TakingCharge999

Well there was another drill and for some reason XABF and I always end up very close in the line where people in our floor should align in case of an emergency.

I was trying to remember what others have said of me - that I always look calm, something that surprises me as you all know I am an emotional rollercoaster- and I tried to really believe it and stay calm.

It sucks as well because many around us know us from when we were together and I feel they are watching and aware of the dynamics but well anyway I handled it well I think - breathed -

Then a coworker started telling me a funny story and I kept laughing.
XABF stared at me several times but he was wearing his glasses-damn why did I forgot mine-. As usual with the Higher Than Thou attitude.

He is thinner.

Anyhow I felt stuff, but I didn't feel as sad as before. More than anything I just wanted to give him a good punch in the face followed by a kick in...

I am SO glad I got therapy today at 7.
And kick boxing at 830.

Now, on to buying ice cream, paying my rent, and counting my blessings. On with my life.

I feel some progress. I look forward to not feeling a thing. I feel closer to that. In fact I am not as angry as I was during the last drill. Funny how feelings start fading.

The good news is that I am not nervous or afraid they will fade- I look FORWARD to that. I wish I could invite you all to a party the day I feel 100% indifferent.



♪♫ Just breathe... another day, just for me... another day... just breathe ♪♫

JenT1968

I worked a lot with my therapist about how I perceived other people viewed me - I have had lots of problems with social anxiety (far, far less now) and we worked quite a lot on how a) it really didn't matter how other people perceived me and b) I imagine that other people spend far more time thinking about me, inspecting my behaviour and judging me than it is rational to assume that they do: busy people with their own families, friends, work commitments and worries, hopes, dreams, plans for dinner, shopping lists to mull over in their heads etc, etc, probably don't have time for idle scrutiny of my actions.

this helped me enormously, do you talk about how you feel under scrutiny with your therapist?

Fandy

TC I truly enjoyed your post, you have empowered yourself!

TakingCharge999

No but it is a good idea to discuss today. Thanks, Jen.
It is a great feeling to know I am going to do something about it later on. It is like I can rest and focus now because it will be handled later.
I will be broke (she charges 50 per date) but at least I will not go insane. Seems good to me!

wanting

I really like that you post about small progress, as well as big breakthroughs. It's like reading a journal, and it speaks volumes about how it's a journey. I really enjoy reading your posts. Sometimes I feel inspired by the huge amounts of progress you've made, and sometimes I feel encouraged by your celebration of small victories.