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Left my alcoholic fiancée

Old 08-13-2010, 12:10 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Phineas,

You're going through the initial stages of a breakup with the insanity of an alcoholic. Keep everything. I suggest that you transcribe the text messages so that you don't lose them. I also suggest that you go back on Monday and file a harassment report, even if you don't feel like it. She sounds as though she's at a point where she'll continue to blame shift until this is all over. If she can get the finger pointed at you, then she's okay, or so she thinks. Keep emails, voice mails, text messages, everything. Make notes on all of it to further identify dates and times. You may never use it, but if you need it, it'll be there.

Sorry this is so difficult! Stick with us on this forum. We've all been there and understand.

Remember also that the alcohol makes her lazy as well as crazy. Chances are that if it takes away from her drinking activities, she'll drop it.
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Old 08-13-2010, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Phineas, I don't think you quite

The question for you now is, how did you manage to get yourself so involved with (and ENGAGED TO) someone who is so messed up? The reason you want to investigate that now is so that you don't wind up making the same mistake again, and so that you don't MARRY the same kind of person. Because we do tend to pick the same type of person over and over again for relationship partners. I strongly suggest Al-Anon as a place to start doing this research on yourself.
I don't know who this person is! I knew she had issues, and I knew she could get mean when she was drinking (not against me, against everyone else in the world), but I've never seen such behavior with her in the past. She was very attached to me and had some fear of abandonment, but I guess my finally leaving really drove her over the edge. Up until a few days ago she was such a sweet person! an alcoholic, but still a sweet and loving person. Now it's a person I've never seen before. Her personality changed completely.
I will never understand that, but I don't care anymore. I just want this to go away, mourn the loss of my love, and move on with my life.
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Old 08-13-2010, 03:48 PM
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As crazy as it sounds, I think Learn2Live hit the nail on the head and you should thank your lucky stars she showed her true colors when she did - if she hadn't gone so ballistically crazy, you might have ended up married to this woman!

Deep breath - this too shall pass. It'll just suck in the meantime.

I wish my STBXAH had flipped out like that. Might have been a wake-up call for me...
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Old 08-13-2010, 04:04 PM
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Been there done that. Stay strong, get on your knees right now and thank God she is not the mother of your children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-13-2010, 04:21 PM
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phineas you are handling the legal aspects of this so well. You are remaining calm and staying away and not engaging. That is huge.

I agree with L2L, what drew you to her? Think about this for the reasons everyone has stated. You do not want to wind up with another woman like this in your life. She turned fast as soon as you would not give her unconditinal love (where have I heard that before). stbxah--that is his mantra--your love is full of conditions. Yep-condition 1 you are in recovery, condition 2 you get treatment for your mental health issues and violent nature and yes there are more. There is no reason to stay with someone who is an abuser--and that is what she is, on top of being an alcoholic.

I'm happy you found a pro bono attorney. It sounds like you have enough stress in your life without tossing financial issues on top of it.

Keep records. Does your cell company keep texts and voice mails or do they drop them after a particular number of days (mine only stay for 10 days and then are dropped). But my alcoholic is courteous--he likes to email everything to me so record keeping has been fairly easy. I also got myself a calendar and wrote down what happened each day. Journaling would do the same thing--and may also help you through the loss of what you thought you had. Best to keep them separate because you may have some strong feelings. Journal for feelings, calendar for the facts.

Stay safe. Stay strong. Stay away from her.
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Old 08-13-2010, 05:22 PM
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well, I'm thankful you made the right decision and got out of this relationship - as it would have taken you down the "heartbreak road" for sure!

Try to remember that you did NOT cause her addiction, you could NOT stop it no matter how much you love her.

Morn for a bit - that is OK. Know that many of us reading this (me included) are jumping for joy knowing you just dodged years of heartbreak and disappointment.

Good for you! I'm proud for you.
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Old 08-14-2010, 06:00 AM
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IMO "unconditional love" in any adult relationship is actually codependence. Unconditional love is for raising small children. Alcoholics and addicts USE the concept to get what they want from others (Enablement) all the time. We actually fall for it and unconditional love for my spouse or S.O. as a personal moral value will keep me mired in the disease-yuck! It worked on me in many relationships over many decades but no longer.

"I don't know who this person is! I knew she had issues, and I knew she could get mean when she was drinking (not against me, against everyone else in the world), but I've never seen such behavior with her in the past. She was very attached to me and had some fear of abandonment, but I guess my finally leaving really drove her over the edge. Up until a few days ago she was such a sweet person! an alcoholic, but still a sweet and loving person. Now it's a person I've never seen before. Her personality changed completely. "
I don't believe ANY of this. I believe that if you dig a little deeper, if you take the time in your life, through all this chaos, confusion, and inconvenience, to slow down and take a long, hard look at yourself (such as we do in al-anon), you will begin to acknowledge how YOU got YOURSELF into this situation to begin with.
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Old 08-14-2010, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
IMO
I don't believe ANY of this. I believe that if you dig a little deeper, if you take the time in your life, through all this chaos, confusion, and inconvenience, to slow down and take a long, hard look at yourself (such as we do in al-anon), you will begin to acknowledge how YOU got YOURSELF into this situation to begin with.
Maybe you're right, but right now I can't see it. She was the sweetest, most caring person I've met. Even now, in the middle of her attempts to ruin my life, I miss her like crazy. I hope al-anon will help me get over that.

As for the new developments:
She texted me at 3:30am and 4:30 am last night, telling me that she is sorry, that she loves me very much and that she tried.
She also called at 7:30am, and left a blank voice mail.
At around 8am, the police officer that came with me to the house a couple of days ago calls me and tells me that she tried to commit suicide by taking a bunch of pills and that she is in the hospital. He said they will probably admit her to a psychiatric ward, and also that now is a good time to go to the house and continue pack my belongings.
The house was a mess, I counted 12 wine cartons around the house. Apparently she told her mom that she doesn't trust herself alone and that she's going to the hospital. She took a bunch of Advil and immediately called 911. So it wasn't really a suicide attempt, just a cry for attention.
I continued to pack my stuff, and every few minutes I sat on the floor and started crying, every little thing reminded me of the good times we had together. I'm a mess.
I don't know what her plans are, from what I heard from the uncle, she wants to go back home, but that's up to the psychiatrist to decide. She is a good actress though, she could convince them to send her home, and then she'll probably continue her vengeance. Though with all the texts and suicide attempt, I doubt anyone will look in her direction.

it just breaks my heart.

And most of all, I will miss our dog (which is her dog, but I've known him since he was a puppy).
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Old 08-14-2010, 05:47 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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What a mess. I'm thinking the very best thing for you to do is get ALL of you things out of there and then go no contact. Block her from your phone, email, etc. and don't have any contact with her whatsoever. She has a boat load of problems and you cannot fix her.
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Old 08-14-2010, 05:54 PM
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Keep doing what you need to do to get distance from her, and take care of YOURSELF. Yes, please go to Al-Anon. It will help you get through this and learn what you need to learn.
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Old 08-14-2010, 07:14 PM
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and, go out and get a dog for yourself! There are many out there that need someone to love them.
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:56 PM
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Well, her mom got her out of the hospital the evening of the suicide attempt.
There was a police stationed outside her door, and he said that they will want to have a court order to commit her to psychiatric evaluation, but they convinced them not too.
Her mom is now in the house packing her stuff. She said she can't be there because of all the memories. Just last week I helped her set up her dressing room that she always dreamed about, and now I'm gone, she can't handle being there. I think she moved on from anger to depression. She keeps saying that I abandoned her, and that she would've never left me if I were sick.
I find myself struggling really hard these days. Even after all the hell she put me through in the last few days, all I want to do is be back with her. Even though everyone tells me I made the right decision by leaving her, so how come my heart tells me otherwise? How do I get over this? I still love her so much, and I miss her so much, even though her drinking made me miserable.
How did those of you that left their alcoholic spouses got over the feeling of guilt?
This is just SO hard!
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:59 PM
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It took some of us longer than others. Some of us had to spend years going back and forth. Some of us put up with untold misery because we hadn't yet had enough. If you're not done with her, then you're not done. When you ARE done, you will know, but that doesn't mean that it will be easy.
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Old 08-16-2010, 06:00 PM
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Be honest...what do you have to feel guilty about?
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Old 08-16-2010, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Be honest...what do you have to feel guilty about?
About abandoning her because she's sick.
I would never have left her if she had cancer, or ALS, or any other debilitating disease, even if it would have affected my life in a way that I had to invest all my energy to take care of her, so why alcoholism?
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Old 08-16-2010, 06:25 PM
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Well, I look at it differently. You didn't abandon her, you were chased off. It's one thing to be sick with something we have no control over or no active part in. It's another thing to use it as an excuse for treating people like crap. Sickness can be treated, but first, the patient needs to admit something is wrong and then seek help.

Sometimes it helps to go back and read our earlier posts to remember just how bad it was. Time has a way of causing the worst memories to fade and then we start to question our actions.
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Old 08-16-2010, 06:33 PM
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Hey Phineas,

I know it's hard, damn hard, but you have to do this for you. Sure cancer and some other diseases seem to be the same, but it is not the same. She must choose to do this on her own, it is not our decision.

You are not abandoning her, you are choosing to protect yourself and in turn it will help her. They do not need us to clean up after them, they need us to let them fall down and let them pick themselves back up.

I realized this after cleaning up after my XAGF and even though she moved on to her next enabler, I still hear stories that ooze out of the woodwork of how even her new relationship is just a mirror to the all the problems we had in ours.

There are resources, but she has to seek which ones work for her. No matter how much we want them to get better, we come to the understanding that we are powerless to do anything.

Going to Al Anon where others had experienced the same things that I was going through is a big, big help. You realize you are not crazy! Coming to SR when I feel like it and hearing similar stories helps keep me strong.

When she decides in herself that she is done, she will be done. Not participating in her drama anymore, may show her it is time to be done. Give her the dignity to find it on her own, she is an adult. No more pitty, no more saving. If it is your HP's will, she will be back in your life, give her time and get yourself strong, so that you can make the best decision for you.
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Old 08-16-2010, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by phineas View Post
About abandoning her because she's sick.
I would never have left her if she had cancer, or ALS, or any other debilitating disease, even if it would have affected my life in a way that I had to invest all my energy to take care of her, so why alcoholism?
Well, I don't know about you, but I didn't leave my husband because he was sick. I left him because he was verbally abusive, irresponsible, immature, and sucking the life out of me--emotionally, spiritually, and financially. If he had cancer and abused me, I would have left also. Having a disease does not excuse disrespect and abuse.

L
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Old 08-16-2010, 06:58 PM
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Very well put LaTeeDa. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but please do not allow yourself to feel guilty. You tried to stay by her side, but she, as most alcoholics do, took this for granted and thought it allowed her the freedom to act in whatever crazy manner she chose. Stay strong, you will get through this! I am 6 weeks broken up with my XABF and it is still hard, but has gotten so much easier. ((((Hugs))))
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Old 08-18-2010, 05:19 PM
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Well, the legal issues are done. We both put our guns down.
I met with her today in a coffee shop. We sat and talked for 3 hours.
At first she was very angry about me abandoning her, later she stopped being defensive, and we had a very heart-wrenching talk. We both still really love each other, but we both know we can't be together.
It seemed like each one of us was waiting for the other to ask to get back together, but no one did.
We said our goodbyes, hugged and kissed and parted ways.
This is by far the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I always thought relationships end when the love is gone, but we still love each other very much. I know we can't be together because she will drink again, but it just feels so wrong to end things.
If the brains says one thing and the heart says another, which one do you follow?
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