Does anyone relate to this?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
OMGosh Kassie you have really hit onto something for me with this compassion thing. Its got me wondering if there is something wrong with me. A few years back a close friend of mine died. A new work friend of mine was with me when I got the news. I will never forget her reaction to the fact that I had received such news. She rushed over to give me a hug and called me "Sweetie" and said how sorry she was. I didn't remember ever being treated that way in my life. I thought she must really care about me. I have never forgotten it. But it was just SO FOREIGN to me - I could not understand what I had ever done to deserve to be treated so kindly by someone who had not known me long and did not know me very well. I think I likely have NO CLUE what it means to have compassion for myself. I think I am numb somehow but I do not know how. Because I can and have hurt very deeply in my life. I wonder how I can be numb but still cry tears from hurt and emotional pain.
I knew a man once, in the rooms, who used to tell how he had no joy. He KNEW he should feel joy in certain circumstances but just couldn't. He told once how he was with his family on vacation, witnessing what he intellectually knew to be a beautiful sunset, but unable to feel anything. And he knew he was missing out on what everyone else seemed to get. I didnt identify with him then, but looking back on my life now, I see I am very much like him. Thank you Kassie for sharing. Thank you so much.
I knew a man once, in the rooms, who used to tell how he had no joy. He KNEW he should feel joy in certain circumstances but just couldn't. He told once how he was with his family on vacation, witnessing what he intellectually knew to be a beautiful sunset, but unable to feel anything. And he knew he was missing out on what everyone else seemed to get. I didnt identify with him then, but looking back on my life now, I see I am very much like him. Thank you Kassie for sharing. Thank you so much.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
WOW.
I read alot of books by the Dalai Lama...his main teachings are on compassion.
It is harder to learn compassion for ourselves.
I thought it was imlicitly understood as in when we say things such as how would you respond to your best friend if they had this proiblem?
Kassie...there are good marriages.
My parents basically have one..altho' it is not exactly what I want in my own.
We watched the movie fireproof together a couple of days ago.
It is an evangelical Christian movie....but really reflected solidly on what I want from marriage. It was a good lesson for me!
What if you made a vow to love, honor and cherish yourself?
L2L...I hope you get more and more hugs! sometimes I actually wrap my arms around myself and give myself a hug. And I like that.
I read alot of books by the Dalai Lama...his main teachings are on compassion.
It is harder to learn compassion for ourselves.
I thought it was imlicitly understood as in when we say things such as how would you respond to your best friend if they had this proiblem?
Kassie...there are good marriages.
My parents basically have one..altho' it is not exactly what I want in my own.
We watched the movie fireproof together a couple of days ago.
It is an evangelical Christian movie....but really reflected solidly on what I want from marriage. It was a good lesson for me!
What if you made a vow to love, honor and cherish yourself?
L2L...I hope you get more and more hugs! sometimes I actually wrap my arms around myself and give myself a hug. And I like that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I prefer to think of it as learning (and we are meant to continue to learn all our lives) rather than work.
I do suggest that movie...it isn't exactly my religious belief but I can be tolerant and open and learn from many sources.
Try this: in a quiet place all by yourself remember what you looked like when you were little, say 5 yrs old or so, and ask her, that inner part of yourself that we usually keep repressed, "how are you" what would you like?", then listen as a loving parent.
It is really an amazing and powerful excercise.
We were talking about it in the codepentcy thread in newcomers daily today.
I do suggest that movie...it isn't exactly my religious belief but I can be tolerant and open and learn from many sources.
Try this: in a quiet place all by yourself remember what you looked like when you were little, say 5 yrs old or so, and ask her, that inner part of yourself that we usually keep repressed, "how are you" what would you like?", then listen as a loving parent.
It is really an amazing and powerful excercise.
We were talking about it in the codepentcy thread in newcomers daily today.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Hi Kassie,
I went thru something similiar as you know. One day he just stopped wanting to work things out and jumped ship - I was beyond shocked hurt betrayed etc. Later on it came out he had met someone. When I realized I was so easily replaced in his eyes, I filed for divorce. I had to come to terms with the fact that I didnt want to be with someone who didnt want to be with me 100%. I could have kept playing the game with him. I think he expected me too. I left. I spent months in a fetal position crying, took a leave of absence from work and was embarrassed about it. Almost put my career in the gutter. I was trying to figure out why me and how did this happen. Time healed me. Alanon healed me. SR healed me.
My closure was realizing I would NEVER have closure. His own needs surpassed anyone else's and if he had to step on me or anyone to get them met, he wouldnt even flinch. He used to be a good man. Everyone loved him and would tell me how lucky I was to have found him and I used to miss those days and wished he would still be that person. But he wasnt anymore. And I wasnt the same either. I know the stigma of divorce and I know you dont want another one. I think originally I didnt want D because I am 35 and really wanted babies even with an A ( my stand has changed since then). I no longer plan my life. I just live it as I want to. It takes a while to get to this point but yes, I also jumped ship when I couldnt take it anymore.
Kassie I wont send love or hugs because that has been covered. I will send COURAGE STRENGTH AND HOPE. Face the man in your mirror.
Ok just one ((HUG))
Lulu
I went thru something similiar as you know. One day he just stopped wanting to work things out and jumped ship - I was beyond shocked hurt betrayed etc. Later on it came out he had met someone. When I realized I was so easily replaced in his eyes, I filed for divorce. I had to come to terms with the fact that I didnt want to be with someone who didnt want to be with me 100%. I could have kept playing the game with him. I think he expected me too. I left. I spent months in a fetal position crying, took a leave of absence from work and was embarrassed about it. Almost put my career in the gutter. I was trying to figure out why me and how did this happen. Time healed me. Alanon healed me. SR healed me.
My closure was realizing I would NEVER have closure. His own needs surpassed anyone else's and if he had to step on me or anyone to get them met, he wouldnt even flinch. He used to be a good man. Everyone loved him and would tell me how lucky I was to have found him and I used to miss those days and wished he would still be that person. But he wasnt anymore. And I wasnt the same either. I know the stigma of divorce and I know you dont want another one. I think originally I didnt want D because I am 35 and really wanted babies even with an A ( my stand has changed since then). I no longer plan my life. I just live it as I want to. It takes a while to get to this point but yes, I also jumped ship when I couldnt take it anymore.
Kassie I wont send love or hugs because that has been covered. I will send COURAGE STRENGTH AND HOPE. Face the man in your mirror.
Ok just one ((HUG))
Lulu
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-14-a.html
dang I am no good at computer stuff..don't know how to link
sorry
hey! it worked!
I learned something! it didn't look right when it came up from pasting
dang I am no good at computer stuff..don't know how to link
sorry
hey! it worked!
I learned something! it didn't look right when it came up from pasting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
L2L - Took awhile to think about what you said and realized that while I am good at the words and thoughts - you are not alone in wondering where are my feelings? where am I in all of this?
Lulu, nice to hear from you. Glad you are doing well. Thanks for the courage, strength and hope - not feeling it yet but know it will come ( at least I think it does). I know you had a difficult time, and I would say that you have a lot of life yet to go. I don't feel way about my age, and as much as I was wanting to avoid another D, I know that I am not supposed to live this way - just can't get to the doing part.
Live - thanks for the info.
Lulu, nice to hear from you. Glad you are doing well. Thanks for the courage, strength and hope - not feeling it yet but know it will come ( at least I think it does). I know you had a difficult time, and I would say that you have a lot of life yet to go. I don't feel way about my age, and as much as I was wanting to avoid another D, I know that I am not supposed to live this way - just can't get to the doing part.
Live - thanks for the info.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by lulu1974 
Hi Kassie,
I went thru something similiar as you know. One day he just stopped wanting to work things out and jumped ship - I was beyond shocked hurt betrayed etc. Later on it came out he had met someone. When I realized I was so easily replaced in his eyes, I filed for divorce. I had to come to terms with the fact that I didnt want to be with someone who didnt want to be with me 100%. I could have kept playing the game with him. I think he expected me too. I left. I spent months in a fetal position crying, took a leave of absence from work and was embarrassed about it. Almost put my career in the gutter. I was trying to figure out why me and how did this happen. Time healed me. Alanon healed me. SR healed me.
My closure was realizing I would NEVER have closure. His own needs surpassed anyone else's and if he had to step on me or anyone to get them met, he wouldnt even flinch. He used to be a good man. Everyone loved him and would tell me how lucky I was to have found him and I used to miss those days and wished he would still be that person. But he wasnt anymore. And I wasnt the same either. I know the stigma of divorce and I know you dont want another one. I think originally I didnt want D because I am 35 and really wanted babies even with an A ( my stand has changed since then). I no longer plan my life. I just live it as I want to. It takes a while to get to this point but yes, I also jumped ship when I couldnt take it anymore.
Kassie I wont send love or hugs because that has been covered. I will send COURAGE STRENGTH AND HOPE. Face the man in your mirror.
Ok just one ((HUG))
Lulu
I went thru something similiar as you know. One day he just stopped wanting to work things out and jumped ship - I was beyond shocked hurt betrayed etc. Later on it came out he had met someone. When I realized I was so easily replaced in his eyes, I filed for divorce. I had to come to terms with the fact that I didnt want to be with someone who didnt want to be with me 100%. I could have kept playing the game with him. I think he expected me too. I left. I spent months in a fetal position crying, took a leave of absence from work and was embarrassed about it. Almost put my career in the gutter. I was trying to figure out why me and how did this happen. Time healed me. Alanon healed me. SR healed me.
My closure was realizing I would NEVER have closure. His own needs surpassed anyone else's and if he had to step on me or anyone to get them met, he wouldnt even flinch. He used to be a good man. Everyone loved him and would tell me how lucky I was to have found him and I used to miss those days and wished he would still be that person. But he wasnt anymore. And I wasnt the same either. I know the stigma of divorce and I know you dont want another one. I think originally I didnt want D because I am 35 and really wanted babies even with an A ( my stand has changed since then). I no longer plan my life. I just live it as I want to. It takes a while to get to this point but yes, I also jumped ship when I couldnt take it anymore.
Kassie I wont send love or hugs because that has been covered. I will send COURAGE STRENGTH AND HOPE. Face the man in your mirror.
Ok just one ((HUG))
Lulu
It's weird, we get together with certain people and it is WONDERFUL for some period of time, and then they CHANGE. It has happened to me SO MANY times. It is just so confusing and heartwrenching and I spend "months in a fetal position crying" like LuLu described. Sooner or later I am just going to have to accept that Yes, people change and No, you cannot make them go back to the way they were in the beginning, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, no matter how much time, money, effort, blood, sweat and tears, you expend.
Thanks for the awesome thread you guys.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I certainly appreciate that others are visiting the same path or walking one nearby. That is the reason I posted - looking for company at the place I am at and seeking support for my journey. Just knew others were going that way too and it just helps me to read that and here from you.
This is a touch journey for me. My concern has been how to do deal with me and all the emotions that I have. Facing reality has been hardest in the sense that we really get tested on the not having control over others and their choices. Such an eye opener to experience this in my daily life with another adult who "can" choose to not be with me any longer. It is hard to not take it personally but I couldn't live with him the way he was.
Just hoping others can be patient while I continue to process my thoughts and feelings. Finally getting to this place and feeling safe and supported by you all. HUGE THANKS!
This is a touch journey for me. My concern has been how to do deal with me and all the emotions that I have. Facing reality has been hardest in the sense that we really get tested on the not having control over others and their choices. Such an eye opener to experience this in my daily life with another adult who "can" choose to not be with me any longer. It is hard to not take it personally but I couldn't live with him the way he was.
Just hoping others can be patient while I continue to process my thoughts and feelings. Finally getting to this place and feeling safe and supported by you all. HUGE THANKS!
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