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Left my alcoholic fiancée

Old 08-11-2010, 09:43 PM
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Left my alcoholic fiancée

This is going to be a bit long, but I really feel the need to spill out everything.

I've been with her for the past year and a half. I knew she drank too much, but it took me a while to recognize that she's an alcoholic, since I never encountered that before.
I kept trying to get her to quit, and she would, for a week, and go back.
3 months ago, despite the drinking, I proposed to her. Very shortly after that her drinking got worse, and I called off the engagement. She was devastated and so was I, but we stayed together.

A month later, when her drinking only worsened, and she I found out she's leaving work early so she can go home and get drunk, I took her to rehab. She thanked me and told me she's been waiting for someone to get her help.
She spent 3 weeks in rehab, then 4 weeks of intensive outpatient program along with AA meetings. She got a sponsor. She seemed very serious about her recovery, she did her homework, went to meetings. During her rehab she was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She started seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist, got medication for her bipolar and things seemed to be getting better. She seemed so proud when she got her 30 day chip.

2 weeks after that she relapsed, had a weekend full of heavy drinking. At that point I lost hope, with all the help she got, I didn't know what else can be done. I also had to take her to the emergency room twice because she was suffering from bad withdrawal. I almost left her, but I stayed, she promised it's only a relapse and it happens, and that she's continuing to work on her recovery, which she appeared to do.

I suspected that she was drinking after that, but I couldn't be sure, until a week ago, when I smelled alcohol on her breath. She said she's been drinking, so I told her to pack her bags and leave the house.
I even changed my status on facebook to single (if it's on facebook it's official, right?)
She came back the next day and still stayed in the house, and we both kept saying home much we love each other. I found a whole pile of empty wine bottles in her dressing room and told her that I can't keep doing this, and that she's not serious about her recovery.She promised that she is, and that she's quitting drinking again. A few days ago she came home drunk again, I let her go to sleep, and the next morning I packed a bag and left the house for good.
She cried begged me to stay and not to leave her, and told me that love should be unconditional and that I don't really love her if I'm giving up on her.
After I left the house she started drinking again. When I took a document from the landlord for her to sign that we're breaking the lease, she finally realized that I'm serious about leaving, and she became mean and abusive.
Later that evening I went to an Al-Anon meeting, after that she called me and said she wanted to say a proper goodbye. I fell for that and went to the house. She was drunk and mean, so I said I'm not willing to talk to her while she's drunk and I'm leaving. She told me that she's keeping all the stuff in the house, including everything that's mine that I had before we met. I told again that I'm not willing to talk to her while she's drunk. She threatened that she's going to call the police and tell them I hit her, so I just left.

Apparently right after that she called the police and filed a false report for domestic violence. She scratched herself and told the cops I did it.
Today she told me not to come near the house because she's taking everything and that the police are on alert.
I have no idea if there's a warrant for my arrest or not, and I can't go near the house to get my stuff. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought things would turn out this way. I'm a grad student and barely make enough money to pay rent, yet I've been paying for everything for a while since she lost her job. She owes me about $2000 for her share of the bills, and she told me she will never pay me.
I've never been in a situation like this in the past, and I don't know what to do.
Tomorrow I'm going to see a lawyer for some legal advice.
She's trying to get revenge at me for leaving her, but I never thought she would go that far.
Funny thing is, even though she's made my life into a living hell, I still love her and miss her, and I still feel guilty for abandoning her.
I just couldn't see myself living the rest of my life with that.
I really wanted to spend my life with her, but I was having a relationship with her addiction, not with her. It's so hard to leave.
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:19 PM
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(((((Phineas)))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reason.

Here you will find some really great ES&H (Experience, Strength and Hope) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.

First, regarding the current events. I would suggest you go to your nearest police station, talk to the desk sergeant, tell them a brief synopsis and that you ARE ON THE LEASE and ask for Police Assistance to retrieve your belongings.

Police deal with this sort of thing all the time and will be more than happy to assist you. If, and that is a real big IF she did file a FALSE POLICE REPORT, you can probably clear that up quickly with your calm sane manner and a brief synopsis of what has been going on. I actually doubt if she filed a report at all, but was just 'flapping' her lips as inebriated alkies are prone to do.

I speak from experience, both sides of the fence, I am in recovery and have been clean and sober over 29 years and have been a participating member of Al-anon for over 26 years.

Do not attempt to get your possessions, without a police escort. Do not attempt to confront her without witnessess. You will not know if she is sober, hung over, or still on a binge.

Now is when you 'take care of you.' Having a practicing alcoholic in your life can be 'hell' as most of us on here know.

I am glad to see that you are availing yourself of Al-Anon, your meetings will be a big help and great source of strength for you!

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
(((((Phineas)))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reason.

Here you will find some really great ES&H (Experience, Strength and Hope) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.

First, regarding the current events. I would suggest you go to your nearest police station, talk to the desk sergeant, tell them a brief synopsis and that you ARE ON THE LEASE and ask for Police Assistance to retrieve your belongings.

Police deal with this sort of thing all the time and will be more than happy to assist you. If, and that is a real big IF she did file a FALSE POLICE REPORT, you can probably clear that up quickly with your calm sane manner and a brief synopsis of what has been going on. I actually doubt if she filed a report at all, but was just 'flapping' her lips as inebriated alkies are prone to do.

I speak from experience, both sides of the fence, I am in recovery and have been clean and sober over 29 years and have been a participating member of Al-anon for over 26 years.

Do not attempt to get your possessions, without a police escort. Do not attempt to confront her without witnessess. You will not know if she is sober, hung over, or still on a binge.

Now is when you 'take care of you.' Having a practicing alcoholic in your life can be 'hell' as most of us on here know.

I am glad to see that you are availing yourself of Al-Anon, your meetings will be a big help and great source of strength for you!

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
Thanks for the support!
I know for a fact the she filed a police report, I just don't know if she pressed charges. When she told me she's calling the police and I left the house, I immediately called her mom, and she called her uncle, who lives near here, and he came to the house while the cops where still there. Her uncle told the cops that she's probably lying because she's an active alcoholic and the cop told him that he suspects her wound is self inflicted. She, since then, told her uncle that she's still talking to the police and that there's a police car outside the house looking out for me. I don't think she actually went down to the police stated and pressed charges so they will issue a warrant.
Her uncle is on my side because he's familiar with her alcoholic history, which apparently dates back much farther than when I met her, and he's going to go with me to the police station tomorrow to talk to them and ask them for a police escort to the house so I can get at least some of my belongings.
I just hope I don't get arrested. I'm a foreign student on a student visa and a criminal charge could get me kicked out of grad school, deported, and end my career. That's why first thing I'm going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow.
I just want this to go away so I get start to get on with my life.
She's been trying to contact me today, called over 30 times and even went to my office to look for me, but I'm avoiding all contact since she's really unstable right now.
I don't know how a person who loves someone can do such a thing.
I'm going to keep trying the al-anon, to try to keep my sanity, although I'm very not-spiritual and not religious and it's hard for me to connect to the whole 12 step program.
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Old 08-11-2010, 11:34 PM
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Lawyer or no lawyer, I would contact the police, explain that you need to collect your belongings, and given the incident of the night, they will understand and help you.

As for not knowing how a person who loves someone could do such a thing... that's the question we all come here with. And the answer is that she loves something more than she loves you - all alcoholics do.

Stick around. We are here for you.
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Old 08-12-2010, 01:00 AM
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Sry for your troubles.

As we know from reading the forum, a lot of alcoholics are fabulous, intelligent, very loveable people WHEN SOBER it is only when they drink they become unreasonable, mean, nasty and unloveable. But we always know that there is this other loveable person in there somewhere and that is what keeps us loving them. It sounds that you have done everything you can at this stage to help your fiance and that right now you can do no more.

The thing you need to do now is try to safeguard yourself. When the cops turned up at your place they will have seen that she was drunk and that coupled with what her uncle told them would I think make them not take her seriously, and this should be on record.

I would do what the others have advised and go to the police yourself and explain the situation, and ask for an escort to get your own stuff. Take the joint lease with you and if you dont have it a letter off your landlord.

Once all this is done, the fear of the police having issued a warrant will be gone and at least you will have your own possessions back then you can think more clearly about what you want to do next.

It is sad that your fiance could not or would not accept all the help that was offered but you cant make her she has to make up her own mind to do it herself.

Best of luck x
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Old 08-12-2010, 05:41 AM
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Although not an alcoholic (that I know of anyway) my brother was involved with someone who had an undiagnosed mental illness. Things also went bad and she did all sorts of similar things like abusive messages, filing reports of abuse against her and their kids. He had to protect himself because the system usually favours mother. He kept copies of any messages, and every time there was an argument or incident HE would file a police report so it would be on record. Eventually she got the better of herself because her track record of passing bad cheques, fraud and other things became quite apparent, so that every time my brother was brought before a judge, her record spoke for her and they'd dismiss any nonsense against him. He eventually won custody and she has been in jail off and on for her petty crimes.

Protect yourself with gathering any evidence like voicemails/emails etc and please do go to the police to tell your side as the other posters suggest. Pre-empting her can make a difference, because even if this blows over, you cannot guarantee that once you're out and you have your stuff or however it ends, she won't try to pursue further. My brother, even after the divorce, suffered for years with crazy attempts to reconcile. (and when he wouldn't she would do something like cut his utilities, tow his car, stalk him)
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Old 08-12-2010, 05:56 AM
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phineas, everything you describe is actually quite common and "normal" for alcoholic behavior. My point is not to invalidate you or your feelings, or lessen what you are going through because Lord knows it is HORRIBLE. My point is, although we cannot read her mind, although we have no crystal ball, we can reasonably expect what is likely to happen if you continue contact with her. With this in mind, and the magnitude of damage this person can cause to your life, I urge you to STAY AWAY from her.

This self-inflicted wounding and filing a domestic violence complaint is a BIG RED FLAG and could literally ruin your life if you go around her physically. Domestic violence laws and practices are geared toward protecting the ACCUSER, not the perpetrator, REGARDLESS of whether or not the accuser is making it up. So it is smart that you are going to consult an attorney in order to protect yourself. DO NOT go around that woman without the uncle or another member of her family with you! If she gets a protective order against you, what that means is, if you go within a certain distance of her or where she lives (even if you are on the lease) she can have you arrested by the police just by picking up the phone. The way to avoid this is do not go around her.
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Old 08-12-2010, 06:29 AM
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I had a protective order against my XAH and it protected me. She (yours) should not be coming around you and your workplace. Mine did not remember what he did during a blackout....but the protective order worked. He knew I meant business. He stayed away. Eventually I realized I was in love with his potential...not who he was. It taught me boundaries. I know now what I don't want. I am sad for you but you will get through it.
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Old 08-12-2010, 05:33 PM
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Just so you know, you have the right to apply for a restraining order, yourself. I suggest you do so, and enforce it if she violates it.

You cannot afford to be in any kind of relationship with this woman, not given what has happened and what could happen to your life if she ever were to do something like this again. You should have no contact with her of any kind.

I've worked a long time in the domestic violence field. I am aware that there are "victims" who are not really victims. I believe what you are telling us because you have no reason to lie to a bunch of strangers.

No matter how much she promises to change, I wouldn't trust her after something like this. It is abuse toward you, and abusers tend not to change. They are too dangerous to be involved with.

You are handling it the right way. Get your stuff (with escort), get the restraining order if you can, and do NOT communicate with her in any way. If she calls you threatening suicide, hang up and dial 911. Document everything.

And Al-Anon is a very good idea. It is NOT a religious program, despite the mention of "God". I am an agnostic, myself, and I consider my higher power to be the universe. The truth, which is what it is, regardless what spin I put on it.
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Old 08-12-2010, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Just so you know, you have the right to apply for a restraining order, yourself. I suggest you do so, and enforce it if she violates it.
I agree, especially because she's now coming to your place of work since you won't take her calls.

Put the message out loud and clear you will no longer tolerate this behavior, and she will go to jail if she violates the restraining order.

I almost lost a job once when my then psychotic addict/alcoholic husband came in screaming at me in front of customers. I was mortified!

I was too scared of him to do anything about it.

Today I am so grateful I walked away from that marriage.

Keep posting, and welcome to SR!
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Old 08-12-2010, 07:08 PM
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Hey Phineas,

I am sorry to hear of your trouble, but know that I too was in a crazy situation such as yourself. I took my XAGF to rehab and she had some guy follow us, and tell him I was kidnapping her. Now I found out that a report was not made, however it still goes to show you the tatics those in active addiction will use to further the disease. It just plain doesn't make any sense.

I would definitely get ahold of the family members that support you and take care of the matter. If my XAGF would have filed a report on me, I was fully prepared to get a lawyer and take her court for my expenses in the matter.

You definitely are doing the right thing here by stopping contact, they just have to decide for themselves, without dragging us down with them.
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Old 08-12-2010, 07:27 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
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Thanks for the support everyone!
Here's the update.
I went the police station today with her uncle. The desk officer told me that a report was filed, but she refused to let the cops take pictures of the alleged injuries, so they will never issue a warrant.
They then sent a cop with me to go to the house to get some of my belongings. She was there and was very irate and verbally abusive. She kept threatening that she will have me arrested and deported in front of the cop. There were empty wine cartons everywhere. She even called the police to complain about me while the cop was standing next to her. I got as much of my things as I could fit in the car, and she kept saying everything belongs to her.
About an hour ago she sent me a text saying: " I'm going to sleep. Forever. I love you, I tried. Goodbye. "
I called 911 and told them and told her uncle he should go over there. I almost went there too, but my friend stopped me. Glad I didn't fall into that trap.
When her uncle got there, there were 2 cops in the house. She told them she never sent me any text and that She's fine, and files another report against me.
She's gone completely insane.
I will go to the police station again tomorrow, show them the text, and file a complaint myself.
I will then go file a restraining order against her. She's apparently very dangerous.
I have a lawyer that's helping me pro-Bono
I hope this nightmare will end soon.
The person I knew and loved up until 3 days ago is gone.
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Old 08-12-2010, 07:33 PM
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I am so glad Phineas that you are taking the necessary steps to protect yourself and your life from the alcoholic. Good for you!!!
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Old 08-12-2010, 08:45 PM
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I am glad things are working out for YOU!

Bravo Phineas, Bravo!
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Old 08-12-2010, 09:00 PM
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You are handling this in just the right way. You need to protect yourself because she is pretty much out of control at this point. I am glad to hear that you are getting a restraining order.
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Old 08-13-2010, 01:37 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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Big hugs,

Glad you did the right things to protect yourself hun, It seems hard right now as we cannot just wipe out all our feelings at once for someone we cared about, but it will get easier with time. Good that you acted now before marriage and children came along.

Best of luck xx
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Old 08-13-2010, 04:32 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
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My situation was just as crazy but different. I am so glad the police witnessed her insanity and you have the text and you are getting the protective order. You deserve a chapter in the book we should all write on the insanity of the stuff this disease does to people. I am glad a lawyer is helping you. This too shall pass.
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Old 08-13-2010, 04:46 AM
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just wanted to step in here and offer my support, phineas.

we will walk with you through this ordeal. once you put it behind you, you can continue to heal from the trauma, and start having the life you want.

a broken heart is one of life's terrific hurts. feeling betrayed is even worse.

peace
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Old 08-13-2010, 09:57 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Well, I tried getting a restraining order (or a PFA - Protection from Abuse), but I was told that I don't have a case for that. The only way they issue a PFA is if she threatens me with physical violence. Just "plain" harassment is not enough.
They told me at the courthouse that if I want, I can take the police report I filed today for harassment to the magistrate and file criminal charges against her for harassment, but I can only do that on monday.
She kept sending me text messages today that she's going to get me arrested and get a PFA herself. I have not responded to anything.
At the police station they told me that no report was filed by her last night when I called 911 when she threatened suicide, so I hope she won't have any case.
Her mom is coming to town today to help her pack and move out of the house, I hope she'll be able to do something, but I doubt it.
It's amazing that even after I left, she still has control over me and my life.
It's so frustrating! Right now I'm just sitting and waiting for I don't know what.
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Old 08-13-2010, 10:56 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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It's amazing that even after I left, she still has control over me and my life.
It's so frustrating! Right now I'm just sitting and waiting for I don't know what.
Phineas, I don't think you quite appreciate how big a "favor" she has done you by acting this way NOW, that is, BEFORE you married her and had children with her. Because once you marry the person and have children with them, this situation becomes A LOT more painful and A LOT more devastating.

The question for you now is, how did you manage to get yourself so involved with (and ENGAGED TO) someone who is so messed up? The reason you want to investigate that now is so that you don't wind up making the same mistake again, and so that you don't MARRY the same kind of person. Because we do tend to pick the same type of person over and over again for relationship partners. I strongly suggest Al-Anon as a place to start doing this research on yourself.
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