FiftyPence

I'm stealing a term from Apple Inc employees who describe Steve Jobs as being able to conjour a powerful reality distortion field. Alcoholics are brilliant at doing this too, if for entirely different reasons.

Having lived with one now for years, I can only describe her inner world as utterly bizarre, a bit like a Salvador Dali painting. I got divorce served on me a few months ago by her, after she realised I wasn't simply going to separate and let her "take care" of the kids.

When I indicated my intention to contest custody through my lawyer on grounds that she is an active, raging alkie I got a verbose reply from her lawyer saying that she's not an alcoholic, that she drinks normally and that I'm basically full of horse manure.

More backing and forthing via lawyers ensued. One proposal I put to her was go to rehab, follow it up with a period of sobriety, then by all means be the primary care giver. The proposal was rejected, this time, on grounds that rehab may not work! Now just hang on a minute - that's pretty much acknowledging there is indeed a problem with alcohol. My lawyer spoke informally to our GP who said that combining anti-depressants, sleeping tablets and a nightly bottle of wine is in fact problematic. Surprise surprise.

During this time, she drove our kids while hammered on no less than three occasions. I'm currently in the process of getting a protection order for them to stop her being able to drive with them in the car.

Eventually I suggested to her - "if you won't stop drinking as you've said repeatedly you won't, then let's reach a settlement where you have the kids during the day, I have them at night when you're hitting the bottle." Again, this was rejected outright by her and her rottweiler lawyer.

I then said look, if I contest this settlement, we're going to be battling this out for years. Let's go the mediated route and get an objective outsider to assess the situation. At first she rejected this idea too but then came to realise it was either going to be this or I go the fullblown contested divorce route. When allegations of alcohol abuse come up, it gets referred to the state family advocate who then gets a forensic psych to evaluate the family.

So she relented and we're now doing exactly that anyway - we're seeing a forensic psych who is assessing the family unit and will draw up a report of recommendation. I may be mistaken but I think this carries legal weight as well.

Anyway, the reason I'm giving you all this background is to tell you about how weird her inner world is. In our first session, she admitted to the psych that she drinks a bottle of red wine a night. Nowadays it's often a bottle and a half. So she's formally admitted to her alcoholism whether she realises this or not. Hello, Mr Lawyer, please explain that one too.

So the other day she comes to me and says that she hopes I agree to the outcome of the forensic psych's evaluation. I was totally gobsmacked. Does she really think the psych is just going to sweep the "small matter" of the alcohol under the carpet? Does she think she gets to be mom-at-home and the village drunk too? She sat there telling the psych how she's ending the marriage because I'm non-communicative with her. Yes, indeed, I choose not to engage with her when she's drinking, which is every night like, regular like clockwork.

She's been in therapy for years now, almost a decade and she's been on anti-deps for even longer than that. She talks the therapy talk very well, but underneath her smooth talking is a truly nasty individual who goes around town badmouthing me to anyone who'll listen. What really grates me is how she's telling people that now that we're divorcing I'm suddenly being a good dad. It's so insulting, I've been an active and committed father from the getgo, and actually I'm the same with the kids as I've ever been. I cannot count the amount of times I've driven her home with the kids in the car when she's been almost passed out from the boozing.

I do realise that most of what she's doing is quacking but really I don't have the patience to be the object of her vindictive streak anymore. Eighteen months ago I was a quivering wreck at the prospect of losing her, but she's put me through so much since then that there is really no good emotion left in me for her.

I laugh now as I recall the fraught evenings I'd spend worrying about her when she went out by herself at night to a party or whatever. I'd be sitting at home chewing my fingernails with worry about the state she'd drive in on the way home. It's kind of gone the other way for me now. I'm hatching ideas to get her caught in a staged arrest. She already has one DUI charge, another would kinda seal it for her.

Our daughter's fourth birthday had some cringe inducing moments when she offered the other mommies wine and they all politely declined, knowing what a booze hound she is. She's totally unaware of her ugly rep with booze. The power of her denial is truly staggering.

The weirdest thing is how she insists that there is no way she'll stop drinking. She could have had an ally in me to help her do that, but because in her mind I'm the bad guy who wants to ruin her drunken fun she actually enjoys getting smashed when I'm around, knowing how much I hate it. What she doesn't realise now is I actually want her to drink, it serves my current agenda perfectly. The more of an ass she makes of herself with booze, the stronger my custody case becomes. I'm no longer hand-wringing about my role in the breakdown of the relationship, something she consistently agitates about if I talk to her about her drinking. It's no more Mr Nice Guy on my part. I could care less about who did what blah blah fishpaste.

All this madness is coming from someone who's a got a Master's degree in psychiatric nursing, someone who's actually worked with addicts. This disease knows no boundaries, you can be smart and educated, you're no different to a homeless bum with the same alcohol problem. Her years of therapy and of being a therapist mean nothing, it's just a game of charades she plays. I'm at a point where I personally think she's hardwired for self-destruction, I don't know where her rock bottom is, but I suspect she has a long way to go.

Sasha4

Does your separation/divorce have to be nasty?

I realise that you worry, her looking after the children and driving. However, raising children on your own is hard, really hard. And you will understand that when you care for them on your own. In no way am I making excuses for her drinking, but I should imagine that when the kids are in bed that is all she has to look forward to.

I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but I just wonder if it has to get so nasty between the two of you, especially when you have children involved.

I only wish you well
x

Daybreak

Hmmmm, well, I've been thinking a lot about detachment and practicing it as best I can. Maybe it's because I am new to Al-Anon, but I don't see how you can detach if the alcoholic insists on bizarre denials and staying attached. At least, not when you have little kids who must be protected. Dad's especially have to be cautious -- cunning as a serpent and gentle as a dove, I guess you could say.

Still Waters

The children come first. If you have addressed her drinking around the children, and she refuses to stop while she's responsible for the children, then do whatever you need to do to keep them safe.

suki44883

FiftyPence, it looks to me like you have tried everything in your power to keep this divorce from being nasty, but your wife is the one who refuses to cooperate. You have every right to do what you feel is best for your children. Of course, we only have your side of the story; however, most of us have lived with alcoholics and know the signs and behavior. Your wife behavior sounds classic.

Whether she is in deep denial or just trying to save face, the fact of the matter is you have to do whatever is necessary to keep your children safe. I think your thought processes are right on. Hopefully the forensic psych's determination will be in your favor and hopefully it will hold weight with the court. I wish you all the luck in the world. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing.

wow1323

Protect your kids at any cost. You are not dealing with a person you are dealing with a bottle of wine.

theuncertainty

FiftyPence, I don't have any advice or experience to offer, but wanted to say that I am so sorry that you and your kids are having to go through this.

I like the reality distortion term - it completely fits... I am constantly astounded by the reality distortion field my STBXAH has set up. I don't know why I am - I shouldn't be - I was sucked into it with him for years and I'm still trying to claw my way completely free. So I shouldn't be surprised at how twisted it is...

I'd like add my voice to Suki's, that it seems like you have made many attempts to reach an agreement that provides and allows for the safe care of your children. I wish you the best with the forensic psych. Hugs and wishes for strength and peace for you and your children.

Jadmack25

There comes a time, after enough banging your head against a concrete wall....when even the most kindly and loving person finally decides "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH", and realises that they need to change tack.

Her doing as you had hoped, obviously ain't gonna happen.....so it is gloves off and let her provide proof of her boozing incapability to care for anything or anyone, let alone your children.
She poo pooed your wishes and made the rules of warfare herself, so now you have to fight on those terms, whether you like it or not. Your kids safety and welfare depend on you, and this is paramount for you.....you have no alternative for the moment.

Maybe, when it is done and she is looking at the outcome of where her love of the bottle had brought her, hopefully she will get it loud and clear, but til then just keep praying for her.

God bless

fourmaggie

1. did not cause it
2. can not control it
3. can not cure it

just remember those three; they will help in every way possible...
take it one day at a time, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, and THINK! THINK! THINK!

FiftyPence

Thanks for all your considered replies. The Sober Recovery forums have truly been a life saver for me over the past year. You all give me a renewed sense of perspective while I'm living in this situation.

LexieCat

Reality Checks R Us.

You have been entirely reasonable. Keep doing the next right thing for the kids.

Learn2Live

I tend to be more passive. I may make a lot of noise but really, I am the first to just cut my losses and walk away. In this kind of thing, when someone asks me my advice, it's not so easy because there are marital assets and laws, and children involved. I do advise, though, to avoid fear of the other person and what they are doing, or what they CAN do. Just try to keep a level head and avoid anyone who incites fear or hysteria in you.

Carol Star

If she mixes the pills and wine I hope the authorities know about it......