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It's finally over, he cheated.

Old 08-10-2010, 07:00 AM
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In my experience, anytime ANYone has had to TELL me this:
"You need to trust me, I'm not doing anything behind your back"
They were not trustworthy.

Trust is like Respect--In ANY relationship they have to be earned. They are not automatic. And anyone who thinks or tells you that you should automatically respect or trust them, is delusional (and probably abusive IMO).

I have had to teach myself to pay attention to and Trust My Instincts. I am now learning to get away from these people MORE QUICKLY, to mitigate the damage they cause in my life. Sometimes getting away from them means I am uncomfortable ignoring them. Sometimes it means great inconvenience to me. Sometimes it means HUGE life changes. No matter what the consequences, though, my peace and serenity are WORTH IT.

I hope you find your peace and serenity soon SummerPeach. I am glad you have started to mitigate the damage that person causes to your life.
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Old 08-10-2010, 07:45 AM
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THANK YOU for posting. I've been feeling that tug lately of wondering if AH is pursuing another woman and the only thing I can do to fight that is to not entertain it for a second, keep working on myself and not give in to those old abandonment BS feelings.

Your strength is inspirational.
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Old 08-10-2010, 09:56 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Posie: true, I have an ex friend who was like my sister who cheated on her BF (now husband) about 10 times that I know of. I am sure she still cheats. She's one sick puppy!
My ex will never try to beg to come back. I'm lucky in that his ego is way bigger than he himself is. Meh, he doesn't think what he did was wrong. He's all about himself and his twisted thoughts.
He doesn't get how much this destroyed me.


L2L, not sure if she's a drinker, but some sort of mental case. I can't even image what type a person send "kitty" shots on the pc. I know many do it, but yuck! But my ex liked it. He told me did it cause he liked the attention. So if that's what he needs, well who I am to dis it.
He often accused me of talking to other men, the accuser is ALWAYS the doer. I never EVER EVER even remotely got out of line or talked to other men in ANY inappropiate ways.
Now that I am on a mission to value myself again (cause I used to), I'm going to listen to every creek of instict that comes out of me. Trust me and like Posie said, and this RINGS SO LOUD in my eyes, I'm going to stop TODAY by abandoning myself.

I truly hope, as a kind human, I hope my ex gets serious help. He says he is, but I hope his sick mind can understand what he's done. And maybe it's the pain I feel now, but I do hope in the future he comes to me to give me a real heart felt apology

He seems ok with all this, He's not in pain, so this gives me the strength to move on and be ok too. Why am I crying over some ahole who cheated when he's not even crying over losing me and what he did.
Showing remorse would have changed the playing field
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Old 08-10-2010, 10:22 AM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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I love the part in "codie no more" where she says "The world of an alcohoic is always chaotic and bizzare"
I used to tell my ex everything with him felt like Bizzaro world.
Twisted words, deny he said this or that, gaslighting and having a small disagreement that would go into days (sometimes weeks) of not talking.

WEIRD!
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Old 08-10-2010, 11:12 AM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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Ive been questioning my entire 5 yrs with him now.

I remember this pain, of questioning if anything was ever true. Its like they inject venom to the whole thing so you just want to forget everything altogether. You have to remember so you do not do the same mistake, but not only the good or you will miss "the good him" and hurt; but you also have to remember the bad, but not desire revenge or bad things for him or to remember in a way that angers you or makes you feel anything else than indifference and cold observation, just enough to close the chapter, and just enough that it doesn't make the good moments be forgotten because after all one wants to remember the good in people and experiences. I am exhausted trying to "fine tune" all that with XABF let alone do the same for their new partners.

One has to be thankful to them for getting the garbage away but no wait, it is not garbage, it s a "diseased human" and we have to have compassion, and actually feel like a martyr and being happy they are happy! because otherwise you don't have a good heart and haven't moved on and are the bitter resentful woman unable to let go.

Sorry. It is just, such a complex path to peace...

My point is ... if you can... can you please limit talking only with people that get it?



I wanted to say the "what was real?" feeling sucks. But anyway YOU were present and learning and that is what matters. We will never know how the other feels. We would have to be them, and we are not God. So the obsession about how the other thinks and lives is something I need to hand to God. Its like I want to live in their shoes and not mine.




He claims he's going to be alone to get well now and part of me wants to believe it, but with his history, he will do nothing about it and just find some other sucker.


I knew about someone like this yesterday. He has had like 4 wives and has kids with all of them. He is now cheating the 4th wife. I thought about the 1st wife. Perhaps she thinks he now is happy with the 2nd wife and responsible with kids. HAH! He is just more messed up and leaving way more misery behind. It was eye opening to see it from "his side". How the patterns repeat. How it becomes worse and worse. But you see the guy and he looks innocent and content as if nothing happened and there were no kids around wondering about their dad. It is a horrible sight. No remorse. Nothing.

And about lying outright and showing no remorse about anything - yes, that exactly is why he has to be away from you. Because he has no humanity, respect, compassion or capacity for empathy, because he doesn't grow from his experiences.
It is better he behaves this way, making your disengagement easier. It hurts a lot but perhaps God wants you to feel peace and joy and be around good hearted people now? Perhaps he wants you to fulfill your dreams and aspirations and fall in love with you and life?

Perhaps he wants you to have more time so you start receiving the many gifts he has held for you, for when you had your arms opened. I truly believe this. And I personally have a strong resistance against this, as if that was boring and cliché and horrible and stupid but when I am able to ignore that voice and actually do something for me, for MYSELF, for MY enjoyment only, for my own growth and happiness... I have felt transported to an incredibly loving place, one I strive to habitate as often as I can, the center I can always rely on when things out there get tough. A place that is REAL. I get all teary thinking about the possibilities and how I have had a very distorted view about where peace is, where love is .. and who I really am.

I hope you get back on your feet very soon. Remember we are with you.
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Old 08-10-2010, 07:23 PM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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Taking: It is tough now that I am questioning what was real and what was not.
It probably safe to just assume everything was a lie. It's just easier than trying to figure it all out.
It is easier to talk to people that get it, cause my friend and family really don't. When I talk to others who were with addicts, its like we talk the same language.
I pray i forget this language one day.

A place that's real? I forgot what real is. Peace will come and my sanity will return.
My goal is to be around healthy people again. He wasn't a moster, but is not healthy. He messed up good and maybe this was his bottom. I know this was my bottom.

You're so right, his lack of remose, empathy and taking responsbility for what he did, does make this SO much easier. It makes me angry and anger is a great motivator to healing.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragment. I need them right now.
I'm really hurting........bad!!!
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Old 08-10-2010, 11:00 PM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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I did write a whole book, lol.
Yes, for me it has been more than a year and a half and I am starting to forget that language. Life has been great without him again, something I did not imagine could happen.

Give yourself time. You WILL see the sun once again. Time and inner work will give you perspective.

Become healthier yourself and healthier people will be around you automatically.

Do you have a therapist you can walk with during this difficult time? I suffered alone at home for MONTHS and I wish I asked for help sooner.

I am still thinking of you. Man does it hurt to break up with someone, let alone adding the monster of addiction AND someone else.

But believe me I have seen the ex almost daily as I work with him and I am able to find peace and joy again even with his constant presence and triggers...going no contact will make it easier. The first days/weeks suck. One breathe at a time.

If you could find the Rescue Remedy (bach flowers) and take it as recommended I bet you will feel more at ease. It is homeopathy and the flowers of rescue work for stages like the one you are living currently. I have personally used them and they worked like magic, made me more focused and stable.

Rescue&reg Remedy - Official Site
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Old 08-11-2010, 04:27 AM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
I did write a whole book, lol.
Yes, for me it has been more than a year and a half and I am starting to forget that language. Life has been great without him again, something I did not imagine could happen.

Give yourself time. You WILL see the sun once again. Time and inner work will give you perspective.

Become healthier yourself and healthier people will be around you automatically.

Do you have a therapist you can walk with during this difficult time? I suffered alone at home for MONTHS and I wish I asked for help sooner.

I am still thinking of you. Man does it hurt to break up with someone, let alone adding the monster of addiction AND someone else.

But believe me I have seen the ex almost daily as I work with him and I am able to find peace and joy again even with his constant presence and triggers...going no contact will make it easier. The first days/weeks suck. One breathe at a time.

If you could find the Rescue Remedy (bach flowers) and take it as recommended I bet you will feel more at ease. It is homeopathy and the flowers of rescue work for stages like the one you are living currently. I have personally used them and they worked like magic, made me more focused and stable.

Rescue&reg Remedy - Official Site

Thanks for the suggestion, I will look into it.

I was seeing my therapist up until last June and then my insurance ran out. I still have insurance that covers some other therapy, but I truly am sick of therapy. Every time I go through a break up, I run to therapy. I have many friends I'm talking to and will start back in Al Anon.
We'll see, right now, I just feel sick of anything. This relationship has SUCKED the life out of me and I can't even function

My goal and ONLY plan for the next LONG while is to get healthy. I've abandoned myself for so long. I'm crying deep inside to respect me, to love me, to find what makes me happy.
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Old 08-11-2010, 05:54 AM
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I've had so many thoughts and emotions the last 12 hrs, my head is spinning.
My mind is wondering to places that don't even make sense.

My last 2 ex were monsters once everything was revealed and I'm starting to wonder if this ex is a monster as well, or I'm just projecting from the other 2 ex's.

This ex has a real issue with needing female attention. He has an issue with being very sneeky. He has major self esteem issues and he's super insecure.
He's an addict, who doesn't drink.
He's an addict who stopped drinking and I saw he was trying to make himself better.

When him and I first met, we were friends only. He was so open and honest with me about his life. He was still in contact with his ex at the time we met, but since we were just friends, I thought he was just working out his issues with her.
They were only together 9 months and he moved in with her 2 months after his wife cheated and left him. So it was a rebound. This girl was a messy addict and he left her because she was physically abusive to him.
One of the reasons I started to fall for him was because he was so honest with me.
The two ex's before him were HUGE liars so this was refreshing.
He never hid anything from me.
For the first two years, my gut never felt any bad thoughts.
We had our issues but they were not major. He was a pain, but a good guy.
Never fall down drunk, always worked, always took care of his kids.

I did a few things to push his buttons and cause mistrust in him. He was insecure, I wasn't and I had male friends, I was a flirt and he wasn't use to that. I totally freaked at him for getting into my business. I looked like the sneeky one, He stopped trusting me
This is when the verbal abuse started.

When I left him for 2 months 2 1/2 yrs into the relationship, it was because he said something really mean to me one night on a really bad day I was having. His apology was sad and I asked him to leave. He left and I ended it with him
A week later I asked him to come get his stuff when I got home from work and he did, but while I was at work. He came into my home, read my journal and took the tank off the bbq and he said only later when we got back together he did this because he was sure I left him for another guy.
He could not compute I left him because his words were abusive.

He always had a hard time trusting me from there, so he acted out. When he stopped drinking, it got even worse.
He always looked for female attention because he was insecure and because I added to it, but when I was on his pc once and saw he was on some site, he was talking to a few woman, but all the chat was clean. He just needed female attention.

In the last year, I would tell him "You and I have no future, you're not a good father, I'm only with you because I'm afraid to be alone"
Every time I would leave him, I would come back and say "I need to stay because I hate to be alone" he would say "I'll do whatever makes you happy"

GOD I FEEL SICK ADMITTING THIS! I was abusive as well. I never meant to be abusive, I was angry! ANGRY!!!

I just don't want to believe he is a monster like like my other 2 ex's or this is just a guy in pain, trying to make his way in life without his drink.
I am not making an excuse for his cheating, NOR will I take blame, but I am responsible for breaking him down.

He's been faithful to AA and not had one drop of booze. He is a doting Dad who struggles with being a single Dad. He would tell me all the time how scared he is. How hard he find life to deal with.

He cheated because he said "It felt good and he loved the attention"
I was RAGING, then my friend said to me last night "when you cheated on the love of your life (my ex of 11 yrs), did you not do it because you liked the attention"
BOING, reality!
I cheated because I was emotionally weak, because my ex neglected me, because I needed to feel loved and beautiful. I had an affair for a year and fell in love with a married man and would have left my ex for him.
yet I sit here and crucify my ex for having phone sex and needing to feel needed.

As you can see, my mind is all over the place. I am numb, scared, tired and sad. really sad!

Just sharing in hopes of making sense by just typing this
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Old 08-11-2010, 05:58 AM
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rereding this makes it look like I'm defending him, and maybe I am, but I think if I am going to heal RIGHT this time, I need to take my licks for how I acted as well
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Old 08-11-2010, 06:34 AM
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Summerpeach,

I don't really seeing you defending him, (but I have been known to do that, because I didnt want to look that, uh, gullible i guess is the word).
You seem to be quite honest with yourself, but be careful about being hard on yourself now. Wait for the initial shock of it to wear off to "learn your lessons" so to speak.
As a matter of fact, there were some of us here in that were going to start something called "The Damn Book Club"
The damn book is: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.
I just started reading, and wowee, does it hit the mark.
Let me start another thread about it.
Maybe you would like to join us? I want to learn so much about this issue that has effected my relationships throughout my life. I am 51 with two divorces behind me.

Beth
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:05 AM
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Thanks Beth, I will join in.

I need to heal ME
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:51 AM
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Thanks for the suggestion, that book sounds very interesting.

Summer, I get it, I too was fed up with therapy and after many months I went back to someone else who seems to be helping me more. In any case we all find things that help us at a given time and others that don't quite click. The important thing is to keep trying and not lose focus on the ultimate goal. I like it that you sound very determined.

I hope you have a better day today. Over here it is very very cloudy and rainy. Sending you good vibes again
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:58 AM
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SummerPeach,
I see you are in the throes of trying to make sense of the insanity. And "searching for the Why's." I have been there many times and I know how you are feeling and what you are going through. I know, it can make you nuts, can't it?

I hear ya' about the therapy. It's hard to find a good therapist anyway, ya' know?

I can see, though, some of The Steps in your posts. So maybe when you go back to Al-Anon, start looking for a Sponsor right away to help you work them? Just a suggestion. 'Cause I can see you are working them already, just without specifically thinking, "I'm working Step Four" or whatever.
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Old 08-11-2010, 08:09 AM
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I'm going back to my home group this week and will get a sponsor to work my steps.
I refuse to go back into this madness again.

And you're right, I am trying to make sense of the madness. It's not so much that I need answers but more about discovery my faults so I can heal correct this time.

My head is going to be spinning for a while.
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Old 08-11-2010, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Thanks for the suggestion, that book sounds very interesting.

Summer, I get it, I too was fed up with therapy and after many months I went back to someone else who seems to be helping me more. In any case we all find things that help us at a given time and others that don't quite click. The important thing is to keep trying and not lose focus on the ultimate goal. I like it that you sound very determined.

I hope you have a better day today. Over here it is very very cloudy and rainy. Sending you good vibes again
I wrote my goal down and it's on my fridge.

Today is not so great, but it's really hot and sunny here so will use ALL of my energy to try to take a swim in my pool (I'm still on vacation from work) and I will go over to the cat shelter I vounteer at to help over there.

I just want this sadness to lift and get going on my new life
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Old 08-11-2010, 08:20 AM
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take a swim in my pool
jealous here!!!!
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Old 08-11-2010, 09:09 AM
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I see a lot of red flags when you talk about the beginning of your relationship.

Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
When him and I first met, we were friends only. He was so open and honest with me about his life. He was still in contact with his ex at the time we met, but since we were just friends, I thought he was just working out his issues with her.
They were only together 9 months and he moved in with her 2 months after his wife cheated and left him. So it was a rebound. This girl was a messy addict and he left her because she was physically abusive to him.
One of the reasons I started to fall for him was because he was so honest with me.
The two ex's before him were HUGE liars so this was refreshing.
He never hid anything from me.
It's a huge red flag when people spill all at the beginning of a friendship or relationship. Often, people do it *so that* you'll think they're honest and not question them about stuff, because after all, they're so honest! Have you ever read the stuff on Heartless B1tches?

When I left him for 2 months 2 1/2 yrs into the relationship, it was because he said something really mean to me one night on a really bad day I was having. His apology was sad and I asked him to leave. He left and I ended it with him
A week later I asked him to come get his stuff when I got home from work and he did, but while I was at work. He came into my home, read my journal and took the tank off the bbq and he said only later when we got back together he did this because he was sure I left him for another guy.
He could not compute I left him because his words were abusive.
Emotional unavailability and irrational jealousy.

And then here, you're justifying his actions:

He always had a hard time trusting me from there, so he acted out. When he stopped drinking, it got even worse.
He always looked for female attention because he was insecure and because I added to it, but when I was on his pc once and saw he was on some site, he was talking to a few woman, but all the chat was clean. He just needed female attention.
If he had a hard time trusting you, that was his problem, his $hit to deal with. This is all justification for a huge lack of boundaries in a relationship. Even if the chat or whatever was clean, this was hugely disrespectful to your relationship, and probably set a path to cheating. Boundaries in a relationship to protect the relationship are essential.

In the last year, I would tell him "You and I have no future, you're not a good father, I'm only with you because I'm afraid to be alone"
Every time I would leave him, I would come back and say "I need to stay because I hate to be alone" he would say "I'll do whatever makes you happy"

GOD I FEEL SICK ADMITTING THIS! I was abusive as well. I never meant to be abusive, I was angry! ANGRY!!!

I just don't want to believe he is a monster like like my other 2 ex's or this is just a guy in pain, trying to make his way in life without his drink.
I am not making an excuse for his cheating, NOR will I take blame, but I am responsible for breaking him down.
So you're sick too. You didn't want to be alone. You said some $hitty things. And you say you won't take blame for his affair, but then you say you are responsible for breaking him down, i.e., setting up the conditions that led to his affair. I'm sorry, but no. That's all on him. An affair happens when people have characters defect issues and a lack of boundaries. I can tell you that nothing in the world would make me cheat on my husband. Even when we had problems in our marriage, I still had boundaries. I didn't go out with guys until the wee hours. I didn't text with any guys. It just was not ever acceptable to me. If you were an abusive a$$hole, he could have left you. He could have suggested and attended counseling. He had a million options that didn't involve ripping out your heart. The cheating is on him. Do not take blame for this for one minute.

He's been faithful to AA and not had one drop of booze. He is a doting Dad who struggles with being a single Dad. He would tell me all the time how scared he is. How hard he find life to deal with.

He cheated because he said "It felt good and he loved the attention"
This is not the reason he cheated. This is his justification for why he cheated. There is a huge difference. As I said, the reason people cheat is because of character defects and lack of boundaries. A healthy person doesn't need some strange woman to feel good and get attention from. A healthy person in a relationship doesn't let it get to the point that some strange woman gives him attention, because he has boundaries in place to protect his relationship. If his relationship gets rocky, he pays attention to the relationship in order to fix it, or he decides it's not fixable and he leaves.

I was RAGING, then my friend said to me last night "when you cheated on the love of your life (my ex of 11 yrs), did you not do it because you liked the attention"
BOING, reality!
I cheated because I was emotionally weak, because my ex neglected me, because I needed to feel loved and beautiful. I had an affair for a year and fell in love with a married man and would have left my ex for him.
yet I sit here and crucify my ex for having phone sex and needing to feel needed.
Again, those are not the reasons the you cheated, those are your justifications. It is not your ex's fault for neglecting you. Nothing justifies cheating. You always have the choice to leave. I am glad you understand your current ex's problems, as I think that can help you to deal with your own. You should try to figure out why you really cheated. Like, dig deep. I think when you say you needed to feel loved and beautiful, that's a good start. But why? Why would a creep who was married to someone else make you feel loved and beautiful? Why would anyone be necessary to make you feel loved and beautiful?

I am wondering if all of the justification you are doing for your current ex has anything to do with the difficulty of facing your own problems and the fact that you did the same thing he did. Are you going to justify him so that you too can be justified?

Also, why was this guy you cheated on the love of your life? I'm curious as to why you would say that when it's over and you have a whole life ahead of you.
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Old 08-11-2010, 09:31 AM
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wanting,
consider this your formal invitation to the damn book club.
brilliant.


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Old 08-11-2010, 10:39 AM
  # 80 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
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... the reason people cheat is because of character defects and lack of boundaries. A healthy person doesn't need some strange woman to feel good and get attention from. A healthy person in a relationship doesn't let it get to the point that some strange woman gives him attention, because he has boundaries in place to protect his relationship. If his relationship gets rocky, he pays attention to the relationship in order to fix it, or he decides it's not fixable and he leaves.
I totally agree; I would never even START down a path of intimacy or closeness with anyone other than my BF. But I also agree that a person could cheat because they want to feel wanted. Someone recently asked me, "How do you KNOW you will not cheat?" My response: "Because I am just not that desperate that I would need to do that in order to feel good about myself." In other words, I have matured enough that I don't need another person to validate me.
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