I have had ENOUGH! This ALL ends tomorrow!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
I made it!
Hey SR community! I am writing you from my new place... complete with a sweet older lady, lumbering dog and a calico cat. WOW.
Yesterday, the move went well, everything out. All my stuff here.
He texted me last night " the lights are off here, how about you?" like what was I supposed to say, anyways to that? I guess he forgot my "do not contact me ever again, you creep" text from 2 weeks ago.
This morning I got up early to go back to my place, finish cleaning up. His car is gone, apparently boy wonder is driving again without a license, smart.
So, here am I putting the final load into my car, and he drives up. Great.
He gets out of his car, asks if he can help me, it is ackward.
I find the courage to tell him to stop contacting me, via text, calls, emails.
He looks at me, surprised and says he misses me at times and wants to reach out. I put it back in his court by asking "are you still working things out with your ex wife?" Yes, he says. I then say " it is not fair to her or me, when you do this, just leave me alone".
I felt very emotional, but held back the tears until I was driving down the street. All I wanted to do was go home and cry. And then I realized I had a new home and my roommate was there... damn, I wanted to be alone. But instead, I got busy today. I cleaned and cleaned. My roommate was looking at me like I was some kind of wonder woman, but it was the only thing I could do instead of loosing it.
Yesterday, I saw my therapist and she encouraged me to think of a "plan" for when I get the urge to reconnect. Her words are wise, since today I had no plan, clearning just came up. I really need to think of what to do when I happen to run into him, feel the need to talk to him, etc.
Thank you ALL for the wonderful posts of encouragement! Yes, thank you for the invite to the DAMN BOOK CLUB! Seriously! Will look for this book tomorrow...
Yesterday, the move went well, everything out. All my stuff here.
He texted me last night " the lights are off here, how about you?" like what was I supposed to say, anyways to that? I guess he forgot my "do not contact me ever again, you creep" text from 2 weeks ago.
This morning I got up early to go back to my place, finish cleaning up. His car is gone, apparently boy wonder is driving again without a license, smart.
So, here am I putting the final load into my car, and he drives up. Great.
He gets out of his car, asks if he can help me, it is ackward.
I find the courage to tell him to stop contacting me, via text, calls, emails.
He looks at me, surprised and says he misses me at times and wants to reach out. I put it back in his court by asking "are you still working things out with your ex wife?" Yes, he says. I then say " it is not fair to her or me, when you do this, just leave me alone".
I felt very emotional, but held back the tears until I was driving down the street. All I wanted to do was go home and cry. And then I realized I had a new home and my roommate was there... damn, I wanted to be alone. But instead, I got busy today. I cleaned and cleaned. My roommate was looking at me like I was some kind of wonder woman, but it was the only thing I could do instead of loosing it.
Yesterday, I saw my therapist and she encouraged me to think of a "plan" for when I get the urge to reconnect. Her words are wise, since today I had no plan, clearning just came up. I really need to think of what to do when I happen to run into him, feel the need to talk to him, etc.
Thank you ALL for the wonderful posts of encouragement! Yes, thank you for the invite to the DAMN BOOK CLUB! Seriously! Will look for this book tomorrow...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
The F plan
Sounds great!
I just wanted everyone to know I blocked all 3 of his numbers from my cel phone.
It was time.
I am gone, he has no clue where I moved to, no need for him to "haunt" my new surroundings and disrupt my sense of well-being.
I just wanted everyone to know I blocked all 3 of his numbers from my cel phone.
It was time.
I am gone, he has no clue where I moved to, no need for him to "haunt" my new surroundings and disrupt my sense of well-being.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Smart therapist! I would add, make a plan for what you will do in case YOU get the urge to contact HIM. How will you prevent yourself from getting the urge in the first place, what you will do to quell the urge when you get it, and what you will do if the urge takes over and you slip? How will you ensure YOUR feelings, thoughts, and behavior reflect No Contact?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
You have so much fun and happy life ahead.
Keep moving forward.
There are people in the world "the achievers" who never look back - they learn from the past, but never return to it. I want sooo much to be one of those people. It is such hard work!! Sometimes I feel like I am in quicksand, just stuck, frozen by my past.
But reading how you are doing it - helps me.
So you can't let me down -
nahhhh just kidding
Your doing great
Keep moving forward.
There are people in the world "the achievers" who never look back - they learn from the past, but never return to it. I want sooo much to be one of those people. It is such hard work!! Sometimes I feel like I am in quicksand, just stuck, frozen by my past.
But reading how you are doing it - helps me.
So you can't let me down -
nahhhh just kiddingYour doing great
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
2nd day
Last night was the first night of call blocking. It felt strange, but peaceful. I realized that I was getting a sort of kick from what Melody Beattie called "excited misery" in my relationship with my XABF.
I once saw a therapist who mentioned that the "best" kind of reinforcement is the intermittent kind. It is the "best" because the one doing it is totally in charge and the one receiving it has no idea when it will happen again, the receiver is always left hanging, waiting for that next fix, given just enough to have our attention, but not enough to have our needs truly met.
I never knew when he would call, it always seemed random, he kept me in a state of anticipation.
This makes sense to me in regards to this relationship. I always wanted more, always wanted things to be better, always hoped for the best.
And it got me nowhere.
I once saw a therapist who mentioned that the "best" kind of reinforcement is the intermittent kind. It is the "best" because the one doing it is totally in charge and the one receiving it has no idea when it will happen again, the receiver is always left hanging, waiting for that next fix, given just enough to have our attention, but not enough to have our needs truly met.
I never knew when he would call, it always seemed random, he kept me in a state of anticipation.
This makes sense to me in regards to this relationship. I always wanted more, always wanted things to be better, always hoped for the best.
And it got me nowhere.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
Thanks Dini... you are ALL my inspiration!
Every time I think of reaching out to him, I go on to this site.
It really helps me to refocus on what I truly need, not on what will feel good for a moment and leave me with lots of regret later.
Every time I think of reaching out to him, I go on to this site.
It really helps me to refocus on what I truly need, not on what will feel good for a moment and leave me with lots of regret later.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by groybin 
Every time I think of reaching out to him, I go on to this site.
It really helps me to refocus on what I truly need, not on what will feel good for a moment and leave me with lots of regret later.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
It's been 1 week!
I have survived the week in a new place and a new phone number... basically NO CONTACT.
It has not been easy, but I am learning to rely on myself, my family and friends and SR community for support.
Everytime I want to contact him, I give myself "permission" to do it, but ONLY if I wait it out for one hour. So far, the urge passes within that hour and I am able to comfort myself just fine.
Next Monday, I will check my old mailslot one last time and turn in my keys to the building we once both lived in. I plan on being extra gentle with myself that day and will treat myself to something nice later that evening, perhaps a pedicure.
It has not been easy, but I am learning to rely on myself, my family and friends and SR community for support.
Everytime I want to contact him, I give myself "permission" to do it, but ONLY if I wait it out for one hour. So far, the urge passes within that hour and I am able to comfort myself just fine.
Next Monday, I will check my old mailslot one last time and turn in my keys to the building we once both lived in. I plan on being extra gentle with myself that day and will treat myself to something nice later that evening, perhaps a pedicure.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
It's been a week of NC for me - I'm an expert at making rules to block his emails, I can block my home phone on line, blocked him on FaceBook (thought that would be the hardest-actually, it was the easiest), MSN, anywhere where he could sneak in. As for my cell-I have a small voicemail inbox (3 messags) so, to keep that full, I phone it and fill up the inbox. All he gets is the fact that the inbox is full.
Yesterday, I had a lovely surprise-the people I volunteer with got me to the store on the pretense of a meeting-it was as lovely little goodbye party, complete with card and gift certificate. It's a book store-I love books ad all of the staff thought it was the best way to keep me coming back because they told me how much of an impact I made in the store while I was there.
I go back to university (at 50+ years no less) to start the path to an accounting degree and would not have time for the store as a volunteer, but as a customer, I'll always have time.
Told all of them how touched I was and how grateful I was to have them as friends and that it was my sanctuary when things were tough (they all knew what I was delaing with). Out of all of that, made a real connection with a new volunteer - she and share similar stories, tastes in books, music, TV and humor. We spent the afternoon talking like there was no tomorrow. I never thought of ABF nor did I even turn on my Blackberry to see if he called.
My new friend and I are going to get out and do some "girl things" before I go back to school and of course, keep in touch after I start.
It was the perfect antidote to the crappy day I had the day before yesterday.
All iI could think of was that when God closes a door, a window opens...and that it did yesterday.
Yesterday, I had a lovely surprise-the people I volunteer with got me to the store on the pretense of a meeting-it was as lovely little goodbye party, complete with card and gift certificate. It's a book store-I love books ad all of the staff thought it was the best way to keep me coming back because they told me how much of an impact I made in the store while I was there.
I go back to university (at 50+ years no less) to start the path to an accounting degree and would not have time for the store as a volunteer, but as a customer, I'll always have time.
Told all of them how touched I was and how grateful I was to have them as friends and that it was my sanctuary when things were tough (they all knew what I was delaing with). Out of all of that, made a real connection with a new volunteer - she and share similar stories, tastes in books, music, TV and humor. We spent the afternoon talking like there was no tomorrow. I never thought of ABF nor did I even turn on my Blackberry to see if he called.
My new friend and I are going to get out and do some "girl things" before I go back to school and of course, keep in touch after I start.
It was the perfect antidote to the crappy day I had the day before yesterday.
All iI could think of was that when God closes a door, a window opens...and that it did yesterday.
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