Steps towards identifying and transforming character flaws into positive character traits.
...Step 4 where one has to look at changing thoughts and actions from improper actions to proper actions.
Taking a Moral Inventory: A Transformative Experience
Most people are frightened to take a look at themselves or to put it differently at who they have allowed themselves to become. A person projects themselves onto the world using three in built tools: thought, speech, and action. These are essentially neutral tools that can be misused by a person's ego leading to "moral blemishes"or used correctly to not only attain congruency with the infinite, but also to spread the intrinsic quality of loving kindness that flows from the infinite source to help others lead a more fulfilled and "moral" life.
Taking a moral inventory gives the individual a chance to switch his three essential tools of thought, speech, and action from an improper usage to a proper one. This is why most people are scared away from undergoing this process. People are habitual and nothing is more habit forming than the way people live their lives. Most people are used to the way they think, speak, and act and this is precisely why it is so hard to realize that a moral inventory needs to be taken, let alone the actual undertaking of such a process.
If one thinks of the most intense physical workout, the body feels greatly dissatisfied with itself during the workout, but as time goes on the body's ability to function correctly in the world is greatly enhanced by the painful workout. The same can be said for changing one's self morally and spiritually, yet the key to success is the ability and desire to take a moral inventory of one's thoughts, speech, and actions in order to be ready to make amends and transform them into "well oiled"tools for self discovery and development. This is why Bill Wilson focused many of the 12 Steps towards identifying and transforming character flaws into positive character traits.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
Gosh, I always thought it was the bad boys who were attracted to me. From second grade on, it was the misbehavingest boy in the class leaving love notes and Tootsie Pops on my desk. Must have been my gentle, compliant demeanor. Were they in for a rude awakening!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think I have done the same thing. I look at my past and have really picked some good ones...ha! I hope I can break this chain and my daughters don't follow my trend!
Your post makes me realize how often I think others are an idiot! I think I need to take a look inwardly. That is always the hardest part.
Hugs to you!
Your post makes me realize how often I think others are an idiot! I think I need to take a look inwardly. That is always the hardest part.
Hugs to you!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi everybody! My computer has been down awhile so I haven't had access to SR much but I wanted to say thank you for sharing. I don't feel so all alone because of your shares. I realize from this thread that I really need to get back into the habit of using the serenity prayer (and prayer in general) as a tool for handling what life throws at me every day.
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