suki44883

Follow your brain. I know it sucks, but there are a lot of people who love each other but are toxic as a couple. They just seem to push each others buttons. Separately, it's possible for each of you to find happiness again. And, who knows...maybe somewhere down the road, she'll get help and then who knows what might happen.

phineas

I met with her again yesterday to talk a little more before she leaves this state.
She still blames everyone and everything but herself.
She still blames me for ending the relationship, saying I gave up, and that I didn't provide unconditional love. She gave me Bill W's wife as an example of someone who didn't give up.
She blames her bipolar disorder for her drinking. She keeps saying that she only relapsed twice in 3 months and how everyone, including her therapist, say it's a good thing and that she is making excellent progress.
She still hasn't apologized for the whole police incident, and still says I grabbed her and left the marks on her arm. I don't know if she actually believes it happened, or just sticking to her story.
This only makes me stronger in my decision to leave.
If me leaving her, and her suicide attempt weren't her rock bottom, I don't know what will be.
She claims she's been sober for the past week and a half, but to me it seems she's just a dry drunk. Still the same excuses and rationalizations as when she is actively drinking.
No matter what I say, I can't get through to her, she built walls of defenses around her and is still not willing to take responsibility for her actions.
I think her diagnosis with bipolar disorder just gave her something to hold on to now and blame.
I'm moving on.

suki44883

So glad to know that you are moving on. Unless and until she admits that she needs help, you would just be spinning your wheels with her. You will find true happiness down the road. The same may not be true for her. Take care of yourself.

seekingcalm

It is incredibly hard to love someone and to know they are not good for you. My daughter is a diabetic, and when I left my exABF, a part of me felt so guilty for leaving him when he had a disease. I would never leave my child, and she has a disease too. But I have learned here and in Al-Anon, that alcoholism is a disease like no other. The insanity that goes along with it is contagious. I would have lost my mind had I not left.
I love him, and I miss him still, but so what? My sanity and my peace and the serenity I have fought hard to obtain and have achieved are the things I will hold on to with all my might.
Stay strong, you did the right thing, you absolutely did the right thing. Don't forget that.

fourmaggie

will someone get this poor guy to an AL ANON meeting....HE NEEDS IT!!

the three C's
1. you did not cause this
2. you can not control this
3. you can not cure this

phineas

Yes, I really need to go, I didn't have the energy with moving out of the house and finding my own place. I'm going crazy.
I got an apartment today on my own. I'm back where I started a year and a half ago, alone. I miss her like crazy and yet so angry at her for taking away my hopes and dreams.
Yes, I need help, I need to get of my *ss and go to al-anon.

fourmaggie

^^^^@phineas, it will all work out...ask your higher power for guidance...but...she needs to do this all on her OWN...and your recovery is just that....all the best my newest friend...and time for HEALING...take it slow...and grieve...

ElegantlyWasted

Sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourself and her. She seems to need to hit her own bottom, and by trying to help you are perpetuating her problems. Kbow that you did everything you could for her. An Idea re your legal issues... Does your university or one near you have a free legal clinic? Your issues seem like a pain, yet relatively simple. You could give some felliw grad students a chance to sharpen their teeth for a good cause.

FarawayFromCars

Phineas,

I am so sorry for the pain and chaos you are experiencing. Although the alcoholic in my life is my sister, I recognize a lot of the same patterns and traits that you described in your posts...my AS has been drinking for 12 years; she has been to countless rehab and recovery programs. She has made promises, threats, accusations, and blamed everyone and anyone for her drinking. She has told me that I do not love her because I set boundaries for her behavior. She uses guilt and manipulation to continue to drink. She makes up incredible stories and has threatened and attempted suicide numerous times. As her sister, the last 12 years have been chaotic, heartbreaking, and frustrating. I love her, but I could no longer stand by and watch her self-destruct. No amount of my love will save her; she has to save herself. I understand the guilt you feel; that one is tough...but know that your fiancee has to do this for herself, and she has to want it badly. I have found this forum to be an incredible place of support..I hope you will continue to post and know that we are all here to listen to you and support you. Sending you good thoughts.

Az1117

Please help me. I saw your post and I am going through 99.9% of what you went through. I am so in love w my girlfriend...ex now as of 2 days ago. Does it ever get better? I can't imagine my life without her but know I can't be in a relationship with her alcohol. I feel sick and so lost. I am trying to be strong and not respond to her but it is so hard.

Hollyanne

Az,
This is an old thread.
Go to friends and family forum and start a new thread.
Introduce yourself. You will get loads of help. Strong peeps there.
Read, read, read.

Carol Star

4 m's do not mother, manipulate, be a martyr, or manage....Watch her actions not what she says........ism's of alcoholism I.....self......me they are selfish !