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Parent Dying Due to Alcholism

Old 08-10-2010, 03:26 PM
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Parent Dying Due to Alcholism

I was on the chat with some very nice people a few nights ago and they listened to my story about my mom.

She is 54 and doesn't have lots of time left--the doctor told me 2days-2weeks (of course the prognosis is always a guess).

I wanted her to detox after I had been away for 6months in AZ because it was killing her; I didn't think I would have been so right.

I saw her briefly to tell her that but then I was on a flight to FL for my vacation for a week. When I returned she was in the same state, although I didn't think it was that critical. Mostly all she said to me was "Get me some ice cubes" or something similar to that. I complied, but I still didn't know it was so critical so I carried on with my life.

I awoke to my mom on the couch--where she had been sedentary for the past few months (bathroom stains on the couch and all)-- and she had dried blood and puffy eyes from a fall she had taken in the middle of the night. I had seen self inflicted bruises before but this one hurt me. Still, I let it go and got out of the house. She told me she wanted to go to detox and I started making calls. From what receptionists told me she would likely have to detox in the ER, so the call was made.

She was in the ER for a day or so and then transferred to ICU. After a week and a half there she had a bed on a patient floor and doctors told us she was dying. That had to be more than a month ago, but everything has really been a blur since the first day.

So lets skip ahead a few hospitals and one nursing home later: a doctor gave her 2-3 days a day ago (do the math . So her slow death might begin:

Her blood pressure is too low to do dialysis. Her feet are in pain because they are so swollen and her abdomen is full as well..putting pressure on her ovaries (as she described).

Her blood is too thin to do anything surgical. Paracentisis (sp) is out the question because her blood is so thin. My brother and I, along with the family, have decided to put her on hospice care because we have been given little hope.

So, from what I gather, my mother will continue to fill up with fluid because she is not eliminating much. I predict this continual fluid build-up will interfere with her breathing (a doctor has never told me this will happen, although they said it would be a possibility).

I am looking for people in the community who may have been in a similar experience with a loved one. I am not looking for a cure, just some insight and companionship-thank you.

jslice
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Old 08-10-2010, 03:46 PM
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jslice.....glad to have you here but sad for your mom and the emotional pain your bros and you must be going through. i am going through something very very similar although my mom isn't yet at this point, although she was five years ago. My mom was in the ER (to detox) five years ago and was very much in the same state as your mom prior to going to the hospital (laying in her own waste, etc). Going into the hospital she had the distended belly (looked like she was 8 months pregnant), yellow eyes, strange skin discolorations, varices (i might not be spelling that right), blood clot in her lung, etc. amazingly, she actually made it out of the ER and is still living to this day. Although, I don't expect that to last much longer. My mom sobered up after spending two weeks in the ER. She was sober for four years but relapsed last year and has continued to drink...lately she's back to every day and has been drinking hard cheap liquor. When she left the hospital she was told she had liver failure....and was put on all kinds of meds. How she managed to live this long is a mystery to me...especially considering she has been drinking the past year.
I have no idea how long your mom will live. All I can say is I'm sorry you're going through this and I can understand the pain that you are going through. Watching someone slowly killing themselves is absolutely horrific. Do understand you are definitely not alone.
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Old 08-10-2010, 04:26 PM
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I am so sorry jslice that you are going through this. I have not gone through it yet, but will, with my Dad. I just wanted to offer my support. Sending positive thoughts your way. (((hugs)))
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Old 08-10-2010, 04:33 PM
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Welcome to SR Jimbo!

I am so sorry about your mother. My prayers for you and your family during this difficult time.

Hospice is a great plan. Hospice can provide grief counselors. They understand what you are going through and they can help you too.

Please remember to take care of you during this time.
You are important.

I hope you will keep coming back. We are an active support community and we offer experience, support and hope to alcoholics, their loved ones, and adult children of alcoholics.

You have found a wonderful source of information and support. We are glad you are here.
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Old 08-10-2010, 04:43 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's horrible to see someone you love in this kind of condition. I went through something very similar with my second husband--he made it out of the hospital, but he hung at death's door for a couple of weeks.

Keep taking good care of yourself. I'm glad you have hospice to help.
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Old 08-10-2010, 05:07 PM
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(((Jimbo))) - I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but I'm glad you found us.

To answer your question, I was a nurse and saw many patients go through this. It was heart-wrenching for me, and I wasn't even related to them. Often, when the liver is failing, it causes toxic things to build up in the body, leading to confusion and eventual coma. This, to me, was somewhat of a blessing, as they didn't appear to be suffering.

My mom also died, at 50, of a heart condition that caused her to retain fluids and wreaked havoc with her vital signs. It was hard for her to breathe, due to the fluid.

I totally agree with hospice. Not only will they do their darndest to keep your mom as comfortable as possible, they are a tremendous support for you and your family.

I hope you continue to read/post here. Losing a loved one to alcoholism/addiction is a very hard thing, but there are a lot of us who have been through it, and it helped me to know someone knew what I was going through when my ex died. We're here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-10-2010, 05:22 PM
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hiand welcome!

Parents........there comes that time when the relationship shifts and parents need there children to help. You have done a very good thing referring her to hospice-a very good thing for her and you all I hope. Its a very tough decision to have to make.

When my mom died 15 yearsa ago...... I screwed up and couldn't be there for her. She died......... [I didn't get to say goodbye. I could have I was a close as teh next room. Still today you can see I haven't quite for given myself on that one. When my dad died 4 years ago,,,,,,,,I did it right. We took him home to die with the help of hospice. I stayed with him and even though he couldn't talk it was such a good thing.

It looks like you have made the best decisions you could.......believe that !
Mom will be taken care of very well.

Hope I have helped
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Old 08-10-2010, 05:35 PM
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Jimbo,

I am so sorry for your sadness and pain. I am glad that you are there for her, tho. It must be a great comfort to her.
Hang in there. I can only imagine your sorrow, but I hear in your words a very compassionate man, who is doing the best for him mom. God bless your Mom, your family and you. Remember that we are all here for you.
I lost my mom to alcohol related illness. She lost a kidney, ruined her heart, and had quit drinking, but the damage was done in her case. It is hard, but at least you know that you have done your best by her, and she is blessed to have you.

big hug,
chicory
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Old 08-10-2010, 06:00 PM
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my prayers go out to you and your mom Jimbo.

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Old 08-10-2010, 07:00 PM
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Sorry for what you're going thru, Jimbo. Please know you're among friends, people who understand.
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Old 08-10-2010, 07:01 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through all this jimbo, it just hurts so much.

I lost a family member this year to liver failure. She was in the hospital several times, but it always turned into the "flu" and she continued to drink once she got home. The varices due to liver damage is what finally took her.

Such a waste, and this horrid horrid "disease" continues to take its toll.

My prayers are with you and your Mom jimbo.
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Old 08-10-2010, 08:22 PM
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Jimbo, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. When my father died of alcoholism, I was not as compassionate as you are. It was horrid! Lots of different feelings mixed up with the grief.

I hope you had a good relationship with your mom. If by chance you have any last things to say, it may bring you peace to say them out loud to her. In my case, in his last minutes I finally got up the muster, I held his hand and whispered, "I forgive you Dad. You can go now." And then he was gone. It's a moment I still hold onto.

Peace Jimbo.
Hugs,
J.
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Old 08-11-2010, 05:06 AM
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Originally Posted by dontwant2Bdad View Post
Jimbo, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. When my father died of alcoholism, I was not as compassionate as you are. It was horrid! Lots of different feelings mixed up with the grief.

I hope you had a good relationship with your mom. If by chance you have any last things to say, it may bring you peace to say them out loud to her. In my case, in his last minutes I finally got up the muster, I held his hand and whispered, "I forgive you Dad. You can go now." And then he was gone. It's a moment I still hold onto.

Peace Jimbo.
Hugs,
J.
jimbo, how are you doing? hope they have moved your mom into hospice and she is resting comfortably. please keep us updated on how you are doing.

and dontwant2bdad, thank you for sharing this. I often wonder if I will have the courage to tell my mom that I forgive her and that I love her because I'm so very torn up on the inside and really quite sad and angry....at times I worry that we'll never have that moment of, simply, peace. I live 4 1/2 hours away from my mom and it scares me that I will miss my opportunity to be there with her.
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Old 08-12-2010, 12:08 AM
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Thanks for all of the warm replies. As a community we are stronger--see ya!

jimbo
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Old 08-12-2010, 06:08 PM
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Jimbo,
I'm logging off for the day and wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.
Peace...
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Old 08-14-2010, 07:16 PM
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I'm really sorry to hear about your mom and all that you are having to deal with.

I went through this with my XABF 3 months ago. He finally died on May 6th after a year long struggle with liver disease. He was only 39.

He had ascites (hugely swollen belly) that was drained on a regular basis up until he died. The last few days of his life he began picking at his sheets and driving me crazy wanting his bed adjusted up and down and up and down. Everything agitated him. The Hospice nurse told us that was fairly normal towards the end.

The night before he died, he did know I was in the room. I spoke to him and he made moves that told me he understood me. He lapsed into a coma the following morning and died within a few hours.

Watching a loved one die from this disease is the worst thing I've ever gone through. I pray for you and your family to give you strength.
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Old 08-17-2010, 03:05 AM
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Brandi- thanks for your story as I am sure that had to have been tough. My mom passed away nearly a day ago. I didn't make it to the nursing home on her last day. I feel so guilty. But thanks for everyone's kind words
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Old 08-17-2010, 03:25 AM
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I am sorry Jimbo, for your loss, and for your moms hard times. She is free now, from the bad things. Please, let yourself heal, and know that there was nothing you could have done to change things for her. You were there for her, and that makes all the difference. Even tho you could not be there in person, you were in her heart.

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Old 08-17-2010, 05:18 AM
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thanks chicory ;/
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Old 08-17-2010, 05:58 AM
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Jimbo,
I am sorry.
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
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