Emotional Sobriety vs. Emotional "Dry Drunk"
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Emotional Sobriety vs. Emotional "Dry Drunk"
I think I have finally come to the point where I can stand no more.
I have been fooling myself - thinking that the last 4 years without so much as a functional relationship of any kind with a member of the opposite sex was a proactive choice - something I did on purpose in order to reset a broken picker. That it was something I was doing in order to get better.
I see now that the last 4 years have been, for me, like the difference between a sober drunk and a dry one. Emotionally, I have been dry...just not sober.
Having to continually fight against my childhood experiences and my adult romantic experiences has affected every area of my life. I am chronically underemployed because that kind of job only requires the most basic of participation - my mind is not involved in it, so therefore no judgement can hurt me. I relate to no one - also so no judgement can hurt me. I am constantly preoccupied with the pain and misery in my head and I see now it is even affecting my relationship with my children. I take them places but I don't really engage - I am afraid of getting too involved. And they can sense that I'm not really there in mind, just in body. They constantly act out just to get my attention.
I thought that I was getting better one way, but I am really getting better in another which will lead me to the one that I really want. I am starting to become aware of the true nature of the problem [abandonment issues] which - when I attack it full force with therapy (which I plan on doing just as soon as the kids start school again) will get me healed.
And once that begins to happen, I can begin to both move away from the memories of the past love which still gives me nightmares (classic love addict/love avoider - guess which one I was) and move towards someone who will love me even though I struggle, make mistakes and sweat it out once in a while. Someone who can see my beauty, intelligence, poetry. Someone who can admire that even when I don't get it all right, I don't stop trying. Even if it means I keep trying on my knees.
I have often bewailed the fact here on SR that God is silent, and wondered why I can't have someone to love me and be loved in return. I think I get it. Once I get this abandonment/love addict thing worked over and repair my relationship with myself, then I can work on my relationship with my kids, then the world...and maybe then I can find that someone. But if I can't fix the one I have with myself, I have nothing to offer anyway.
See what kind of revelations can come to you on 4 hours of sleep?
And yes, I am working on changing my name. Stop nagging already!
I have been fooling myself - thinking that the last 4 years without so much as a functional relationship of any kind with a member of the opposite sex was a proactive choice - something I did on purpose in order to reset a broken picker. That it was something I was doing in order to get better.
I see now that the last 4 years have been, for me, like the difference between a sober drunk and a dry one. Emotionally, I have been dry...just not sober.
Having to continually fight against my childhood experiences and my adult romantic experiences has affected every area of my life. I am chronically underemployed because that kind of job only requires the most basic of participation - my mind is not involved in it, so therefore no judgement can hurt me. I relate to no one - also so no judgement can hurt me. I am constantly preoccupied with the pain and misery in my head and I see now it is even affecting my relationship with my children. I take them places but I don't really engage - I am afraid of getting too involved. And they can sense that I'm not really there in mind, just in body. They constantly act out just to get my attention.
I thought that I was getting better one way, but I am really getting better in another which will lead me to the one that I really want. I am starting to become aware of the true nature of the problem [abandonment issues] which - when I attack it full force with therapy (which I plan on doing just as soon as the kids start school again) will get me healed.
And once that begins to happen, I can begin to both move away from the memories of the past love which still gives me nightmares (classic love addict/love avoider - guess which one I was) and move towards someone who will love me even though I struggle, make mistakes and sweat it out once in a while. Someone who can see my beauty, intelligence, poetry. Someone who can admire that even when I don't get it all right, I don't stop trying. Even if it means I keep trying on my knees.
I have often bewailed the fact here on SR that God is silent, and wondered why I can't have someone to love me and be loved in return. I think I get it. Once I get this abandonment/love addict thing worked over and repair my relationship with myself, then I can work on my relationship with my kids, then the world...and maybe then I can find that someone. But if I can't fix the one I have with myself, I have nothing to offer anyway.
See what kind of revelations can come to you on 4 hours of sleep?
And yes, I am working on changing my name. Stop nagging already!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Thank you for your post. It seems like I can always come here and find one person that I can relate to. That is such a gift to me.
I quoted the part below because that in particular spoke to me. There was a completely minor, insignificant, event two nights ago and I laughed. One of my kids wistfully said 'Aww Mom, I wish you were happy all the time. Not just plain, but all the way happy.' I spent the entire day last Sunday with the two older one's doing a thing we enjoyed. It was fun. They asked me 20 times if I was having fun. Can't they tell? Is it so hard to believe? What has happened to me.
Where did I go? I'm so tired. I can't think where I went or why I can't get back.
I quoted the part below because that in particular spoke to me. There was a completely minor, insignificant, event two nights ago and I laughed. One of my kids wistfully said 'Aww Mom, I wish you were happy all the time. Not just plain, but all the way happy.' I spent the entire day last Sunday with the two older one's doing a thing we enjoyed. It was fun. They asked me 20 times if I was having fun. Can't they tell? Is it so hard to believe? What has happened to me.
Where did I go? I'm so tired. I can't think where I went or why I can't get back.
Originally Posted by DirtMagnet 
I relate to no one - also so no judgement can hurt me. I am constantly preoccupied with the pain and misery in my head and I see now it is even affecting my relationship with my children. I take them places but I don't really engage - I am afraid of getting too involved. And they can sense that I'm not really there in mind, just in body. They constantly act out just to get my attention.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Dear SG 
That someone is you.
To find that kind of love from another person - the love we feel we deserve.
Love me despite my faults and never hurt me. That would be so awesome to find that person if he exists.
I watched "when a man loves a woman" again last night. I love Andy Garcia - he will do. Those eyes
And once that begins to happen, I can begin to both move away from the memories of the past love which still gives me nightmares (classic love addict/love avoider - guess which one I was) and move towards someone who will love me even though I struggle, make mistakes and sweat it out once in a while. Someone who can see my beauty, intelligence, poetry. Someone who can admire that even when I don't get it all right, I don't stop trying. Even if it means I keep trying on my knees.
To find that kind of love from another person - the love we feel we deserve.
Love me despite my faults and never hurt me. That would be so awesome to find that person if he exists.
I watched "when a man loves a woman" again last night. I love Andy Garcia - he will do. Those eyes
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by ChrrisT
Dear SG
That someone is you.
To find that kind of love from another person - the love we feel we deserve.
Love me despite my faults and never hurt me. That would be so awesome to find that person if he exists.
I watched "when a man loves a woman" again last night. I love Andy Garcia - he will do. Those eyes
That someone is you.
To find that kind of love from another person - the love we feel we deserve.
Love me despite my faults and never hurt me. That would be so awesome to find that person if he exists.
I watched "when a man loves a woman" again last night. I love Andy Garcia - he will do. Those eyes
Weird, I googled him and read where he was born with a "dead conjoined twin" on his left shoulder?
Hey, but rest ez, it was removed surgically shortly after he was born. Ha!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by DirtMagnet
I think I have finally come to the point where I can stand no more.
I have been fooling myself - thinking that the last 4 years without so much as a functional relationship of any kind with a member of the opposite sex was a proactive choice - something I did on purpose in order to reset a broken picker. That it was something I was doing in order to get better.
I see now that the last 4 years have been, for me, like the difference between a sober drunk and a dry one. Emotionally, I have been dry...just not sober.
Having to continually fight against my childhood experiences and my adult romantic experiences has affected every area of my life. I am chronically underemployed because that kind of job only requires the most basic of participation - my mind is not involved in it, so therefore no judgement can hurt me. I relate to no one - also so no judgement can hurt me. I am constantly preoccupied with the pain and misery in my head and I see now it is even affecting my relationship with my children. I take them places but I don't really engage - I am afraid of getting too involved. And they can sense that I'm not really there in mind, just in body. They constantly act out just to get my attention.
I thought that I was getting better one way, but I am really getting better in another which will lead me to the one that I really want. I am starting to become aware of the true nature of the problem [abandonment issues] which - when I attack it full force with therapy (which I plan on doing just as soon as the kids start school again) will get me healed.
And once that begins to happen, I can begin to both move away from the memories of the past love which still gives me nightmares (classic love addict/love avoider - guess which one I was) and move towards someone who will love me even though I struggle, make mistakes and sweat it out once in a while. Someone who can see my beauty, intelligence, poetry. Someone who can admire that even when I don't get it all right, I don't stop trying. Even if it means I keep trying on my knees.
I have often bewailed the fact here on SR that God is silent, and wondered why I can't have someone to love me and be loved in return. I think I get it. Once I get this abandonment/love addict thing worked over and repair my relationship with myself, then I can work on my relationship with my kids, then the world...and maybe then I can find that someone. But if I can't fix the one I have with myself, I have nothing to offer anyway.
See what kind of revelations can come to you on 4 hours of sleep?
And yes, I am working on changing my name. Stop nagging already!
I have been fooling myself - thinking that the last 4 years without so much as a functional relationship of any kind with a member of the opposite sex was a proactive choice - something I did on purpose in order to reset a broken picker. That it was something I was doing in order to get better.
I see now that the last 4 years have been, for me, like the difference between a sober drunk and a dry one. Emotionally, I have been dry...just not sober.
Having to continually fight against my childhood experiences and my adult romantic experiences has affected every area of my life. I am chronically underemployed because that kind of job only requires the most basic of participation - my mind is not involved in it, so therefore no judgement can hurt me. I relate to no one - also so no judgement can hurt me. I am constantly preoccupied with the pain and misery in my head and I see now it is even affecting my relationship with my children. I take them places but I don't really engage - I am afraid of getting too involved. And they can sense that I'm not really there in mind, just in body. They constantly act out just to get my attention.
I thought that I was getting better one way, but I am really getting better in another which will lead me to the one that I really want. I am starting to become aware of the true nature of the problem [abandonment issues] which - when I attack it full force with therapy (which I plan on doing just as soon as the kids start school again) will get me healed.
And once that begins to happen, I can begin to both move away from the memories of the past love which still gives me nightmares (classic love addict/love avoider - guess which one I was) and move towards someone who will love me even though I struggle, make mistakes and sweat it out once in a while. Someone who can see my beauty, intelligence, poetry. Someone who can admire that even when I don't get it all right, I don't stop trying. Even if it means I keep trying on my knees.
I have often bewailed the fact here on SR that God is silent, and wondered why I can't have someone to love me and be loved in return. I think I get it. Once I get this abandonment/love addict thing worked over and repair my relationship with myself, then I can work on my relationship with my kids, then the world...and maybe then I can find that someone. But if I can't fix the one I have with myself, I have nothing to offer anyway.
See what kind of revelations can come to you on 4 hours of sleep?
And yes, I am working on changing my name. Stop nagging already!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm no expert at anything really but you got me thinking.
I think that in the end, this:
Is supposed to be YOU.
And this:
Is supposed to be God.
I think that in the end, this:
Someone who can see my beauty, intelligence, poetry. Someone who can admire that even when I don't get it all right, I don't stop trying. Even if it means I keep trying on my knees.
And this:
someone who will love me even though I struggle, make mistakes and sweat it out once in a while.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Yes, I ordered the Damn Book. Should be here tomorrow or Wednesday - defintely in time for my bday. My last 2 decades of birthdays have been so crappy that this year I am starting a tradition of cracking open a new, uplifting, spiritual self-help book to help me move forward and find out how to love myself. Of course, a manicure and some sushi might help a little too....
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