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why, oh why do I put up with this BS???!

Old 08-15-2010, 06:05 AM
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Angry why, oh why do I put up with this BS???!

My AH and I have been married 11 years and we have 2 little ones. He has been drinking heavy for at least the past 6 years. He has gotten to the point when he drinks he gets mean (verbally abusive). I try to keep it together for my kids because I worry if we divorce he will get joint custody & something will happen to them while he is drunk & they are under his care! Last night we went to a family cook-out and he got wasted & made a scene in front of his whole family and my kids. He tried to take the keys & leave & he couldn't even walk! I took my kids and left him there...haven't heard a word from his today & now I am starting to feel guilty. I feel like his family will blame me for this.......I just feel so lost sometimes.........Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Do people drink because they are unhappy in their lives or do they just try to find someone/something to blame to justify their actions???
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:11 AM
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People drink for all sorts of reasons. It doesn't do any good to try to figure out why someone else drinks. All you need to worry about is whether or not living in that situation is detrimental to you and your children. Fear of the unknown is not a good reason, IMO. You have no reason to feel guilty. You removed yourself and your children from a volatile situation. Perhaps a visit with an attorney can help you make well-informed decisions about the future of you and your children.
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:22 AM
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caligirl,

He won't get full custody of the children. At most you'll get joint 50/50. Alcoholics aren't active parents, and he likely wouldn't even fight you about custody, not seriously. He'd say he was going to, but he wouldn't.

Get a consult with an attorney, the initial consult is usually free. You need to know your options (rather than imagining what they are) so you can form a plan.

And stop feeling guilty (easy to say, I know). You didn't force him to drink and make an ass out of himself. It's not your issue, it's his.
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
My AH and I have been married 11 years and we have 2 little ones. He has been drinking heavy for at least the past 6 years. He has gotten to the point when he drinks he gets mean (verbally abusive). I try to keep it together for my kids because I worry if we divorce he will get joint custody & something will happen to them while he is drunk & they are under his care! Last night we went to a family cook-out and he got wasted & made a scene in front of his whole family and my kids. He tried to take the keys & leave & he couldn't even walk! I took my kids and left him there...haven't heard a word from his today & now I am starting to feel guilty. I feel like his family will blame me for this.......I just feel so lost sometimes.........Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Do people drink because they are unhappy in their lives or do they just try to find someone/something to blame to justify their actions???
Blame you for what???? His drinking? His behavior? Your prioritizing the safety of you and your children? You didn't cause his drinking, especially if it is out of control (possibly alcoholism) and you can't cure it. Until he is ready to admit he has a problem and seek a solution, you can expect things to get worse, not better. Fear of the future if you divorce must take a second place to fear of the future if you don't. If you are thinking about leaving, I'd suggest you begin documenting...objectively....his behaviors, drinking patterns, etc. Courts are familiar with the dangers of drunks caring for children, and I suspect that you would be a far better caretaker of your children if you were willing to cease tolerating his behavior which, there's no denying...puts you and the kids at risk. Furthermore, I know lots of alcoholics who have recovered by going to court mandated treatment....which could be part of any divorce proceeding.

We need not fear fear. But we need to have the courage to do what is necessary despite our fears.

Q...has there been any serious discussion of his drinking re: possibly being an alcoholic, perhaps checking out AA? Personally, I think you should immediately find an Alanon meeting, where you'll find the support from likeminded people who have walked in your shoes. If you are unfamiliar with Alanon/AA, use google to educate yourself.

blessings
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:34 AM
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Welcome back Cali!

It has been a few weeks since your last post. It appears the cycle continues. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will continue to get worse, not better. Have you taken any steps to make changes for yourself?

I found Alanon meetings a source of calm. One hour of serenity. A place to exhale and be around people that understood what it felt like to live with active alcoholism. Just like being here, but with real, sober hugs if needed.

Here is a link to some recommended steps for families of alcoholics:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted by zbear23 View Post

Q...has there been any serious discussion of his drinking re: possibly being an alcoholic, perhaps checking out AA? Personally, I think you should immediately find an Alanon meeting, where you'll find the support from likeminded people who have walked in your shoes. If you are unfamiliar with Alanon/AA, use google to educate yourself.

blessings
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Oh yes, we have discussed the fact that he is an alcoholic so, so many times. He has admitted to it and then taken it back more times than I can count. He thinks I have "brainwashed" him into believing he really is one! He has been to several AA meetings but never follows thru and yes I have been seeing a counselor & have been to Alanon meetings...I have tried everything and I am getting nowhere but more and more hurt...
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:41 AM
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How long did you attend Al-anon? It's important to attend Al-anon meetings in the same way we expect the alcoholic to attend AA meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps.

Even so, if the situation continues to deteriorate, then decisions need to be made regarding whether or not to continue with the current living arrangements. Again, a visit with an attorney can help you in that area.
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:43 AM
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Too bad we can't meet for breakfast. You already know your own answers, you just can't see the forest for the trees CaliGirl.
why, oh why do I put up with this BS???!
Maybe because of this:
I am starting to feel guilty.
And this:
I feel like his family will blame me for this.......
And this:
because I worry if we divorce he will get joint custody & something will happen to them while he is drunk & they are under his care!
And maybe because you are unsure about this:
Do people drink because they are unhappy in their lives or do they just try to find someone/something to blame to justify their actions???
IMO, Recovery from codependence centers around recognizing, fighting, and overcoming Blame, Shame and Guilt. And learning Control, Acceptance, and some other stuff (like that technical term?)

Please go to Al-Anon. There you will learn these tools and many more to help you deal with the situation you are in with the alcoholic. For now, please know that blame, shame and guilt are MECHANISMS the alcoholic uses and we fall "victim" to, that keep us in the relationship and keep us enabling the alcoholic. They are a way of THINKING that create a way of FEELING and a way of BEHAVING. You have to un-learn them and get them completely out of your life. You cannot un-learn them if you do not recognize them or acknowledge you are using them. You begin to change these things by changing your perspective. You do that by any means a human being Learns anything. SR is a good start. Al-Anon is better. It's just not as convenient as SR.

About your "reason" for not getting divorced? It makes no sense. You would remain in a situation you want out of in order to continue to THINK that you have, or can have, control over something you have no control over? There is a lot of denial here also, hon. You had children with an alcoholic. You cannot change that. Now you want to try to control the alcoholic, control yourself, control the environment to compensate for the fact that the kids' dad is an alcoholic. I personally do not see that as a manageable way to live my life but IDK, maybe you are stronger and more resourceful than me.

In addition, when I read just the description of his behavior at the cook-out, I wonder if the kids' exposure to their dad's drunken, unhealthy behavior and ways of thinking and relating 24 hours a day, seven days a week, are not causing MORE damage than a possible accident that might occur while under a shared custody agreement that he may or may not even ask for in a divorce, or may or may not be granted by a judge some years in the future, or which may or may not occur on a bi-weekly or other visit that may or may not occur in the future. Whew!

Take care of yourself. Find an Al-Anon meeting CaliGirl. Get some support from people in your community who will strengthen you. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
Oh yes, we have discussed the fact that he is an alcoholic so, so many times. He has admitted to it and then taken it back more times than I can count. He thinks I have "brainwashed" him into believing he really is one! He has been to several AA meetings but never follows thru and yes I have been seeing a counselor & have been to Alanon meetings...I have tried everything and I am getting nowhere but more and more hurt...
Cali. Many people will not agree with me, but based on many years of intimate work with those in relationships with alcoholics/addicts, I have no doubt that most often the "codependent" is also chemically dependent, and the drug of choice is adrenaline. It is accessed by stuff like fear, anger, outrage, hopelessness, failed attempt to rescue the addict, disappointments, tilting at windmills, etc. If you examine the caring/helping professions,, like nurses, police, firefighters, etc., you'll find a very large percentage are in fact adrenaline junkies (excitement being the trigger for many of them....crisis management, rescuing, chaos, conflict, etc).

This is one explanation why, despite any rational thinking, people remain in relationships with addicts and other abusive partners. Adrenaline is one of the most powerful drugs on the planet, designed eons ago in the service of fight or flight. It makes us literally more powerful than we are normally. It is quite a rush. And the crash can be terribly depressing. We needed it to be alert to sabre tooth tigers. Not so much any more<G>.

The solution that I've witnessed is just the same as that of the alcoholic....a psychic shift brought on by a spiritual awakening. A paradigm shift, so to speak, in which you focus on your own fears: your thoughts, feelings and behaviors; how you have come to perceive yourself in your world, and are you willing to give up the "mind altering" addictive drug to become self regulated by love rather than fear. I regard the entire problem as one of self loathing and the journey into self love.

Anger is an addictive drug. Period. And, like other drugs, seldom does it provide any positive solution to problems.

blessings
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:29 AM
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When he finally stumbled in he didn't even apologize......said he can't remember a thing that happened. That makes me feel so much better...wonder what else he has done in one of his alcoholic stupors?? Geez..when will I ever learn???
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:43 AM
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You don't have to put up with it, you know. As bad as it feels to you, it feels so much worse to your children. They don't have a voice in this, but you do. If you won't make changes for yourself, please do it for your kids.
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:55 AM
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I can't add a thing to the excellent advice and guidance you've been given here.

You need to clear your thinking so you can make good decisions for your future and that of your kids.

Please go back to Al-Anon.
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