AH will be sober 30 days on Sunday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
AH will be sober 30 days on Sunday
- if he makes it of course. 9 days in rehab and he's back on the horse- a mtg every day,trying to prioritize his "1 day at a time". Don't get me wrong, I am delighted to see this positive change in him (once again).Always praying that the last relapse will be the last relapse.
The problem is- he is getting better, I am not. I am still as distrustful as ever (which I try not to show) and I am distrustful for GOOD reason. But AH's thinking is well- he did all those things when he was in active addiction- not in recovery. That may very well be true- but I still have nightmares at night about all the things he's done to me, I still feel sometimes that I am being fooled (once again). Alanon helps (some), I just feel like I am falling in a hole I cant get out of while everyone pats him on the back and calls him a "walking miracle".
I'm just scared i guess. I have given this marriage all I have- I don't want to be a dumba** and not see things that (were obviously going on right in front of my face) and I never knew. I love my husband- but he is wrapped up in his recovery (which I know he has to be) and he cant see the pain I am in.
The problem is- he is getting better, I am not. I am still as distrustful as ever (which I try not to show) and I am distrustful for GOOD reason. But AH's thinking is well- he did all those things when he was in active addiction- not in recovery. That may very well be true- but I still have nightmares at night about all the things he's done to me, I still feel sometimes that I am being fooled (once again). Alanon helps (some), I just feel like I am falling in a hole I cant get out of while everyone pats him on the back and calls him a "walking miracle".
I'm just scared i guess. I have given this marriage all I have- I don't want to be a dumba** and not see things that (were obviously going on right in front of my face) and I never knew. I love my husband- but he is wrapped up in his recovery (which I know he has to be) and he cant see the pain I am in.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Winnipeg, MB
Posts: 36
I'm not here to offer you advice only because I don't feel I have the answers.
I do want to let you know you are not alone. I have often felt the anger and frustration that comes with this disease, including when they are in recovery. I've learned recently that relapse can happen at any time, but that somehow we are expected to try to be understanding and supportive. Hard to do when you feel like the cycle keeps happening. Active drinking, recovery, relapse...over and over. I have decided to try this idea of "no contact" that people keep suggesting. Easier for me though...he is my XAH. Difficult only because we have children.
I feel for you and understand your pain. Hang in there and keep coming back here. It has helped me for months even though I never posted until yesterday.
I do want to let you know you are not alone. I have often felt the anger and frustration that comes with this disease, including when they are in recovery. I've learned recently that relapse can happen at any time, but that somehow we are expected to try to be understanding and supportive. Hard to do when you feel like the cycle keeps happening. Active drinking, recovery, relapse...over and over. I have decided to try this idea of "no contact" that people keep suggesting. Easier for me though...he is my XAH. Difficult only because we have children.
I feel for you and understand your pain. Hang in there and keep coming back here. It has helped me for months even though I never posted until yesterday.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I love my husband- but he is wrapped up in his recovery (which I know he has to be) and he cant see the pain I am in.
Just like when he was actively drinking and he couldn't see the pain he was causing you? It may be that he sees it. It may be that he feels bad about it.
Or not.
The thing that I think might be hanging you up (cuz I know it was true for me for MANY years!!) is the why isn't he doing something to make YOU feel better. Why isn't he acknowledging what YOU are going through? And why isn't the world patting YOU on the back for all your long-endured suffering and stand by your man???
I had to learn about how my rigid expectations of other people (particularly addicts!) were a self-inflicted trap and invitation to resentment, sadness, rage.
Yes, in my "perfect world" my exH would have seen what a jacka** he was being and come to me and apologize and I would then have confirmation that I was right. That my vision and expectation of my "perfect world" was indeed the correct one - just like I knew all along.
The universe was trying to teach me, over and over as it does, that it was MY expectations and illusions of believing I know how things should be, that was making me crazy.
Why did I hang on to those feelings for so long? I mean, who wants to feel resentment and who wants to be forever waiting for acknowledgment from some external party????
There were a lot of legitimate reasons why I thought and behaved the way I did. But one big one was - that if I could just show him, them, anyone, that my way was the right way, and get my expectations (which all went down in MY mind!!) fulfilled - then I wouldn't have to change! I would not have to change if everyone just behaved and said the things I was waiting for them to say - the right things!!!
It took real energy and commitment to start changing myself and my my bad habits of mind. And it took a monumental effort to STOP looking at and judging other people's behavior towards me against my expected ideal and start accepting them the way they are and turning my focus away, completely, from their behaviors and onto my own.
Once I made that shift that's when life turned in a huge way for me from miserable and self-pitying to being free and the commander of my own happiness.
Your AH's recovery may or may not be a success - and it may or may not ever include you in the way you wish/think/expect it should. But your recovery from the twisted frame of mind we create when we live with an addict, can be as successful and beautiful as YOU choose to make it. You are free in this moment.
Peace-
B
Just like when he was actively drinking and he couldn't see the pain he was causing you? It may be that he sees it. It may be that he feels bad about it.
Or not.
The thing that I think might be hanging you up (cuz I know it was true for me for MANY years!!) is the why isn't he doing something to make YOU feel better. Why isn't he acknowledging what YOU are going through? And why isn't the world patting YOU on the back for all your long-endured suffering and stand by your man???
I had to learn about how my rigid expectations of other people (particularly addicts!) were a self-inflicted trap and invitation to resentment, sadness, rage.
Yes, in my "perfect world" my exH would have seen what a jacka** he was being and come to me and apologize and I would then have confirmation that I was right. That my vision and expectation of my "perfect world" was indeed the correct one - just like I knew all along.
The universe was trying to teach me, over and over as it does, that it was MY expectations and illusions of believing I know how things should be, that was making me crazy.
Why did I hang on to those feelings for so long? I mean, who wants to feel resentment and who wants to be forever waiting for acknowledgment from some external party????
There were a lot of legitimate reasons why I thought and behaved the way I did. But one big one was - that if I could just show him, them, anyone, that my way was the right way, and get my expectations (which all went down in MY mind!!) fulfilled - then I wouldn't have to change! I would not have to change if everyone just behaved and said the things I was waiting for them to say - the right things!!!
It took real energy and commitment to start changing myself and my my bad habits of mind. And it took a monumental effort to STOP looking at and judging other people's behavior towards me against my expected ideal and start accepting them the way they are and turning my focus away, completely, from their behaviors and onto my own.
Once I made that shift that's when life turned in a huge way for me from miserable and self-pitying to being free and the commander of my own happiness.
Your AH's recovery may or may not be a success - and it may or may not ever include you in the way you wish/think/expect it should. But your recovery from the twisted frame of mind we create when we live with an addict, can be as successful and beautiful as YOU choose to make it. You are free in this moment.
Peace-
B
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Ellima.
I am SURE that you are distrustful of him for good reason. Just because someone gets clean/sober for a while doesn't mean they are automatically trustworthy. Detachment is good and not trusting someone is definitely one way to remain emotionally detached. I personally don't think you need to work on being more trustful. I think it is something altogether different.
What is this hole? Do you know what the problem is?
Check in with yourself and examine whether or not you are comparing yourself to him or competing with him in your mind. Does it feel unfair that he is getting pats on the back for sobriety when all the $hit he "did to you" when drunk was nasty and horrible? That IS unfair but letting yourself continue to see the situation as "unfair" is going to keep you mired in that way of thinking, and keep you from "getting better." One way out of that is to get more emotional distance from it. Try to think of it this way: "Unfair" is for second-graders; as adults we have the ability to let go of those thoughts. Pay attention to your thinking. Notice when you are thinking "unfair." Stop yourself every time you catch yourself thinking this way. The feelings will follow the thoughts.
Also, ask yourself, Am I measuring my self-worth according to how he treats me or how he behaves? If the answer you come up with is "Yes" then you need to work on self-worth and self-esteem. Google it and you will get plenty of info and exercises to do. Whenever my self-esteem has been shot, I get giant poster paper and write down every positive thing about me I can think of in BIG letters, and I put those lists where I can see them and add to them EVERY day.
Boundaries, hon. Allow yourself distance from him. He does not define you and you do not define him. Separatedness.
Ya' know, this is nice and all, but his Recovery has NOTHING to do with YOU. Honestly, it's not our place. My happiness is not centered around or dependent on ANYONE ELSE's sobriety. Whether or not HE relapses is not a reflection of you or your worth.
What would him "seeing the pain you are in" look like? What would it feel like? What would him doing so accomplish? How would it make you feel?
Stop giving the marriage ALL you have and start giving YOU all you have. YOU are NUMBER ONE! When both people treat themselves as their own number one, the relationship falls into place. Start getting selfish. Stop paying attention to him and pay attention to you. Pamper yourself. Focus on your own growth, your own wants, your own needs. What are your hopes, dreams, and wishes for YOU?
The problem is- he is getting better, I am not. I am still as distrustful as ever
I just feel like I am falling in a hole I cant get out of while everyone pats him on the back and calls him a "walking miracle".
Check in with yourself and examine whether or not you are comparing yourself to him or competing with him in your mind. Does it feel unfair that he is getting pats on the back for sobriety when all the $hit he "did to you" when drunk was nasty and horrible? That IS unfair but letting yourself continue to see the situation as "unfair" is going to keep you mired in that way of thinking, and keep you from "getting better." One way out of that is to get more emotional distance from it. Try to think of it this way: "Unfair" is for second-graders; as adults we have the ability to let go of those thoughts. Pay attention to your thinking. Notice when you are thinking "unfair." Stop yourself every time you catch yourself thinking this way. The feelings will follow the thoughts.
Also, ask yourself, Am I measuring my self-worth according to how he treats me or how he behaves? If the answer you come up with is "Yes" then you need to work on self-worth and self-esteem. Google it and you will get plenty of info and exercises to do. Whenever my self-esteem has been shot, I get giant poster paper and write down every positive thing about me I can think of in BIG letters, and I put those lists where I can see them and add to them EVERY day.
Boundaries, hon. Allow yourself distance from him. He does not define you and you do not define him. Separatedness.
Don't get me wrong, I am delighted to see this positive change in him (once again). Always praying that the last relapse will be the last relapse.
I love my husband- but he is wrapped up in his recovery (which I know he has to be) and he cant see the pain I am in.
I have given this marriage all I have-
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Just as their disease lies to them, ours lies to us. Codependence convinces us that if only THEY get sober, WE will be better. Sometimes it happens that they DO get sober. Then the lie is exposed. And we are left wondering what has happened. All we ever wanted has been given to us, but it's not enough. Sometimes, it happens that the alcoholic leaves, or we leave them, and that is how the lie is exposed.
Codependence convinces us that all OUR problems are because of THEM.
Then, when we can no longer blame THEM, we are forced to look at OURSELVES.
L
Codependence convinces us that all OUR problems are because of THEM.
Then, when we can no longer blame THEM, we are forced to look at OURSELVES.
L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
How often have you been burnt by trusting him in the past?
There is NO rule that says you need consign all past hurt, lies, abuse, cheating etc, into a bin and forget them, and trust that THIS time it will be different.
It will be different only if it is different, in actions not words or in your dreams.
My RABF is still sober, working his program and shows no red flags for relapse, but I am not fixated on believing "this is it", the sobriety forever dream come true. I thank God for each day, pray it may continue but know I will survive if it one day goes pear shaped.
After all, we are dealing with a disease that is ready to jump back into our lives every minute, with people who will be at risk, every day for the rest of their lives, of being tempted, and of having the urge to drink.
God bless
There is NO rule that says you need consign all past hurt, lies, abuse, cheating etc, into a bin and forget them, and trust that THIS time it will be different.
It will be different only if it is different, in actions not words or in your dreams.
My RABF is still sober, working his program and shows no red flags for relapse, but I am not fixated on believing "this is it", the sobriety forever dream come true. I thank God for each day, pray it may continue but know I will survive if it one day goes pear shaped.
After all, we are dealing with a disease that is ready to jump back into our lives every minute, with people who will be at risk, every day for the rest of their lives, of being tempted, and of having the urge to drink.
God bless
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