questions about boundaries and guilt
 

Ok, I'm working here at the computer and neighbors daughter just came over and rang the doorbell. Twice. I didn't answer. I didn't want to. I didn't want to be interrupted. The kids are at their dads for just one day this week and I'm working. Plus, we are not interacting with that family any more. Period.

But-I'm also resentful. I don't want to talk to her. I need some time away from her and her family to reset my emotional clock. and now I'm feeling guilty.

why do I feel guilty?
Why do I hold a boundary and then feel bad about it?
Now I"m combatting texting the dad to make excuses for why I didn't answer the door. WHAT. THE. HELL?? I'm so annoyed with myself.

The more you do it, the easier it will get. You have to be consistent with boundaries or they will not work.

Theres a bell on my door to let me know someones there, not to tell me to jump and open the door. Just like how the phone rings to tell me someones calling, not to tell me I have to answer it.
Don't feel guilty, if I do't answer mine I was in the bath. I'm sooooo clean lol.

Ugh, well he just texted me, saying his daughter wants to know if the boys are around tonight. Please tell me what to do. I'm overwhelmed, again, with work (where I'm the one that makes all the decisions) and utterly trust youse guys.

Thank you Suki. I will keep practicing. And Lucy this simplicity is brilliant
I want to text him, out of basic manners, " I am working they're at their dads."

Is that ok?

This mixture of resentment and guilt-what is it? It sure as hell isn't healthy.

I mean, how are they suppose to know Im all done being the baby sitter and don't want her around the kids.

I feel like I should tell him, but I am not telling the kids we're taking a break, just doing it.

Then I get resentful because I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW

AND I HAVE PMS. dammit

You don't even have to explain yourself, just "They're at their dads."

transformie,

i'm also learning that i do not have to answer the door, i do not have to answer the phone.

i have found if i do this for a little while, people get the message.

no need to feel guilty for re-claiming your own space.

and, you don't need to explain yourself either.

hang in there. they'll get the message.

naive

Personally, I'd leave it an hour or so, then reply saying 'sorry I was busy working, I didnt see your text, no the boys arent here until whenever'
let's him know you were busy, and that you don't/won't/can't respond right away to a textbu you have the manners to respond when you are able to, but that's just me.

Well, that's the difficult part about boundaries--enforcing them. It doesn't matter if you explain them or not, but you do have to enforce them. In fact, explaining them sometimes gives us the expectation that others will then abide by our boundaries, thus creating more frustration and resentment when they don't.

Deciding you don't want (fill in the blank) in your life is easy. Actually NOT ALLOWING (fill in the blank) in your life is the hard part. Is it worth the effort? Only you can decide.

L

Thank you everyone.
I sent him a text, an hour later, saying, "They're at their dads."
Told AH, he said, "no way she's coming over here." I also just found out he told the girls dad during their last conversation that, when he has the boys he just wants to hang out with the kids. Alone

I appreciate all the help and feedback here, especially Naives gentle truths. You got it going on.

So while I was typing this, the dad texting me "ok thanks." I"m so freaked out by the whole situation. It stresses me out.

This is not new, the being stressed out by conflict.
The setting and keeping boundaries part is. I'm hoping that the follow through will make this ancient crap go away.

After all, why should I feel uncomfortable? They're the ones that are imposing!

AND it's hilarious that you guys call me Transformie. Who came up with that?:tyou

The boundaries thing gets easier, I found it difficult at first till I realised most healthy people have them, they just don't call them boundaries, it's just what they do like it or lump it.:rotfxko

:cheer:



it does get easier...and easier and easier..LOL
keep reading the forms...sounds like your "STUCK" in stinking thinking....<<<( my AUNTS words...sorry needed to say it)

Nice cheerleader Maggie. Thanks!
Stinking thinking huh? I never thought of it that way, but it sure ain't helping me.

I"m going to yoga, that'll fix everything.

You could also text, if he persists, "In light of recent events, I am not comfortable with a friendship between the children at this time. Thanks for your understanding". And leave it at that. You don't have to justify, argue, explain or defend anything. Your house, your rules. And this neighbour dude is just going to have to learn to respect the boundaries.

How's this translation, "Look, lets take a break with the kids for awhile."

I appreciate your phrasing, paintbaby, but it sounds too academic. I don't speak to him that a way.

How do you like being told your language is , "too academic?" :)

Also, I was talking about her with the kids and asked if they'd ever seen her dad tell her no. They rememered one time, when she wanted him to buy an application for his new phone for her to play a game and he said no a million times. The boys reported that she said she was going to just order it anyway behind his back because it was only $20 and she wanted it.

They know she's screwed up. I just said, well, if you're an adult and you do that what do you think will happen?

I can tell my littlest guy was sad, he misses his friend, but I've been taking him to play with other friends. He'll be ok.

It took time for me to learn to speak with others differently. Keeping my communications in the "I" mode helps alot...."I'm taking a break..." and it lets the other person know what my plans are and also that their input is not required. By saying "let's take a break" the door is ajar for him to keep this issue on the table for further discussion. It's up to me to decide when a conversation is over.

I love this slogan: "Say what you mean, and mean what you say but don't say it mean." How the other person chooses to respond to my direct statement is entirely up to them.

I love being too academic! :)

What I was thinking, though, is that it can be helpful to take all emotion out of it, say it straight, say it like it's YOUR boundary, and don't leave a hook for him to grab onto. Because honestly, he sounds like the type who doesn't hear "no"--much like his kid. Maybe don't worry so much about how you say it, or about hurting his feelings--just be sure that you say it clearly, without leaving room for a negotiation--because I'll bet he'll try!

Wow. I love this. I don't think I would have thought of it.

Is it true that normies just take care of this stuff without combat training? I has'nt considered the possible chess moves of this other person- but you're right. Saying I"m taking a break shuts just about all the doors he might try to open, all though I think he's getting it right about now.

That's not to say he won't try it again tomorrow. Why shouldn't he? I just don't want her coming over at all, then I'd have to explain to the kids that she can't stay, because her usual thing is to ring the doorbell, and when you come to the door she walks right in.

That's the established boundary. Right now I"m creating a different one. I guess I better text him something, or else she'll come over tomorrow when the kids are here and I'll be forced to tell her to go home. Then my son will want to know why.

WTH do I tell him? I've been avoiding telling him anything.

Ok, I sent him a text that said we wouldn't be available to hang out for awhile, that we needed space.

I"m afraid he'll want to discuss-defend her and say something about the porn thing or whatever, but have already made up my mind to not answer any of his texts.

I did this because I don't want her ringing my door anymore.