Could use a little advice over here...
 

Hi everyone.

I am not new to this website, but this is my first post. I could really use some advice.

I have been dating this guy for about 7 months now. He told me right away that he was an alcoholic. He hasn't been actually drinking the entire time I've known him, and that is something I really respect him for. It's been almost a year without alcohol.

I wish I could say he's been a year sober though. Has he been drinking? No. But he is "not of sober mind," if you will. Lately I can tell he's just been spiralling downward. He's admitted he's depressed. He's also a self-described "dry drunk." He stopped going to AA meetings a while ago. When he was going, I noticed a huge difference in him. Now...things are just going downhill...

I couldn't be more supportive of him. I've even offered to go to his AA meetings with him. I try to talk about it with him often and find out what, if anything, I can do to help. This is my first relationship with a recovering alcoholic, but I am not unfamiliar with the disease. I grew up with an alcoholic parent, so I have some understanding of it.

Like I said, I am not new here. I have read other posts all over these forums in an attempt to gain a better understanding of him. I am only prompted to write here now because the way he is acting right now is not something I've experienced before...

We started arguing about a week and a half ago...over really stupid stuff. We "broke up" for a couple of days but ended up getting back together on Friday. We live about an hour apart, so I went by him for the weekend. We had a great time...until I caught him in a little lie. I did my best to keep my cool, talk things out, and just let him know that I cared (and didn't want to break up). He pushed me away and was a jerk to me for a while...then he told me he needed to spend the rest of the weekend along (this was early Saturday afternoon), that he couldn't tell me why, but it has to do with his alcoholism and spending the weekend alone would be better for us in the long run. It confused me, but I eventually left.

Sunday is when he admitted to me that he is depressed and a "dry drunk"...that he needs to start going to AA meetings, but he just can't get himself motivated enough to do it. He even said he feels like a fraud...going on a year sober, but knows that, without AA, he could relapse at any time.

On Monday, I tried talking to him about everything that happened Saturday and that lie that I caught him in. He got extremely defensive and clammed up. He then told me we should break up, we're not going to work, etc. He had arrived at a friend's house right then so he told me he'd call me later. He did...I asked him "so we're broken up now...?" and he stuck to his guns saying "I think it's for the best." This is not what I expected. Of course, I love him very much and want to continue the relationship. We talked about it for a little longer (really only about 10 minutes) and he agreed to give our relationship another shot. Then we said goodnight and hung up.

Yesterday, I hadn't heard from him all day (which is weird) so I texted him early in the afternoon to see how his day was going. He only responded "fine." I tried calling him when I left work but he didn't answer. I texted him about a half an hour later to see if he was busy...
He said "yeah, busy"
I said "Doing what"
He said "With friends"
I asked him to call me later but never got a response. I tried calling him later but, again, no answer. I emailed him last night just to say that I am so confused, I am not a mind reader, and that I don't get why he would say he wants to give it another shot if he was going to avoid me like the plague. I told him if he needs some space, that's fine...just to tell me. I didn't get a response on that, but I didn't expect one.

This morning I texted him to say "good morning babe. Hope you have a good day"...He replied "Thanks you too." I asked him to check his email. He said "Already did." and when I asked what he thought, he stopped responding. A while later I told him that I was only asking him to not keep me in the dark. I ended asking him if he really meant it when he said he wanted to give us another chance. Nothing. A couple of hours later I texted him, once again, to say that I am just going to operate on the premise that we are together and am still going to go with the plans we had before he started ignoring me (which were for us to get together this weekend). I haven't gotten a response...big surprise.

I don't know what to do. This is hurting me really bad. Everyone says I should just ignore him and wait for him to come to me, but I feel it's necessary to handle things, with him, a little differently. I feel like he's pushing me away and I don't know what I did wrong. I want to be here for him and he knows that. I tell him all the time that I love him and am very proud of him.

Sorry I've rambled. I am just so lost...I don't know how to handle this. And I am scared to death it could get worse...

Thanks in advance.

Why do you think him pushing you away equals you did something wrong?

L

hi lisa-

perhaps he is drinking again? that would explain the avoidance.

perhaps he's not. anyway, he obviously wants some space. that is what he is communicating.

Lisa,
What kind of relationship would you LIKE to have? Reading your post makes me very sick to my stomach because you have described the dynamic of one or two of my previous relationships almost to a "T". And I can tell ya', they were never the kind of relationship I wanted to have.

It sounds to me like he's pretty much made his desires known. He wants some peace and wants to be left alone for a while. He was ready to just end the relationship but you talked him out of it. Not to sound harsh, but repeatedly calling and texting when he doesn't respond sound like maybe he's feeling a bit smothered.

Whether he is drinking or not is really beside the point. You are feeling upset and hurt by his behavior and actions. Maybe you should just step back for a while and give him some space.

I just don't understand why he would push me away unless I did something wrong. We've got so much in common it's ridiculous...it's not like we're totally incompatible or wrong for each other. Up until recently, we've always had a lot of fun together.

God, I hope not....

I can't say I am perfect...I know it takes two to argue, fight, whatever. I would love to have a relationship with him...I've been in my share of bad relationships and I wouldn't classify this as one of them. He really is an amazing person...we've gotten very close...he knows me better than most people. I can't stand the thought of not having him in my life. I feel like this is happening out of the blue and I just have no idea how to handle it. :c020:

I really don't feel like it's over yet...for either of us......

Could it be possible that his actions, or lack of, have absolutely nothing to do with you? Can you accept that maybe he just wants some space?

L

Thanks for the response. It's all so much easier said than done. I wish he could just tell me he wants some space (if that is really what's going on). There are things I need too...I am going crazy over here. Yes, I am very upset and hurt...to say the least. Not to mention anxious and on the verge of crying all the time. I just hate not knowing. Maybe I'm in denial, but I don't think he was ready to "just end the relationship"...things are usually great. He's been "in a funk" lately (his words, not mine) just because he's on a break from school and, because of that, has been really bored. His boredom has turned into depression, and the depression has gotten worse and worse. That's when things started to get rough... :( You're right, I probably do need to step back and let him sort things out. I hope I can.

I guess so, I just wish he'd communicate that to me. It's hard for me to leave things up in the air...I just want to know everything is going to be okay with us. If I had that reassurance, I would do anything. Unfortunately, I know that's not realistic.

Sometimes (okay, many times) men are not all that great at talking about their feelings. Maybe he feels that just not responding is easier than explaining that he needs some space. It sure sounds that way.

When I was much younger, I was way too clingy and wanted to be connected to my guy pretty much all the time. I can't imagine how many guys I drove away by just being too clingy and not giving them any room to breathe.

Again, just stepping back and not contacting him for a few days will let you know if he needs the space and time away from you. After all, he knows how to reach you if he wants to talk to you.

How about this? Try reassuring yourself that everything is going to be okay WITH YOU. No matter what happens with him.......

L

I guess because it hurts so much to think of my life without him in it. I don't feel that everything would be "okay" with me.

I think you know in your gut something is WRONG. But you are attributing it to YOU, that YOU did something wrong. I doubt that very seriously.

Maybe, but if it's something else then I wish he'd let me be there to support him and help...if I could.....

I would say that it is impossible to really crawl into anothers head. To me, it appears that he wants some space, and, there is nothing wrong with that. If he needs the time, what is wrong with that?

There is no reason to blame yourself, this is his decision and his reasons are his. The more you try to analyze his reasons, the more frustrated you will be.

Maybe he just doesn't want to be with you... he's screaming for some space, give it to him.

That sounds more like dependency than love............

L

That's a hell of a lot of (unfair) responsibility to lay on him. I have dated men who smothered me, made me feel responsible for their happiness, and to be blunt, in the end.. I couldn't get far enough away from them.

Find yourself..