furious
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I'm going to restate what Mike said - this site works best when we share from our own experience, strength and hope. Even in a difficult and touchy situation regarding children, safety, etc, we need to remember that we probably don't have all the information,and it's not our place to insult another member because we think he or she isn't doing what we think they should be doing.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
OK I can calm all of your fears about the dad and the daughter-but only if you choose to believe me.
This man is not doing anything sexually inappropriate with his daughter, other than refusing to install restrictions on her unfettered access to television and the internet. I'm sure of it. That's not to say there isn't something happening elsewhere, but this sort of conjecture, and sure to be following hysterina, on the internet really doesn't help anyone. I bet by the time I'm finished writing this, there will be two more posters getting worried about this.
IF so, I'm sorry if this has triggered you.
I'm a recovering sexual abuse survivor myself and have strong reactions to anything funny like this, which is why I sent her home yesterday. And why I know about healthy boundaries today.
I have written extensively about pedophiles, interviewed perps, victims, specialists who council perps and victims, published narratives and helped academics get their information to the people.
So, please believe me that what's happening over there is permissive parenting. I've seen it all summer; from their refusing to make her ride on the right side of the road while biking, to this. It's time to create clearer boundaries.
The dad says he went into the history of the computer and today was the first day she was doing this.
I don't care. Good for him, but to me, this is a result of thier permission parenting. It's stupid. And it's my job to protect my kids.
This man is not doing anything sexually inappropriate with his daughter, other than refusing to install restrictions on her unfettered access to television and the internet. I'm sure of it. That's not to say there isn't something happening elsewhere, but this sort of conjecture, and sure to be following hysterina, on the internet really doesn't help anyone. I bet by the time I'm finished writing this, there will be two more posters getting worried about this.
IF so, I'm sorry if this has triggered you.
I'm a recovering sexual abuse survivor myself and have strong reactions to anything funny like this, which is why I sent her home yesterday. And why I know about healthy boundaries today.
I have written extensively about pedophiles, interviewed perps, victims, specialists who council perps and victims, published narratives and helped academics get their information to the people.
So, please believe me that what's happening over there is permissive parenting. I've seen it all summer; from their refusing to make her ride on the right side of the road while biking, to this. It's time to create clearer boundaries.
The dad says he went into the history of the computer and today was the first day she was doing this.
I don't care. Good for him, but to me, this is a result of thier permission parenting. It's stupid. And it's my job to protect my kids.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Well, I wasn't thinking that there was anything sexual going on at all. The over-permissiveness sounds like the main culprit. Still in all, that in itself can create a whole host of problems, which you know from your own experiences with them.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
No, I think L2L intimated it. Maybe I'm off base, I just wanted to assure folks.
Now, about me. Why did I put this off? This has been driving me crazy. Wasting way too much of my time and energy. I think it's convenient and my son has said she's his only friend..
Regardless, I will just pray for the perfect words. And go make popcorn and hang with the fellas.
Thanks everyone!
Now, about me. Why did I put this off? This has been driving me crazy. Wasting way too much of my time and energy. I think it's convenient and my son has said she's his only friend..
Regardless, I will just pray for the perfect words. And go make popcorn and hang with the fellas.
Thanks everyone!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
You too Suki. I"ll have some popcorn for you. Extra butter and nutrional yeast. Not all hippies are permissive parents! I might even make them do pushups every now and then, and shout things like, "I SAID MOVE IT SOLDIER!"
Just kidding.
Just kidding.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
what comes to mind in this situation is boundaries.
i am learning that my lack of boundaries extends to many relationships. i am learning that people don't like when i state my boundary and enforce it. i get mixed reactions, from them being hurt or them becoming angry or them minimizing my request.
however, i am also learning what it is i require for my balance. and i am beginning to learn how to protect that.
in this case, transformie, perhaps it would be useful to determine what your boundary is with these neighbors. you don't actually have to communiate it to them, but once you are clear about what is your boundary, you can enforce it.
as an example, i have a friend whose timesheet i submit for him, using my computer. yesterday, one of his male friends, who i don't know, knocks my door. i didn't answer. later, my friend said "oh, steven just wanted you to submit his timesheet too."
i told my friend that it was not ok to send strange men that i don't know to my house, without informing or asking me. i also said i was not willing to do other people's computer work, that they can go to the library and use the computer there.
in my head, i thought to self, what is it i need here? and i realized i need quiet in my own home. that is my need.
my friend then went on to minimize what i had said in "oh, it's no big deal."
i repeated my boundary "it is not ok to send your friends to my house, promising them i will do work which i have not agreed to. please do not do that anymore."
my friend went away kind of in a huff, but i felt good.
i am learning that my lack of boundaries extends to many relationships. i am learning that people don't like when i state my boundary and enforce it. i get mixed reactions, from them being hurt or them becoming angry or them minimizing my request.
however, i am also learning what it is i require for my balance. and i am beginning to learn how to protect that.
in this case, transformie, perhaps it would be useful to determine what your boundary is with these neighbors. you don't actually have to communiate it to them, but once you are clear about what is your boundary, you can enforce it.
as an example, i have a friend whose timesheet i submit for him, using my computer. yesterday, one of his male friends, who i don't know, knocks my door. i didn't answer. later, my friend said "oh, steven just wanted you to submit his timesheet too."
i told my friend that it was not ok to send strange men that i don't know to my house, without informing or asking me. i also said i was not willing to do other people's computer work, that they can go to the library and use the computer there.
in my head, i thought to self, what is it i need here? and i realized i need quiet in my own home. that is my need.
my friend then went on to minimize what i had said in "oh, it's no big deal."
i repeated my boundary "it is not ok to send your friends to my house, promising them i will do work which i have not agreed to. please do not do that anymore."
my friend went away kind of in a huff, but i felt good.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Actually pedophilia or sexual abuse couldn't have been Further from my mind. Neither was I trying to get you to do anything other than consider that this man acts strangely IMO and that you post very often about these people and how much trouble having them in your life brings. I have recently discovered that I do not readily recognize toxic people in my life. It seems to me they are creating problems in your life and I have been working on keeping those kind of people out of my own. I have no clue what is going on in your neighbor's house and that is really a moot point to my post.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Hiya hun,
The fact is that no matter what anyone thinks this family is upsetting you and disturbimg your peace of mind. You clearly have very different views than your neighbour on how to raise children and my views on this would be with your way.
Your son has a good mother but sadly young children are very impressionable usually led into behaviour that they know their parents would not approve of, that is all part of life and growing up. You dont want this girl to lead your son into behaviour that you would not approve of.
It is very hard to break ties with people but until you do I think you will feel permanently uneasy, maybe a good idea to point your son into some other interests and ease off his friendship with this family until it fizzles out altogether.
Best of luck hun x
The fact is that no matter what anyone thinks this family is upsetting you and disturbimg your peace of mind. You clearly have very different views than your neighbour on how to raise children and my views on this would be with your way.
Your son has a good mother but sadly young children are very impressionable usually led into behaviour that they know their parents would not approve of, that is all part of life and growing up. You dont want this girl to lead your son into behaviour that you would not approve of.
It is very hard to break ties with people but until you do I think you will feel permanently uneasy, maybe a good idea to point your son into some other interests and ease off his friendship with this family until it fizzles out altogether.
Best of luck hun x
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks everyone. I"m so lucky to be able to come here and get help and feedback.
I just got a text from the neighbor that his daughter decided to not go to the $490 a week camp he paid for and wanted to come over here instead. Typical.
Here's the interesting thing-it made me panic. Why do I have this anxiety surrounding these circumstances. Other than I have a severe anxiety disorder
His texting first to get permission is actually progress, as she usually just comes over.
I told him, "sorry we're heading out for the day. And in our underwear."
This is really helpful. I was just thinkging that I don't need to announce my boundary to them, just create one that's more comfortable (and safe) for my family and enforce it.
L2L I think I'm right there with you. BUT I'm working on not ignoring red flags, all though I may have failed in this instance in responding as quickly as I should have.
I think if he asks me WTH is going on, I'll just say, "these are boundaries I'm more comfortable with for our family."
Hows that?
I'll try to not freak out for the remainder of the time we live across the street from each other, worry about seeing him or her.
His wife is going for weeks now on a free spay neutor trip (with the monster dog, who recently got out and attacked another dog AGAIN and the dad told me actually bit someone the first day she had him out with her) and I know the daughter will be bothering him every day to come over or inviting them out on very exiting trips with her because they buy her whatever she wants.
My next task will be communicating to the kids that they're not allowed over there. Again, perhaps I'll just enforce it every day until it's the norm.
Thanks for all the feedback and help. To be honest, I'm shocked that I'm still so screwed up. I thought I was all better!
I just got a text from the neighbor that his daughter decided to not go to the $490 a week camp he paid for and wanted to come over here instead. Typical.
Here's the interesting thing-it made me panic. Why do I have this anxiety surrounding these circumstances. Other than I have a severe anxiety disorder
His texting first to get permission is actually progress, as she usually just comes over.
I told him, "sorry we're heading out for the day. And in our underwear."
i am learning that my lack of boundaries extends to many relationships. i am learning that people don't like when i state my boundary and enforce it. i get mixed reactions, from them being hurt or them becoming angry or them minimizing my request.
however, i am also learning what it is i require for my balance. and i am beginning to learn how to protect that.
in this case, transformie, perhaps it would be useful to determine what your boundary is with these neighbors. you don't actually have to communiate it to them, but once you are clear about what is your boundary, you can enforce it.
however, i am also learning what it is i require for my balance. and i am beginning to learn how to protect that.
in this case, transformie, perhaps it would be useful to determine what your boundary is with these neighbors. you don't actually have to communiate it to them, but once you are clear about what is your boundary, you can enforce it.
I have recently discovered that I do not readily recognize toxic people in my life.
I think if he asks me WTH is going on, I'll just say, "these are boundaries I'm more comfortable with for our family."
Hows that?
I'll try to not freak out for the remainder of the time we live across the street from each other, worry about seeing him or her.
His wife is going for weeks now on a free spay neutor trip (with the monster dog, who recently got out and attacked another dog AGAIN and the dad told me actually bit someone the first day she had him out with her) and I know the daughter will be bothering him every day to come over or inviting them out on very exiting trips with her because they buy her whatever she wants.
My next task will be communicating to the kids that they're not allowed over there. Again, perhaps I'll just enforce it every day until it's the norm.
Thanks for all the feedback and help. To be honest, I'm shocked that I'm still so screwed up. I thought I was all better!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
L2L I think I'm right there with you. BUT I'm working on not ignoring red flags, all though I may have failed in this instance in responding as quickly as I should have.
I think if he asks me WTH is going on, I'll just say, "these are boundaries I'm more comfortable with for our family."
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Do you think maybe you are worried about hurting their feelings or something?
In human relationships, caring about each other is part of the glue that binds us, but taking responsibility for their choices is not healthy for me. It's tricky.
And the mother is very sweet, she's so nice, but I am disturbed by her relationship wtih both the dangerous dog and her child. I wish I hadn't moved in across the street to see these things. We were good friends before.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Cool (that you are aware of this).
Detachment. I noticed lately that I am really getting good at this.
Also, their daughter is not the only person on earth your boy can be friends with. Plus school is starting back up soon and there will be more kids available to hang out with.
Sounds like you are feeling much better from last night
In human relationships, caring about each other is part of the glue that binds us, but taking responsibility for their choices is not healthy for me. It's tricky.
Also, their daughter is not the only person on earth your boy can be friends with. Plus school is starting back up soon and there will be more kids available to hang out with.
Sounds like you are feeling much better from last night
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Wait until you hit 50...you won't worry so much about hurting the feelings of pushy people.
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