I know I have to stay no contact but...

Old 08-13-2010, 08:56 AM
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I know I have to stay no contact but...

How do I do that when he is now risking his job? We have been separated for 3 1/2 years and divorced for half of that, but it's never been this bad until this year. He has a really great job that he now hasn't shown up for all week. He's claiming the flu to them, but it's so he can binge by himself in his apartment. He was off for 3 weeks earlier this year when he quit drinking the first time. Pretty sure they are starting to catch on at work.

I know I can't control this, but it's frustrating. The only thing I could ever say about him is that he's reliable when it comes to work and child support. Everything the kids and I have is based on my income and his support. If he messes this up it affects him and us.

Okay, I will get through no matter what happens, but it will mean selling my house which will affect my kids as well as me.

I'm sorry for the vent, but I really HATE this disease.

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Old 08-13-2010, 09:01 AM
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I'm pretty new to all this, but one thing I've learned is to just take one day at a time. Worrying too far ahead does no good.
And there is nothing you can do to stop his train wreck. You have absolutely no control over this; contact won't change a thing. Stay strong, take care of you and your children. Breathe. You can't help him.
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Old 08-13-2010, 09:11 AM
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Ugh. It is very hard when our fortunes are tied tightly to another person's behavior. So many of my father's alcoholic decisions affected our family badly when I was a kid....So many of my exH's decisions over the year's have affected me & our boys in material and emotional ways.

My kids and I have been through a lot in the 12 yrs since my divorce - many ups and downs financially (mostly downs!!). But the thing I clung on to was that I still had the ability to give them what it is that all children truly need: which is a healthy, sober, consistent, warm and loving environment to grow up in.

I do have to acknowledge the stress I am under though and ask for and accept help and also take the time, as precious as it seems, to do good things for myself occasionally. Sometimes, when I am really down, it is all I can do to find a bit of gratitude for my health and ability to survive. I guess I hear that little voice saying "it could be worse - this moment right now is more precious than you realize!"

Hang in there!
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Old 08-13-2010, 10:16 AM
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I understand your frustration. Even though my youngest daughter's father has been in AA and not drank in over 30 years, he was never reliable with child support. His income tax returns were intercepted by SRS for many years.

We had some very lean times that I thought we'd never get through, but we did.

Sending you gentle hugs and understanding on the Kansas winds.
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Old 08-13-2010, 05:49 PM
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Having your lifestyle dependent on an A's behavior must be a nightmare, and I thank God that I never faced that. Perhaps you may need to cut down as much as you can, put as much as you can in some account and prepare for the worst.

At least wearing a life jacket is better than sitting in the deck chair waiting for the ship to go down.

God bless
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Old 08-13-2010, 05:55 PM
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There are worse things than having to sell your house. Sometimes we have to do whatever is necessary to improve our situation. I would advise doing whatever is necessary so that you are not dependent on his child support in order to live. A smaller, less expensive place, less eating out, no more cable TV, maybe a better paying job (or a second part-time job) for yourself, etc. I know it isn't easy because I had to do it myself, but I was sure glad I did when after my daughter was 13 years old, her dad just stopped paying any child support at all. We were still able to stay where we were living and I was able to keep paying my bills. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to not be dependent on anyone other than yourself.
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Old 08-13-2010, 09:04 PM
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Originally Posted by 4mylittleones View Post
I know I have to stay no contact but... How do I do that when he is now risking his job?
What is it you think you can do to change him, or what he is doing, if you DO have contact with him?

I agree with Suki--you should consider paring down your expenses so your and the kids' welfare isn't totally dependent on his getting his act together. If he DOES get his act together, you can throw the "extra" money into a college fund. But at least your welfare won't be at the mercy of his disease in the meantime.
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