ChrrisT

I just read through all the posts and never considered abandonment as an issue. My parents divorced when i was 15. But they didn't leave.

But the thing I remember most as child was feeling alone and sad. Mom worked full time drank at night (but there was never any talk of alcoholism she was "corporate") as was dad no drinking but the girlfriends filled up the rest of his day. My brother drank and drugged early in life. But I was much younger than him and I don't remember a lot of details. But I remember vividly how I felt, always sick in my stomach, ya know when your homesick and feel displaced.

At 13 I was like - "oh God I don't have a lot time I'll be an adult soon - what am I going to do??! When I was younger 6 or 7 maybe- I remember being ask what I wanted to be when I grow up - I thought - a tree - they live a really long time.

It's cute for a kid to say, but I remember like it was yesterday - the anxiety I felt, I was actually afraid of not making the right choice. As a kid I was so fearful of my future, it froze me.

And all I remember is being alone, never getting answers or guidance and being afraid to ask. I mean - I thought I could be a tree - for a long time!

I had opportunities in my life that I completely screwed up, private school, college, friendships on and on.

Looking at it now - my insecurities and fears caused me to sabotage my own life.

Because of my children I wouldn't change my past decisions. And I'm raising them knowing how it feels to be alone, so there is a lot hugging and together time in our house (i am happy to say) And I have always said my parents were human, they mess up just like everyone else, and I won't wallow in self pity. I mean really - there are children that starved by their parents, beaten to bloody pulps. My mom was sexually abuse by her father for years(she's dead she won't care I'm telling you). I had it good and I was grateful for what I had.

But I'm coming to realize that my life was molded by those things (emotional abandonment?) in my past and all along I've just dismissed them and chalked it up to me "just being a screw up most whole life"

Oh sh*t! now what? Shake my mother's urn, yell at the ol' man?

Or set higher standards for myself. I am not that scared kid anymore, I have my own home and I don't feel homesick anymore and I'm good at what I do and people like who I am........................ (I think)

Thanks for listening you guys are awesome

Pelican

I just got the damn book in the mail today!
Time to read!

HealingWillCome

L2L -- the time machine...well, wow, that's pretty intense for a little child.

And Christie, wanting to be a tree...also intense.

I had a horrible dream when I was 5 or 6. I had colored outside the lines in my favorite coloring book (Mrs. Beasley) and was devastated because I couldn't "fix" it.

Later, in high school, I had a nightmare (not your classic type, but horrifying to me) that I had been handing out Halloween candy all night and gave everyone too much. I had NO WAY of going back and "fixing" my mistake.

Those two dreams have always haunted me, but they seemed like such silly dreams -- why would they be so terrifying? It wasn't until this year that I made the connection. They were about having no control over my dad's booze and women or my parents' divorce.

Young children have a strong sense of what is right and wrong and what they should be getting from their primary caregivers.

Did anyone else find interesting the stuff on how the brain/body work through fear and abandonment?

posiesperson

Oh, I can't wait to get my copy. I think. It'll arrive at my doorstep in the next day or two.

HWC, your "coloring outside the lines" dream was right on for me...for a long time I didn't like to color because I couldn't erase those damn mistakes, and I could see them so clearly. The teacher would post the coloring pages outside the classroom and mine never won any of the special "gold stars", no matter how hard I tried. After the 2nd time of that I just gave up--obviously I was a total failure at coloring and would never amount to anything in terms of creativity. I felt so powerless and unsuccessful. I think I was 7.

That, despite the fact that I won poetry awards in Jr. High, took years of dance (and taught all through high school), made beautiful pottery, auditioned/sang in a band in Jr. High and played the piano. But I couldn't color, couldn't fix the MISTAKES, and there's no way I could believe it when people would say, "You're so creative!"

I couldn't control whether or not I got gold stars from the teacher, but what I COULD control (my creative process after that) was something I couldn't even see for myself. Instead, I was focussing on what I felt powerless and alone (abandoned) about, which was mirrored in my family life. Wow. I sure am learning a lot.

Hugs,
posie

HealingWillCome

Yeah, Posie...that need to control, to fix. Ugh. I was blown away at discovering how young I was when I started to take on those tendencies.

My three younger sisters also have their own versions of abandonment issues, including control, and they were only 5, 3, and 1 when our dad took off...although he had abandoned us long before he physically left.

I can also relate to your story, Posie, in another way. I teach 7th - 12th graders, math and business. Maybe because of my own perfectionism as a child, I have a greater awareness of my students who have a need to do everything perfectly. There are lots of kids like that.

ChrrisT

I ordered it from Amazon Yeahh!!!

Sold for a bargain price of $14.95. If I had know happiness and peace was this cheap I would put my order in 10 years ago.

I can't wait to start the healing.

Don't wait for me I'll catch up!!

coyote21

My 9yo daughter, LMC (Little Miss Coyote) is PAINFULLY (for me to watch) perfectionistic.

I always assumed it was a trait form growing up in an alcoholic home. Of course she has a lot of abandonment stuff as well. It will be interesting to see if the book addresses the perfectionism thing in relation to abandonment.

Here's a quick story from LMC's early years, where I unwittingly helped to reinforce her abandonment stuff.

She was about 4 or 5 and was already displaying some sighs of "seperation anxiety". We were on an outing at the town square, playing tag and running around the grounds of our old historic city court house.

It was around 6 pm and I told her she should go in one door and run thru the court house and I'd run around the outside and meet her on the other side. The court house had identical entrance/exits on all four sides.

This was to be a "daddy engineered" experience to teach her that she'd be O.K. even if she was out of my sight for a few moments. It took some of my best convincing skills to get her on board. Of course I didn't realize that the custodian had begun to go door to door inside, to lock up for the night.

She went in the last unlocked door and when she and I got to the other side she couldn't get out. Nice.

Man, she still talks about "that" learning experience. Best laid plans.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Oh, BTW, we finally got her out.

Jenny1232

In my case, it's I hate you... don't leave me.

This whole abandonment and opening wounds has really put things into perspective for me.

I never even liked the abusive, lying addict. I was never happy with him, and always comparing him to my ex. I'm slightly confused - because, I do feel love at the same time. I just never liked HIM.. for who HE was.

I believe I am so devastated from the end of this relationship - because of the way my ex before him left me. I had moved out of state to be with him... and after a year, he simply said, "I don't love you anymore" and that was IT. No explanation, nothing. I was moved out and didn't hear one word for MONTHS. I never fully healed from the trauma... Ending things with 'B' just brought back the same pain I had when prior ex left me...

I never really considered that until this book. Now, it's finding a way to heal that presents the issue.

seekingcalm

What a wonderful book! Thank you to whomever suggested this originally. As others have mentioned, it's so good to read that those of us who feel deeply are strong; and those of us who seek recovery are strong. I feel strong, and although I now realize that my abandonment issues began very early (I am adopted), I have always had a strong sense of self, and lots of self confidence...I think from my adoptive parents making me feel "chosen". But they had a pretty dysfunctional relationship ( no alcohol, though ), and I learned early on to help smooth things over for them by being adorable and perfect. Sometimes I am still afraid to not be so adorable and so perfect because everything might fall apart. Wow, I must be very powerful, able to control everyone will just a smile.
OMG, Is it possible I am finally learning to let go of all of it? And just be me?

I have to admit though, that reading about "Shattering" took me back there, six months ago, when my EXABF told me to get out so he could drink in peace. And it was so incredibly physically painful, and it did pass. Wish I had this book then, but so very glad I am reading it now.

transformyself

I can't get the book, but am going to read all of this here from you folks. It sounds fantastic!

Live

Is this book sinificantly different than the Bradshaw (for example) books on family of origin?

Freedom1990

I'm still waiting on my book to arrive!

coffeedrinker

yes, this is a test. i sorta can't wait to be way further down the road, so that i will know what happened....man, like i want to flip through to the last few pages to see.

will i lose myself again? will i be a basket case? will i be incredibly hurt?

or, as you suggested, are we just two unavailable people trying to connect, getting frightened and pulling back, feeling like we wanna connect, and repeating the pattern??? again, i think only time will tell. (I don't feel that way, never have, but our minds are very tricky aren't they?)

freedom,
it's a quick read, the chapters seem to be short; you'll catch up easily.

wanting

I read the first chapter and it was really hard, because it brought me back to that place I was at when the $hit went down in my marriage a year ago. I had sort of a physical reaction to it. My heart started racing and my throat started tightening up. It was really weird. I couldn't sleep until around 3 a.m.

I think I need to read it again to be able to comment.

But the main idea that stands out to me that I have thought to be true in my own life is that this all happened so that I could heal the unhealed wounds of my past and childhood.

Jenny1232

wanting, I can completely relate to that feeling. I can feel fine, and the moment I read something that describes my feelings of pain, I'm suddenly overwhelmed and panicky. My appetite is lost, and I find it hard to breathe.

It just goes to show how affected we are subconsciously! All the more reason to keep reading and figure out a resolution!

wicked

.

yes, me too wanting. the physical reaction. wow.
but, i think there is great hope in the idea that recognizing what it is that is causing the pain, then we can heal the unhealed wounds.
and truly, really live my life.

HealingWillCome

Major physical reactions for me too. I first started to read the book about 3 months ago. I wanted to plow right through it and find my magic healing right away!

The problem was that it was affecting me physically to read the words on the pages. Literally, FEAR (abandonment fear) would flood my body (adrenaline and I don't know what else) and would take hold for an hour or two.

Wanting, It took me a couple of weeks to work through each chapter. I had to give myself time to process what I was reading and deal with my physical reactions. I am still going back and re-reading different parts as I need them.

Just understanding how the human body/brain work through abandonment has been huge for me.

wanting

It's not that I'm glad others have had the same reaction, but it makes me feel like less of a freak. So thanks.

It's funny, before I started reading, I was browsing through and read about "shattering" and thought, "OK, this is where I was a year ago. Why should I read this?" And then as I actually read from the beginning and got to the stories of people's heartbreak, I was right back there again!

Ugh, that feeling of everything being OK one day and then the next day my whole world is turned upside-down.

I'm going to stick with it, even though it's really hard. I am trusting that HP has a hand in this, and that I have an opportunity to get something out of it.