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Dealing with a husband has been to rehab and just isn't ready for sobriety

Old 08-10-2010, 09:47 PM
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Dealing with a husband has been to rehab and just isn't ready for sobriety

I could really use some feedback from anyone who has been in either mine or my husband's shoes. I have been with him for 6 years now. He used to drink beer to the point of passing out almost every night, but he never hid anything. Over the years, we have had a child and his drinking has lessened, but now he lies about it, hides it, and fights about almost everything I have ever said to him about the drinking. The difference between him and his buddies is that every time he has tried to stop drinking, he absolutely cannot.

He got a DUI a few years ago, went to madatory classes and AA, then after a while started going to AA himself and got a sponsor. I have been going to Al-Anon. He was drinking before or after meetings even though he told me he was working on the steps with his sponsor. He accepted 30-day and 60-day chips at the meetings that he had not earned, and just continued to lie to me, his family, and his sponsor.

I moved into an apartment 6 months ago thinking it would be enough for him to realize what is going on. I just needed some space to feel some peace. I did feel peace for a while, but the only thing that seems to have happened with him is that he started resenting me for "taking his son away and being so good at leaving." We have continued to try and be close and I have gone to meetings and spent quite a bit of time with him.

His parents asked him to go to rehab. He said AA wasn't working for him and agreed to go to an outpatient program. He started that in March and went for 12 hours per week for 8 weeks. We have also been to 3 counselors, including the one at the rehab center. He has cried and told the whole family how he is scared and can't stop lying and wants to stop and wants our family to be happy more than anything, but yet he still drinks. He lied and drank all the way through rehab. His parents paid for rehab and more sessions with the therapist, and he has never stopped drinking. In fact, just last week in a seesion, his dad asked him if he had drank in the last 7 days. He looked at him in the eye and told him he had not. I knew for certain that he was lying. I couldn't believe that after all of this he was still lying. At this point, especially after last week with the therapist, his parents and I have all pretty much lost hope. He refuses to go to inpatient treatment (which might not matter anyway if he doesn't want to get sober) and his actions do not speak what his words do.

I love him and have been trying so hard to make our marriage work especially because of our son, but almost everything between us now seems to be coming from a place of distrust, anger, sadness, and hurt. I am just trying to figure out at what point to call it quits for good. I have done EVERYTHING I know of to figure out this situation. I have been as loving as I could, and I have tried to set healthy boundaries. I have a hard time always keeping them. I am just beside myself trying to figure out what to do. I have cried myself to sleep until my body aches many nights.

I don't think he is ready to find sobriety. I know I can't judge that, but all I can go by is what I see. I don't know what it will take for him to decide he is sick of living with alcohol as his crutch, but I can't wait forever. I have the divorce papers all filled out and I was hoping that something would click with him finally. I am so emotionally exhausted. As embarassing as it is, this is the 4th time I have filled out the papers, but the first time I actually have a lawyer chosen.

I swear this situation makes me as crazy as it does him! I just don't know how someone who EVERYONE loves and says is so wonderful could not realize what they are doing to their lives and the lives of their family. I am so blessed that I don't have the brain of an alcoholic. I don't know what he is going through, but I have to find a way to live my life too. I am so sorry for the long post, but I had to get it out. Thank you so much for any input you can offer!
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Old 08-11-2010, 12:14 AM
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Pretty similar boat here tinkerlocks, just over a longer time span.
I cope by going to Al-Anon meetings, keeps me sane and reminds me that his drinking is not about me, there's nothing I can do except look after myself and our kids.
I also keep certain areas of our lives separate to protect myself...just in case (like finances).
Only you know how much you can cope with, look after yourself and don't beat yourself up. This roads full of tough choices, none of your decisions will be wrong, they will be what you need in the moment.
Be gentle with yourself tinkerlocks :-)
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Old 08-11-2010, 04:42 AM
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Welcome to the family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and share your story with us. Feel free to read and post as much as needed. We're open 24/7 and we are here to support you.

You will file when you are ready. Filing for divorce does not mean that you end up divorced. Filing for divorce does not mean that you don't have a future together, if the alcoholic is able to maintain sobriety, you can reconcile later.

Filing for divorce was something I did to protect myself and my children from the financial and legal fall-out of active alcoholism. I do not regret taking that step.

Something that helped me to make up my mind about "should I stay married or should I file for divorce", was to go no contact with the alcoholic. I needed time and space to think about what was best for me and my children. Life with an active alcoholic was confusing. All the conversations got twisted about, lies by ommission, denial, denial, and the tension from my anger and resentments were making me frustrated. I was always walking on eggshells and living in reaction mode.

I needed to establish no contact with my alcoholic so that I could learn to be still with my thoughts and stop reacting to life in my own home. I have children and needed to maintain contact for childhood issues and financial reasons. However, I kept those conversations brief and spoke as if I was dealing with a business partner.

Face-to-face meetings at Alanon, Alanon phone numbers, reading and posting here as well as self-improvement books have helped me along the way.

Whatever you decide, you have our support!
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Old 08-11-2010, 05:28 AM
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Welcome, tinker,

I've been where you are (shorter time period, no kids involved, thank God), and I agree, it makes no sense. Alcoholism makes no sense.

Glad you are in Al-Anon--it was my lifeline when I was making the stay/go decision. Nobody can help you decide what your own limits are--when to go, for example--but it will help you keep sane through the process of making decisions that are in your and the kids' best interests.

As Pelican said, there is always hope that the alcoholic may recover. Sometimes it doesn't happen until years after they've lost their families.

Keep breathing. Stick around here--there is great support available 24/7.
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Old 08-11-2010, 12:56 PM
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Welcome to SR, Tinker!

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. What do his past actions tell you?

I am a recovering codependent, and a recovering alcoholic/addict.

Rehab gave me a good running start on recovery, and the tools to use out in the 'real world' to stay sober.

It takes two to take a marriage work, and it appears that you are the one doing all the work.

He's just doing what active alcoholics do, and therefore has no capacity to fully participate as a husband and father.

I commend you for taking yourself and your son out of that living situation, and giving both of you a safe place away from the active alcoholism. You are the only voice your son has.

I was absolutely terrified of being alone, and a single parent at that, so I stayed with my EXAH far too long.

What I can tell you is there is a big beautiful world out there, just waiting for you to step into it!

I have ended up raising two daughters by myself over the years, and have not been in any relationship for 11 years now because I made a commitment to myself to really address my codependency issues.

I have a wonderful support group through 12-step programs, am in my final year of college, and actively participate in my own recovery every day.

I am so glad you found us here at SR, and I hope you continue to post.
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