SO aggravated today....
 

My AH is driving me incredibly crazy these days. Being sepearted we still talk and he visits the kids regularly. I made him an appt at my clinic thru my job this morning. I told him last night that if he wasn't going to make it to let me know so I could cancel it. Of course he didn't make it and didn't call. So I tried to explain to him that this upset me because my name is on it and it makes me look bad...he of course immediately explained that,"you've looked bad before." laughing. I was not angry, just trying to explain this. He got ANGRY...hung up on me. I called back...I know, I know....he hung up again. So I decided that if he was going to disrespect me in this way that I would not be answering the phone during the day while I was working. So I got 3 texts....none of which I read during the day. The first said, "Why do you hate me so much?", the second said, "ok", the third said, "Pretty shady, you know you are still married and have kids." (implying I'm cheating). I called on my way back and left a message stating that I did not answer my phone because he was disrespectful with his words and by hanging up. He of course didn't call back. He came to see the kids, and it escalated. Me trying to explain that I wasn't mad this morning and him proceeding to rip me apart from what an awful parent I am, to how rough his life is etc......He told me that, "You are an ineffective and horrible parent." and I snapped. I never should have let that get to me....but it hurt me SO bad. I know I am a good parent. So I got in his face and told him never to say tat again. Not one of my stellar moments. I even shoved him which is so not who I am. I was blinded by my pain and hurt....how dare he attack me at the things I work so hard at. So I yelled at him to leave. He left, came back to get something. I told him I didn't want him here. He said he was going to call 911 if I didn't let him in, so I did. He then got in my way and wouldn't let me out of the kitchen and laughing backed me into a corner and put his hands on me (in a sexual way) and laughed as I asked him to stop. It made my cringe......eventually he let me get by and he left. He pretty much believe that I'm married to him so he can touch me wherever he'd like. Needless to say tonight was horrible...I haven't had a night like this since I kicked him out, and that reminded me of all the evenings I had with him before. HOW CRAZY is that - that was normal!! I am trying SO hard to just live in the moment and not worry to much about what the future holds.....it just frustrates me SO much that we can't have any conversation about anything....he says he feels attacked and "cut down" all the time. I just don't think I am doing that.....and even though I know that....he has an ability to twist everything around and then I start to wonder if I am crazy!!!

What are your plans? I do not think this situation will get any better in the near future.

He is manipulating you, "A's" are experts at deflecting and putting others down.

Let it go, and, keep moving forward.

Um,

Next time he wants to call 911, let him. I'd rather have the cops there.

And, incidentally, his sexually touching you without your consent is something for which YOU can call 911.

Moni, how about trying No Contact? Because what you describe does not sound anything like freedom. It sounds absolutely HORRID.

It is absolutely horrid...and hurtful...and hateful...and any other negative word I can think of. It has been like this for SO long that it just is what it is. I am very worried about he no contact thing. Of course it is NO big deal if he doesn't answer when I call, but he will call my boys cell phones to reach me, or as you can see above when I don't respond he will start texting me bad message and accuse me of all sorts of things. I am exhausted by his behavior and it confuses me because it is such an odd, false and manipulative thing for him...he attempts to make his distorted reality into everyone's reality. He doesn't even drink much anymore...this is just who he is!! I feel in love with the man I thought he was...apparently I did not meet the person he really is, or didn't acknowledge it til now because it is so strange. He is a youth minister at a church, does great work with the kids....and well if you have read my posts, you know a COMPLETELY different person. I love that youth minister, but I hate my life w/ him!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the purpose of separation is NOT to have a life with him. The solution to your problems is boundaries. You separated from him, yet he still calls you, texts you, comes over, touches you, threatens you, and basically does all the same things he did while you were living under the same roof. This must stop. You must stand up and set down some boundaries. Otherwise, what is the point in being separated?

L

Maybe I don't understand how to wet boundaries. I don't feel like he respects any boundary I set ever.....please can you give me an example of this. I told him if he didn't start to respect me I would ask him to leave...and I did. I don't know how to stop his behavior anymore......and I agree LTD...it is the same as before, but now he treats me bad and has the freedom he wants too! Normal people, relationships, if they wanted them to work you'd actually think they'd try to make things better...nope not him! Please can you give me some ideas of how to set and enforce a boundary?

I'm not seeing the bad messages?

The messages I do see, could be deleted without further reading.

I suggest setting a date and time for visits. Stick to it. Last minute changes are automatic "NO".

I suggest not doing anything for him that he can do for himself. He can schedule his own appointments.

I suggest not talking to him about your day to day stuff. It is a hard habit to break.

Okay, for starters, stop making appointments for him. If he needs an appointment, he can make it himself. Also, why is he allowed to come over to the house? You can arrange visitation in a park or at the local McDondalds or wherever. He has used up his 'welcome.' Instead of 'asking' him to leave, I would not allow him in the house at all, until he has proven he will treat you with respect. The thing is, he WILL trample all the boundaries you set, because that is what he has always done, and always gotten away with. Enforcing the boundaries is the hard part, yet it is the only way to protect yourself. So, any disrespect AT ALL, means the conversation is over. Whether it is in person, on the phone, or via text. My XAH tried every manipulative tactic he had to get me to engage. If the conversation EVER went outside logistics about children or finances or the 'business' of ending our relationship, the conversation was over. I either hung up, or 'had to go.' It took some time before he got the message, and while he was still trying it was difficult, but I was consistent. Eventually, he learned not to go there. You have power, all you need is the confidence to use it. :)

L

Pelican - you are right about several things. Yes sharing my day to day stuff...a habit I need to break and setting a time for visiting. Those message weren't to bad, but they get worse the longer I go w/out talking to him - to the point of threats. Thank you for your advice!

Boundaries are not rules for him to follow, they are personal safeguards for yourself. One boundary could be...I will not allow him inside my home unless there is another adult here. Another could be...I will set specific visitation times and days and not just let him come over whenever he feels like it. How about...I won't respond to his texts unless it is absolutely necessary regarding the kids.

Boundaries are for YOU, not for him. If you sit down and figure out what you are and are not comfortable with regarding him, you will be able to come up with some boundaries on your own.

In addition, the ultimate boundary... the restraining order.

You would be able to get one based upon his cornering you and groping you.

You don't have to press criminal charges in most places--you just apply for one at the family court. Keep it in mind--if you don't want to get one yet, that option is there.

Treat him like you would a business client.

If you get a call at work, you take the call if it is convenient.
Same with your AH. Speak to him only when convenient.

If your client calls and wants to discuss gambling tips, you would change the subject (unless you are a professional bookie).
Same with your AH. Stick to childcare, visitation, finances, calmly.

If your client can't reach you by phone, they leave a voice mail.
If it's an emergency, they call your partner/secretary.
If it's important info, they can text or email the information for you to read at your convenience.
Same with your AH. Let him leave a message.
He calls the kids, let them pass on the message. (there is no obligation to return the call immediately)
If he needs to pass on important info, let him text it or email it and you can retrieve it at your convenience.

If a client shows up without an appointment, they only expect a few moments of your time. The client doesn't expect you to stop your day.
Same with AH. Stop making accomodations for his interruptions of your day.

You can do this.

Lots of good ideas here. Where to start?

Make a plan.

Tell us what you are going to do tomorrow.......

Thank you all so much...sometimes I can't believe how far out of control this marriage/relationship has gotten!! I feel so ridiculous for putting up w/ it and struggling w/ my own guilt to get out. Again thank you all!

The only way you get to have his hands OFF you, is if you go totally no contact other than that legally needed about your kids. If you want this harassment and sexual abuse to stop, you need to get legal advice and do what it takes toget thru his thick skull, that you are NOT together and you are not his "property".

Not only is this a horrid experience for you, but what a disgusting example to have set before your children. They do not need to see their father's unacceptable behavior to their mother, or assume it is ok by you, because nothing is done about it.

Honestly my dear, the sooner you take steps to keep him physically away from you, and limit contact to the absolute necessities only, the better and safer you will feel.

God bless