yorkiegirl

After having been together for 14 years with my alcoholic husband, I just knew I couldn't continue living with him actively drinking. It just got worse and worse. It wasn't a matter of what I wanted (what I wanted was for him to stop drinking and I wanted a life with him). I was so tired of having the same, silly conversation about his drinking not being a problem and why pot is not a big deal. I felt like I was talking to a fourteen-year-old not a grown man I wanted a life partnership with! I was so sad. It became a matter of what I had to do for me and most especially for our child. For years I felt I was surviving with my head above water (w/ weights tied to my hands and feet), even though I always tried to anticipate every possible roadblock, wrench in our plans, unknowns, etc. (which seemed to predictably happen living with an alcoholic/addict). It got exhausting, no matter how prepared I was. All the energy spent on putting out fires, planning ahead for what will most likely go wrong etc. chipped away at my spirit and made me a person I didn't want to be anymore.

Even though I knew it was time, it took yet another two and half years to carry out moving out of my house. I first closed our accounts and opened my own bank account (and cried all the while opening up my new account). It still took a few more months for me to leave. (Since he refused to leave and it was getting old for me to say, "Get out!", I had to take my child and just leave). It was the hardest thing I have had to do! I had to muster up every bit of courage and strength to move our things out over the course of about one week and continue interacting with my AH. He never even noticed our things were missing. I left him a note. That was one year ago this time. Leaving was the best thing for me, for our child and for my AH who went into recovery as a result.

I am sending you positive vibes. I hope you will know when you've hit your limit (when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired). . . in the meantime, I do think it's a great idea to attend Alanon, Codependents' Anonymous, Family's Anonymous (whatever they have in your area) and visit SR often. I find so much insight and wisdom here! (This site actually helps me more than the meetings, BUT if you find a meeting you like, keep going!) I didn't do those things until my AH started recovery. I wish I would've searched and researched my own recovery methods and strategies as vigorously as I did my AH's.

groybin

I just knew.

One month ago my ABF told me that he was getting back with his ex-wife. That was hard to hear. But what was worse was that he didn't have the decency to tell me this the night before when I spent the night with him.

Of course, a few days later he is trying to reach out to me again...

I have a beautiful daughter in her 20's and I would be crushed if she was in a relationship like this, if a man she loved treated her this way.

I then realized that she would feel the same way too. She would want the best for me, she would say that I deserved better. I am leaving him so that I can be a healthy, positive role model for my daughter. She deserves nothing less.

BrandiSue

That's exactly the way it was with me and my XABF as well. It took me several years to finally tell him to leave, but once I did, there was no going back. I'm still not sure how I remained so strong. I cried myself to sleep every night and I still spoke to him on the phone daily. But at least I didn't have to live with the madness and the chaos and the lies.

He died recently and I've spent the last few months since his death going through all of the cards and letters he wrote me - mainly from rehab when he was sober, but also a few when he was not. He clearly believed he could beat it. He also told me the week he died that he never believed it would kill him either. He thought he was indestructible.

8 years is a long time. I know I could never have made it that long. I hope you can stick with al-anon or whatever it takes to give you the strength and power you need to move on.

Thumper

I can relate to all of the posts in this thread. Zbear said it perfectly for me in another thead. Fear of the future if you divorce must take a second place to fear of the future if you don't. I was 'stuck' because of my children. My fear was for them. I had a few flashes of what the future held for them if I did nothing. Those flashes forced me to get real about our life. That, coupled with my personal rock bottom, got me moving in the direction of leaving my ah, now an xah. I needed help along the way (SR was a great help) but I kept moving.

Scooter77

No point repeating all these awesome posts.
Best thing to do is just work on your own strength and sanity until you're ready to do whatever you need to do.
I have to agree on the point of Al Anon, it is the best thing you can do to help look after you. You will be amazed at just how much it helps to be around people who understand.
Good luck and stay strong