Guilt Ridden

Old 08-10-2010, 12:26 PM
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Unhappy Guilt Ridden

I went through a LOT with my xabf, and it all hurt very badly. All of the times he had me chasing him bar to bar, passing out in my house, embarrassing me in front of my family, lying for months on end, ect. But on the other hand he was never physically abusive, and very very rarely emotionally abusive (until after our breakup.) Most of the pain was from his actions and from me being so upset that I wasn't important enough to him.

Today I looked back into our relationship and had to face the awful realization that even though I wasn't the alcoholic, I was a monster too. I was verbally abusive in that when he disappointed me I screamed, I get this from my father and hate every second of it. I called him a piece of $hit and every bad name in the back, countless times. I made him feel worthless I'm sure. I also was physically abusive. I would get so mad that he was trying to manipulate me, or that he was drunk, that I hit more more than a handful of times. I scratched him too. He was a big guy so I never actually hurt him but that doesn't matter.

I just cannot believe how awful I was myself. He was an alcoholic yes, but if it's possible to make the situation, or his drinking worse, I'm sure that I did just that. I am going NC so I am finding it really hard not to just call him and tell him that while I am still strong in my convictions that we should not be together, that I am so sorry for how awfully I handled my end of our relationship. I know however, if I did ever tell him that, he would see it as me taking sole responsibility as to why our relationship fell apart and maybe even as an invite to get back together. That's not what I want, but I don't know how to let go of this guilt and I am so disgusted that I allowed myself to be such an awful person in the midst of our relationship. I have no right to complain about all the wrongs that he did to me when parts of me were just as bad if not even worse. I had to get this out in the air to SOMEONE, anyone, just to maybe find a little relief.
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Old 08-10-2010, 03:16 PM
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So sorry you're feeling bad....dealing with an actively drinking alcoholic can make us do crazy things--crazy, problematic things. The important thing, IMHO, is to come to the realization that there are things about you that you can change, namely one's reactions towards the alcoholic and his/her drinking, as well as learn to take steps towards deciding what is and what isn't best for you.

I remember at the height of my worry / frustration / anger over my alcoholic sister's drinking, I became obsessed with the fact that she tells lies when she drinks. I became so obsessed with that fact that I made it my goal to prove that she was lying; at one point I even considered hiring a private investigator. Ummm....yeah. That was a wake up call to me that I was far too enmeshed in her alcoholism. It was the key to "waking up", so to speak, that I was as affected by her drinking as she is. I knew then that I had to step back and work on myself a bit instead of focusing all my energy on her.

It sounds like you are thinking things through, and sometimes that can only be done when you're separated from each other. Continue to post, share, and learn.
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Old 08-10-2010, 03:41 PM
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That's the beauty of working a 12 step program like Alanon.

I finally took a look at what part I played in things.

In my case, with my EXAH, I couldn't make amends to him because it wasn't safe.

There were a lot of people I couldn't make direct amends to, so I wrote a letter for each one of them, signed it, and then burned it.
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Old 08-10-2010, 04:10 PM
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I did many of those things, too. It was what I learned growing up. I was shamed as a means of altering my behavior. No wonder I thought shaming him and putting him down would make him "straighten up." I'm not blaming my mother--she was taught the same behaviors by her mother. And my grandmother was likely taught by her mother as well.

Blame, shame, and guilt are rather useless emotions in my estimation. The only thing the past is good for is lessons. Now that I can see clearly what a "monster" I was, as you put it, I can do better. If we never become aware, we don't change. And although the awareness can be painful, it's also empowering to change the patterns that have been handed down through countless generations. Facing and admitting to our own mistakes and faulty beliefs is the only way forward.

It may not feel like it, but you are making strides in your recovery. Onward and upward!

Edit to add: Forgiving myself took some time, but I know you will get there, too.

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Old 08-10-2010, 04:14 PM
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Maybe it isn't the right time, yet, to make an amends.

Put it on the shelf for now, and maybe the time will come when you can do that.
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Old 08-10-2010, 04:52 PM
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Awesome work MissB!! Good for you for having the courage to look at YOU!! What an excellent inventory you have taken of yourself. Truly, truly admirable. Please don't mess yourself up by remaining mired in shame and guilt, because shame and guilt are part of the disease. You have acknowledged your wrongdoing (according to your own morals), and you have admitted them to another person. That is so excellent. Now, you will not forget and will be able to apply this in your daily life. The right time and circumstances for making amends will arise soon enough
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Old 08-10-2010, 06:29 PM
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I will say this from an alcoholic view... Some of us are "poor me, whipping boy" types that feel our sig other justifies through their violence the we are horrible and deserve it. Therefor we feel entitled to be a pariah and will use it to justify more drinking/using.

I think cycles like that get easier and easier. I say get out of any situation like that but I well know its not ever that easy. Violence brings violence and the lines are easier to cross everytime after.
Sounds like you took a real hard look at you and that is very hard to do. Kudos
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Old 08-10-2010, 09:00 PM
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Thank you guys for listening. The only thing to do from here is to change what I don't like about myself and move forward. I am blessed to finally be able to look at myself from a different perspective, and actually WORK to better myself. It is something that I have never done before.
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