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confused again....

Old 08-10-2010, 11:12 PM
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confused again....

AH and I have been seperated for I think about 3 weeks now. Of course during that time he has worked on trying to make me feel guilty about his living situation and being away from the kids. Truth be told, though we are seperated he spends alot of time with the kids, maybe more than he did before. Anyway for the past 3 weeks we have been talking alot. I have been feeling very lonely...with 6 kids and a busy life...I just enjoy sharing my day and feelings with someone who understands. So...he still won't really talk about anything. I know...I know some of you are asking yourselves what it is going to take for me to see it isn't going to get any better. Well, so yesterday I caved into my guilt and told him he could come back. Here's the thing though....he didn't. He has complained and complained about his situation, and how much he missed the kids and hates this....and yet won't come back. He texted me and said that when I stop blaming him and admit it is us.....then he'll come back. Let me say that I have never said it was all him, I always knew I owned part of our problems. I felt like this was a slap in the face.....I feel like he expects me just to fall back in line so we can get back to normal. I know that I have given this man chance after chance after chance......and was ready to give it one last hurrah and he refuses. I honestly believe that while he may not like his living situation, he really enjoys the freedom of doing what he wants when he wants and answering to nobody. Does he think this is just some game??? I am exhausted from it all! Thanks goodness I go back to work next week, I think that will keep my head on straight - less time to think about all of this!!
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Old 08-11-2010, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeingMyself View Post
so yesterday I caved into my guilt and told him he could come back. Here's the thing though....he didn't. He has complained and complained about his situation, and how much he missed the kids and hates this....and yet won't come back.

He texted me and said that when I stop blaming him and admit it is us.....then he'll come back.
I'm so sorry.

I can see that his actions do not match his words. Can you see that?

The next part, the text, is manipulation and blame-shifting. The A wants you to make a confession to ease his guilt. Once you make this admission, he offers to come back.

Look closely at what he is offering you:
his alcoholism is not the problem
your personal relationship with him is the real problem
you are wrong in blaming alcohol
when you stop blaming alcohol - the relationship will work
he can come back to fix the relationship (while still drinking) if you take all the blame
life can return to the status quo he desires.
Is that what you wanted?

You did what you thought was best. Now you are hurting.

Be gentle and forgive yourself.
Dust yourself off, pick yourself up, find the lessons and move forward.

Let us know how we can help.
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Old 08-11-2010, 05:41 AM
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I don't think it's necessarily a game he is consciously, deliberately playing, but it is all about him being the victim.

Look, if you kick him out, then it's your fault, poor him, he misses the kids, yadayada.

So you give in, and offer for him to come back. Now he thinks, ruh-roh, it isn't so bad being able to drink as he pleases, no one bugging him about his drinking. SO, he is trying to guilt you into the situation where you "admit" this is all your fault, so either (a) he can stay where it's comfy at the moment, but it's YOUR fault, not his choice, or (b) if you do let him come home, you will stay off his back about the drinking because nothing is his fault, it was all you all along, as you ADMITTED.

Actually, it's pretty classic passive-aggressive behavior. Just making himself the victim.
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Old 08-11-2010, 05:53 AM
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Hiya

Six children on your own must be tough, I can see why you asked him to come back, and his refusal certainly must have seemed like a slap in the face.
I think in his mind he now thinks he has you where he wants you, lonely and needing him.

Maybe distance yourself from him entirely for the time being, dont reply to his texts etc, or discuss anything not related to the children. Tell him cheerfully that you think he is right coming back is not the solution and thank him for pointing that out.

He has somehow managed to get everything he wants now (in his mind). He can see his kids, drink when he likes and thinks he can come back to you anytime HE gets lonely.

You have us here to talk to.

Best of luck hun x
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Old 08-11-2010, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
I'm so sorry.
his alcoholism is not the problem
your personal relationship with him is the real problem
you are wrong in blaming alcohol
when you stop blaming alcohol - the relationship will work
It is as if you have been in our house! This is totally my AH's argument, almost verbatim.

Too funny. Thanks for this.
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:37 AM
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I feel like he expects me just to fall back in line so we can get back to normal. I know that I have given this man chance after chance after chance......and was ready to give it one last hurrah and he refuses.
Moni,
you are not confused at all. you got his message loud and clear.
when you learn to deal with life on HIS terms, he will come back.
you are getting it Moni.
Yes, he does think this is a game, and he thinks he can "win".
Don't play.

Beth
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