The Damn Book-Preface/Chapter 1
Awakening
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Well heck, guess I'll start!
In the preface, the author lists "what is abandonment"? Well, her list pretty much covers everybody. Which is actually pretty comforting, she describes abandonment as pretty much a "universal" experience. So we are all in good company. IOW, not something WE did wrong, or anything we could have even avoided, good news to me.
The main thought that spoke to me in the 1st chapter-middle of page 11, is her notion that some of us have an invisible drain deep within that works insidiously to siphon off self worth, like a slow, internal bleed. The paradox for these folks is when they try to rebuild self esteem by doing esteemable things, their deep wound is always draining it away.
Man, that's me. I know mine is related to my childhood when my mom used to leave me at gparents, 3 hours away, so she could work in the big city. I remember crying on Sunday evenings like my soul was being ripped out. Sunday evenings she had to leave from her weekend visits to go back to the city.
I don't know anything she could have done differently, but when a sig-other leaves me, it feels EXACTLY like being 5yo again. And Sundays STILL feel uncomfortable for me 50 some odd years later.
Funny, I've been aware of this connection for 20-30 years, but always felt like, "dude, your frickin grown, grab a nut, get over it already". Hum, I don't think so. Finally letting go of the shame of this feeling, might be some different for us guys? IDK.
Thoughts?
Next!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. In my first post, hit some wrong button and submitted only the 1st sentence.
In the preface, the author lists "what is abandonment"? Well, her list pretty much covers everybody. Which is actually pretty comforting, she describes abandonment as pretty much a "universal" experience. So we are all in good company. IOW, not something WE did wrong, or anything we could have even avoided, good news to me.
The main thought that spoke to me in the 1st chapter-middle of page 11, is her notion that some of us have an invisible drain deep within that works insidiously to siphon off self worth, like a slow, internal bleed. The paradox for these folks is when they try to rebuild self esteem by doing esteemable things, their deep wound is always draining it away.
Man, that's me. I know mine is related to my childhood when my mom used to leave me at gparents, 3 hours away, so she could work in the big city. I remember crying on Sunday evenings like my soul was being ripped out. Sunday evenings she had to leave from her weekend visits to go back to the city.
I don't know anything she could have done differently, but when a sig-other leaves me, it feels EXACTLY like being 5yo again. And Sundays STILL feel uncomfortable for me 50 some odd years later.
Funny, I've been aware of this connection for 20-30 years, but always felt like, "dude, your frickin grown, grab a nut, get over it already". Hum, I don't think so. Finally letting go of the shame of this feeling, might be some different for us guys? IDK.
Thoughts?
Next!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. In my first post, hit some wrong button and submitted only the 1st sentence.
Awakening
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Coyote, I'm sorry for your pain.
You are very funny though!---Grab a nut...
You are very funny though!---Grab a nut...
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Well I've read the first chapter and preface. I wonder what's about to unfold in this book. I also wonder if I really will benefit from it! I haven't idealised my XAH. I don't yearn for him. But I do beat myself up for perceived failings. I am disconnected to my emotions a lot of the time. I guess I will just have to stick with it and see!
Thanks for doing this!
Thanks for doing this!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I have not gotten through Chapter 1 yet. But what stuck out for me from the Preface was from page 4, where she says that the healing process in the book isn't limited to just your CURRENT loss, that it applies to past losses too. She describes a "cumulative wound" where all the disappointments and breakups from throughout your life have been affecting you. She says that unresolved abandonment may be responsible for a lot of things like insecurity, depression, anxiety, obsessive and compulsive behaviors, low energy and self-esteem. That we resort to quick fixes and gratification with food, alcohol, shopping, people, and/or self-help because of unresolved loss/abandonment.
I still have a hard time accepting that I am walking around wounded, that these old things I am sure I got over long ago are not "bubbling under the surface" and affecting my life right now. But I am going to do this study and book club anyway because I believe there may just be a possibility that what she is saying is my truth.
In response to Coyote's post: I can totally see why it would be difficult for anyone, men and women but yes, especially men, to admit that they had these feelings and fears, and that they STILL have these feelings and fears. I can see why you would FEEL ashamed to admit this but I don't think you SHOULD feel ashamed. I personally don't think there is ANYTHING here to be ashamed about, especially given that what you described is just so HUMAN. I also think that the process of FACING our selves, including our fears, etc (whatever there is that makes us feel ashamed to admit) is what makes us truly grow. It's not in standing strong and being stoic that we mature. It is quite the opposite. At least that is my opinion. I think that a person who faces him or herself, who admits what has gone on with them and what is going on with them, is the person who is courageous.
I still have a hard time accepting that I am walking around wounded, that these old things I am sure I got over long ago are not "bubbling under the surface" and affecting my life right now. But I am going to do this study and book club anyway because I believe there may just be a possibility that what she is saying is my truth.
In response to Coyote's post: I can totally see why it would be difficult for anyone, men and women but yes, especially men, to admit that they had these feelings and fears, and that they STILL have these feelings and fears. I can see why you would FEEL ashamed to admit this but I don't think you SHOULD feel ashamed. I personally don't think there is ANYTHING here to be ashamed about, especially given that what you described is just so HUMAN. I also think that the process of FACING our selves, including our fears, etc (whatever there is that makes us feel ashamed to admit) is what makes us truly grow. It's not in standing strong and being stoic that we mature. It is quite the opposite. At least that is my opinion. I think that a person who faces him or herself, who admits what has gone on with them and what is going on with them, is the person who is courageous.
Awakening
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
I have not gotten through Chapter 1 yet. But what stuck out for me from the Preface was from page 4, where she says that the healing process in the book isn't limited to just your CURRENT loss, that it applies to past losses too. She describes a "cumulative wound" where all the disappointments and breakups from throughout your life have been affecting you. She says that unresolved abandonment may be responsible for a lot of things like insecurity, depression, anxiety, obsessive and compulsive behaviors, low energy and self-esteem. That we resort to quick fixes and gratification with food, alcohol, shopping, people, and/or self-help because of unresolved loss/abandonment.
I can definitely see the "cumulative wound" concept. I'm an only child of an only child and have buried my whole little family of origin, along with many, many childhood/adulthood pets. Seems like every thing/person I've ever loved sometimes. Not to say "poor, pitiful coyote. Just the facts. Most people who live this long would probably have the same loses.
These "facts" have never stopped me from "getting back on the horse" out of fear, but I bet the "facts" have influenced my behavior, without my permission/knowledge.
I still have a hard time accepting that I am walking around wounded, that these old things I am sure I got over long ago are not "bubbling under the surface" and affecting my life right now. But I am going to do this study and book club anyway because I believe there may just be a possibility that what she is saying is my truth.
Not me, somethings wrong, and goddamnit, I want to know what.
In response to Coyote's post: I can totally see why it would be difficult for anyone, men and women but yes, especially men, to admit that they had these feelings and fears, and that they STILL have these feelings and fears. I can see why you would FEEL ashamed to admit this but I don't think you SHOULD feel ashamed. I personally don't think there is ANYTHING here to be ashamed about, especially given that what you described is just so HUMAN. I also think that the process of FACING our selves, including our fears, etc (whatever there is that makes us feel ashamed to admit) is what makes us truly grow. It's not in standing strong and being stoic that we mature. It is quite the opposite. At least that is my opinion. I think that a person who faces him or herself, who admits what has gone on with them and what is going on with them, is the person who is courageous.
I can definitely see the "cumulative wound" concept. I'm an only child of an only child and have buried my whole little family of origin, along with many, many childhood/adulthood pets. Seems like every thing/person I've ever loved sometimes. Not to say "poor, pitiful coyote. Just the facts. Most people who live this long would probably have the same loses.
These "facts" have never stopped me from "getting back on the horse" out of fear, but I bet the "facts" have influenced my behavior, without my permission/knowledge.
I still have a hard time accepting that I am walking around wounded, that these old things I am sure I got over long ago are not "bubbling under the surface" and affecting my life right now. But I am going to do this study and book club anyway because I believe there may just be a possibility that what she is saying is my truth.
Not me, somethings wrong, and goddamnit, I want to know what.
In response to Coyote's post: I can totally see why it would be difficult for anyone, men and women but yes, especially men, to admit that they had these feelings and fears, and that they STILL have these feelings and fears. I can see why you would FEEL ashamed to admit this but I don't think you SHOULD feel ashamed. I personally don't think there is ANYTHING here to be ashamed about, especially given that what you described is just so HUMAN. I also think that the process of FACING our selves, including our fears, etc (whatever there is that makes us feel ashamed to admit) is what makes us truly grow. It's not in standing strong and being stoic that we mature. It is quite the opposite. At least that is my opinion. I think that a person who faces him or herself, who admits what has gone on with them and what is going on with them, is the person who is courageous.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. Where's Beth......hope she's not "rocking in a corner" some where!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by isurvived
Yeah, what book are you speaking of?
by Susan Anderson.
We called it the damn book, cause we know there are some tough hurdles to get over with this abandonment crap.
You think you are in recovery, then bam! it pulls you back in.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
She says that unresolved abandonment may be responsible for a lot of things like insecurity, depression, anxiety, obsessive and compulsive behaviors, low energy and self-esteem. That we resort to quick fixes and gratification with food, alcohol, shopping, people, and/or self-help because of unresolved loss/abandonment
It never went away for weeks or months at a time, then come home to be drunk all night. (my father)
It never quietly sighed and stayed in the background like my mother.
People who I felt this godawful attachment too were leaving either literally or figuratively every day. Why did they have me?
Didnt say I love you, I am proud of you (my mom could be pushed, but sometimes it was just too much work)
I dont even think they saw me. I am the oldest of 4. I have a sister, 16 months younger, and two brothers. All of us have some severe emotional/mood disorder that we treat the way my father treated his bi-polar (i think) depression. Drink was the thing.
Solved all problems temporarily.
I love you.......don't leave me.
I love you........please see me.
I love you........please love me.
Damn.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I remember crying on Sunday evenings like my soul was being ripped out.Oh Coyote,
This made me cry. Sending you a big mom hug.(((((((Coyote))))))))
I hope that sadness goes away somehow. Perhaps there is a way to make it?
hugs,
chicory
This made me cry. Sending you a big mom hug.(((((((Coyote))))))))
I hope that sadness goes away somehow. Perhaps there is a way to make it?
hugs,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
to coyote
sweetie,
i think i can almost feel your decades-old pain. i hope to god this book helps: you, me, all of us.
i am so glad you are not ashamed.
and, thank you. when i read your post it stirred something in me, like a memory. sundays long brought a kind of dread to me and i chalked it up to sunday, end of weekend kind of stuff. but i think it's something else. something bad happened on sundays. ((gulp))
i think i can almost feel your decades-old pain. i hope to god this book helps: you, me, all of us.
i am so glad you are not ashamed.
and, thank you. when i read your post it stirred something in me, like a memory. sundays long brought a kind of dread to me and i chalked it up to sunday, end of weekend kind of stuff. but i think it's something else. something bad happened on sundays. ((gulp))
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
...the healing process in the book isn't limited to just your CURRENT loss, that it applies to past losses too. She describes a "cumulative wound" where all the disappointments and breakups from throughout your life have been affecting you.
In our first conversation about him, I thought my lungs were going to collapse...okay, not really, but...I couldn't breathe, it was so painful. It was the first time I realized what a deep wound was there.
So, yes, for me the healing needs to go all the way back to him, without a doubt.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
what i most appreciated
it was affirming, and comforting for me to hear the author give voice to all of those strong and sometimes devastating emotions that i recently went through. how she named so many ways that it feels, and that i could relate to it.
it felt like i was given permission to have gone through what i did.
it felt like i was being told "you're normal".
i'm not a drama queen, i'm not staying stuck because i derive some sick pleasure out of it. i'm going through what we go through.
thank you, susan anderson.
it felt like i was given permission to have gone through what i did.
it felt like i was being told "you're normal".
i'm not a drama queen, i'm not staying stuck because i derive some sick pleasure out of it. i'm going through what we go through.
thank you, susan anderson.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
and also...
this, taken from the preface:
rather than feel defeated by your experience, you emerge from it wiser, more self-reliant, and more capable of love.
that's what i'm talking about!
and this:
being able to feel so deeply is a testament to your strength and tenancity
(now how did i already know that somewhere deep inside of me?)
most especially this:
abandonment survivors are those who have experienced the anguish of lost love and have the courage to go on believing in life and in their own capacity for love.
these are powerful, positive, and hope-filled statements.
i'm kinda excited.
rather than feel defeated by your experience, you emerge from it wiser, more self-reliant, and more capable of love.
that's what i'm talking about!
and this:
being able to feel so deeply is a testament to your strength and tenancity
(now how did i already know that somewhere deep inside of me?)
most especially this:
abandonment survivors are those who have experienced the anguish of lost love and have the courage to go on believing in life and in their own capacity for love.
these are powerful, positive, and hope-filled statements.
i'm kinda excited.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
it was affirming, and comforting for me to hear the author give voice to all of those strong and sometimes devastating emotions that i recently went through. how she named so many ways that it feels, and that i could relate to it.
it felt like i was given permission to have gone through what i did.
it felt like i was being told "you're normal".
i'm not a drama queen, i'm not staying stuck because i derive some sick pleasure out of it. i'm going through what we go through.
thank you, susan anderson.
it felt like i was given permission to have gone through what i did.
it felt like i was being told "you're normal".
i'm not a drama queen, i'm not staying stuck because i derive some sick pleasure out of it. i'm going through what we go through.
thank you, susan anderson.
Awakening
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by wicked
Yes, quick fixes, even when it stopped working the booze was always there. Always waiting.
It never went away for weeks or months at a time, then come home to be drunk all night. (my father)
It never quietly sighed and stayed in the background like my mother.
People who I felt this godawful attachment too were leaving either literally or figuratively every day. Why did they have me?
Didnt say I love you, I am proud of you (my mom could be pushed, but sometimes it was just too much work)
I dont even think they saw me. I am the oldest of 4. I have a sister, 16 months younger, and two brothers. All of us have some severe emotional/mood disorder that we treat the way my father treated his bi-polar (i think) depression. Drink was the thing.
Solved all problems temporarily.
I love you.......don't leave me.
I love you........please see me.
I love you........please love me.
Damn.
It never went away for weeks or months at a time, then come home to be drunk all night. (my father)
It never quietly sighed and stayed in the background like my mother.
People who I felt this godawful attachment too were leaving either literally or figuratively every day. Why did they have me?
Didnt say I love you, I am proud of you (my mom could be pushed, but sometimes it was just too much work)
I dont even think they saw me. I am the oldest of 4. I have a sister, 16 months younger, and two brothers. All of us have some severe emotional/mood disorder that we treat the way my father treated his bi-polar (i think) depression. Drink was the thing.
Solved all problems temporarily.
I love you.......don't leave me.
I love you........please see me.
I love you........please love me.
Damn.
Man, I sure hope this Damn Book has some answers for us.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. If you were actually rocking in the corner, I understand.
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