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Alias Charles Boyer?

Old 08-13-2010, 11:55 AM
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Alias Charles Boyer?

Hello to all. I've been impressed by the quality of posts here. So I registered. What spurred me to register was yet another baffling episode of having the rug pulled out from under me -- less than two hours after stepping onto said rug.

I have been married to an alcoholic for 12 years. He's been incarcerated rather steadily so I've only actually lived with him for a total of 15 months. I have not divorced him because it was never critical that I do so --- and I was in love with Imaginary Husband, didn't believe Real Husband WAS the real person. My payoff was the illusion of someone who cared about me without the aggravation of having to actually deal with him.

I also do not come from an alcoholic family.

Well, he's out on parole again in a distant state. He got sober for eleven months. High hopes to build a new life -- new start, etc. On the phone to each other constantly. Started fighting. Some stresses surged up in his life. Started drinking again on Day 360. Moved in with another woman shortly thereafter. The sticking point for me on that (besides the agonizing obvious) is that he entered into this relationship, stayed in it, despite my passionate objections (because I became aware of it, thank you Facebook)--- WHILE he was sober --- WHILE he was praying with me every morning.

So -- it all came out. He went into detox. I started going to Al-Anon intensively. Got to a good place before he got out of detox. Made it all the way to acceptance -- knowing I'd probably cycle through the stages of grieving again -- but in a good place. Ready to get a divorce. Really ready.

Now I'm tangled up in this stinkin', stupid relationship again, but I don't want to be. I had a meltdown on the phone this morning (the nerve of me) and eventually there was an agreement that we would be transparent and honest and tender with each other. It was less than two hours before he was telling me he can't be open and honest with me because I over-react. (Specifically, he told me how bad he felt when I resist giving him money - and I have spent thousands of dollars on this worm.)

Then I got to thinking I feel as though I am being gaslighted. Just another way of saying manipulated maybe. But I wondered whether it isn't deliberate on his part to fake it and then break it. I wonder whether he intentionally sets me up to take me down. There's such a strong element of making me doubt my own memory and motives. I think so. I think there is a conscious exercise of malice. I daresay this wonderful insight has been reached by many a person here. But it has soothed my nerves to write it out.

If anyone reads this and has a thought or experience to share, that would be great.
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Old 08-13-2010, 12:02 PM
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Welcome Daybreak! It's great to have you here!

I think how you feel about your AH is quite clear in your AKA of him; WORM. And how he feels about you is clear when he lives with another woman and asks you for $'s.

Just my observation.

Stick around for more input. There is a lot of Experience, Strength and Hope on this wonderful forum.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the Family and Friends Forum page? There is a lot to offer there.

Huggs!
Tigger
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Old 08-13-2010, 12:32 PM
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Hello Daybreak, I'll echo Tigger's suggestion to look at the sticky threads as you await more responses.

Welcome to SR.
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Old 08-13-2010, 01:38 PM
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Welcome, Daybreak.

Have you read Melody Beatty "codependent no more"? it is our Bible around here.

I hope you can get a copy. It is excellent company.
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Old 08-13-2010, 01:47 PM
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What is stopping you from divorcing this worm? Out of 12 years of "marriage" you have only lived with him for 15 months? Has he spent all that other time in jail? I don't mean to sound heartless, but I'm just trying to understand how you could love someone (or even feel involved with someone) who has been gone for so long and lives with another woman. You deserve so much better, so that brings me back to my original question. What is stopping your from divorcing this guy and moving on with your life? What are you getting out of this relationship, such as it is?
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Old 08-13-2010, 02:38 PM
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Nothing is stopping me. I am without excuse.
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Old 08-13-2010, 02:56 PM
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Daybreak-welcome and I agree with what everyone has posted and it is great that you are being honest with yourself. That is not always the easiest thing for us codies to do.

Your AH is like all alcoholics--it is all about him and nothing about you. Is it malicious--I'm not sure. Sometimes my stbxah is extremely malicious but I think underlying that is his total denial of what is going on around him and complete and total belief that he is the sun and the rest of the world rotates around him that leads to that maliciousness.

It is hard to be married to someone who cares about only one person-and that is the person that looks back at them in the mirror every morning. For me it was impossible-especially once kids were involved.

I have to say, like suki my first thought was, why? But I have been where you are at and had every reason in the world to leave but was not far enough into my own recovery. Codependent No More and SR tipped the scales for me and my eyes were no longer clouded by his lies.

Take care of yourself and start small. Me, I would cut off the cash flow instantly. Why should you be his personal bank?
Keep coming back. Keep posting.
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Old 08-13-2010, 03:27 PM
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Wife2Kids, thanks I appreciate your comments. That is why I do keep coming back -- it's a reality check. I have 45 more days before I meet the residency requirements to file for divorce. I am, however, pretty anxious about his reaction. Cogitating ferociously about the best strategy and hoping to avoid paying a lawyer.
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Old 08-13-2010, 03:40 PM
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Okay, now see? At this point, you do have a reason for not filing...you are waiting to meet the residency requirements. In the meantime, you can start making plans, checking out legal help, quitting contact with him, no phone calls, texts, etc., and no more money to him. He isn't your child and you don't need to be paying his way.
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Old 08-13-2010, 04:02 PM
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Suki got it. Cut the contact, the cash flow and look at what needs to be done for divorce once residency requirements are fulfilled.

He can't be open and honest, because HE CAN'T BE open and honest, (probably hasn't a clue what "open and honest" means, and he would not have learnt it whilst in gaol), and it has NOTHING to do with you "over reacting".

As for his feeling bad when you resist giving him money.... OH BOY!!!! You only get pocket money when you are a good boy, and do your chores. Going in and out of gaol, cheating on your wife and dumping blame on her....are not what gains a man Brownie points.

He could be gaslighting you, but actually I think he is just a rotter who has no problems with doing and saying anything to get out of facing reality.

Worms are so useful, they till the soil for us and help catch fish, this jerk is not up to worm status.

Get all prepared for lift off with divorce etc, as soon as you legally can.

God bless
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