It's finally over, he cheated.

Old 08-09-2010, 11:47 AM
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Hi Summerpeach, just another hug from someone who's been there. :ghug3

It hurts more than anything, I know. I'm glad you're using your anger to propel you forward. I pretty much crumpled into a heap on the floor and didn't move for 3 months. I encourage you to read up at Surviving Infidelity, which transformyself linked to. It will help you to understand yourself and how this happened a lot more.

I'll tell you, I have learned so much about myself. I have been cheated on by pretty much every boyfriend I've ever had. I never thought H would cheat on me. Anyway, when he did, I had to acknowledge the recurring pattern in my life and figure out what the lesson was. For me, it was an opportunity to deal with my abandonment issues.
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Old 08-09-2010, 11:52 AM
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and I won't allow him and his damage to throw me off from falling in love. I refuse to give him that power.
I will love again
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Old 08-09-2010, 11:55 AM
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thanks Wanting. I checked out the site and there is a lot of good info on there.
I cannot believe how many people are going through this. There is a whole thread on FB cheating and this is how my ex started his cheating.
How common and original God, don't people have anything better to do that have on line affairs?!

The anger is not here just yet, but it will come (in a healthy way) and when it does, I will be able to move on much quicker.

I do have major abandoment issues. But more so, I think more people are just cheating.
It's just easier.
I need to take a long look at myself
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Old 08-09-2010, 01:19 PM
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By the way I love your member name. Summerpeach - we should all have these positive sweet names. Makes me smile.

The pain of it will go away. But keep the lesson, don't soften. We all know how that can happen with time.

It's amazing how they can do all kinds of stuff TO us, but when it comes to cheating, oh that's it, it is so over.

You can verbally abuse me,even beat me. But don't even think of stickin' it to another woman. They should all cheat if it makes getting rid of them that easy.
Just spouting off sorry

Feel good and take care of yourself Summer - for goodness sake you deserve it.
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Old 08-09-2010, 01:32 PM
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((summer peach))

been there. i think it comes along with alcoholism...a quick fix...get your immediate needs met...people like us, we hang in there, work on the relationship...for the A, it's all about having their needs met now! mine cheated on me because i was suffering after the death of my best friend...kind of kicked me when i was down...he said i was unavailable (true) and that i drove him to it...

what i needed was for my partner to hug me and comfort me...this he did not do...rather, he took up a lover...

it really hurt. i'm sorry that you're in that pain right now. all i can say is that it gets better with time and with no contact. do yourself a favor and change your phone number and take the space you require to process this betrayal.

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Old 08-09-2010, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by ChrrisT View Post
By the way I love your member name. Summerpeach - we should all have these positive sweet names. Makes me smile.

The pain of it will go away. But keep the lesson, don't soften. We all know how that can happen with time.

It's amazing how they can do all kinds of stuff TO us, but when it comes to cheating, oh that's it, it is so over.

You can verbally abuse me,even beat me. But don't even think of stickin' it to another woman. They should all cheat if it makes getting rid of them that easy.
Just spouting off sorry

Feel good and take care of yourself Summer - for goodness sake you deserve it.

today I feel more like Summersh*t though ;-) What a long 2 days. The weeks are going to go slow with all this pain.
I didnt come into this relationship ever accepting verbal abuse. My ex's never verbally abused me, EVER! They were just cheating losers behind my back.
With this new ex, well he wasn't abusive to me at all in the first two years. He was sweet, loving and kind. We had some issues, but nothing severe.

The first time he was verbally abusive, I asked him to leave my house and I didn't see him for 2 months after that. At this time, he decided that what he said to me wasn't abuse and he said sorry, and that should be enough.
He then came into my home while I was at work, WITHOUT MY PERMISSION to get his clothes and read my journal.
Then off he went. I contacted him about 6 weeks into it and not knowing ANYTHING about addiciton, ask for him back.
I mean, one incident didn't determine he was abusive.
But then it never stopped, then 6 months later, he did it again.
This time I left again and he came back 3 weeks later telling me he joined AA and this is when he stopped drinking.
You see, I always had hope. He was always willing to make things better.
I don't think 95% of the things he did were intentional.
But this cheating, well it was intentional and calculated and deceptive. I know people survive cheating all the time, but it's that much harder with an addict. Like L2L said, they dont think the same as others.

Nothing harmful he did was acceptable, and nothing harmful I did to him was acceptable. We accepted it because we are both in pain and hoped for the best.
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Old 08-09-2010, 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
((summer peach))

been there. i think it comes along with alcoholism...a quick fix...get your immediate needs met...people like us, we hang in there, work on the relationship...for the A, it's all about having their needs met now! mine cheated on me because i was suffering after the death of my best friend...kind of kicked me when i was down...he said i was unavailable (true) and that i drove him to it...

what i needed was for my partner to hug me and comfort me...this he did not do...rather, he took up a lover...

it really hurt. i'm sorry that you're in that pain right now. all i can say is that it gets better with time and with no contact. do yourself a favor and change your phone number and take the space you require to process this betrayal.

naive
I can't change my # and he won't call. I would never give anyone that power for me to change my # unless they stalked me.

He sort of blamed me for his cheating, Well said he wasn't blaming me, but said we were in constant turmoil and he liked the attention and he knew it was going too far and he felt guilt, but he didn't stop it cause he liked it.

Honest, but to me, he was just trying to sabatoge instead of being mature and putting that energy on his and our healing
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Old 08-09-2010, 03:39 PM
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Im sorry Peach.

I know that it hurts so badly.

Why do they make us work so hard to get the truth?

Isn't it just another kick in the teeth, that they get angry at "our mistrusting" ?

Been there. Usually, they deny, deny, deny, hoping the truth does not come out. There may be more to know- there usually is.

Hope she knows what a jerk he is. She deserves the pain of the truth.

Stay strong, and keep posting. You truly did not deserve this.
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Old 08-09-2010, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
Im sorry Peach.

I know that it hurts so badly.

Why do they make us work so hard to get the truth?

Isn't it just another kick in the teeth, that they get angry at "our mistrusting" ?

Been there. Usually, they deny, deny, deny, hoping the truth does not come out. There may be more to know- there usually is.

Hope she knows what a jerk he is. She deserves the pain of the truth.

Stay strong, and keep posting. You truly did not deserve this.

Yep, the good old "deny trick"! He's been angry with me about my mistrust and I had to almost BEG him to see how he contributed to that.

If you mean the married woman he was carrying on with, well whether she knows or not doesn't matter since she is just a big a jerk since she's married with 3 kids sending her boob/dirty vagina pics to him on his cell.
Who does that? icky!

I'm not strong today so I need to find my strength and I'll keep posting. Thanks so much
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Old 08-09-2010, 04:00 PM
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married with 3 kids sending her boob/dirty vagina pics to him on his cell.
How OLD is this woman?
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Old 08-09-2010, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
How OLD is this woman?
45, mentally 5
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:21 PM
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Summerpeach,
You are a STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, SMART young lady. I say good riddens. The man has been bringing you down for a long time and sucking the life out of you. You may not want to think this far in advance but one day, someone will comment how glad they are you are back to being YOU again instead of having to worry about this dead weight. This new chick will never last. What he did was cowardly. If he had an issue, he should have come to you but his compass is broken.

Oh he will come back begging. I know you dont think so but be prepared for ANYTHING at this point. He may fall off the wagon and blame you etc..Just stay alert and in the present. Journal, talk to us, take baths, whatever YOU have to do to get better. Let him clean up his side of the street. You have been there for him thru thick and thin and this is how he repays you for YOUR loyalty. Young lady, kick this turd to the curb!!

Praying for you my dear...

BIG hugs
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:32 PM
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Lu, thanks. You're a sweetheart.

He won't relapse on booze, and he won't see this married pig. Or so he says, but who knows what the truth is at this point. Of course I want to believe, but even if he did, he's single and can do what he likes. Knowing he may be hunting for other and not healing like he says he will, will just give me the strength to move on quicker

I'm looking forward to the old me, I forgot what the old me was like. I know I was really funny, had a lot of pep, made new friends, went out after work, went dancing. I did some great thing. My lack of these is no one's fault but mine. I need to find me again and this is my chance.

I have been there for him, but not always in the best ways. I take my licks, I cannot heal unless I take my share of the damage.
Yes, he cheated, he was sick to do that. But he needs now to live with his actions. His actions don't change me at all. It hurts like HELL, but I am guilt free.
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:39 PM
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So sorry, hon....it well and truly sucks. I hope with time you will find that you are better off in the sense that you are being released from the hell of living with a cheating alcoholic. Sending you good thoughts and hugs.
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Lu, thanks. You're a sweetheart.

He won't relapse on booze, and he won't see this married pig. Or so he says, but who knows what the truth is at this point. Of course I want to believe, but even if he did, he's single and can do what he likes. Knowing he may be hunting for other and not healing like he says he will, will just give me the strength to move on quicker
Summer, just please tell me you will keep your eyes open. He has done things now that you NEVER thought he would do. So he may become self destructive.What i mean to say in a round about way is..he may surprise with his action you to expect the worst. Other things may come out or maybe not but protect your heart as if you are mama bear.

I have to say I only say this because when I went through it..I kept getting hit with so many things I NEVER though he would do. I would stake my life on it that he would never and guess what. he did them all. All the things he knew would hurt me like cheating because I have been cheated on before..So from my experience only..Be prepared girlfriend.
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Old 08-09-2010, 09:29 PM
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I'm so sorry, Summer. Sending you hugs, hugs, hugs.

Major pain, I know. Except that I never got the "validation" that my exA was cheating. I know it's true, though, b/c even though the affair BEFORE our relationship was admitted, there was a real hesitancy (refusal) to break off contact...all the while the other person was married. I, too, dismissed the gut feelings for long time.

I've learned a lot through that, and I know you've learned a lot, too. I'm sorry for your pain, but look forward to hearing about all the growth and happiness you're currently planting in your life...watering the soil with tears right now, but as you know it's all for the best, ultimately.

Congratulations on starting a new life~breathe deep~
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Old 08-10-2010, 05:40 AM
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Morning......well after 42 hrs of no sleep, I slept 8 hrs and ate a chicken sandwich before bed and I feel so much better today. It's amazing how much clearer one can think when they sleep.

Lu, after what some of my ex's did, nothing about this ex will shock me, I am sure he has many more secrets in his cloest. Nothing a cheater will do can shock me anymore. Besides, we will not be in contact so there is no way of me finding any more out. I'll use my energy to make my life happier and not worry about him.
I'm already in shock that the guy I use to love would be so low class as to carrying on some sex thing with a married women who send pics of her hoohoo on the net (ick), I really did think he had more class than that. Like my male friends just told me, it was all just about stroking his ego. The girl can be anyone, as long as they feel wanted. ugh!

He has no remorse for what he did and truthfully, he didn't seem too phased that he did this. He knew how my last 2 ex's cheated and in the worst way, but yet, it was all about him.
The fact that he has little remorse will help me move on much quicker.

Posie: Men eh?! When that gut is talking, we need to start listening. I ignored my gut for a long time. I'm glad I didn't ignore it on sunday when I found his sick little GF's pics. As much as it KILLED me, it was a blessing to know I was not crazy like he was trying to make me think. Always telling me it was just my imagination.
Just last week, we met to talk to come to a final agreement on how we were going to go back to a couples group to work hard on us. He told me that we cannot do this unless I start to trust him. He looked me right in the eye and said "You need to trust me, I'm not doing anything behind your back"
Imagine saying that and knowing you're cheating. Oh wait, he said he ended it with his married GF a few days before that, so he wasn't cheating......MAN! Again, as I type this, I'm in shock because I really didn't think he was so damaged to act in this way.
He really had me believe he loved and cared about me.

He has no remorse, he seems to be happy that he got caught, so with that, I need to move on and created a happy life for myself.
Progress will be slow, but it will be healthy and I will do it right this time. I'll talk, go out, go to Al Anon, read and just realize, I am worth WAY more than what I took and was given.

I can't believe I sold myself short for so long.
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Old 08-10-2010, 06:18 AM
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Summer,

Alas, it doesn't only apply to men...my exgf was the culprit in my life. It's the way people choose to live and interact in the world. I know you know this, but I had to speak up for the men.

The only criteria is that it's a person who is capable of putting on blinders and moving forward that way. It's incredible, isn't it? My ex had herself completely convinced that she wasn't doing anything remotely deceitful, all the while maintaining contact with her "affair". Sure, I sorta knew about it in terms of it having happened, but the other person's partner did not. Somehow my exgf thought it was okay to continue the relationship, and foster it, so long as it didn't involve sex. Yeah, right. Phooey. I wanted her to discontinue the contact, and I could feel it when she'd been in contact, but she denied it most of the time until much further down the road.

All the while she kept turning it around and making it about my "hang-up" and "wanting to change the past" and me being "judgmental". I put up with it for a long time (AKA abandoned myself), that nagging gut feeling and being told that I had trust issues and needed to "LET GO."

Well, I did let go. I let go of her and she's still p*ssed. NOT.MY.PROBLEM.ANYMORE.

Cheers to you SP, wishing you easing of your pain and a future of healthy self-centeredness.

Hugs,
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Old 08-10-2010, 06:35 AM
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Good for you Summer - you sound great!

Go get that happy life - no going back.

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Old 08-10-2010, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
45, mentally 5
Honestly that is just weird. I guess she is a drinker too.
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