Summerpeach

For being in a relationship with an addict? For all the mess, the fighting, the leaving, the coming back, the meetings and just the pain?

Do your friend and family support you?

LexieCat

I hid everything from everybody until I was ready to get out.

I hate being perceived as weak, or having people feel pity for me.

This perhaps was not a good idea, but frankly, I got my support from other people who understood--in Al-Anon. I don't think my friends and family would have been able to help the way I needed to be helped. People in Al-Anon did.

So, in retrospect, maybe it WAS a good idea. I think if I had had to reassure everyone else all the time, it would have put an additional burden on me.

LaTeeDa

Friends and family supported me--in the beginning. Eventually, they got sick and tired of hearing me complain about my marriage while doing absolutely nothing about it. Once I took action and separated from him, I was amazed at the amount of support, not only from friends and family, but even accquaintances and perfect strangers.

I suppose it's a lot like the alcoholic who complains and complains about how unfair life is and how everything is someone else's fault--yet continues to drink.

L

Summerpeach

Not sure I could hide it, I always need to share or I'll explode.

My friends and family were sick of hearing me complain and now that I'm out, I'm still not getting a ton of support and only because they think we'll get back together.

seekingcalm

When I left my ex ABF, my friends and family were so supportive and helpful. Not so much when I started seeing him again after he was 3 months sober and working an AA program.
I guess they just love us and don't want to see us hurt. Some friends of mine were very judgemental, and I had to step away from them. I needed support, gentle, loving unconditional support. Most people have no clue what alcoholism is, what it does. They don't understand, it's not their fault. I think until you are in some type of close relationship with an A, you just have no idea.
Try to focus on what makes you feel better about yourself. When you feel more positive, your loved ones will respond with more positive support.

wanting

They thought I was nuts and they were right!

Jazzman

My friends thought I was nuts when I told them I was going to marry Mel. I didn't have to but I wanted to do the "noble" thing for the children. *smacks forehead* (That cost me plenty BTW). Be glad you don't have children and are looking at lengthly and costly divorce. Your F&F will trust you're not getting back together in time, then they'll tell you what they've really been thinking.

BTW, sorry to hear he cheated, that just plain sucks.

Starburst

i never told family or complained at all, until 3 years in and my AH totally fell off the wagon and trashed our house, I have no supppport except my Mum, she was very supportive, collected me and the kids, we stayed with her for 2 days, came back home after H promised to stop drinking and make right, he is now 2 weeks sober and life is going well, but now we have the family who know all our family's business and i suppose they are all just wondering when he is going to slip up?

Freedom1990

My parents were devastated when I married my EXAH.

Today I understand why.

Based on my long-standing pattern with unhealthy men, it was a couple of years before they started to breathe easier once I got serious about my codependency recovery.

Summerpeach

Good answer! :-)

Summerpeach

I was lucky in that I never wanted marriage or kids, Though I will miss his daughter. I really will.
Not sure I want to know what they really think.

Thanks, and yes it sucks so bad!

Summerpeach

I need to get serious about recovery. I need to earn the respect back I lost from friends and family

mrphillipctrs1

I hid it. I detached from the wrong people.

HealingWillCome

Not one person said to me, "Wow, you guys were so great together. You really should try to work this out." They are all hugely relieved that I left him. They saw me compromising my boundaries and didn't like how I had changed for him.

I have one sister who got so tired of listening to my roller coaster tales, she just refused to talk about him with me.

They were there for me while I was in it, but they're happy now that I'm the authentic me again!

Scooter77

Over 10 years I married my AH, divorced him, got back together, split up, went around another time and got back together at the start of this year.
To be fair though, he has bipolar and wasnt diagnosed until last year in rehab.
He's a very different person now after diagnosis & with treatment than he was before.

He's in recovery & struggling to stay sober, and it still irks me when he drinks, but he's not violent or abusive, he doesnt cheat or steal or do any of the other things he did years ago.

As soon as we got back together, I started going to Al-Anon meetings. I realised that this time I was going in with my eyes open. He may not be the same person he was but he's still an alcoholic and I cant change that, but I can react differently to his slips which makes our life much more peaceful.

I'm lucky in some ways, despite being an alcoholic, he's calm, patient and loving towards me and our two kids who love him dearly.
Obviously life is very different with an alcoholic, for example I cant go out and leave the kids with him in case he drinks. But he's changed from a terrifying, abusive drunk to a kind and loving man with an evil disease.

My family and friends are in two minds, they think I'm insane because he's always going to be an alcoholic and that has a certain life attached to it. But they also see the difference in him since diagnosis & treatment.

It's never been an easy road, and there's likely going to be many more pitfalls, but in some ways I have a much more honest and happy relationship than other non-alcoholics I know.

Thumper

No one said a word to me while we were married. I had an astounding amount of support when I decided to leave though. Some people remained neutral at all times, but then that is who they are. Not one person said "Oh you should stay and work this out.".

Scooter77

Other people mean well, but unless they've been there they really have no concept of the situation

yorkiegirl

It's hard to talk to people who don't understand what it's like to live with the addictions of a loved one. While I realize the insanity of having lived in a household of active addiction (yes, nuts!), it was hard not to feel judged by others. I didn't like talking to other people about it (other than family). But then, by constantly talking about it to family members whom I trusted, I know I exhausted them --not to mention hurt them tremendously because family members hurt for me and didn't want to see me so sad and worried all the time. I think they felt about me the way I felt about my RAH's addictions. They probably kept asking, "Why? Why? Why won't she leave this man who is obviously treating her so awfully." They must've felt helpless over my codependence for my RAH. I'm sure I hurt them because of that. A home in which addiction is active (without recovery) breeds insanity.

Summerpeach

Very true, unless one is in it ,they just don't get it.
Mind you, I know people in relationships with non addicts that I don't get either.