He leaves the 20th

Old 08-10-2010, 10:04 PM
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Wink He leaves the 20th

He will go live with a gay friend of his. The gay friend has a partner and gives him relation advice such as choosing one day of the week to meet each other. We chose Tuesdays.

Oh BTW the sister of another mutual friend will live there. He says she has 32+ and is a good person.I asked if he would introduce me to her and he said yes. Mmmh. Right...

Anyway, I am just glad I won't have him around all the time anymore.
He said that he will keep keys in case he needs to rest or something. I said No and didn't feel guilty.

Yay!my long career against knowing myself for real and taking myself and my interests seriously is over!! guess who is considering a 9-session painting class in a visual arts center?

I am so close to living my perfect day.

I talked to a mom's friend and she asked me to paint something for her! so now I got 7 requests for art that I have promised. I will be a busy woman.

I also saw courses about African drums for beginners, photography, women archetypes throughout history, short films- 2011 and 2012 will be busy years...

Oh and that certification exam I have put off for 4 years because I didn't feel intelligent enough? I booked it for October. And I find I already know several of the topics. I am going for it 100%.

Friday I asked a good friend for lunch and got my therapy. Saturday I planned a Dr House season 1 marathon with another good friend. On Sunday I'll donate some pet stuff to a dog shelter. And I may meet the new Panda in the zoo they sent over from Mex city. And put a fake tattoo in my arm, I loved it.

I am feeling so great because I am approaching people that share interests with me and starting to get out there. I am afraid of course and I know I will feel lonely, unmotivated often. But I know deep down I'll be happier and probably I will be too tired to even worry.

Did you watch the Almodovar movie "everything about my mother"? A character named Agrado says: "One is the most authentic, the closer she is to what she imagined of herself"
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Old 08-10-2010, 10:22 PM
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This is FANTASTIC news! I am so proud of you, you're going to do great things.

thank you for posting this. I need to remember what happens when I take all the energy I used to pour into AH (down the drain essentially) and put it into my own life. Amazing things happen!! I love this thank you!
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Old 08-10-2010, 10:23 PM
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(((TC))) - SO glad to hear he is finally leaving, and that you have all kinds of plans to keep yourself busy! I think you'll be amazed at how much more peaceful your life is, and won't miss him much, at all.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-11-2010, 01:47 AM
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good for you for refusing him your house key! well done!

i would make sure that he takes everything of his when he moves and not permit him to use your house as a storage locker. it was my xABF method of having a reason to keep coming back.
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Old 08-11-2010, 02:30 AM
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Great news! Good luck with everything hun
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Old 08-11-2010, 08:54 AM
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Thanks all for your support.

Transformie, yes, the feeling is awesome, it is the best feeling in my opinion, and can't be compared to any other. An eye opener for me was that I went to an "irodology" free consultation. I was a little bit skeptical but everything they said was true about my chronic aches, and they even saw some heart issues (my grandmom and mom have high pressure).

We think daily stress is "not a big deal" but being 28 it dawned on me my health is not a joke, and I need to take it VERY seriously. Deep inside I LOVE life and want to be around for a loooong time

Tjhanks naive for your suggestion. Check. I am also not helping him move and getting his things out. Why, because I still recall when we moved to the apartment and he was not of much help. I am planning on doing my long overdue manicure/pedicure at that moment

The funny thing is that we have got along better, he is happy because he will be paying much less (and won't have cat hair in his clothes anymore) and he will be with his friend. He says we both need to be much happier and grateful than we have been. I agree...

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Old 08-13-2010, 08:22 AM
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Yesterday we had to pay the rent. He conveniently forgot to leave it to me. So I paid, it was our last pay day.

Now he says if he leaves one of these days he won't have to pay his half.

...

I am so angry, I have paid everything and he is like "oh but I now have to pay my new apartment".

We had agreed for him to pay his half as usual.
At least he should pay for the extra days he will be around, that is fair.




In any case I will resort to the "postergation technique" whereby I live my day and talk this out with him tonight. Sheeesh... I am so, tired of HIS money issues and gaslighting, he says he is doing much better yadda yadda and now this.

He also said "what about parking when I come to visit?" and I said he could pay the extra space we already got. He didn't want to do it. Its 30 USD MONTHLY FOR GOD'S SAKES.

I was invited to a salsa place tonight by 2 friends. I will go. I am glad I went to therapy yesterday. My therapist has a daughter my age. She described their way of living to me.

I am opening my eyes, this is just not fair. And now I pay the full rent AND have to put up with him? no... it won't happen. Things are so obvious to me now... even when getting ready to get out, he is there with his broken old jeans, and I am with my formal business attire -sigh. I feel I have failed myself... again....

Need to take charge this afternoon... thanks for letting me vent.
BTW I am still determined to go to my paint lessons. That is what I will do after work...
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Old 08-13-2010, 08:31 AM
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hi takingcharge-

of course he should pay his pro-rated days there. that's crummy that he didn't offer to pay his fair share, but it's nothing new, is it?

sometimes, i think it's best to count well the cost of hard feelings....it's tempting i would imagine to throw him out if he doesn't pay but it's only 7 days of rent...soon he'll be gone...

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Old 08-13-2010, 08:32 AM
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I am reading my last posts "we get along better" - this is true, when it is about him saving money. Then he insists it is "all about Tc999". That "no one will ever love me as he does". That "all the other men are worse than him and he is the only half decent guy on Earth". Lol. Why did I believe that BS?

I have 5 invitations this weekend and I am planning on attending every one of them. I feel angry and sad but I also see many of my frustrations come because I do not have a social life. I am ready to get one...

Thanks naive, yes, that's true... I just want him gone... our mornings together are so stressful... sigh.
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Old 08-13-2010, 08:37 AM
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Your post really helped me, naive. Thanks.
It is true these bucks are nothing compared to no longer being in for the ride. I feel lucky I have not done bolder moves like marrying the guys I have chosen before. I am still safe and my losses are still very small in comparison to what could have been.

Thanks for reminding me of that. ((naive))
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Old 08-13-2010, 06:10 PM
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So he doesn't feel like paying what is owed in rent, but intends staying put for a bit longer?
Where does this boy get his ideas from?
NO pay, NO stay.

Let him know the old TC ain't around, and you either want his money or his space, it is up to him which. He has costs with moving in? Damn it, he has costs with moving out, and has got away with enough already.

He has got bludging down to a fine art form, but why should you pay out for him yet again, as if he deserved special treatment to ordinary humans?

Go and pamper yourself, and look at the bliss of no more cr*p from him.

God bless
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Old 08-25-2010, 12:50 PM
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Yes the 20th, but not sure of which month.

He is still here. Paid half the rent. Has said often he really enjoys living with me. Still not moving a finger to clean the house. Today I have been up for 28 hours already and just couldn't stand all his morning noises......... I asked if he was really moving, because so far I see no indication.

He said "my friend lost his job" and it was the end of the string - how is that MY issue? I got really angry and told him he has until the 12th to leave, the last day he has paid. Meanwhile I am ordering my books and drawing area...

He asks why I am "so selfish" and "not nice" and that he loves me- when I am in a good mood. I told him his macho idea of a perfect but inferior woman is unfit for a relationship with me or any modern woman. He said I am hostile. I said I can't live to keep him happy. I am human and have my bad days, weeks and months and am looking forward to peace and my stuff and giving up the Tc999 I was - I thought I changed after XABF but no, THIS is really my bottom, my "I can't send so much energy down the drain anymore. It is mine. I need it. I enjoy it. I can't go without it any longer".

So finally he said that YES he will look for something else and that he is not happy either. Oh oh, he also said if he stayed, HE could save enough money to go to the beach wedding with me. I said "yes that is convenient for YOU but not me".

I believe my anger grows as my therapist mentions and show examples of what others are living in terms of healthy relations and men that are really the breadwinners and what the woman earns is for her enjoyment and extra stuff.



Meanwhile he doesn't take the trash out, throws his socks everywhere -CAN'T put them in the box for dirty clothes- still asks to use my computer and says we are improving together and that one day he will be rich and invite me to a beach and it will be all on him.

Too bad for him I no longer thrive in imaginary events. I just see the socks, the fact we have no spoons or food and he will live by Mcdonalds and KFC, HASN'T BOUGHT A DAMN SOAP FOR HIMSELF ALL THIS TIME! the snoring, the dirty dishes sitting while I bill 53 working hours and pick up stuff and do yoga.

He plays while I do the hard work.. NO MORE... I have been so dumb... incredible.

No more picking his stuff. My therapist is so right he wants a mom not a partner and I fill that role. Filled. At least I am seeing my pattern now and not thinking he is this or that, I see my 50%.

I got therapy homework that is about writing down a letter to my mom and my dad asking for all the things I needed and were not given. I forecast good tears and healing. I want to forgive everyone and stop carrying the past. I wish to enjoy my day with a pure heart.

PS I am looking for other places without him knowing.
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Old 08-25-2010, 01:23 PM
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I just can't deal with any whiney's living in my space.
I have been known to get used to it like a leaky faucet...but once I get my own peace and serenity.....I just don't take well to any of it.

That family of origin stuff is rough work....takes time, but is freeing in the end.

This guy does not deserve you!
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Old 08-25-2010, 02:05 PM
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Oh I thought about something - remember the house I shared with XABF and other friend - 2 coworkers are STILL looking for a roomie. Its perfect, its close to his university and there is no paper stuff to do... and the coworkers are geeks quiet people... we may go later today so he can see the house. It also has a little garden so I could take the cats for their weekend holiday... also it may be possible for me to stay during the weekends when my apartment is SUPER noisy-


Live, yesterday the landlord came to the apartment without warning . I remembered your trick and went out closing the door behind me . Gladly he didn't ask to see it but it was a useful trick !!!!!!!!! THANKS.

And thanks for the comment, I am finally starting to believe that I really do deserve something much better than this .........
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Old 08-25-2010, 02:12 PM
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LOL ((((hugs))))

Sounds like a great plan for him and for you.
I think we don't realize how used to the bs we get until we get a taste of freedom from it....after that we don't go back

ps I am afraid I would have started dropping the socks in the trash basket!
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Old 08-25-2010, 08:58 PM
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(((TC))) what you're saying reminds me of a friend from nursing school, talking about her now ex-husband who made all these promises, although he bought roses and stuff. She said it was "too little, too late". At some point, just like the addict, we hit bottom and we've HAD IT!!

I agree with ((Live)). You don't realize how much you crave a life without them, until you have it. I'm pretty sure if you had just a few DAYS without him, you'd be more assertive at making him leave.

I've tolerated so much from my XABF's, and even when they were clean, they had serious issues. My goal is that if I ever find another man, I want him to COMPLEMENT my life...not feel the need that he complete it.

You've made a lot of progress, here lately, and I do believe you've just about had enough. I'm also with ((Live)) on the socks...can't get them into the laundry basket? Throw them in the trash and let him go buy new ones. He's got a job, right...deal with it. From what it sounds, for a male in your country, getting a place to live isn't a problem.

Stay strong and visualize your life in your place, with just you and the cats. Think of the social life you can enjoy, the quiet times you can have, the time you can spend on your own dammed computer, and keep your focus on that. He has no place in that life. He wants to visit? Pay for parking. Act like a ****ing grownup, for once.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-26-2010, 12:17 PM
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Thanks thanks thanks. Yes- too little too late.
Tomorrow is group therapy.
He said that place with my coworkers is "too expensive". I am thinking about it and you know what - I may be the one who leaves. I will tell that to BF. He alone will have to pay for the apartment we are in if he doesn't find something.}
And that's the thing, I have to be angry, show my anger, make other steps for him to start doing something... UGH.

Those coworkers have no problem with my cats and no furniture so scratching their stuff is not a problem.
Perhaps I move in January and pay less for a year, that way I can save for my own house. And no more soccer during the weekend...
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Old 08-26-2010, 12:29 PM
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I am glad I got you guys and my therapist and my mom. Hard to discuss with the voices that I know want the best for me.

Yesterday he arrived and had talked with his dad. He said we have to tell no one that I had already lived with another boyfriend. HUH? who cares?? As if that was a horrible secret of mine. Sheesh. I told him it is too late for me to feel ashamed about my past. He said his dad is very interested "in us". And that he said - if I didn't want to marry him then we were not really "a couple" and had no future.

He said he was saving for my ring and wants to marry me.

Right.

I said I want to be with .. ME ... and be alone for a while (a few years). Maybe later on in life I will decide if I want to marry...... maybe I won't... it is not a topic in my head right now!

He said "I am already 28". I said I am very young and definitely immature to be thinking of such a compromise. He said that no, I am not that young. (Oh oh - over here a woman needs to be married before 30, otherwise she is a loser and worse adjectives. Well at least in this city).

He said "do you want to end up like Y?". Y one of my female friends from work. She has a really high level job. A new Mazda. Her own home that she painted pink. No partner. There comes the stigma, she is a loser because she doesn't have a relation and is around 36. Her many other accomplishments/qualities don't matter. UGH. I thought for myself "yes that is what I wish...exactly, she is a role model!"

He said we need to think of buying a shared house so we have a better house. To have faith in him. And that yes he is saving for a ring and even if we live separately he means business...

Perhaps its time to make him stop losing time with me and go marry someone who is more aligned with what he wants. I believe he wants to marry because other women are demanding and also don't work, yet their partners give them a house, buy them cars, trips etc etc. I have so much to learn from them.


Thank you for all your posts, I am re reading them in times of self doubt.
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Old 08-26-2010, 12:41 PM
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He sees you "getting away" and is pulling out all the stops. He thinks that talking marriage will cause you to just hang in there the way things are now. The worst thing you could do is either marry this guy or buy a house with him. If you are in any way legally tied to him, there will be hell to pay later when you want to leave. I'm sure you know all this and don't have any intention of marrying this guy. This guy is not the guy for you. He's a user. I just felt compelled to say the things that I hope are already going through your head.

Wouldn't moving into that place with your friends be an answer to several problems you have been having, like not being able to rent alone as a woman and also having help with the bills? Sounds like a pretty good deal to me and at least it would get you out from the dead end situation you are currently in.
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Old 08-26-2010, 12:51 PM
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I meant to say " I believe he wants to marry ME because " .. oh well.

I went out from taking a bath and he said "I want to see you changing" ... I said NO, I don't want you to see me now. Then he walked by. I told him to get away. He says "why do YOU complain so much?"

..

I said "if you were a respectful person I would not complain. Don't make your defects my defects."

The ability to realize when they make their issue your issue, I got good training in that already. Yes, I am fed up.



Yes suki, none of the coworkers got car either so I would have my parking place inside. It would be just like it was before, only without an alcoholic with a beer, or a disrespectful guy inside.

I got no plans after work today. I will tell my coworker I want to give him a ride. Then see how I feel about the place now... I'll tell you how it goes...
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