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The Damn Book-Preface/Chapter 1

Old 08-14-2010, 08:10 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker View Post
this, taken from the preface:

rather than feel defeated by your experience, you emerge from it wiser, more self-reliant, and more capable of love.

that's what i'm talking about!

and this:

being able to feel so deeply is a testament to your strength and tenancity

(now how did i already know that somewhere deep inside of me?)

most especially this:

abandonment survivors are those who have experienced the anguish of lost love and have the courage to go on believing in life and in their own capacity for love.

these are powerful, positive, and hope-filled statements.

i'm kinda excited.
Yep, yep, and yep.

She also, some where in there, says that WE are the STRONG ones. The ones that have the courage to feel this deeply and acknowledge it.

The wussys/whimps are the ones who cruise through life like every thing's just fine. Right.

We'll see.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 08-14-2010, 08:34 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I have always referred to myself as the "invisible" child.
Guess I need this book.

These are painful things. Are they like splinters, do you think? If we "get them out, even if it is painful, will something inside of us be "better"?
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Old 08-14-2010, 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
I have always referred to myself as the "invisible" child.
Guess I need this book.

These are painful things. Are they like splinters, do you think? If we "get them out, even if it is painful, will something inside of us be "better"?
I think that's a great analogy. Pretty sure that's how it's supposed to work.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 08-15-2010, 07:32 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Chicory, the splinter analogy is great.

My counselor described it in a similar way. We can stitch over the wound but if it isn't healed it festers until it's opened back up again and really cleaned out.
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Old 08-15-2010, 10:17 AM
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Coyote said:
have buried my whole little family of origin, along with many, many childhood/adulthood pets. Seems like every thing/person I've ever loved sometimes.
This is totally my Mom. Her dad died when she was small and she has told me that she does not want to get close to anyone, including her own children, because "everyone I get close to dies." I'm sure this has affected me. I wonder if THIS is part of the reason I also am "disconnected" as Bookwyrm put it.
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Old 08-15-2010, 10:37 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Let's all please agree that whenever a new chapter and new thread is started, the first poster include the name of the book and author for any new folks who come across our damn book club. :rotfxko
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Old 08-15-2010, 11:13 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I will order that book. Maybe its already translated in Spanish but those translations suck big time....

Perhaps that abandonment thing is why I feel sooooooooooooooo alone, very frequently in my life.

I also agree about it being a combo not just tied to the last loss.

I also agree that this is a collective thing, so, if we are working through this, for others it won't be so difficult - it is not only four OUR benefit ... like throwing a stone in a lake...the waves are far-reaching.

All I know is I am sick of seeing how others live and enjoy life and I am in this dark room, sometimes going out of it.. but always coming back...
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Old 08-15-2010, 11:48 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Aw coyote I just read your post about Sundays thanks for sharing...

You made me remember some of my confused feelings as well, when I was little and I never knew when my dad was going to visit and for how long. I was 3 then and didn't even know words to name the feelings. IT WAS ALWAYS UP TO HIM, his work schedules and vacation days. And I always had to share him with my sister, and later, stepmom. The moments we have been together -just the two of us- have been SO SCARCE 25 years later. Yes, no wonder the guys I like are always the ones able to give morsels of attention.

Recently I saw some pics when my dad got married again in Hawaii 20 years ago. Our home was this huge, cold space with his ghost. My mom was devastated, my sis was acting up starting her adolescence and I was ... confused. Meanwhile he was at the beach living a romance as if none of us existed... ouch
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Old 08-15-2010, 04:48 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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personal abandonment; not a comment on the book

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Perhaps that abandonment thing is why I feel sooooooooooooooo alone, very frequently in my life.

I also agree about it being a combo not just tied to the last loss.
The timing of this is working for me. Although maybe I wouldn't be a mess if it had come years earlier...but, moot point at this moment.

N.L.I. and I have had very candid and honest conversations. Just today he shared with me that he is feeling a tad bit of ambivalence. "Not sure why, but I just want to be honest with you."
Now, the funny thing is, I have been feeling a bit of that on my side as well. (Although to tell the truth I think I do know why, and shared it.)

Why I said it was funny, was because as soon as I read those words (email) it felt like a kick in the stomach.

There is also something very personal that I said maybe we should approach as a discussion, and he said he isn't ready to.

Another kick. again.

So....the kick in the stomach part.
In my HEAD, I think, "he is giving you the honest communication you desire. He is not saying goodbye, or "let's take a break" or "you really bug me" but it feels that way. I feel rejected. I feel like, "hey do you know how terrific a person I am? Why aren't you crazy about me?"

So, it's ok for me to not be crazy about every aspect of who he is, but he can't feel un-crazy about my every aspect?

I'm not trying to hijack, but I have been ruminating about this, looking at it from a bunch of directions, trying to just be at peace with it all, working on acceptance....all day long. I have a ton of anxiety inside and as much as (again my head) says "you don't even know yet if this is the man you might want to commit to" I am spinning. Thinking "but he has so many great attributes." and "I don't wanna let him get away in case I do decide one day that I want to stick with him."

So, it could just be a human-nature thing, me wanting to be in the driver's seat (who doesn't) but I THINK it's this abandonment stuff triggering such an intense response. I've been holding back my horses for 9 hours but the scared little girl wants to call him - somehow seek reassurances.

God, help me. Susan Anderson, come to me. I need you!
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:45 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Oh boy.

I haven't even gotten my copy yet (on it's way, according to Amazon) and just by reading your posts here I'm all fired up inside.

I'm feeling something that's about taking care of others in the midst of feeling abandoned. Yes, that's it. Ever since I was 5, when there was a major loss in my family, I decided I would take care of everyone else--that I didn't need anything for myself except for my family to be "normal" and "happy" again. So therefore feeling abandoned=caretaking/codependency.

So that's why, as I read your posts, I find myself feeling what seems like compassion toward my exs (both the one who was emotionally abusive/ACOA, and the one who was actively alcoholic/ACOA). I feel like I want to send them the link to this discussion, to buy them the book, because now THEIR wounds are already so much clearer to me, oh yeah, and I can help them....YUCK.

Don't worry, not headed down the track for a relapse here, keeping up my NC, but wow, that was a surprise.

Thanks for the insights with the discussion, albeit painful. This book (and this discussion) are going to be something else.

Coyote, special hug to you on this Sunday evening...

Hugs all around,
posie
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Old 08-15-2010, 07:44 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by posiesperson View Post
Coyote, special hug to you on this Sunday evening...

Hugs all around,
posie
First of all, thanks so much.

But really, I'm O.K., not walking around looking all down and out or anything. Feel pretty good, even on Sundays. But there's definitely some nagging something/discomfort lurking in the background. YKWIM?

Any way, one thing I've done to combat these feelings is, a couple of years ago, to declare Sundays "SUPER SUNDAY FUNDAY" around our house. So LMC and I try to get most of our chores done on Saturday, and make a conscious effort to do something FUN on Sunday. It helps. But it's still lurking just below the surface.

I would be very happy if the only thing I got out of this book, was to stop this vague anxious feeling. It SUCKS.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 08-15-2010, 08:07 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker View Post
The timing of this is working for me. Although maybe I wouldn't be a mess if it had come years earlier...but, moot point at this moment.

N.L.I. and I have had very candid and honest conversations. Just today he shared with me that he is feeling a tad bit of ambivalence. "Not sure why, but I just want to be honest with you."
Now, the funny thing is, I have been feeling a bit of that on my side as well. (Although to tell the truth I think I do know why, and shared it.)

Why I said it was funny, was because as soon as I read those words (email) it felt like a kick in the stomach.

There is also something very personal that I said maybe we should approach as a discussion, and he said he isn't ready to.

Another kick. again.

So....the kick in the stomach part.
In my HEAD, I think, "he is giving you the honest communication you desire. He is not saying goodbye, or "let's take a break" or "you really bug me" but it feels that way. I feel rejected. I feel like, "hey do you know how terrific a person I am? Why aren't you crazy about me?"

So, it's ok for me to not be crazy about every aspect of who he is, but he can't feel un-crazy about my every aspect?

I'm not trying to hijack, but I have been ruminating about this, looking at it from a bunch of directions, trying to just be at peace with it all, working on acceptance....all day long. I have a ton of anxiety inside and as much as (again my head) says "you don't even know yet if this is the man you might want to commit to" I am spinning. Thinking "but he has so many great attributes." and "I don't wanna let him get away in case I do decide one day that I want to stick with him."

So, it could just be a human-nature thing, me wanting to be in the driver's seat (who doesn't) but I THINK it's this abandonment stuff triggering such an intense response. I've been holding back my horses for 9 hours but the scared little girl wants to call him - somehow seek reassurances.

God, help me. Susan Anderson, come to me. I need you!
Man I definitely get it.

With me, it seems like I get pretty healthy while single, or between relationships. Even in the beginning, I can maintian some sense of health, but then slowly the worm turns. Then I loose myself somehow. Then ALL is lost.

This has NEVER stopped me from "hopping back in the saddle" till now. I've got this little person to rear, and the fear of "getting lost" in a woman, and "abandoning" my child is stopping me. Pretty sure she'll have plenty to tell her counselors later on without my "help".

Four and a half years and counting......I think I'll be O.K. to risk it when she's a little older, maybe 12 or so, when she gets into her own friends and doesn't want anything to do with me any way! Maybe not.

Also I noticed different N.L.I's, can either naturally ease, or make this anxiety worse. But I do remember where you are right now. I don't envy those feelings.

Your situation should be a good test for the DAMN BOOK.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 08-15-2010, 08:12 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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what is a NLI?????
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Old 08-15-2010, 08:13 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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On second read, sounds almost like 2 emotionally unavailable people trying to have a relationship, without either allowing to be put in a position to be hurt. Negotiating for the safer, upper hand? ICBFOS? (I could be full of S***)

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 08-15-2010, 08:26 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Live View Post
what is a NLI?????
Coffee seems to be offline, NLI is her term for her "New Love Interest", from another post.


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 08-16-2010, 07:49 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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I am just remembering... when I was a kid, I used to dream that I would build a time machine so I could go back in time and FIX or PREVENT whatever happened to my Dad, so that he could then grow up to be the father we needed him to be. Not sure if that has anything to do with abandonment or not but you guys talking about "when I was 5 years old" etc reminded me of this.
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Old 08-16-2010, 07:52 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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With me, it seems like I get pretty healthy while single, or between relationships. Even in the beginning, I can maintian some sense of health, but then slowly the worm turns. Then I loose myself somehow. Then ALL is lost.
Me too Coyote.
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Old 08-16-2010, 10:57 AM
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Originally Posted by isurvived View Post
Yeah, what book are you speaking of?
It's called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
by Susan Anderson.

We called it the damn book, cause we know there are some tough hurdles to get over with this abandonment crap.
You think you are in recovery, then bam! it pulls you back in.
Thank you!!!
I'm googling "the Damn Book" for like 30 minutes over here.
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Old 08-16-2010, 11:08 AM
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On second read, sounds almost like 2 emotionally unavailable people trying to have a relationship, without either allowing to be put in a position to be hurt. Negotiating for the safer, upper hand? ICBFOS? (I could be full of S***)
Yes, for me too. Keep it safe and unavailable, that way no one gets hurt.
I wonder if I have spent most of my life numbing and being unavailable just to avoid a hurt I suffered as a child?
Yes, I think I have.
Damn.
This is why it is called the Damn Book Club.

ETA
sorry coffee, i didnt mean that is what is happening with you.
i just felt what coyote was saying about two unavailable people getting together.

Last edited by wicked; 08-16-2010 at 11:10 AM. Reason: edited to clarify for coffeedrinker
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Old 08-16-2010, 11:33 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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I'm googling "the Damn Book" for like 30 minutes over here.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Thanks for the laugh.
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