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Could use a little advice over here...

Old 08-11-2010, 04:34 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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You've only been seeing him for 7 months. You had a life before you even knew he existed. You won't die without him. You'll be fine, but even so, you don't know that the relationship is truly over. Like someone said, the guy is screaming for some space. If you don't give it to him, he'll take it anyway, but you may not like how he does it.
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Old 08-11-2010, 04:55 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Hi Lisa, I'm glad you're posting and looking for advice here.

I'm thrilled you have the honesty and introspection to say this
I guess because it hurts so much to think of my life without him in it. I don't feel that everything would be "okay" with me.
I have spent much of my life chasing after men who don't want me. It's no mystery why, I'm an adult child of alcoholics and had no real love or support when I was growing up. Still don't, not from my parents at least.

So, I spent decades chasing after men who behaved exactly like your boyfriend. And I responded in this way: followed, wouldn't give them their space, made myself as charming beautiful and enticing as possible so I could hold onto the few moments of attention they gave me and simultaniously ignore when they weren't interested, telling myself, "He'll see. We're meant for each other."

I chased after AH. We had kids. He tried leaving the entire time.

I also felt like you, that I wouldn't be ok without him. That I would die, actually. I felt like I was dying.

I remember the moment I realized that the total despondency I felt about losing my husband was really due to the despondency I felt my entire childhood because my parents didn't love me.

One day, we were fighting about something, I was crying and he was mad. He left the house and I literally had to stop myself from running after him out the door and begging him to not leave me.

Then, I remembered the incident in my childhood when that had happened, when my parents were leaving me home alone and my mother was only angry with me. She didn't comfort me. She yelled at me.

That was a real turning point for me. No man, no person should have that power over me. Have the right to make me feel like a child running after and begging to not be left alone.

I gave it to him, that power, and didn't even know it. I blamed him. I begged him. I pushed him away with my neediness and gave away my power. He wasn't interested in spending time with me anyway and I was embarrassing myself by chasing after him, but I couldn't stop myself.

Now a days, when those feelings surface, I have a few tools to deal with it. I am uncomfortable, yes, but I know with is really going on-I"m giving away my power. It's not his fault. It's mine for not taking better care of myself.

Every time this happens to me now, I regroup and start spending more time on myself-making my own damn life better without him. and each time, I get stronger and better. I now do amazing things and if you met me in real life you wouldn't believe I was ever so needy and despondant. But I was.

I learned that I am more than ok without this man, without any man. Today, i can be alone. It's still hard at times, but mostly it's wonderful.

Keep coming back. Be brave Girl. Look at yourself. You'll only benefit from it.


YouTube - ‪How To Be Alone‬‎
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Old 08-11-2010, 06:32 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Wow, Transform told it.

Please Lisa, pick up your heart, put it back in your chest and breathe.
You are not going to get the reassurance, answers or attention you are seeking from your boyfriend.
Leave him alone, and take care of yourself.

Beth
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:20 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lisa41580 View Post
I couldn't be more supportive of him. I've even offered to go to his AA meetings with him. I try to talk about it with him often and find out what, if anything, I can do to help.
If there is anything I've learned, it's that his recovery is HIS. You're offering to go to meetings, trying to talk about it often, pressing him for 'what will help'. That's not supportive, it's over-supportive. Google codependency or pick up a copy of "Codependent no more". Sometimes people need to tackle their issues alone, and he may be feeling a little pressured by your desire to help and therefore is resisting.

Originally Posted by lisa41580 View Post
Like I said, I am not new here. I have read other posts all over these forums in an attempt to gain a better understanding of him. I am only prompted to write here now because the way he is acting right now is not something I've experienced before...
Now you're on forums trying to understand HIM, and now you've started arguing and he's pulling away. Again, it's a bit over-supportive. Have you considered that's why you're fighting? Because he wants to be left alone? It's like you won't take no for an answer unless it comes on your terms as you're not ready to let go of him. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and it's very likely if he's struggling that he will have no reasonable, rational or acceptable answer for you - and that's the way it is. You have to find it in yourself to reconcile the fact that he may not want what you want and let him go.

Originally Posted by lisa41580 View Post
On Monday, I tried talking to him about everything that happened Saturday and that lie that I caught him in. He got extremely defensive and clammed up. He then told me we should break up, we're not going to work, etc. He had arrived at a friend's house right then so he told me he'd call me later. He did...I asked him "so we're broken up now...?" and he stuck to his guns saying "I think it's for the best." This is not what I expected. Of course, I love him very much and want to continue the relationship. We talked about it for a little longer (really only about 10 minutes) and he agreed to give our relationship another shot. Then we said goodnight and hung up.
You say in another post that if he doesn't want to be with you he should just communicate it. I think he just did, and you talked him out of it. And then you're surprised that he's not answering your texts/emails/phonecalls? I know I've encountered times in my life where I was roped into doing something I didn't want to do, because it was easier to agree than to fight it. Then I'd avoid the situation! And then when you did reach him, you interrogated him on who he's with, doing what, why etc. I think his actions are loud and clear.

Originally Posted by lisa41580 View Post
I don't know what to do. This is hurting me really bad. Everyone says I should just ignore him and wait for him to come to me, but I feel it's necessary to handle things, with him, a little differently. I feel like he's pushing me away and I don't know what I did wrong. I want to be here for him and he knows that. I tell him all the time that I love him and am very proud of him.
Why do feel it necessary to 'handle' things with him - sounds like because he's struggling with HIS OWN problem, you feel the need to amp up your loving support more than usual because it's what you feel he needs? Back to my first point, read up on codependency. It's classic codie and it will serve to push him away very fast. Realize in this last quote of yours how many "I's" you've mentioned. I love him, I want to help him, I tell him I'm proud of him. I feel it's necessary to handle things. His struggle is about him, not you but you're making it about you. You can also google something called the Karpman drama triangle. It's when we offer unsolicited help to someone, then feel resentful to them for not accepting or being grateful for our help.

I've been in your spot and I know how agonizing it feels to want to wring an answer out of them, especially the answer you want to hear, and you're left with nothing. The trick is to find these answers within you and then you'll never have to rely on another for it and feel this empty. Do you go to Al Anon? Especially if you grew up in an alcoholic home, you may find this beneficial. It will help you find your path, regardless of whether he finds his, and whether you're with him or not.
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Old 08-11-2010, 08:20 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Hi Lisa,

In my experience dealing with my alcoholic sister, I have found that she is the one who ultimately has to learn to handle her problem. I tried the I love her, I want to help her, I will bargain with her, I will go to meetings with her, I will do this for her because I want her to get better for many years...and it didn't work. Long story short: the A has to want it badly for him/herself and want it enough to get better on his/her own.

That doesn't mean we cannot be supportive, but more so that it's not about us, at all. It is about them--whether they are drinking or whether they are trying to get sober.

Because he needs his space--whether to drink or whether to get sober--it doesn't mean that you did anything to cause that need in him.

What can you do for you to help yourself better cope with the fact that he's stepping away right now?

Sending you hugs...
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Old 08-12-2010, 07:50 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Reading your post reminded me soooo much of things I felt, how I was treated and what I went through...
It sounds like you're walking on eggshells b/c you don't want to upset him, or say something wrong, push him to the limit to already upset his already unstable world...?

It sounds like you're making excuses for his behavior because you want to stand by him....

I did it too. I wish I hadn't. A lie is a lie. I caught mine in lies too, and tried to talk "calmly" about them. It got me nowhere except feeling a lack of respect for myself because I didn't stand up for myself and I let someone treat me so poorly.
He stops respoding to you, and you want to reach out and make HIM ok, and wonder and worry about him...
What about you?
Sadly, he is certainly battling alcoholism, and I hope he beats it truly....besides that, it sounds like this guy can be a complete jerk; extremely manipulative...and wants to be around at his convenience.

I hope this isn't coming across to harshly. When someone treats us so badly, my hope is that we stop worrying about what we did wrong (which is probably nothing!)...and simply have enough self esteem and respect to say .... "I do NOT deserve this!!! Buh Bye."

Hopefully, with enough focus on OURSELVES, and maybe becoming a little selfish, we will get there.
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Old 08-12-2010, 09:44 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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You aren't doing anything wrong but he clearly needs some room. You have no idea what is going through his mind. Maybe he feels he is close to drinking again? Which he will never tell you btw. Go by his actions. He is telling you something loud and clear. Stop texting, calling etc. He will talk to you again but i read your post and I even felt the pressue you were placing on him
Deeeeep breath. OH and don't do that texting for answers thing. Id wait until you can talk to him on the phone or in person. There is way too much ambiguity in texting, too much room for misinterpretation. But definately focus on yourself and let him sort it out.
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Old 08-12-2010, 12:15 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Hi Lisa sorry for pain

Keep posting
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