Dating: Round 2
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Dating: Round 2
OKay, for those who remember my posts from the fall when I first tried dating post-A, it didn't go so well.
I met someone who I like talking with and who likes talking with me. We have been on 4-5 dates and talked several more times in long phone calls. I feel at ease with him. It is very nice. I of course am now getting nervous.
He mentioned tonight that his mom was an A. Now I am scared that he will turn into one, or maybe he is and I don't know yet...
Support?
I met someone who I like talking with and who likes talking with me. We have been on 4-5 dates and talked several more times in long phone calls. I feel at ease with him. It is very nice. I of course am now getting nervous.
He mentioned tonight that his mom was an A. Now I am scared that he will turn into one, or maybe he is and I don't know yet...
Support?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
This is my new mantra:
"No matter what happens, I will be okay."
It's true. Relax. You can have fun and enjoy his company and if he turns into an A, you know what to do to take care of yourself, right?
No matter what happens, you will be okay.
Really.
L
"No matter what happens, I will be okay."
It's true. Relax. You can have fun and enjoy his company and if he turns into an A, you know what to do to take care of yourself, right?
No matter what happens, you will be okay.
Really.L
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
oh my, fixit, can i related. don't know if you've been up on my posts with regard to my dating life, but if you start spinning, it seems like you just can't stop! the best advice i have gotten, from this board, friends, and my therapist, is to just relax and stop projecting, stop dusting off the crystal ball in the belief that if you peer really hard into it you can see something. but while you are enjoying yourself, watch those behaviors.
recently i have been telling myself exactly what LaTeeDa said. i KNOW, without a doubt, that if this new friendship never turns into a long-term romantic one, and if one day i stumble upon that deal-breaker, i will brush myself off and just continue to learn and grow. and that it simply means "wasn't meant to be".
we can handle that.
recently i have been telling myself exactly what LaTeeDa said. i KNOW, without a doubt, that if this new friendship never turns into a long-term romantic one, and if one day i stumble upon that deal-breaker, i will brush myself off and just continue to learn and grow. and that it simply means "wasn't meant to be".
we can handle that.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He just casually mentioned over creme brulee and coffee, "Oh by the way, just thought it'd be fun to share, my mom's an alcoholic"? Seriously, how did this topic come up?
Ask yourself, "Why am I thinking about being in a relationship with this man already, when we have only been on 4 or 5 dates?" (this is not a judgment, this is a real question to ask yourself).
Can a date just be to have fun and enjoy yourself? A date, to me, really is about FORGETTING the stuff that is always bogging me down, letting loose and having good, clean fun. Are you able to do this, regardless of who you are on a date with?
It was difficult for me to let a date be about just having fun when I was still holding onto old ideas about dating and relationships, still stuck in the past, still angry or hurt or feeling ANYTHING over something someone else did, and still afraid. And it was hard not to feel these things (it was hard to detach) when I still thought I NEEDED someone, when I still leaned on my partner too much emotionally.
When I began to see that I came into this world alone and I will leave this world alone, AND I was confident in my own ability to take care of myself, the way I saw relationships changed. It is disappointing to me now how many decades I wasted in turmoil and tears all because I could not see that I am COMPLETE just as I am.
Ask yourself, "Why am I thinking about being in a relationship with this man already, when we have only been on 4 or 5 dates?" (this is not a judgment, this is a real question to ask yourself).
Can a date just be to have fun and enjoy yourself? A date, to me, really is about FORGETTING the stuff that is always bogging me down, letting loose and having good, clean fun. Are you able to do this, regardless of who you are on a date with?
It was difficult for me to let a date be about just having fun when I was still holding onto old ideas about dating and relationships, still stuck in the past, still angry or hurt or feeling ANYTHING over something someone else did, and still afraid. And it was hard not to feel these things (it was hard to detach) when I still thought I NEEDED someone, when I still leaned on my partner too much emotionally.
When I began to see that I came into this world alone and I will leave this world alone, AND I was confident in my own ability to take care of myself, the way I saw relationships changed. It is disappointing to me now how many decades I wasted in turmoil and tears all because I could not see that I am COMPLETE just as I am.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Thanks Ladies,
The topic came up because I am a raving lunatic and asked him if he is a heavy drinker or does drugs. He said no and then asked me. I told him no, but I dated an A, it was messy and I am now aware that is out there and always looking if someone is or isn't one.
Last night we were talking about families over the phone and he mentioned a couple of things he deals with from his childhood. I asked what happened in his childhood (I am an idiot and do not think before speaking), he said his mom drank. Again, having no filter, I asked if she had been an A. He did not say A, but talked about how much he loved her and how wonderful she was and how he had to protect his siblings from her at times. My exA said the same stuff about his mom. Boys love their A moms and have a hard time dealing with the abuse.
Why am I thinking of relationships so quickly? He is nice and I like him. I have been alone for a long time now. I thought about sex for the first time in a long time the other day. However, he is very different than men I normally dated. He is an academic and has tatoos. I usually dated men who looked like they stepped out of the Brooks Brothers catalogue.
The topic came up because I am a raving lunatic and asked him if he is a heavy drinker or does drugs. He said no and then asked me. I told him no, but I dated an A, it was messy and I am now aware that is out there and always looking if someone is or isn't one.
Last night we were talking about families over the phone and he mentioned a couple of things he deals with from his childhood. I asked what happened in his childhood (I am an idiot and do not think before speaking), he said his mom drank. Again, having no filter, I asked if she had been an A. He did not say A, but talked about how much he loved her and how wonderful she was and how he had to protect his siblings from her at times. My exA said the same stuff about his mom. Boys love their A moms and have a hard time dealing with the abuse.
Why am I thinking of relationships so quickly? He is nice and I like him. I have been alone for a long time now. I thought about sex for the first time in a long time the other day. However, he is very different than men I normally dated. He is an academic and has tatoos. I usually dated men who looked like they stepped out of the Brooks Brothers catalogue.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I doubt you are a raving lunatic and you are definitely not an idiot. It sounds like you still have a lot of anxiety about choosing the "right" kind of man for you, or perhaps choosing a healthy partner. Some people here refer to that as "having a broken picker." I don't know if I personally have a "broken picker" or if my problems are more about one thing leading to another (in the same manner, over and over).
You can be with a nice person who you like, and not jump into a relationship with him too quickly. In my experience, having sex with anyone will likely cause a "relationship", though. I have learned that that is exactly what has gotten me into trouble in the past.
You can be with a nice person who you like, and not jump into a relationship with him too quickly. In my experience, having sex with anyone will likely cause a "relationship", though. I have learned that that is exactly what has gotten me into trouble in the past.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
miss fixit,
i have done the same thing. dating? what is that? I am checking you out to see if you make the long term cut. LOL
I have just recently been interested in sex too, after a looooooong hiatus. so, boy, do i feel ya there too.
hmmm
sex causes relationships?
alright lemme try that, and see if it works!
bwa ha ha ha ha!
i have done the same thing. dating? what is that? I am checking you out to see if you make the long term cut. LOL
I have just recently been interested in sex too, after a looooooong hiatus. so, boy, do i feel ya there too.
hmmm
sex causes relationships?
alright lemme try that, and see if it works!
bwa ha ha ha ha!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I'd use the topic of his mom as a good chance to talk about alcoholism and how it affected his life etc. Get to know him really well and the fact that he is opening up to you is good but use it to probe further into who he is and what makes him tick.
Oh and enjoy!
Oh and enjoy!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
LOL... hahahaha, it is so true. Good mottos.
I had to look up "brooks brothers". Can you send one of those models to me? of course no addictions please.
Another motto I like is "don't put all your eggs in one basket".
In my case I am trusting my therapist with everything. Sorry but I can't seem to build a healthy relationship by myself. I need someone to tell me how its done so I don't repeat the same story.
It is vital to me to have a very clear image of what my needs are... if not, whoever doesn't seem "so bad" may fit the foggy image.... and we know the rest.
I had to look up "brooks brothers". Can you send one of those models to me? of course no addictions please.
Another motto I like is "don't put all your eggs in one basket".
In my case I am trusting my therapist with everything. Sorry but I can't seem to build a healthy relationship by myself. I need someone to tell me how its done so I don't repeat the same story.
It is vital to me to have a very clear image of what my needs are... if not, whoever doesn't seem "so bad" may fit the foggy image.... and we know the rest.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Its like my plan to go to Australia.
The therapist said:
"You are planning to go now because you want to ESCAPE your reality, escape from you.
We will work so if you go, it is because you REALLY want to enjoy a new experience and are excited about the country and new food,friends,activies"
Same goes for a guy, its one thing to go for it because its the only chance "out", and a totally different thing to go for it because it fits a healthy need, it takes your breath away, YOU are interested and fills your heart with joy.
She said there is a difference between surviving and living. All I can say is get to know him and take your time, and for any drives, there are alternatives lol, I'll leave it at that ..
The therapist said:
"You are planning to go now because you want to ESCAPE your reality, escape from you.
We will work so if you go, it is because you REALLY want to enjoy a new experience and are excited about the country and new food,friends,activies"
Same goes for a guy, its one thing to go for it because its the only chance "out", and a totally different thing to go for it because it fits a healthy need, it takes your breath away, YOU are interested and fills your heart with joy.
She said there is a difference between surviving and living. All I can say is get to know him and take your time, and for any drives, there are alternatives lol, I'll leave it at that ..
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Why am I thinking of relationships so quickly? He is nice and I like him. I have been alone for a long time now. I thought about sex for the first time in a long time the other day.
When I finally did start doing a little dating here and there after years in recovery from my codependency, everything was different. I am talking really different.
It was nice to go out to dinner and/or a movie.
Then I would come home, by myself, and that was the end of that.
I gave the date no more thought than thinking I needed to do the dishes, or fold the laundry, or whatever. It was one small part of my entire day.
The last guy I dated was a sober member of AA (with a couple of years sober), had come up from the small town he lived in to attend our group, and I did enjoy the few dates.
However, he started calling every day, which irritated the crap out of me because there was really nothing new to discuss. I was busy being a single mother and working. Our lives were different in a lot of ways.
That pretty much fizzled out without any help from me because he got emotionally enmeshed with a gal in and out of AA, in the guise of helping her, and he went back to drinking.
That's been probably 3 years or more now. I was sad he drank again, but I would have been the same kind of sad for any other member of AA I knew who drank again.
Life goes on, and life is good for me! I have no idea about him, and that's okay.
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